Don't know whether to stay or go

LegacyUser

Hi,

I'm in a relationship for the past 5 years and we are living together just over two yeas.
For the past few months I've been having doubts regarding the relationship, for a few reasons, but mainly that I find the way she communicates with me totally unacceptable sometimes. At least once or twice a day, she will say or intonate something in a way that I would consider quite rude.

I could be telling her a story and if she feels I'm not getting to the point fast enough she'll start interrupting me by asking questions which drives me nuts. Meanwhile, when she tells one, she'll always give me the complete, unabridged version, and if she feels my attention is wandering, she'll get annoyed with me. Other times I could make a statement about something totally mundane or ask her a question, and she could snap at me. If she asks me a question and I don't hear it the first or second time for whatever reason (say I'm on the phone with poor signal), I'm reluctant to say "what" as sometimes, but not often, she'll sigh out of irritation and do this annoying thing where she slowly and sarcastically over-enunciates the thing she said the first time. This drives me bonkers as I see it as outright antagonism, and it has been the cause of a few fights between us.
All of this sometimes makes me edit my responses or watch what I say a little about around her which I know is not a healthy behaviour in a relationship. It also means I'm basically sulking for a lot of the time when around her. I've mentioned this to her multiple times and she's apologised, but she still does it.

Some context: she's been on antidepressants for a few years and is prone to anxiety and stress, so I feel a lot of her rudeness stems from this, although the same things are true of me and I make an effort to be polite with everyone, so it's not really a valid excuse in my mind. She is in a role with lots of responsbility which requires here to be in charge and on top of things. I'm quite an easy going guy on the other hand, which she maintains is one of the reasons our relationship has lasted thus far, as I "keep her centred".

In terms of the things she does and has done, she is and has been very kind and thoughtful without going into too much detail, which makes her "verbal behaviour" all the more confusing and hurtful. I know deep down she loves me and cares for me, but it turns the relationship into an emotional rollercoaster, and I find myself vacillating between being happy to be in a relationship with her and fantasising about dumping her, and imagining how I could be with someone else who would give me all the things I have in this relationship without the verbal annoyances that come with it.

I also tend to dwell on my friends' relationships, comparing theirs to ours and wondering if their girlfriends speak to their boyfriends the way mine does to me. This I know is bad as you don't know what goes on behind closed-doors and any conclusions I come to would be pure supposition.

I would qualify everything I've said above buy mentioning that I know I'm by no means perfect myself. I can be inattentive or forgetful, I don't take criticism very well and I have my own set of mental issues for which treatment is ongoing, revolving around obsessiveness, anxiety, perfectionism, being too much of a people pleaser and conflict-avoidant. I may be dwelling on this to the point that it's distorting my perception of the relationship and blowing things out of proportion. I'm also probably too laid back and agreeable in situations for which being direct and firm is required. This is the first time I've lived with someone, and it's the longest relationship I've ever been in. I know no relationship is perfect, and differing communication styles are the root of a lot of problems in a relationship, so I'm open to the possibility that I need to get a thicker skin.

However, it's coming to a head for me now, as the relationship is at the stage where very serious life-changing decisions are on the horizon, and I don't want to commit to something if I genuinely am getting the short end of the stick with this one.

Any thoughts are appreciated

silverbolt

Ok firstly, stop comparing your relationship to other people. They could happy as a Smurf to the outside world and rip shreds out of each other the second tehy get behind closed doors.

I think you guys are in a bit of a rut. Its all just too familiar and boring. She does things that she knows winds you up. I dont think its a case of you need to "man up" but i think going by what you have said you two need to find the spark again.

You also mention serious life changing decisions ahead - this could also be a stresser thats causing the arguments.

Either way I wouldnt throw a 5 year down the toilet unless you know for definete that the love is gone and you cant salvage anything