Dumped after ten years

LegacyUser

My boyfriend dumped me out of the blue just before christmas and i cant cope. We had planned to spend the rest of our lives together and were finally getting to a position where we could get our own house and live together. He promised me everything and now has just taken it all back, saying he only said those things because he felt he had to after such a long time together.

We live apart and only saw each other at the weekends. The weekend before he did this, he told me he was the luckiest man alive to have me and spoke of how we would still be how were in thirty years. Now he tells me not to read into those things and how there is no logic to this breakup. He says i am the best thing that ever happend to him but he will not be back and that i should move on.

I am devastated. My family and friends have been great, but it is killing me not to talk or text him. I feel lost and angry. I am angry that he took the future we had planned away from me and that is does not seem to bother him. I never put pressure on him to settle down, he was always the one who spoke of the future and made plans.

I am posting looking for advice on how to cope as I still cannot sleep or eat properly. Should i accept it really is over or give him space and try reaching out again?

woodchuck

OP I feel for you. I've been in a similar situation to you. I was in a 7 year relationship and got dumped out of the blue. Like you, he was always the one pushing the relationship forward and talking about the future, so I didn't see it coming at all.

To answer your question, I think you need to accept that it's over. He has been very clear about that and I don't think anything is going to change by giving him space and then reaching out.

I know how hard it is, but you need to come to terms that the relationship is over. You're essentially grieving. Grieving the loss of this person who has been such a huge part of your life for so long and the loss of the future you had imagined together. I can't really give you any more specific advise unfortunately. I did end up going to a counselor eventually though to help me work through my feelings and that did help. Maybe it would be something for you to consider too. But for now I would advise you try to accept what has happened, don't may any attempts to contact him and surround yourself with family and friends for support.

LegacyUser

woodchuck wrote: »

OP I feel for you. I've been in a similar situation to you. I was in a 7 year relationship and got dumped out of the blue. Like you, he was always the one pushing the relationship forward and talking about the future, so I didn't see it coming at all.

To answer your question, I think you need to accept that it's over. He has been very clear about that and I don't think anything is going to change by giving him space and then reaching out.

I know how hard it is, but you need to come to terms that the relationship is over. You're essentially grieving. Grieving the loss of this person who has been such a huge part of your life for so long and the loss of the future you had imagined together. I can't really give you any more specific advise unfortunately. I did end up going to a counselor eventually though to help me work through my feelings and that did help. Maybe it would be something for you to consider too. But for now I would advise you try to accept what has happened, don't may any attempts to contact him and surround yourself with family and friends for support.

Thanks for the reply Woodchuck. i know you are right, just trying to take it one day at a time but its killing me. Thanks for the advice

woodchuck

alive but broken wrote: »

Thanks for the reply Woodchuck. i know you are right, just trying to take it one day at a time but its killing me. Thanks for the advice

Like everything, time will help. I'm not even going to say that it will help to heal, but it will definitely help to give perspective. I know it did with me anyway. I learned to see just how wrong we were for each other and how much better off I was without him. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that if one of the two of you recognised that you weren't right for each other, it means you probably weren't. As well as mourning, I'm sure you'll be doing a lot of thinking/reflection too over the coming months. I hope for your sake the break up is for the best in the long run. In the meantime though, make sure to take care of yourself. One day at a time is the best way for now, but it will get easier.

DukeOfTheSharp

This kind of situation usually says a lot more about the dumper than the dumpee really. It was all well and good when he was getting his own way but when things were close to getting serious he bailed, and that's his responsibility. Accept that it's over and you can do better than someone who essentially strung you along for god-knows how many years.

Take this time to focus on yourself and your own wants and needs, and do yourself a major favour in future: if someone you're with places you in a position where you've to spend a lot of time messing about, seeing each other on weekends, having plans but never seemingly be in the position to make them happen, and is in general constantly pushing the relationship forward, get out. It never ends well when people's actions don't match their words: he was saying he wanted this future, but ten years together and you were still in a position of not living together? That isn't right. Regardless of your circumstances it makes no sense.

Look, I've been in a position like yours - only it was after an emotionally abusive relationship - and your best bet is to cut him off entirely. Someone who messed with you and kept you around by telling you exactly what you needed to hear isn't someone worth losing sleep over, or food for that matter. As tough as it may be, it does get better, you've every right to be angry, but remember that if he jogged on, that's on him, not you. Someone said to me that you can't get the time back, but you can learn from this and not let it happen again.

