Am i paranoid

LegacyUser

So im a female mid-30s, with a longterm partner. We broke up a few months ago and were apart for about a month. In summary, i left him because I felt like i was being stringed along, he is still technically married despite telling me for years that he was getting divorced etcetc. I have never been married, i have no kids and I want the whole white picket fence thing. As an aside he has been married multiple times, has 6 kids by 3 different women and has a history of infidelity although not since he has been with me AFAIK.

We sorted our differences out and I moved back in after a month. Ive started to build a future for us again and I'm hoping he will divorce soon. There is no doubt in my mind my partner is the love of my life. While we were apart a male friend of mine (ill call him Jack) asked me for a drink and I went, more to get myself out and stop wallowing in tears more than any other reason. There was nothing more than a drink and a bit to eat, no handholding, no kiss, not a thing. It was going nowhere, maybe a second date if it was even a date. When i moved back to my partners place i told Jack and he said 'no bother', and i haven't heard from him since.
I did tell my partner about this and he went crazy, irrationally crazy and brings it up every few days. I continue to say the truth - nothing happened, nothing was going to, and even if it was it was none of his business as we were split up. Last week i finally said this has to stop and asked if we could move on, he hasn't mentioned it since.

Yesterday I get a call out of the blue from Jack saying that somebody had been ringing him at work asking fishy questions about me. Basically he says it sounded like a setup and the bloke on the phone wanted to know were we a couple, ex's etc. It was a blocked number of course so i have zero evidence.
What do I do?
Is it my partner trying to catch me out for something that never happened?
Should I ask him?
TBH I think the relationship is over after this, if he can't take my word for it we have nothing. I have never cheated on any man nor will i ever. Im gutted.

tara73

sorry to hear this is happening to you.

You have no definite evidence it was him, but who else should be behind it ? That is a really nasty attitude from him, bad character.

The trust is gone here, from his part and from your part too.

I think it was a good thing you told him about your meet up with the friend. You explained it to him, that nothing happened, and you're completely right with the point you weren't a couple at the time. It's a sign you wanted to explain to him what happened to avoid him hearing biased rumours in the future from somebody else.
If he can't see this as a good thing and kind of wants to believe you cheated on him it's a bad situation but his choice. He doesn't trust you. For sure I don't know you but from what you write and how you come across here, I get the feeling you are a very decent and honest person, so he seems the one to be twisted/paranoid, not you!

I think I would end it again, the whole relationship didn't sound very healthy regarding your opening post.
You split up before and there were reasons for it.

There are massive problems again, so I don't think you found the right partner for life here.

Shrap

headmelt2016 wrote: »

I have never been married, i have no kids and I want the whole white picket fence thing. As an aside he has been married multiple times, has 6 kids by 3 different women and has a history of infidelity although not since he has been with me AFAIK.

Based on this, I'd say what you have here is a huge case of the pot calling the kettle black. I also think your ex "Jack" has your best interests at heart, being cool and decent with you over your decision to move back in with this guy, and alerting you to these weird queries about your love life that tracked him down to his work-place.

Your guy's reaction to the honest truth is what is out of kilter here, combined with his own history. Perhaps he has suddenly felt what it was like to be on the receiving end of infidelity and cover-ups (even though you have done no such thing) and due to his past behaviour, is projecting what he has done in the past onto you?

Regardless of whether it was your guy making the weird calls or not, I have to say that a leopard really doesn't change its spots. That's no "aside" up there, that's a lot of baggage. You want the happily ever after thing (with kids?) and you've plumped for a fella with this kind of history, and clearly with a pattern of not learning from his mistakes or when to stop making babies and leaving his family (or getting kicked out for infidelity)? I can only wish you the best of luck in being the woman who gets him to build the white picket fence......

CaraMay

He doesn't sound like much of a catch nor a great bet for the white picket fence setup.

Does he see and pay for all his kids? Tbh he sounds a bit unhinged. Who would call someone's work like that??! Freaky scary. Dump him and run. There as many many better catches than him out there.

