He told me its none of my business if he talks to other women , Did I have the right

aisling.255

I've been seeing this guy for about 3 weeks and all I texted him was I the only one he was seeing. I didn't mean it as anything bad or I wasn't being pushy, I just saw he follows random girls on insta so I thought maybe I wasn't the only one. Even if he said he was seeing someone else it wouldn't have really been an issue because we haven't discussed what we are. So he sent me a big message saying in this time it's none of my business who he follows or what girls he speaks too at this time.

I am really hurt by his message because I honestly wasn't being pushy I just wanted to ask. We've started sleeping together so I thought it was moving towards something, I said sorry and he told me not to worry about. But tbh now I feel like crap and no one has ever been that mean to me I suppose. And in didn't mean it the way he thinks I did I suppose I didn't think.

Did I have a right to ask him or should I have kept my mouth shut? We were getting on so well and now I feel like it's ruined.

CaraMay

You are entitled to ask but he's entitled not to tell. Chances are he is seeing and sleeping with other girls. 3 weeks is very early to be deciding whether or not you are in a relationship and also to be sleeping together. I guess in future, if you want to be exclusive with someone you are sleeping with then hold off and have the chat before you sleep with them.

Calypso Realm

I think his response was extremely rude-and would be a red flag IMO. If he's showing this side of himself this early on, believe him. If it were me, he'd be history.

Actually, it's far better to have this type of conversations face to face, ideally before you sleep with someone: particularly if you want exclusivity so you can set out some ground rules.

Pawwed Rig

CaraMay wrote: »

Chances are he is seeing and sleeping with other girls.

Can't see how you jumped to this conclusion based on the OP??

OP, Without knowing what was said and the context it is impossible to give you any decent advice.
That said, in general talking is always better than texting.

DB01

Bottom line for me, I couldn't be with someone who reacted that way to me. Move on before you invest any more in him but next time chat face to face about important stuff.

We really don't know what the op said. They could have come across as very pushy. We don't know how he phrased his message - they said it was a long one and we're only getting a tiny fraction of it, so it's a bit unfair to him too in saying that he reacted badly, because we don't really know for sure. Having said that -- 3 weeks is awful early for this stuff, OP, especially on the basis that he's following women on Instagram.

ASoberThought

It really isn't any of your business until you are exclusive with him.

I would not like to be asked that question so early either.

Ave Sodalis

ASoberThought wrote: »

It really isn't any of your business until you are exclusive with him.

To be honest, if this text came from the fact that he's following females on Instagram, I would argue that it's not of her business then either.

Mr. Incognito

If I started seeing someone and after three weeks they started questioning who I was following on Instagram I would probably be relplying along the same lines as What? What business is it of yours?

The sleeping together thing is an entirely seperate chat.

I think you need to question

1. Why this bothers you? Are you generally insecure or do you think he is using Insta to hook up with people? Is that how you met?

2. If you approached it in a pushy way or in a accusatory tone.

3. Whether his reaction was justified.

4. Whether you need to have a chat and see where it is going.

Just because you are sleeping together doesnt give you a right to censor his soical media accounts. After three weeks? That's weird

woodchuck

This type of conversation should not take place by text!

OP without seeing the text you sent and his reply, it's hard to given any sort of opinion. Even if we did see the texts, maybe you came off differently than you intended. Tone etc is so hard to tell from a text, so this is why these sorts of conversations need to take place face-to-face. But I wouldn't even mention the instagram thing to be honest, it comes off as a bit controlling that you're monitoring who he's interacting with. If you want to be exclusive, have a mature conversation about it, without bringing up who he is/isn't chatting to elsewhere.

syklops

So he sent me a big message saying in this time it's none of my business who he follows or what girls he speaks too at this time.

So you mentioned instagram in your text? That wasn't the smartest move. If I got a text like that from someone Id been seeing for 3 weeks I'd feel like they were stalking me via Instagram.

Even if he said he was seeing someone else it wouldn't have really been an issue because we haven't discussed what we are.

If the answer didn't matter, then why did you ask?

silverbolt

You say hes following random (to you) women on instagram? What are these womens pages about? Maybe they post stuff he is interested in. Maybe they are his friends. Maybe hes looking for ideas for something.

OP I came from an emotionally abusive relationship where one of the major things was that the girl in question was extremely stalkery who didnt like me talking to ANY women, she blew up if i so much as liked a pic on FB, it got to the point where i was genuinely afraid to speak to my female friends (some of whom Ive known for over a decade) outside of necessity. His response to what you said (and you havent explained how you said it either) could be a retaliation to what he saw as being very controlling. He could be seeing that as a red flag.

However from your point of view I can understand why you would ask to a certain degree. And i certainly wouldnt so quick to chalk it down to Calypso "red flag" or Caramays "sleeping with other women" (but both are viable in thier own way)

As Woodchuck said tone is very difficult to convey in text.

