Don't know where I am..

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I previously posted here before about my boyfriend (long distance relationship) who left me while he went away at the beginning of December, sent me a text saying it was over refusing a conversation about it. Not the first time he did it, this was the second time. I called and called and he wouldn't answer and told me to go and talk to someone else and spoke to me very aggressively with cursing non stop while he was angry. It was something that could've been talked about but he didn't want to fix anything. When he did this being away on work, I noticed he started following girls on instagram who were around him once or twice and liking a lot of their 'selfies' or half naked pics. I felt truly crushed by this because he was clearly showing interest to others just after breaking up with me. He deleted all of our pictures together on the same day he dumped me by text and uploaded ones of himself away..

Recently he got in touch, I blocked him on my phone but forgot the email. He emailed me a massive apology for all he's done to me being childish selfish and cruel. Said he tried to call to apologise but couldn't get through. I did not say much back other than he should've apologised a lot earlier than this, with the pain I went through for xmas time. He said he wanted to apologise so much but did not have the courage.

He is so desperate to get back with me now, but I've told him nothing has changed. He says he will not do it again and is willing to do anything to prove this even just be friends until I'm ready because he loves me. I keep asking him how can he change if he is not getting any help for his anger? I told him he broke the trust and made me feel he was interested elsewhere which he swears he wasn't. We had so many plans over the xmas time with each others family that he threw away, I spent new years alone and it broke my heart so much. I confronted him on the issue of liking all those pics and he said he was doing it out of anger, I went back to check the pics but noticed he "unliked" every single one... this has made me question even more.

I guess what I'm looking to know is can people change?? Is it possible to be friends with him? He wants to have the relationship back but I told him I cant do that. He says he wont give up trying to win my trust back and will do whatever it takes. I just don't feel like he is a stable person. Whenever he is away it seems he doesn't care what his actions are in the heat of the moment. He has broke up with me once, then persuaded me back into it and ended up doing the exact same thing again, even in the same manner (deleting pics, then uploading pics of him having a good time..). I feel whenever I want to talk about something I'm just walking on eggshells because I know he'll get angry if he doesn't want to discuss anything. It's hard for me to stay strong because before a relationship we were good friends without problems. Thank you for reading.

Mourinho

Just a males opinion here. But sounds like he figured he'd ride all around him once ye broke up and when he didn't get anything he's come crawling back to you.

silverbolt

A leopard never changes its spots.

I think before you decide anything you need to know why he broke up with you out of the blue TWICE and why he didnt have the decency to do it to your face. And frankly it had better be the kind of reason that would make the stars weep in sympathy.

Do you really want to go back to a guy that has dumped you twice already for no reason?

LegacyUser

Mourinho wrote: »

Just a males opinion here. But sounds like he figured he'd ride all around him once ye broke up and when he didn't get anything he's come crawling back to you.

I know what you are saying, this has crossed my mind but I don't think he's confident enough to do that as a person. He deifinitely showed interest to others online though ...which has stressed me out so much with anxiety. I'm trying to ask myself why he would get back with me so much when I don't even live in the same country as him? like why is he making such an effort now.. surely he could find someone else closer... what's the point of being with someone with the effort involved being long distance if there's interest elsewhere?

LegacyUser

silverbolt wrote: »

A leopard never changes its spots.

I think before you decide anything you need to know why he broke up with you out of the blue TWICE and why he didnt have the decency to do it to your face. And frankly it had better be the kind of reason that would make the stars weep in sympathy.

Do you really want to go back to a guy that has dumped you twice already for no reason?

He told me he did it because he was an idiot who acted out of anger... but it doesn't make sense because anyone would come around to realising what they did a few hours after it... but I didn't hear until now. Same excuse as the first time. He promise me after the first time he would never hurt me like that again. People closest to me said it's because he didn't find anyone else and is crawling back. Like the last time he did this he did it while he was away around a lot of new people. I don't like how he only comes around to feeling sorry when he returns.. like the loneliness hits him and he can't handle it.

batmanrobin

OP, he's done it twice. Do you really want to give him a chance to do it to you again? He hasn't changed.

