Guy my g/friend was seeing asked her out- she never told me

Texas Jack

Hi guys

Myself and my girlfriend broke up for 4 months over the summer but got back together in October.

In that time she was casually seeing a guy in work. It wasn't serious and he was butthurt when we got back together. Completely ignored her in work apparently.

Anyways fast forward to now, and it's been difficult enough for me to see her go to work where he is every day but I suck it up.

The other night the two of us were out and her battery died so I let her use my phone to check her college assignment group on Facebook. She left herself logged in and he sent her a message, innocent enough talking about some Star Wars figurine but then said there's a band he likes playing on Friday and did she wanna go for a few drinks?

I have no idea what she replied or even if she did reply but I'm really pissed off she still hasn't told me. She doesn't know I know.

Now I don't know whether to confront her about it.

I'm also considering confronting him as he's seen were back together so him doing this makes my blood boil

Advice please?

Thanks

Wompa1

Texas Jack wrote: »

Hi guys

Myself and my girlfriend broke up for 4 months over the summer but got back together in October.

In that time she was casually seeing a guy in work. It wasn't serious and he was butthurt when we got back together. Completely ignored her in work apparently.

Anyways fast forward to now, and it's been difficult enough for me to see her go to work where he is every day but I suck it up.

The other night the two of us were out and her battery died so I let her use my phone to check her college assignment group on Facebook. She left herself logged in and he sent her a message, innocent enough talking about some Star Wars figurine but then said there's a band he likes playing on Friday and did she wanna go for a few drinks?

I have no idea what she replied or even if she did reply but I'm really pissed off she still hasn't told me. She doesn't know I know.

Now I don't know whether to confront her about it.

I'm also considering confronting him as he's seen were back together so him doing this makes my blood boil

Advice please?

Thanks

Let it go. If she plays away on you, you'll know it's not to be and she's not the right one for you. If I was you, I wouldn't say a word to her and see if she goes out on Friday night. If she does ask where and who with, casually. If she doesn't say it's him, that's when I'd be worried.

If she says his name. Maybe you could pry a bit more and tell her that you're not comfortable with the idea of her hanging out with him and that while you trust her, you don't trust him. You don't think anything will happen but you think he's hanging around with her to try to make something happen and that irks you.

HalloweenJack

Wompa1 wrote: »

If I was you, I wouldn't say a word to her and see if she goes out on Friday night. If she does ask where and who with, casually. If she doesn't say it's him, that's when I'd be worried.

What if she genuinely goes out with her friends on Friday night? She's entitled to have a social life and suggesting that the OP should be worried if she goes out on Friday and doesn't say his name is just bizarre.

OP, have you and your GF talked about what happened with this guy? If not, tell her that the situation makes you uncomfortable as quite clearly it is something of a problem for you and the more you let it linger, the bigger it will get. Ask her you want to know what the current deal with her and him is. It could be they are still talking, it could be she ignores him. Don't make threats or ultimatums, though. Tell her and let her react.

Whatever you do, don't contact him.

kjl

So you guys broke up, then she scores one of her classmates all pretty par for the course when it comes to break ups.

The fact is that after being with this guy, she choose to go back to you. TBH, the way you describe this guys wouldn't really make he feel like a threat to me. Some star wars nerd sends her a message, it doesn't mean she is going to jump into bed with him and probably thought it so insignificant that she did feel like upsetting you by telling you.

Really my best advice is grow up, you girlfriend is with you and until proven otherwise you should trust her.

pookie82

To be honest, I'm all for transparency in relationships etc., but she probably doesn't want to annoy you by telling you this thorny ex of hers who she sees daily is still trying to win her back (if that's even what it is). She doesn't actually have to tell you, either, as long as she's not reciprocating. All it would cause is your annoyance.

She's probably also worried you'd react exactly as you have above - by considering getting in touch with him yourself. Please do not do this. It's not your place to. It will make you look like a possessive he-man and she's the one who'll have to deal with the fall out/tension on a daily basis in her place of work.