via4

Sorry to hear of your situation. As the others posters say time is such a healer. You will end up feeling so proud of yourself. I was also with someone for ten years very casual wouldnt commit etc. Looking back I feel foolish but always hoping something would happen. I changed myself a lot in the last few months. I met someone and explained my situation thinking that if he knew where I stood on the whole time wasting thing he wouldn't do that if he was interested. I gave it two months and realized it was gunna be the same thing again. Only ringing when it suited him, didn't want to know me over xmas or new year but wanted to get a hotel for sex when it suited him. I gave him his marching orders. I looked back over the two months and could see the signs quicker this time. Like how he would say lets go out for a meal next week and would arrange a day then on the day I wouldnt hear from him and I would ring and say whats the story for tonight and he would say aw meet me in such and such a pub (one where there was no food served) after saying we would go for a meal and I would be starving then because if I know I am going for food I dont eat a big dinner that day. So I would meet in the pub and he would say aw I was going to take you to this other place for food I had it booked...but he didnt mention a thing about it on the phone. It was always Il take you here il take you there as in the fancy places but then he would ask to meet in the dirtiest pubs in the town. I just went with the flow but he was always promising things but do the opposite. He never took me out for a meal just wanted to get a hotel during the day. Anyway what I am saying is next time look out for the signs. If they are all talk no action then kick them to the kerb! haha..hope you will be ok xxxx

LegacyUser

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

This kind of situation usually says a lot more about the dumper than the dumpee really. It was all well and good when he was getting his own way but when things were close to getting serious he bailed, and that's his responsibility. Accept that it's over and you can do better than someone who essentially strung you along for god-knows how many years.

Take this time to focus on yourself and your own wants and needs, and do yourself a major favour in future: if someone you're with places you in a position where you've to spend a lot of time messing about, seeing each other on weekends, having plans but never seemingly be in the position to make them happen, and is in general constantly pushing the relationship forward, get out. It never ends well when people's actions don't match their words: he was saying he wanted this future, but ten years together and you were still in a position of not living together? That isn't right. Regardless of your circumstances it makes no sense.

Look, I've been in a position like yours - only it was after an emotionally abusive relationship - and your best bet is to cut him off entirely. Someone who messed with you and kept you around by telling you exactly what you needed to hear isn't someone worth losing sleep over, or food for that matter. As tough as it may be, it does get better, you've every right to be angry, but remember that if he jogged on, that's on him, not you. Someone said to me that you can't get the time back, but you can learn from this and not let it happen again.

That post makes a so much sense and is so well written. Thank you for taking the time to reply. I really will try to take this on board and learn from it

LegacyUser

via4 wrote: »

Sorry to hear of your situation. As the others posters say time is such a healer. You will end up feeling so proud of yourself. I was also with someone for ten years very casual wouldnt commit etc. Looking back I feel foolish but always hoping something would happen. I changed myself a lot in the last few months. I met someone and explained my situation thinking that if he knew where I stood on the whole time wasting thing he wouldn't do that if he was interested. I gave it two months and realized it was gunna be the same thing again. Only ringing when it suited him, didn't want to know me over xmas or new year but wanted to get a hotel for sex when it suited him. I gave him his marching orders. I looked back over the two months and could see the signs quicker this time. Like how he would say lets go out for a meal next week and would arrange a day then on the day I wouldnt hear from him and I would ring and say whats the story for tonight and he would say aw meet me in such and such a pub (one where there was no food served) after saying we would go for a meal and I would be starving then because if I know I am going for food I dont eat a big dinner that day. So I would meet in the pub and he would say aw I was going to take you to this other place for food I had it booked...but he didnt mention a thing about it on the phone. It was always Il take you here il take you there as in the fancy places but then he would ask to meet in the dirtiest pubs in the town. I just went with the flow but he was always promising things but do the opposite. He never took me out for a meal just wanted to get a hotel during the day. Anyway what I am saying is next time look out for the signs. If they are all talk no action then kick them to the kerb! haha..hope you will be ok xxxx

Thanks via4, I am sure down the road I will be the same as you feel foolish for wasting my time. I hope I am smart enough to spot the signs in future if i ever feel ready to put myself out there again

silverbolt

alive but broken wrote: »

Thanks for the reply Woodchuck. i know you are right, just trying to take it one day at a time but its killing me. Thanks for the advice

Theres no happy cure or quick one im afraid. It will take as long as it takes. Time is the only true way to get past it all.

The advice i guess i can give you is to keep busy. If you sit around all you will do is make youself even more miserable. By all means grieve - a good cry will clean out your system, get angry, do what comes naturally. But at the same time, keep active, indulge in hobbies, see your friends, go out etc.

I think one of the strangest things i dealt with now I've been single for over six months (longest in twelve years) is being and "I" instead of a "we"

LegacyUser

silverbolt wrote: »

Theres no happy cure or quick one im afraid. It will take as long as it takes. Time is the only true way to get past it all.

The advice i guess i can give you is to keep busy. If you sit around all you will do is make youself even more miserable. By all means grieve - a good cry will clean out your system, get angry, do what comes naturally. But at the same time, keep active, indulge in hobbies, see your friends, go out etc.