I can appreciate that you're probably wondering "what if". What if you don't get back together and he really has changed. But I think deep down you know the answer. You're probably tired of feeling like ****e and just want that to end.

If you were to take him back, would you not be walking on eggshells? Would you not be wondering when is it going to happen again?

I'm all for giving a relationship a second chance, but if it doesn't work the second time round, odds are it's not going to work at all.

Don't let him make a mug out of you again. You'll get over it. Just be strong. You deserve better.

PressRun

He's already done this twice. He knows that he can do ****ty things like break up with you over text for no reason, aggressively swear at you over the phone, and generally treat you horribly, and still be able to reel you back in whenever he gets bored of being alone. He has all the power here and he knows it.

Forget about this eejit. If he didn't treat you well the first time or the second time, what makes you think anything will be different the third time? I wouldn't have even responded to any of those emails, to be honest.

Rocket19

God OP, he's pathetic.
Don't get back with him.

You need to get your head around that he does not care about you.
Someone who loves you would never, ever treat you that way.

He's acting sweet now because HE wants you back, and no doubt he would drop you in a flash the next time he changes his mind.

You really need to work on yourself because the fact you would even consider taking him back tells me your self esteem must be really poor.

Honestly, no one should be treated the way he has treated you, you deserve so much more.
You need to get to a place where your response to his behaviour would not be "should I take him back?", but "how DARE he treat me like that.."

One day, you'll look back and wonder what you ever saw in him, but let that be sooner rather than later.

LegacyUser

A part of me just loved being with him, maybe the excitement of it all since we were flying over to each other a lot. I know that there is something wrong with my sense of judgement because most people around me have said not to ever contact him...and I know they are right. It might be the thought that I won't find someone else and will be alone which hurts when I loved being with him.. he used to do a lot of overly nice things all the time with gifts and compliments.. but I know he doesn't offer me anything that makes me feel secure. My anxiety levels were through the roof with him all the time..

He just seems so full of regret now and won't stop asking if there's a chance and saying he'll do anything...

CaraMay

Is he doing drugs? He sounds quite mental!!!

You would be making a huge mistake entertaining this guy again. He's treated you like crap repeatedly. Just walk away.

Disgruntled Badger

He sounds really immature to me, but you really like him, right? It's tough but I think you should let him go, at least for the moment while he grows up a bit. You sound like a really nice person. You deserve to be treated better and there are lots of guys who will. Best of Luck

Ursus Horribilis

Oh dear. What a pity that email got through. I found your previous thread and can see just how devastated you were back then. I spotted something in that post and if you don't mind, I felt I had to share it here.

He has always had an anger problem and would curse at me a lot on the phone and talk down to me over the smallest things that could've been sorted so easily and then hang up all the time which nearly drove me to madness. It was strange how nice he could be at times and then totally change with uncontrollable anger. He didn't care what came out of his mouth at me. He would turn his phone off as soon as he didn't want to talk about something, which was difficult to handle considering we live in different countries. Nothing was ever sorted without me desperately trying to get through. I began to feel scared of saying anything to him because I felt he'd go off the wall and hang up. The scary thing is I feel this might have affected me and made me lose my confidence.

This paragraph alone is enough to convince me that you should stay split up. You should be asking yourself why didn't you dump him yourself? You deserve far more than this. He doesn't sound like much of a catch to be honest. Nasty temper, foul mouth, manipulative, emotionally abusive. You can do far better than this.

The kindest thing you can do for yourself today is to block his email and vow never to contact him again. Don't entertain talk of going back to being friends again. That's only going to prolong the agony for you. It might also be worth chatting to a friend or to a counsellor because you've been through more than just a dumping. You've been put through the mill and suffered what could be the beginnings of an emotionally abusive relationship.

Shrap

Distressed101 wrote: »

He is so desperate to get back with me now (Desperate to get you back under control)

He says he will not do it again and is willing to do anything to prove this even just be friends until I'm ready because he loves me (He'll say anything to manipulate you, won't he? He just needs an "in", and this so-called friendship pitch is a ploy)

He wants to have the relationship back but I told him I cant do that (Do you always do what he wants? Tell him to feck off, and you WON'T do that, not that you can't)

He says he wont give up trying to win my trust back and will do whatever it takes (How freaky is that? Very freaky)

I just don't feel like he is a stable person (Got that right OP)

....persuaded me back into it and ended up doing the exact same thing again, even in the same manner (Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me)

I know he'll get angry if he doesn't want to discuss anything (So what the hell are you doing pining over him?)