If it's really playing on your mind, you could always casually ask if this guy ever speaks to her any longer or shows any interest. See if she mentions it then? Or admit straight out she left herself logged in on your phone and you saw his message, and ask how she feels about it.
The fact that she left herself logged in on your phone, though, means she's not trying to hide anything. It's also quite possible he's asking her for a drink as a mate, maybe trying to repair the damage done by his initial dismay at you guys getting back together.

Whatever the fallout, it's HER place to tell him to back off, not yours.

sbsquarepants

Maybe she knows your a bit jealous or whatever and just thinks it's best not to throw fuel on the fire?
If someone asked me out I wouldn't run home and tell my missus - why cause myself unnecessary grief?
As for approaching this guy - no, I wouldn't. It's up to your girlfriend to spurn (or accept) his advances should she want to. She's a grown up, you don't get to pick her friends anymore than she gets to pick yours.

intheclouds

Texas Jack wrote: »

In that time she was casually seeing a guy in work. It wasn't serious...

ok

Texas Jack wrote: »

...it's been difficult enough for me to see her go to work where he is every day but I suck it up.

Why? it wasnt serious? And he has been ignoring her anyway?

Texas Jack wrote: »

I have no idea what she replied or even if she did reply but I'm really pissed off she still hasn't told me. She doesn't know I know.

Are you annoyed because you thought he was ignoring her or because they might be friendly or because regardless of either of those things you think she needs to report details of every interaction with another guy to you?

Texas Jack wrote: »

I'm also considering confronting him as he's seen were back together so him doing this makes my blood boil

It would be moronic, inappropriate and pretty knuckle draggery to confront someone for talking to your girlfriend no?

Why wouldnt he be allowed to be friendly with her or ask her to go out on a Friday night? Do you think theyd be straight up banging just because they went to see a band?

I think you seem very insecure about your relationship. And itd be very controlling to try and stop someone talking to her, and or asking her out.

If you dont trust her, dont be with her.

Mr. Incognito

he works with her.

If she wants to cheat she can cheat every single day.

Maybe you should absorb that. Friday is no different.

They hooked up when she was single. Get over it. How do you know he was hurt? She told you? For all you know he could have dumped her and she could have come back to you. It would explain the cold shoulder also.

If you cant trust your gf then cut the cord and stop wasting everyones time.

racso1975

As said above its a relationship you gotta trust her till proven otherwise. Can be difficult at times but that's what trust is. We all have a past and prob most of us have an ex that still holds a soft spot for us or vice versa.


But please whatever you do DO Not Go Confront this guy. Its her workplace and co-worker. Apart from mortifying her and making her work place potentially uncomfortable you could easily end up pushing them together.


Shes with you, wants to be with you. Enjoy it. Dont let stuff beyond your control or thoughts of what if mess it up for ya. Enjoy

shamrock2004

Texas Jack wrote: »

Hi guys

Myself and my girlfriend broke up for 4 months over the summer but got back together in October.

In that time she was casually seeing a guy in work. It wasn't serious and he was butthurt when we got back together. Completely ignored her in work apparently.

Anyways fast forward to now, and it's been difficult enough for me to see her go to work where he is every day but I suck it up.

The other night the two of us were out and her battery died so I let her use my phone to check her college assignment group on Facebook. She left herself logged in and he sent her a message, innocent enough talking about some Star Wars figurine but then said there's a band he likes playing on Friday and did she wanna go for a few drinks?

I have no idea what she replied or even if she did reply but I'm really pissed off she still hasn't told me. She doesn't know I know.

Now I don't know whether to confront her about it.

I'm also considering confronting him as he's seen were back together so him doing this makes my blood boil

Advice please?

Thanks

Who called time on the relationship before you got back together? Was she maybe using this guy in work to make you jealous? I would (without a shadow of a doubt) confront her about it (and not the other guy) and ask her what's going on.