I think one of the strangest things i dealt with now I've been single for over six months (longest in twelve years) is being and "I" instead of a "we"

Thanks Silverbolt, thats what I have been doing, I worked all through Christmas and am meeting friends and family as much as I can and when I need to cry or be upset, i find a way to let it out. Yes the "I" instead of "we" has been a strange one to adjust to but one day at a time is all I can do

I'm sorry you're going through this OP, it happened to me with my ex who I was with for seven years. One minute we're planning a future and the next he's "not in it anymore". I'd echo the previous poster who said that in these types of situations it says more about the dumper than the dumpee. In my case, my ex had serious issues with letting people close to him and dealing with emotions. It got to a point where he didn't know who he was or what he felt about anything, and that was his issue.

When you're in the thick of it you feel utterly devastated, but you're not seeing the wood for the trees. People will tell you you're better off without him and somewhere in your head you'll know they're right but your heart takes a while to catch up. It will though, eventually. In the meantime try to surround yourself with supportive friends and family and get yourself out of the house for a good walk when you can (if you can borrow a dog this helps too!). At some point when you don't feel quite so raw, go on meetup.com and pick an event you'd like to go to. You'll get to do something you enjoy and hopefully make some friends, and it might give you a little bit of confidence back.

Take care of yourself.

DukeOfTheSharp

alive but broken wrote: »

That post makes a so much sense and is so well written. Thank you for taking the time to reply. I really will try to take this on board and learn from it

It's really not a problem, I'm glad I could at least offer some advice that could help you in some way. A lot of people here have been in the same position, the important thing to note is that you're not alone and everyone here can empathise with you. It's a gut-punch, but trust me when I say; things can and will get better, and it's only ever up from a situation like this.

LegacyUser

Hey OP - very sorry to hear about the break up of your relationship. Its an impossible time in your life where you feel like nothing else matters. Im not sure what can help you but i've been through something very similar recently and I thought id try and share where I am now - just a bit further down the line than you are right now.

My ex and partner of 15 years suddenly decided to end our marriage. We have 3 children together. I was beyond devastated - thought we had the perfect home, family and life together.

It took me a long time to get over this. I went through many emotions, I'm sure you are in the middle of them all right now. Hurt, depressed, angry, lonely - not having your best friend there to speak to every day. Afraid of having to meet someone new and start all over again.

I couldn't eat for a long time - lost a lot of weight. Stopped doing the things i loved - didn't exercise, I was very distracted at work. Obsessed with what my ex was doing, but this does not help at all, try and keep distance and dont get in touch - you can't change the things you can't control. Its very difficult but try and focus on yourself and your own happiness.

Let yourself grieve, do whatever you feel you want to. Take time off work if you can, explain the situation with your boss and colleagues. The people you spend the most time with at work can be incredibly helpful and considerate when they understand what you are going through. Make time for yourself. Go for a long walk, get outdoors, clear your head, do something new. Get closer to your friends, meet up with them at every chance you can. Go out - have a few drinks. Let it all out of the system. But don't rely on alcohol in any major way - too much drink can only make your emotional state worse. Talk to people that care about you regularly - family & friends. Get hooked on a new TV box set - Suits got me through my break up!

Its a horrible time - but one that passes. For the first few weeks and months its hard to get your ex out of your head but over time feelings will fade and you will move on. Im now close to a year past my marriage ending and i've met someone new. When my marriage ended I really thought I would never meet anyone again. Just in the past few months i've realised how happy a new person has made me - far happier than I ever thought I was in my previous relationship.

It might not seem like it now but you will find someone new - someone you deserve and you will be happy again. Best of luck. x

redcup342

I feel your pain op.

I'm in a similar situation, my G/F / Wife of 9 years and 4 years told me she was leaving me on St Stephens Day.

I spent a lonely 2 weeks back in Ireland (We live abroad so no Family around) and then when I came back I found out a few days in that she was actually cheating on me with a mutual friend of ours.

I discovered this as we were went out in a group of friends in our first social event, the Kissed on the stage in a bar then went back together to his place.

It could be worse, we could have kids.

In any case OP there's always a reason for a breakup, at least he did it now and not in another 5 / 10 years.

The only thing that keeps me going is that I can get through this, do the right thing while looking after myself and the future looks bad now but that's normal.

Chin up OP, you'll be fine, just use this time as an opportunity to work on yourself and you'll meet someone else when you're ready. Bad feelings are just temporary, they will go away.

And of course try to sleep and eat properly as well.

lelo100

Hey I was in your position six years ago. It took me a couple of years to realise I had made a lucky escape from the man I had wanted to settle down with. I was so lucky in retrospect that he had ended things as I never would have. Since then I married a wonderful man and I've a two year old. Sometimes these things happen for the best and a wonderful man is waiting for u down the line xxx

LegacyUser

Thanks to everyone who has replied! Although I knew I was not the first person to go through this, and sadly not the last, hearing from people who have been through similiar and come out the other side has been so good for me. I know I am a long way off recovering, but I know I will. A day at a time is all I can tell myself right now and I know I am doing better than I ever would have imagined I would in this situation.

It has been really postive for me to read your stories of recovery and advice. I am taking it all on board and I know I will come out the other side stronger

santana75

Op read "The journey from abandonment to healing" By susan anderson. Its about this exact thing. It'll help you a lot I think.