Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie

A very short story.

Options
  • 31-01-2016 12:35pm
    #1
    femur61
    Registered Users Posts: 1,588 ✭✭✭


    Any opinions welcome, good or bad.

    Judy placed her rain coat it in the back seat of the car closing the door quietly. As she sat into the driver's seat, she pushed her books over in the passenger seat making room for her groceries. One last tight twist of the paper bag to stop the smell of cinnamon tempting her from eating her buns. She picked up the nappies that fell on the floor. The petrol sign to her left flashed €1,20, no wonder she had extra money when petrol was half the price it had been the year before. Now there were extra mouths to feed every extra penny counted. She sighed, a single mother on a teaching assistants pay she had to work hard to pay for the new twins.
    A car beeped behind her, she waved in the mirror to the impatient young boy racer indicating she would move in a minute. One last check on the babies, she thought they looked so peaceful when they were sound asleep, now she was ready.
    A patrol car passed, parking under the trees near the trolleys. A young officer got out he fixed his cap as the morning sun glistened on his shiny silver buttons. She thought he looked so handsome.
    Judy gave him a little wave and smiled putting on her seat belt. He stopped before the entrance into the shop letting the automatic doors slide shut when he didn't enter. He walked over to her and tapped on her window.
    ‘Yes, can I help you?’
    ‘Do you mind if I have a word, outside the car?’
    ‘Me?’ pointing at herself.
    ‘Have you been drinking?’
    ‘God, no.’ She put her hands to her flushed face to emphasize the absurdity of the suggestion.
    ‘Do you mind getting out anyway?’
    ‘But sir I can’t leave my babies,’ throwing her arms into the back seat.
    ‘What babies?’ he said looking into the back of the car.


Comments

  • Options
    #2
    LionelNashe
    Registered Users Posts: 1,961 ✭✭✭LionelNashe


    I really like the idea. I think the ending landed too quickly though, more like a punchline to a joke than the wrap up to a story. I would say that if you could rework the end, that would be the single biggest improvement you could make. Maybe show some puzzlement on the officer's face, or something, to just kind of take a breath before the sucker punch is delivered to the reader. I thought that the point-of-view that the story was told through worked very well, and really put us in the character's head.


Advertisement