Making it Work For Next Few Years?

LegacyUser

Hi there,

To cut to the chase having a child with husband has put our relationship under huge strain. It's at that stage where we both can't stand each other. Before child I travelled a lot for work so we tended to only spend a few days a week together which consisted of nights out and relaxed weekends.

Was having doubts about our compatabilitly when I found out was pregnant! I adopted very healthy lifestyle while husband didn't! Wasn't hugely supportive during pregnancy. Still tries to live his life like a single guy now we have kid. Any opportunity to go out with the lads until all hours! (It's the one activity he truly gets excited about)Always sneaking off to pub for drinks on way home but feels it doesn't count as its "only a couple". Likes to sit on couch all day eating junk food like he's in college. Has no interest in me or how I am doing or feeling. He is good with kid but not so great when it doesn't suit him. Stays in bed late! Not role modelling want for child.

Went to couples counselling but things change for short time but then revert back to old ways so pointless. Also husband is so defensive he couldn't take certain things on board. Blames everyone else and takes no responsibility! For his part he thinks I am a nag which I probably am but I feel he has made me that way. He doesn't follow up on simple tasks unless they affect him. So if tv is broken he will get it sorted asap but not other stuff. I really don't want to be a nag but am tired of sitting home while he goes out. Often he will start a fight just so he can use it as excuse to go out. He is also Moody and sulky a lot of the time.

If we didn't have a child I would leave tomorrow but I can't afford to. I had some debt that am still clearing so he paid deposit on house and it's in his name though I pay half of mortgage. I could afford to rent a place but wouldnt have much left over plus childcare is expensive. Husband couldn't afford mortgage alone. I really feel for people stuck in these scenarios as never thought it could be me.

Is there a way to make this work for next few years? Anyone any tips? Should I just keep quiet about his nights out and lazy habits? How can I get him to help without nagging? Is there any secret to dealing with selfish adolescent type men?

Just to point out yes I married this man so am in the situation. No point telling me I shouldn't have married him etc
I am not blaming him. I take responsibility for my part. I have become a nag and probably want him to be someone he's not which is unfair.
Yes there is a kid in this situation and she is loved by both parents. I don't want to be struggling financially as want to provide for him.
I know our toxic relationship will impact her hence am asking for advice to make it work as best we can until we can afford to separation.

Any constructive advice welcome! Thanks so much!

Xterminator

Right so. my primary advice to you is you cannot change him.

you can only change the way you act/react.

From what you said above i think you fall back into your patterns and roles each time.

So genuinely i would look at what you can do. i strongly suggest that you find another strategy than the unproductive nagging.

now with regards to the mortgage; make sure your payments can be demonstrated. common sense. also you said your husband. are you actually married? if so you have far stronger position when it comes to the family home regardless of the title.

homerjay2005

satnight1 wrote: »

I am not blaming him. I take responsibility for my part. I have become a nag and probably want him to be someone he's not which is unfair.

couple of questions - does he work and if so, how many hours a week. i assume you are not working?? does his money provide for you and the child to live a decent life?

the fact that you have admitted to becoming a nag, is probably the big problem here. why cant you try a little bit harder and keep quite a bit more and see where it gets you? trivial things that annoy you can be ingored if you really really want them to.

is he perfect? no he is not, but we see endless threads on here week in, week out where its either the woman complaining about her useless husband or the man complaining about how his life is being controlled by his wife who is doing nothing but nagging him and trying to change him.

why not focus on the positives? you said he is good with the child and he loves the child, why not focus on this? you complain about him going out for a couple of pints, why dont you let him alone and enjoy this time, moaning about it is going to change nothing, only cause stress and anguish for you both and the child. everything you say seems to be to make yourself believe you are a better person than him and theres nothing but negatives about him.

why dont you arrange nights out yourself and plan things, with good communication and plenty of prior notice? do you have family who can babysit if you both want to go out?