OP, it can be hard to see the wood for the trees when you begin dating and feel the excitement that goes with it. The early stages are kind of like a little dance. Both of you are getting to know the other, you make tentative steps towards, maybe one or both will take a step back. It's tricky. You don't want to appear needy and certainly not controlling yet of course you want to know where you stand.

Neither of you had a conversation around exclusivity. I have no idea how his response came across. Maybe it was over the top, maybe it was very defensive because he is indeed dating other women. It can make you feel a bit weird to think of the man you are dating with other women but at three weeks, unless you spoke about it, you have no right to question his private life.

Get some perspective here OP.

Augme

Calypso Realm wrote: »

I think his response was extremely rude-and would be a red flag IMO. If he's showing this side of himself this early on, believe him. If it were me, he'd be history.
.

Funnily enough I think asking someone after only knowing each other for 3 weeks why they are following a certain person on instagram is a big red flag. Sounds like serious bunny boiler potential.

Wesser

Hi Aisling

I'mJust observing your tone in the way you write things. You said ......do I have the right.

Young people are obsessed with their rights and any time anyone goes against them they always call on their rights. For example they say things like .... Do I not have the right to a few pints?!!!!

Rights are things like....... The right to an education or the right to healthcare....

Rights are not things like..... How others should treat us when we only them for three weeks.

A very common theme I see on these threads is ......young people trying to get to grips with relationships.... And how to manoeuvre and negotiate in a relationship, which is a complicated skill that has to be learnt with years of experience,......... But also trying to cope with the layers of complexity associated with Facebook Instagram snap chat etc etc etc. try to keep your relationships face to face if at all possible as it makes life easier and more enjoyable.

Best of luck.

laserlad2010

OP, let me give you an anecdote which might give you some clarity on your situation.

I dated a girl before the summer for a few weeks. We had sex 3 or 4 times, and I went on holidays with my friends. I met with her the evening before I left, we went for a walk and had a nice chat.

At this point we were dating for about 4 weeks and absolutely no label had been put on the relationship. I was still on Tinder, as was she.

I uploaded a picture on FB of myself and a pal on the plane. It was liked by another girl, whom I had gone on two dates with and who texted me from time to time with little response. She put a winking face as a comment.

I then got a text from the girl I was seeing asking who she was. I told her the situation, said there was nothing to worry about. She then texted me again saying she didn't really buy it and what was the story.

This was a serious red flag for me. My response informed her that I didn't appreciate being called a liar, and that I thought it was a good idea that we not see each other again.

My point is that guys have a list of red flags, and some of them concern crazy behavious/clinginess/intensity, call it what you will.

Unfortunately, you may have triggered a red flag with this guy. Particularly with the Instagram connection.

Why not act like nothing happened and see what he says?

astonaidan

TBH he didnt really say anything bad, and ye are over reacting, id say something similar to a girl if she was asking me this after 3 weeks, who cares who he follows on instagram, if you checking up this early in relationship maybe you should have a look at your actions rather than his

Turtle_

OP... I've been seeing a guy for nearly 3 weeks now... It's such incredibly early days yet!

It really sounds like both of you were in the wrong here. I think the vast majority (if not all) of us can feel a bit jealous, purely out of self protection. You don't want to put your feelings on the line if you don't think they're reciprocated... Nobody wants to be hurt. And uncertainty at the start of seeing someone can be really uncomfortable too, so I think it's natural to want clarification. The difference is that most of us try to keep that streak in check and are probably a bit more aware of how questions can come across when we're looking for reassurance or clarification. Mentioning instagram was a mistake, one that you'll hopefully learn from.

However, I think his reaction sounds a bit harsh. A bit long message? At first reading it sounds like he's just as dramatic as you... There's something about that kind of reaction that would ring alarm bells for me. If a guy started taking issue with my male friends, though, I'd be seriously reconsidering whether I want to be around them. I've been with the jealous type before and it's really not pretty. However, I wouldn't react with an essay on privacy and rights...

One question I think you need to be asking yourself is, do you want to be with him? He's lifted the lid a little on how he reacts - are you happy with that? If you are, then the two of you need to sit down and talk and absolutely do NOT do it by text. You need to apologise, then explain that you were just feeling a little insecure and just wanted to know where you stood. You're fine about the instagram stuff and have no problem with him following and being friends with women, you were using it as a segue (a bad one) to having the conversation about what you guys "are". Then ask him how does he actually see you guys. It's not ideal to need to be having this kind of conversation so soon, but you've already forced the issue and ignoring it now isn't going to do you much good.

But more importantly you need to ask yourself, if he said he was just playing it loose, didn't see you guys as being in a relationship and still wanted to see others... What's your response? You might think you can deal with that, but that takes a serious level of self confidence and I guess you can't even like the person that much to be happy with that kind of arrangement, otherwise it would just hurt too much.

And to clarify, you don't have a "right" to know about his instagram activity. You do have a "right" to ask about where you guys stand - in a calm and reasonable fashion. He doesn't have to tell you what he thinks, but a decent person will at least tell you where they're at. If he won't have the conversation at all, when asked in a more rational way, then I think you should know where you stand.