Let me raise this point...

You seem to have taken her word for it that this co-worker is ignoring her completely in work since she gave him the flick, yet he's messaging her on facebook? Something doesn't make sense, and if it were me, there would be alarm bells ringing.

DukeOfTheSharp

I'm of the persuasion that something about this doesn't necessarily smell right, and that trust is a two-way street. Regardless of how she thinks you might react, it's a sign of respect and sets a precedent when you're 100% honest with someone about even the most uncomfortable of situations. I think it's best to simply talk to her, not the other guy, about this. Tell her you're not comfortable about what she's been saying vs. what this chap did, and that you think you had a right to know if this was going to happen.

Honestly your best bet is to be firm, but given how she effectively lied about his treatment of her - for whatever reason - she doesn't trust you enough to tell you. The fact of the matter is that if you can't rely on the person you're with to be transparent, you can't be with them because they'll arbitrarily hide things in order to create drama and they don't even know they're doing it. Trust is a two-way street, if she doesn't want to be honest then that's on her, not you, and I'd also ask this: is she really worth this kind of nonsense happening? Your relationship seems to be dramatic enough as it is, if she's not willing to accept that there's an adjustment period and that transparency needs to be a thing until you've both settled back into a dynamic then there's no sense in continuing it.

Ursus Horribilis

If you think seeing your girlfriend going into work is hard for you, how do you think she feels? It must have been very awkward and uncomfortable for her to try and work alongside this guy, seeing as he had taken the rejection so badly. Maybe she has been trying to repair their previous friendship/working relationship and get things back on an even keel. If you don't trust your girlfriend and find that the jealousy and paranoia is eating you up, then perhaps it's time to end things for good.

DukeOfTheSharp

Odus fell down wrote: »

If you think seeing your girlfriend going into work is hard for you, how do you think she feels? It must have been very awkward and uncomfortable for her to try and work alongside this guy, seeing as he had taken the rejection so badly. Maybe she has been trying to repair their previous friendship/working relationship and get things back on an even keel. If you don't trust your girlfriend and find that the jealousy and paranoia is eating you up, then perhaps it's time to end things for good.

While I do agree with the tail-end of this, I do think that the idea that anyone should empathize with her and what she's dealing with is going a little far. The concept of 'don't s*** where you eat' applies here, and the idea that she didn't think this could potentially happen might be a constant in her decision-making. Dealing with consequence is something that we all have to do, we all make mistakes, but if she hasn't drawn up boundaries with this chap and refuses to engage the OP in the truth of the matter then I'd imagine that it'd make things worse.

Ursus Horribilis

I agree that it was foolish of her to get involved with a colleague. I too believe that you 'don't get your honey where you make your money'. I know someone personally who ended up having to move jobs when the wheels came off their office romance. Not everyone does though - all you have to do is look in these very forums. You'll see people encouraging posters to ask that girl or boy in their office out. Sometimes it's the right thing to do but it is something that carries risks.

This could very well be the girlfriend trying to play the diplomat here. She has to work alongside this guy so it's in her interests to smooth things out again. She might be working on rebuilding their old friendship/working relationship. She also has a boyfriend who is very obviously angry, jealous and insecure. I'm sure it's radiating off him. She knows there'll be drama if she mentions her colleague. So it's easier all round if nobody knows what's going on.

sbsquarepants

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

I'm of the persuasion that something about this doesn't necessarily smell right, and that trust is a two-way street. Regardless of how she thinks you might react, it's a sign of respect and sets a precedent when you're 100% honest with someone about even the most uncomfortable of situations. I think it's best to simply talk to her, not the other guy, about this. Tell her you're not comfortable about what she's been saying vs. what this chap did, and that you think you had a right to know if this was going to happen.