It's hard for me to stay strong because before a relationship we were good friends without problems (Which is why he thinks you'll cave in over this. He's managed to control you before. It's up to you to find some methods to become stronger and not fall for this crap. "Good friends" until he got you into a "relationship" and controlled you. Now you're thinking it might be possible to be friends again? Oh please OP, be sensible)

This guy is a freaky manipulator and you're well rid. Keep your distance OP, and don't give him an inch. Preferably, block his email too now and don't speak to him again.

I won't be able to find your previous thread to check this OP, but I remember it and I'm nearly sure people warned you that he would try everything to get you back, as it's a power trip for him. Can you see from your words above, how much of a power trip it still is? You're wavering, so he's nearly got you under his thumb again, voluntarily giving up your peace of mind and your self respect to an angry, impulsive and manipulative man. Does that sound like a good plan to you? Really?

HelgaWard

I think you would be letting yourself down a bagful if you gave this guy a 3rd chance. You were annoyed at yourself the last time that you had given him an 2nd chance and he did it to you again. Have some respect for yourself, and cut contact with this guy. He's not your friend, he doesn't love you or respect you and that has not changed. You need to love yourself and have some self respect. If you get back with him it is going to end in tears.....again. Save yourself the heart ache.

pookie82

Distressed101 wrote: »

He told me he did it because he was an idiot who acted out of anger...

What was he angry about? HE broke up with YOU. His "anger" makes no sense, unless he's very emotionally unstable, in which case, run.

The post about him thinking the grass was greener and realising quickly that it wasn't hits the nail on the head. You wouldn't believe how many of my friends have had this happen in long term, stable relationships.

Guy panics, breaks it off, goes nuts on Tinder for a few months. Realises he can't in fact sleep with a new girl each week in reality, and comes crawling.

Unfortunately the girl is usually so heartbroken she takes him back, but the dynamics of the relationship have completely changed. She lives in fear of him doing it again at a moment's notice and he knows that he can, and then come back whenever he wants.

Block him. I don't even know why you're replying to his emails to be honest.

LegacyUser

pookie82 wrote: »

What was he angry about? HE broke up with YOU. His "anger" makes no sense, unless he's very emotionally unstable, in which case, run.

The post about him thinking the grass was greener and realising quickly that it wasn't hits the nail on the head. You wouldn't believe how many of my friends have had this happen in long term, stable relationships.

Guy panics, breaks it off, goes nuts on Tinder for a few months. Realises he can't in fact sleep with a new girl each week in reality, and comes crawling.

Unfortunately the girl is usually so heartbroken she takes him back, but the dynamics of the relationship have completely changed. She lives in fear of him doing it again at a moment's notice and he knows that he can, and then come back whenever he wants.

Block him. I don't even know why you're replying to his emails to be honest.

He was angry about me asking what the people were like while he was away and what was happening in general, it led to an argument because he thought I was assuming things which I wasn't.. he said I'm too paranoid hung up then text me saying can't have a paranoid girlfriend in his life and that it's over. I got upset because he was not telling me anything and holding back on stuff. Recently he told me how he went overboard about it and shouldn't have took it that way. He would do this a lot before the breakup happened... Like two days before he went away we were arguing and I just came out and asked do you even love me and he replied I don't know anymore. I probably should've left him then.

I agree I feel he thought the grass might be greener until he realised the girls away with him weren't interested at all. I remember after he contacted me recently going back to see his activity on other girls pages to email it to him and he deleted everything... I know these days everyone's mad on tinder but myself I never would use it, and he is the same. We never met on tinder. But I guess a lot of me is angry at myself because at the very beginning of our relationship I was at work last year and got a text off him calling me another girls name with a message meant for her.... I found out he was texting someone else but he refused to admit it was more than a friendship yet the message had kisses and seemed the same as how he was talking to me.

