Feels like three people in relationship

LegacyUser

Will try to keep it short. My OH had a PA up to last year who is now a client of his so is still round his work a lot. She is young, almost half his age. She was pleasant to me when we met but became hostile as soon as we started officially going out. Eventually this got very bad (ignoring me, not speaking to me but fine with everyone else) that he pulled her up on it. Since then she has been more pleasant and I try really hard to make conversation and be nice to her. I never retaliated to any of the behaviour at the time either.

The problem is she leans on him emotionally constantly. To talk to her you would think she was his partner not me - there are constant stories and anecdotes about the past when they worked together and she insists on still doing things for him as if she is still in her old role. She uses a lot of his assets as in her words- they share things. She rings and texts him daily about everything- its every day on he phone ringing and if he doesn't answer then texting. If there are work events coming up she invites herself and plans it so they are at the same ones and travelling to the same ones together. She invites him for a drink quite often (just him, I am not invited). he is non confrontational and lets her do things for him and to do all this and never pushes back so it just feels like he is encouraging it to be honest.

We had a big chat the other day as he and I were planning our future together and the next steps in our relationship. I brought up the above and explained its hard to feel like I am in a relationship with two people or competing with her. He reassured me but I am concerned it won't change. I do trust him. Its not that I think he is romantically into her at all but I suspect she has a fixation on him. His family and other friends have brought it up in the past as well as they find it odd. We do some work on some projects together (I work for a different company but in same field so I give him a hand with some of his work) and he is the opposite to secretive with his phone - has no problem leaving it lying about etc. I don't go snooping but when I am using his phone for work there is always texts popping up from her - one the other day was asking him for a drink again for example. he hasn't mentioned it though so I am now worried that when I am away - with work, staying in friends etc that he is meeting up with her. God knows what she rings and texts him about the rest of the time. so my heads a bit all over the place to be honest. I feel like if he honestly didn't think it was odd, why hide it? If I had a young lad contacting me all the time and asking me out for a drink I don't think he would feel the same about it!

I was cheated on in a previous relationship so I do appreciate that I have trust issues. I love my OH and want to continue to progress our relationship but I am struggling with this and I hate the feeling that this person is constantly trying to get him to spend time with them and not me. I hate even more to think that he hides the extent of it. On the flip side I would hate to ever behave in a way hat would jeaopardise our relationship so I need to know if I am wrong for being concerned. I am scared to go further in the relationship if I am at risk of ending up miserable over this or for looking like a fool. I wanted to post here to get some impartial advice please. I am a regular posted but wanted to go unreg for this.

CaraMay

Hmmmm it doesn't sound like you have trust issues, in fact, your response is very measured. She's a bit of a muppet but it's up to him to keep her in her place and he isnt doing that. I'm torn. It's very possible he had no interest in her so he doesn't feel he needs to tell her to cop on and maybe, if he knew that you weren't pleased about the extent of the contact, he would sort it out. What do others think about his reaction?

batmanrobin

He needs to tell her to cool it. She obviously has designs on him - a blind man could see that. So it's for him to say her behaviour is not appropriate. Other people in his life have commented on it, so it's obviously something he's very aware of. It could be he enjoys the ego boost, but he should be letting her know exactly where she stands, which is no where!

PressRun

If you and other people have commented on it, he should really be taking that as a cue to straighten this out and let her know where she stands. At the moment, he's enabling her and even encouraging her by doing nothing. He can't claim to be oblivious when other people have noticed and commented on it. That should be a kick in the arse for him to knock any notions she might have on the head.

Shrap

To be honest, I think it makes him look like a bit of an old fool, to allow some young wan hang off him like that. She looks worse, but his acceptance of her behaviour makes him look like a bit of an eejit (which, if people have commented on her obsession before, won't be the first time that's been said about him) with an eye for the young ladies.

That horrible phrase "lie down with dogs, get up with fleas" springs to mind, and I think if he's sooo blasé about her bunny-boiler attentiveness that he genuinely can't see the way he's coming across because of it, then somebody should tell him. Maybe not you OP, or maybe exactly you.....that part, I don't know.