Honestly your best bet is to be firm, but given how she effectively lied about his treatment of her - for whatever reason - she doesn't trust you enough to tell you. The fact of the matter is that if you can't rely on the person you're with to be transparent, you can't be with them because they'll arbitrarily hide things in order to create drama and they don't even know they're doing it. Trust is a two-way street, if she doesn't want to be honest then that's on her, not you, and I'd also ask this: is she really worth this kind of nonsense happening? Your relationship seems to be dramatic enough as it is, if she's not willing to accept that there's an adjustment period and that transparency needs to be a thing until you've both settled back into a dynamic then there's no sense in continuing it.

I have to say I pretty much disagree with most of this.
OP, I mean no offence, but you're clearly a bit insecure and jealous. You found this out by snooping after all! It's not your fault per se, some people are just like that, but it is something you should work to eradicate because they aren't very nice or desirable traits to have.

Duke - no one is 100% honest. No one, not one person in the entire history of civilisation, it's an absolute nonsense to suggest otherwise. Everybody lies to their partner, everybody. Some people, particularly highly strung or jealous types need to be handled in a way that doesn't set them off on one every day of the week. Sometimes it's best to tell a little fib or to neglect to mention something just for the sake of a quite life. No one wants to deal with someone elses insecurity day in day out.

To be quite honest that's what this sounds like to me.

intheclouds

sbsquarepants wrote: »

Duke - no one is 100% honest. No one, not one person in the entire history of civilisation, it's an absolute nonsense to suggest otherwise. Everybody lies to their partner, everybody.

I have to respectfully disagree.

I genuinely do not lie to my partner (or in life!). It just wouldnt even occur to me to lie.

B.A._Baracus

Texas Jack wrote: »

The other night the two of us were out and her battery died so I let her use my phone to check her college assignment group on Facebook. She left herself logged in and he sent her a message, innocent enough talking about some Star Wars figurine but then said there's a band he likes playing on Friday and did she wanna go for a few drinks?

That is a bit worrying indeed.
No guy, who gets the elbow from a girl (who said girl then goes back to her ex) proceeds to ask her out for drinks unless he is looking to get back with her.... or at least score with her again. Never mind all this "friends" bollocks. It's clear where he stands.

But ultimately it's what your girlfriend does here op. If she doesn't go out tonight or goes out to some other place with her friends then all is grand. She told him no or fobbed him off. That's the result you want and mention how you saw her facebook in a couple of days time. Get that out in the open.

If in the event she says she is going to see a certain band tonight. Then yeah alarm bells be ringing loud. In fact, I would break up with someone.

DukeOfTheSharp

sbsquarepants wrote: »

Duke - no one is 100% honest. No one, not one person in the entire history of civilisation, it's an absolute nonsense to suggest otherwise. Everybody lies to their partner, everybody. Some people, particularly highly strung or jealous types need to be handled in a way that doesn't set them off on one every day of the week. Sometimes it's best to tell a little fib or to neglect to mention something just for the sake of a quite life. No one wants to deal with someone elses insecurity day in day out.

To be quite honest that's what this sounds like to me.

Here's the thing though, who says the OP is jealous? He might be of the same persuasion that someone shouldn't s*** where they eat, and now he has to deal with this situation because his girlfriend made an error in judgement and isn't being honest about it - something that could have been avoided if she was 100% honest with him.
If you lie to someone, you don't actually want to be with them, you just like the benefits you get from them. I've been lied to about all manner of crap, for no real reason bar the deluded narratives that people build up in their own heads to justify doing something wrong. When 'they might get mad or jealous' is your excuse for lying, you don't actually respect the person or give them the benefit of the doubt. To expect trust when you give none, to want respect when you won't give it, is hypocrisy, and it leads to a dysfunctional relationship.

gothic_doll

Just chiming in to say I am one of those unicorns who never lie to anyone. There are plenty of honest people in the world, and keeping the peace is no excuse to deliberately mislead someone.