I've said to him if we ever got back together I would just be in fear and walking on eggshells about mentioning anything, he said not to be like that but I feel like he's just saying things to make me happy but not meaning them. I just don't trust him at all but he doesn't understand this.. I haven't broken up with someone before and I'm scared to do it with him because I don't know how he'll react. He's mentioned coming over but I told him straight out no.

Knasher

OP it clearly sounds like you know you don't want to get back together, and clearly that is what he wants to be friends with you for. So if you're asking if you can be just friends in that situation, and even with everything being equal, the answer is no.

If you try and be friends, it is unavoidable that he will interpret that as a chance of something more happening down the line, he straight up told you that's what his goal is. Even if you say no, how do you thing he will react when you start moving on?

LegacyUser

Oh please, please, please OP do not get back with him. I don't even know you and it's actually upsetting me the thought of you being manipulated back after his actions. Why do I care? Because I've been through it. All of it. Nobody but someone who's been through it can understand the devastation and the mental torture someone like this guy can inflict on their partner. The cruel way they can just switch off the phone over a trivial thing, and ignore you for long periods of time when all it would take is talking like an adult should. The volatile temper, the cutting words and put downs when in his 'rages'. The smallest thing would trigger him right? Maybe a small bit of insecurity on your side? A simple question from you because you've been made feel so worthless to him because of the way he treats you, a small little request for some reassurance that any normal loving person would use as a chance to show you how much they care and banish any insecurity or worry you may have. No he would turn it completely around on you right? Punish you for ever having a grain of doubt about him and his complete amazingness? How could you ever doubt what a wonderful boyfriend he is? He can treat you like absolute sh*te but how dare you call him out on it, if you do boy you're going to suffer for that.
I've been there. And yes you will make all the excuses in your head for his behaviour. Well he was nice ehh.. One day about a year ago, and one other time he was really nice.. But really what it is, is you're afraid of being on your own again. Let me tell you being on your own is an absolute GIFT after someone like this. You're free. Don't think about being on your own. Don't even let thoughts of meeting someone else come into your head. Deal with the most important thing right here right now and that is making sure you do not fall for any of this crap ever again. I know you're blaming yourself, thinking well if I just don't trigger him again this won't happen. NO, it will, it doesn't matter what it is. It will happen again. Because it's within him and he won't change, he does not care about you, he cares about himself. He's a narcissist. Believe me I've been through it.

orthsquel

A regretful apology is like a confession and a means to wipe the slate clean. It's also a way of brushing under the carpet what really happened without dealing with it... But his exercise in the apology is more about absolving himself of guilt (and other negative emotions, as well as how he feels about himself i.e. making himself feel better rather than making you feel better) rather than actually apologising to you for how he has behaved towards you and treated you.

OP this guy is awfully scary. He comes across to me as someone who is quite abusive and manipulative...and emotionally abusive too... someone who never actually says sorry in a meaningful way but will buy your affection with compliments and over-generous gifts instead.

He's full of issues and I don't think for your own well being you should associate yourself whatsoever with him.

He needs to understand that how you have been treated by him in totality is unacceptable.

Associating with someone who is unpredictable in their behaviour in general, and unpredictable in their reactions to anything is a trap. And once you're trapped, you're trapped walking on eggshells...and in fear.

I do not think it would be a good idea to be friends with him. Even if you fell you ought to do it just out of pity or whatever, I think it would be better for you to get this guy out of your life completely. He sounds very volatile and unstable and insincere.

You've said it yourself that

but I know he doesn't offer me anything that makes me feel secure

You should believe that.... all he is offering you is complete insecurity. Sure you might have had some exciting times and he might have been nice... but if the end result is that you're walking on eggshells, being kept in the dark, being repeatedly hung up on, ignored, discarded and left with your head in bits feeling totally insecure in yourself and dealing with extreme unpredictability of behaviour with no explanation it's not really worth anything at all, like no amount of niceness or excitement can outweigh the negative behaviours from him. I'd rather be single for the rest of my life than go back to a relationship that is this toxic just so I don't feel lonely. And I don't think you should settle for a toxic relationship or toxic friendship with this person just so you don't feel lonely, aren't alone or to pander to his demands or needs or wants.