LegacyUser

Thank you so much everyone for the advice, it was overwhelmingly reassuring to realise I am not some horrible jealous or possessive cow. I bit the bullet and spoke with him about it - I had to as he was late for something and it turned out it was due to her grabbing him at work when he was leaving the office for attention and trying to make demands on his time and plan what he was doing for him again. She wanted to insist he went to several away days with her and tie him down to it. I was upset and explained I cant cope with someone constantly being in his business and making plans for him as we cannot make our own plans then and also how its not his job to constantly be an emotional crutch for someone. He is a terribly nice person and honestly doesn't see how its inappropriate or how he is enabling it which is hard.

He offered to have a big conversation and set her straight but I have said there doesn't need to be a row (I really don't want or need her as an enemy) but that its more about setting boundaries and keeping to them when she keeps pushing against them and that she needs to go and plan and live her own life independently instead of obsessing over what he is doing and when. I told him I am not asking him to not be friends and to not see her and I am not saying don't go places with her (I'd never do that, his friends are his friends that's fine and if he himself is going somewhere of his own accord and it suits to go with her fine) but that she needs to be out of his personal life where as at the moment she is in every detail every day. I told him I cant keep feeling like I am in a competition with someone else for his time or attention. I did honestly try and be friends with her myself but while we get on better she has no interest in friendship and just in my partner.

So I guess for the time being its a case of see how that goes but if she keeps it up a bigger conversation will be needed and she might need very clear lines drawn. I didn't want to mention this in my first post as I didn't want to sway people but To give some context I wouldn't be the first person to have issues with her in her personal or work life, I wouldn't be the first partner of his she seemed to have issues with either so its a pattern of behaviour. Her personality rubs people up the wrong way and results in few friends which I am sure contributes to her clinging to someone she thinks is her best friend / confidant / emotional comfort blanket.

pookie82

These kinds of situations crop up a lot on these boards and I've been in them myself.

I really feel for you, OP, because every option you have entails problems.

Ignore it - hard to do when his phone is pinging in your presence every hour or so, and hard not to wonder if they're meeting/chatting more than you're aware.
Tell him to cool it - risk being accused of being possessive
Tell HER to cool it - not advisable, she'll run to him claiming you're the big bad wolf, AND she'd probably delight in the hassle she's causing you guys

All you can reasonably do is sit him down and tell him you find it unacceptable (in a more forthright way than you possibly have already?) and could he please consider you in his dealings with her. Point out that others have commented and noticed and it's humiliating you. Does he admit that she may have an interest in him in more than a platonic way? If so, he should acknowledge it's not fair to anyone to lead her on.

If not, then you have bigger problems. You'll get sucked into the whole "she's after you"/"nah babe we're just friends" debate, which some people love falling back on even if they're secretly aware there's more going on. Easier to play dumb and pretend it's just friendship so they don't have to take any action.

Ultimately, though, it's unfortunately down to him to lessen contact. It's unfortunate that some people, even if they have no intention at all of cheating, do encourage and enjoy this type of attention. But if he's getting enough out of your relationship he shouldn't need her validation, and if he thinks she's in ANY way risking you walking, he should absolutely draw a few boundaries with her.

It would be a deal breaker for me, tbh. If I didn't see some move on his part to resolve the level of contact and general reliance on each other I would find it hard to envisage a future with him.

Shrap

He is a terribly nice person and honestly doesn't see how its inappropriate or how he is enabling it which is hard.

I believe it, and from your update I think you're not only doing a great job of being very cool about it all, your levelheadedness is also helping him out in exactly the way he clearly needs in a partner. I imagine he thinks so too. Well done for not losing the head and well done to him for taking it all on board. How exactly he's going to manage to create enough distance from her is another story as she seems like a bit of a liability, and your partner sounds soft as butter (but in a good way). Team up, and take him through the awkwardness of having to push her away a good bit. Best of luck!

CaraMay

I assume he's materially comfortable so she probably sees him as her rupert Murdoch and is just waiting for him to be single. Just keep doing what you are doing op and let her off. She's wasting her time.

pookie82

OP if it's really as bad as you indicate in your most recent update surely HE will actually get tired of this himself, with or without your input? I don't see how this is sustainable, it must be like having two girlfriends!