Mourinho

headmelt2016 wrote: »

As an aside he has been married multiple times, has 6 kids by 3 different women and has a history of infidelity although not since he has been with me AFAIK

With the greatest of respect, that should have ruled him out as the man to bet on to build a "white picket fence thing" with from day one.

Dial Hard

headmelt2016 wrote:

So im a female mid-30s, with a longterm partner. We broke up a few months ago and were apart for about a month. In summary, i left him because I felt like i was being stringed along, he is still technically married despite telling me for years that he was getting divorced etcetc. I have never been married, i have no kids and I want the whole white picket fence thing. As an aside he has been married multiple times, has 6 kids by 3 different women and has a history of infidelity although not since he has been with me AFAIK.

How old is this guy, if you don't mind me asking? If he's been married and divorced multiple times, in Ireland, with our glacier-pace divorce laws then he must be getting on in years and I'd be questioning your long-term compatibility even if you were willing to overlook all the other massive red flags that are waving frantically above the parapet.

DB01

I think you're fooling yourself that this is the man you'll be building white picket fences with. Don't waste any more time or there's a very good chance you'll regret it.

silverharp

Op , I don't think you can see the wood from the trees. What do your friends and family make of him?
The phone incident by itself is all the evidence you need to get out of the relationship as fast as you can , no normal man would do this. At a minimum you have a controlling bully on you hands.

Emme

OP the white picket fence and children isn't everything and doesn't happen for everyone. It's certainly not worth putting up with abuse for and that's what you would be doing if you stay with the man in question. By the sounds of your (hopefully) ex, you would be better off on your own than with him. Married several times with six children by 3 different women? Possibly stalking and harrassing Jack? RUN!

Don't rush into new relationships. Try to make new friends, find new interests and if you go on dates don't have any expectations except enjoying each other's company.

As an update: Ask your friend Jack to keep details of any calls that come from the blocked number. Time of call, duration of call, nature of call and what was said. Even if the call is from a blocked number it can be traced if sufficient records are made and the harrassment is serious enough.

If you dump this man it might be advisable to get a new phone number and be vigilant of personal safety. He sounds like a nutter.

Neyite

OP, why are you wasting your time? He is showing you who he is. Pay attention to it.

You are mid thirties. You want kids. You've decided that the best person to have this with is your on-off married partner who has a string of ex-wives and 6 children already? A possibly jealous cheat is the love of your life? Surely you can do better than that. There are so many lovely men who would love to have that white picket fence thing with you. Men that don't cheat. Men that don't bail on their wives and kids. Why would you settle for him.

What kind of a dad is he to the other six? Because that's exactly the kind of dad he will be to any you have. And if his past is littered with women he's done the dirt on and bailed leaving them to rear his kids on their own, then take a long hard look because that will be your future too.

I hope you have a good long think about this. Otherwise I fear you'll be back here in a couple of years posting that you since got married, had a kid and /or pregnant again and you've read his texts and discovered he's been cheating on you since before you got married.

LegacyUser

OP here. Thanks to everyone for replies.

It has actually been an eyeopener for me to read the general consensus. I really do think I will sit down and re-assess, not only about the issue at hand but future prospects for the relationship.

I have had negative opinions from my family and close friends when we first started dating. I think I never gave them more than a passing thought, and we have now been living together for so long (3 years- bar the month off) that I had absolutely forgotten how our relationship appears to people. Yes he is significantly older than me and has quite a checkered past, some of which is part of his present ie. estranged kids and separated wife.

Also as crazy as it sounds maybe I had accepted that this was the hand I have been dealt and my life partner situation was just meant to have these complexities. I guess when we started dating I never thought it was anything serious or would be longterm so I didn't really think logically about his past, kids etc. In fairness to him, I probably only became completely clear in the past 2/3 years about wanting a family etc, I guess we don't give these things quality time until the clock starts ticking in our 30's- as least I didn't.
He is a good man, there is no doubt in my ahead about that. He isn't everyones cup of tea but I am in love with him, perhaps I'm emotionally (not financially) dependant on him or something? I think I need to sort myself out, perhaps build more strength emotionally so I can make an objective decision.
Thanks again