PressRun

I'd just cut off the channels of communication. Stop responding to his messages, stop giving him opportunities to weasel his way back in with all this "let's be friends" stuff. He's not your friend and he's not trustworthy. For your own self-esteem, you need to block him out. He's a very manipulative person, from the sounds of things.

Shrap

orthsquel wrote: »

OP this guy is awfully scary.

Totally agree with this, and with the rest of your post, except this part below....

He needs to understand that how you have been treated by him in totality is unacceptable.

HE does not need to understand this, SHE does. HE can go jump in a lake.

He should be blanked out entirely and does not deserve an explanation. She should understand that no explanations to him, or getting him to "understand" are necessary - that's only inviting him back in to manipulate her. The only thing absolutely 100% needed right now is not letting him back in to her life, and that means NOT talking to him. At all!

pookie82

Distressed101 wrote: »

I've said to him if we ever got back together I would just be in fear and walking on eggshells about mentioning anything, he said not to be like that but I feel like he's just saying things to make me happy but not meaning them. I just don't trust him at all but he doesn't understand this.. I haven't broken up with someone before and I'm scared to do it with him because I don't know how he'll react. He's mentioned coming over but I told him straight out no.

Listen to your gut on the first point there. I suspect it's 100% correct.

Re the second sentence I've highlighted in bold ... you're not breaking up with him unless you're back together. Which I can't see that you are? You're just talking, no?

If you're scared to break up with someone fearing a reaction it's hardly a healthy relationship, is it? How badly can he really react? He's in a different country so it's not like he'll sit in your driveway.

Just stop engaging, block, delete, move on. Technology will allow this - it just depends now on if your resolve will too.

LegacyUser

He got angry over you asking what the people were like and what he was doing in general???? His over the top reaction is what is commonly called, deflection. You asked perfectly innocent questions. The same questions his mother probably asked him!! But, he was doing something that he didn't want his girlfriend knowing about. Reading your posts the first thing that I thought was he cheated on you and then had to turn it around on you and dump you.

He was judging you by his own standards. He was cheating on you. He was being dishonest, so he assumed that you were being dishonest and sneaky trying to catch him out, and check up on him. The reality is, you don't think like that. Him cheating on you didn't cross your mind (and I'd bet you still don't believe he cheated on you?) And you genuinely asked a genuinely innocent question.

You're better off out of it. You know now you are in a cycle, and you've even told him nothing has changed. So if nothing changed then you are just going to go through exactly the same thing again. The only reason he wants you back is for his ego. He's all about you now telling you how much he values you and wants to prove how much you mean to him.... I can guarantee if/when you refuse to get back with him you will see exactly what you mean to him when he turns nasty again because you won't do what he wants. Block his email address TODAY. You will soon start hearing what a bitch you are, and how he was right to dump you, he can do so much better, you were always wrecking his head etc etc etc!

The best thing you can do for yourself is ignore all further attempts to engage you in any sort of conversation. It'll give you back some power and dignity, and you'll have the added bonus of it driving him cracked

LegacyUser

pookie82 wrote: »

Listen to your gut on the first point there. I suspect it's 100% correct.

Re the second sentence I've highlighted in bold ... you're not breaking up with him unless you're back together. Which I can't see that you are? You're just talking, no?

If you're scared to break up with someone fearing a reaction it's hardly a healthy relationship, is it? How badly can he really react? He's in a different country so it's not like he'll sit in your driveway.

Just stop engaging, block, delete, move on. Technology will allow this - it just depends now on if your resolve will too.

Sorry I used the wrong words to say that, no we aren't together I've even told him I went on a date recently but I wasn't interested in the end, I kinda meant telling him I'm never talking to him again or cutting contact. I know my feelings are there for him which is why it's easy for him to try and get back in with me. I have told him I do not want to be with him. He said he is willing to just be my friend anyway and would like to talk to me.

I think I'm scared because he seems all over the place. I know I'm being too soft, I'm wondering should I see a therapist??

I feel my dignity is being compromised the fact I listened to him in the first place. I feel there's something wrong with me that I can't tell him to basically f*ck off....he's still saying the same things of how wrong he was and that he won't do this again. A poster above mentioned the "what if he has changed?" Side which does play my mind .. But another part is saying I can never let him do this again.