If something is built upon lies and half-truths, it will collapse- eventually.
Living with lies is like asking someone to do a sum, but giving them the wrong numbers to add up. They will never understand something unless they are told the truth- and this applies to every circumstance. Best of luck to the OP.

Ave Sodalis

DukeOfTheSharp wrote:

I'm of the persuasion that something about this doesn't necessarily smell right, and that trust is a two-way street. Regardless of how she thinks you might react, it's a sign of respect and sets a precedent when you're 100% honest with someone about even the most uncomfortable of situations. I think it's best to simply talk to her, not the other guy, about this. Tell her you're not comfortable about what she's been saying vs. what this chap did, and that you think you had a right to know if this was going to happen.

If someone came onto the forum and said that his girlfriend keeps telling him about all the guys who ask her out, we'd be saying that she's up to something and is clearly trying to make the guy jealous. I know this because there has been thread on this in the past and the advice was to dump her because she's playing games.

There is absolutely no reason for the OP gf to tell him about every single person she talks to or the content of the messages. He asked her out. That's her problem to deal with, not the OP. I see absolutely no reason to tell him she was asked out by a guy and would think she had an agenda if she did. To put it simply, the OP does not have a right to know if he only asked her out. It reeks of control. Why would anyone want to know that?

gothic_doll

sup_dude wrote: »

He asked her out. That's her problem to deal with, not the OP. I see absolutely no reason to tell him she was asked out by a guy and would think she had an agenda if she did. To put it simply, the OP does not have a right to know if he only asked her out. It reeks of control. Why would anyone want to know that?

Isn't it because she was dating the other guy for a few months very recently? And then told OP said guy was ignoring her?

-Other guy isn't ignoring her after all
-Other guy asked her out this week, even though she is back together with OP.

OP isn't being controlling in that he hasn't actually asked her about the messages. My guess is he is seeking transparency (to reassure him they're not at it in the toilets together while at work.) and he has only found evidence of the opposite. Doesn't mean he's being controlling, and also doesn't mean she's cheating.

DukeOfTheSharp

sup_dude wrote: »

If someone came onto the forum and said that his girlfriend keeps telling him about all the guys who ask her out, we'd be saying that she's up to something and is clearly trying to make the guy jealous. I know this because there has been thread on this in the past and the advice was to dump her because she's playing games.

There is absolutely no reason for the OP gf to tell him about every single person she talks to or the content of the messages. He asked her out. That's her problem to deal with, not the OP. I see absolutely no reason to tell him she was asked out by a guy and would think she had an agenda if she did. To put it simply, the OP does not have a right to know if he only asked her out. It reeks of control. Why would anyone want to know that?

As the OP said, apparently this chap is ignoring her. The idea that 'control' is an issue here is ridiculous. This isn't telling the OP about everything single person she talks to - this is about one chap, who the OP's GF dated, who is supposed to be ignoring her, who is then asking her out when she's been with the OP for a few months now. I mean, you're effectively conflating two issues of different origins: someone telling their BF/GF about multiple times they've been asked out is ridiculous, but that's not the situation here, as the Op's girlfriend dated this chap already, and broke it off with him. The two scenarios you're positing make no sense when compared. One person his GF dated does not equate to 'every person she ever talks to', and isn't actually the issue here at all.

Ave Sodalis

gothic_doll wrote:

Isn't it because she was dating the other guy for a few months very recently? And then told OP said guy was ignoring her?

How long has it been since the OP was told the work guy was ignoring the gf, and the messages? Would it be possible that they attempted to keep it civil after that, and the OP just happened to come across the messages when the guy was trying to take advantage of this attempt? I mean, it's been 3 months since they got together. That's a long time to completely ignore someone. It sounds like the guy is a problem, one which the gf has to handle. I don't see how that's any of the OPs business, or how he has any right to interfere and approach the guy.

sbsquarepants

intheclouds wrote: »

I have to respectfully disagree.

I genuinely do not lie to my partner (or in life!). It just wouldnt even occur to me to lie.