PS you are right to let him try to get her to back off without a row or without letting on your discontent has anything to do with this. I suspect she'd get a thrill out of p*ssing you off, hopefully he can somehow draw a few lines in the sand without you ever coming into it.

LegacyUser

Op here again. Thanks everyone for the help and advice last time. Things for a while seemed to get better. I made an effort to get to know her and to get on with her and she did the same and things were quite pleasant. She had backed off the clinginess to my OH as much as well which was a relief. I put this down to me having moved in recently.
Cue recently she is back at it again. She engineered having to do some work for him as the other employee 'didn't want to do it' - she had put the other employee off it to be honest as she wants an excuse to be calling / meeting up with him every day.
I was away with work down the country last wed night. he was on phone to me on wed eve and was to ring me later on that eve but rang me to say he had to go to a meeting with his family so wouldn't be around for a while. Ok grand. Then text me about two hours later how he was still there and bored etc and then no word at all. I didn't hear at all from him til late afternoon the following day (which would be unusual) and didn't see him until I got home that night. Got home and it was all a bit odd - house spotless, everything cleared away, him freshly washed etc something just didn't add up. She was around nearly all day on the Thursday and they were obviously best mates again all of a sudden then and since then.

I know I will get lynched on here for this but I checked his phone yesterday. I was cheated on in my last relationship so I am not prepared to waste more years of my life on someone else if they cant be trusted and are making a fool of me. I checked it because I can't risk spending more time with someone I cant trust and I am not prepared to be lied to again for years.

I was right. Literally a few mins before he rang me to say he had to go somewhere there was a message from her just finishing X at the office will be ready to go in five mins. The next day that evening (just before he contacted me) he text her saying he was wrecked and going to bed and she said she was too and heading home this was a few hours before I got home that eve so he must have gone to bed then got up and showered etc to look fresh when I got home. So I am figuring they went out the wed night and he was in a heap the next day and went to bed after work for a while before I got home. I know I was lied to and I am livid. I was away one day and he went off with the one person he knows I cant stand clinging to him. Have no idea did they just go out or has she stayed here (she must have she doesn't live near here) and is he cheating on me. I feel like such a fool listening to him going on about how much he loved me when he was bare faced lying and heading out with someone else. I doubt the family event existed at all. he is a borderline alcoholic and regularly would lie about his drinking, I already am aware of this. He hides how much he drinks, if he has been drinking, where he has been etc. Its not a huge surprise if he went on a bender when I was away to be honest as the night before I left he stayed up half the night drinking already. I am so angry that he accused me of having trust issues when he is the one who lies to me!!

So I am a bit stuck as to what to do. I can barely look at either of them. he knows I am angry or upset about something but I have glossed over it and said its about something else. To be honest the more he talks about being concerned about / worried about / in love with me the more respect I lose for him and the more angry I get inside. I don't have any concrete proof though and cant say anything to him as I cant admit how I know what I know. I am tempted to play dumb, act happy and give him enough rope to hang himself and see what happens next, God he must think I am pure stupid? At least If I had definite proof I could just call him out and walk away without regret.

I am sure most people reading this will think I am a fool or an idiot, oh don't worry, I know I am. I cant believe that after being lied to and cheated on before I was stupid enough to believe someone again. I clearly have something flawed about me that men feel the need to treat me like this. A man who bangs on about all our long term plans and wanting to be with me forever. I am struggling at the moment because after dealing with years of being treated badly I am finding it hard not to retaliate - I guess just for once in my life I would like to emotionally hurt someone more than they have done it to me - I am sick of always being the one in tears. On the flip side part of tells myself just get on with it and pretend its not happening because I cant handle another failed relationship and another bout of being heart broken on my own and from what I have experienced everyone just seems to lie so why not him instead of someone else. neither is a good thing for me to be thinking, I know but I guess if I know its wrong I am somehow not totally gone down the wrong path yet. Even just writing it all down has helped me feel a bit better. I have no one to talk to at all - my mum, who never approved of this in the first place will just tell me I am a fool again and my friends, well they all think I have landed on my feet this time and that I am happy at last so I am mortified to have to admit that no, yet again I am not happy, yet again I am with someone who lies to me.