HelgaWard

I think you should definitely go an talk to someone. It sounds like this lad has a powerful hold over you, and its not healthy or normal. Professional help could be well worth it.

Shrap

Distressed101 wrote: »

He said he is willing to just be my friend anyway and would like to talk to me.

I think I'm scared because he seems all over the place. I know I'm being too soft, I'm wondering should I see a therapist??

YES. Jesus, yes, see a therapist because you're in danger of believing this guy. In fact, print out this thread and bring it along. It will help.

A poster above mentioned the "what if he has changed?" Side which does play my mind .. But another part is saying I can never let him do this again.

I believe you are ignoring everyone's posts, except the ones that tell you what you want to hear. The overwhelming majority of people are saying "never let him do this again", but the only post you talk about is the one that agrees with you thinking "what if he's changed?". That tells me that you don't want advice at all OP.

I'm unfollowing this thread as I've no wish to watch someone dither their way back into a controlling and abusive relationship. Good luck OP.

Makapakka

For your own sake, move on. If you got back together, you will always be thinking "what if" and he could see you as someone who will take him back no matter what. Respect yourself and tell him that there's no way you will be in a relationship again with him. If you want to be friends, though I know from experience it doesn't work, give yourself some time. You deserve so much better than this guy who treated you like that!

Day Lewin

He is a messer. His actions prove it. And No, people don't change.
Drop him NOW or take the consequences.
I'm serious, I've seen this pattern too often. Someone has to be strong enough to just put a stop to it, and it has to be you: since this fine laddo wants to eat his cake and still have it, over and over.
In short, he's not worth it. Call it off.
Much better fish in the sea, take my word for it!

Ursus Horribilis

I think seeing a therapist would be a very good idea. Your updates are a little bit like watching a car crash in slow motion. You know this guy made you feel awful, made you feel insecure, treated you very badly quite often and dumped you twice. Yet still, the line between staying single and getting back with him is very fine. You do know you should not be engaging with him at all, don't you? You should have deleted that very first email that slipped through the net and nipped this in the bud. He knows, and we know, that if he keeps knocking at the door, that you'll take him back.

So in short, what you should do tonight is
1. Block his email address and any other ways he could contact you
2. Start looking up therapists in your area or put a reminder in your diary to contact your GP on the morning and get a referral from there
3. Maybe chat to someone close to you and let them know what has been happening.

LegacyUser

I know what everyone is saying I know it within myself. I know I can never be with him again, people can change maybe the second time but three times will not happen in my life. For the responses I've got here and talking to people I know, they are the same responses. They said I will be a joke if I got back with him and will stop listening to me complain about him if I did and won't be there to pick up the pieces. But it's the letting go. I know I have to do it.

I really need to thank that unregistered post on the 2nd page.... I've read it over and over and it's exactly what I've gone through and know in my heart it's all I will ever get from him. I can feel the pain in your post and the honesty of it all. It's exactly this situation.

I have been reading each post on this a lot making it sink in that people who don't even know me are more honest to me than hes ever been. I really can't thank you all enough for the support, hard honest truths and advice to see a therapist... I'm glad I got some advice on that because no one else I know has suggested it. They were more thinking he should see a therapist for his own problems.

beks101

OP this fella has more red flags than the Chinese army.

Right now you're giving too much power to your feelings and not enough to the other side of your brain - the logical part that is trying to protect you. Right now you need to be acting practically and protectively, not tying yourself up in knots because you're struggling to reign in your emotions.

Do the right thing. You know what that is. Every poster on this thread knows what that is. And the more time you spend trying to evade it, trying to justify doing the wrong thing, the less chance you have at a happy life.

Anxiety, fear, worry, distrust, paranoia, disappointment, hurt, isolation, frustration....every single one of your posts displays literally every negative human emotion at the hands of this man. And I didn't even read your first thread, but I'm sure it was the same. The next one will be too if you don't change your behaviour towards him.

Life's too short. Be strong and rip the plaster off. Mark all his emails as SPAM, don't reply even one more time despite the bombardment I'm sure he'll continue with and move on with your life.