Well that's a lie for a start!

Think back - you've never even said she looked great when she didn't, never said a barely edible meal was lovely, said thanks it's just what I wanted when handed some god awful pressie, you've never pulled a sickie from work or said you were late because of imaginary roadworks, never told your insurance company you had a cheaper quote, or a potential job that you were considering another offer.

Come off it would you!

intheclouds

sbsquarepants wrote: »

Well that's a lie for a start!

Think back - you've never even said she looked great when she didn't, never said a barely edible meal was lovely, said thanks it's just what I wanted when handed some god awful pressie, you've never pulled a sickie from work or said you were late because of imaginary roadworks, never told your insurance company you had a cheaper quote, or a potential job that you were considering another offer.

Come off it would you!

I am female.

No, Ive never done any of the things you say above - I dont really understand why anyone would do them tbh? I dont feel the need to lie in daily life - at all.

I take your point on car insurance, perhaps I will try that sometime.

Im not some moral paragon of godliness btw, it just wouldnt occur to me to lie in any given moment.

sbsquarepants

intheclouds wrote: »

I am female. .

Another lie. There are no women on the internet:D

intheclouds wrote: »

No, Ive never done any of the things you say above - I dont really understand why anyone would do them tbh? I dont feel the need to lie in daily life - at all.

I take your point on car insurance, perhaps I will try that sometime.

Im not some moral paragon of godliness btw, it just wouldnt occur to me to lie in any given moment.

You've never once told a friend her new hair do was lovely when in reality she looked like Sinead O'Connor, or that her tan wasn't all that day glow orange.
Frankly - if it doesn't occur to you to lie sometimes, there is something wrong with you!


Lying is as ingrained as breathing, it's actually so ingrained that the absence of it in children can be viewed as a warning sign of autism!

intheclouds

sbsquarepants wrote: »

You've never once told a friend her new hair do was lovely when in reality she looked like Sinead O'Connor, or that her tan wasn't all that day glow orange.
Frankly - if it doesn't occur to you to lie sometimes, there is something wrong with you!


Lying is as ingrained as breathing, it's actually so ingrained that the absence of it in children can be viewed as a warning sign of autism!

Well then there must be something wrong with me, because I just wouldnt be arsed telling someone their new hair do was nice if it wasnt!

mud

intheclouds wrote: »

Well then there must be something wrong with me, because I just wouldnt be arsed telling someone their new hair do was nice if it wasnt!

Would you straight up tell them it was rotten or would you say nothing? (lie by omission)

OP what does your gut tell you? If you truly suspect that all is not what it seems then it is time for a frank conversation with your OH. Mind how you go when you tell her you read her personal messages. That shizz does not go down well 99% of the time.

Texas Jack

Thanks for the replies guys

The Young Wan

Texas Jack wrote: »

The other night the two of us were out and her battery died so I let her use my phone to check her college assignment group on Facebook. She left herself logged in and he sent her a message, innocent enough talking about some Star Wars figurine but then said there's a band he likes playing on Friday and did she wanna go for a few drinks?

Is no one going to address the invasion of privacy when he read the messages between them? You should have logged out of her account as soon as you got the phone back rather than go snooping around.

stargazer 68

The Young Wan wrote: »

Is no one going to address the invasion of privacy when he read the messages between them? .

Well no of course not! Far too busy hanging this girl!

Taltos

Mod Note
The Young Wan, Dovies - per our charter if you have no constructive advice to offer please don't post.

To some of the others, the discussion on lying was off topic, off topic posts can and do result in moderator action just as the last two posts above this.

If you are unsure of the expectations here please read our charter before posting again.

Thanks

Texas Jack

The Young Wan wrote: »

Is no one going to address the invasion of privacy when he read the messages between them? You should have logged out of her account as soon as you got the phone back rather than go snooping around.

The message showed up on my home screen when I next checked my phone- I presumed she logged out and I'm sure she did too