i was speaking to a friend of mine who works in the health industry and she says the number of men in their 30's and 40's who feel their lives are just passing them by and they are being bullied by woman is huge. i suspect you are doing the same in certain times to your husband and you need to take a step back and relax - stop trying to change him into the man what you believe he should b and let him be the man you fell in love with and married.

maybe you can go to some counselling yourself, speak to somebody and help you relax a little bit more and help with communication?

summary - i think you are as much of the problem as he is and if you want to improve things, you need to control yourself a little bit better, not start fights and get on with ensuring that your child is brought up in a happy environment. whats more important to you now, your childs happiness and well being or some childish satisfaction you get from screaming at your husband because he had 2 pints on the way home?

LegacyUser

As someone who is recently engaged and making a lot of changes from my life as an single independent guy, it sounds like he has not grown up.

I know what nagging is like but I can distinguish it from frustration at my behaviour and try to adapt accordingly. So if I say that I will do something, I commit to doing it so it doesn't turn into a "nagging" scenario.

Is the only reason you are trying to stick it out because you have a kid together? That is a recipe for disaster I think. .. ..

It will turn into resentment etc and your child will pick up on that.

How long have you been together? What were his best qualities when you decided you were going to marry him?

LegacyUser

homerjay2005 wrote: »

summary - i think you are as much of the problem as he is and if you want to improve things, you need to control yourself a little bit better, not start fights and get on with ensuring that your child is brought up in a happy environment. whats more important to you now, your childs happiness and well being or some childish satisfaction you get from screaming at your husband because he had 2 pints on the way home?

The OP doesn't say he just foes for 2 pints on the way home - she states "Any opportunity to go out with the lads until all hours!" Sorry but he's a parent now so he doesn't get to just go out with the lads when he feels like it.

OP you start your post stating you can't stand each other....seriously that's not healthy for the child! I don't care how good either of you are as parents it's not going to be good long term for them if their parents can't stand each other.

It doesn't sound like it's worth trying to save this relationship so seperate - yes there's cost and issues with this but it's what is needed. Go stay with family, go stay with friends, talk to a solictor, talk to your GP, sit down and discuss the issue with your OH like adults but seriously get yourself sorted. It's going to suck yes but it's a far healtier option then sticking together for the sake of the child. I was the child in this family - a mother who hated herself because of what she'd become as a result of a father who couldn't grow up. While they thought they were doing ok as parents as they provided for my siblings and I, I grew up hating them both with equal measure as the atmosphere we lived in was toxic.

Dial Hard

homerjay2005 wrote:

i assume you are not working?? does his money provide for you and the child to live a decent life?

She pays half the mortgage so I think it's very safe to assume she does work.

HelgaWard

It's sounds like you want to be given advice on how to manage to stay with your husband until you can afford to move out? "If we didn't have a child I would leave tomorrow but I can't afford to." It sounds like the only thing your respect him for is the fact that he is good with your child (And you identify quite a bit of his behavior you don't think is a good example for your child). It sounds like you do not love him at all. If this is the case you should consider separating. I know the financial consequences of this would be tough, but there are plenty of separated couples cohabiting due to financial constraints. If you don't love your husband, really staying with him is only delaying the inevitable. Do your child a favor and try to separate amicably and try to come to an arrangement where you co-parent in as much harmony as possible. This will be a much better scenario for your child, than the two of you living together unhappily married until one of you cracks or you break up once the child is 18.

LegacyUser

I could have written your post word for word OP. Except I am much further down the road than you with a few more children. Homerjay2003's post annoyed me on so many levels as it seems to be coming from the point of view of my husband. (I actually wonder if it is my husband!)

This point in particular really hit a nerve with me

why dont you arrange nights out yourself and plan things, with good communication and plenty of prior notice?

This is something I have repeatedly said to my husband. If I want to/need to go somewhere I need to book it with him, well in advance. Whereas he can just not come home from work. I asked him what would happen some day if I just decided to not come home from work? To not contact him? He makes a big issue of the fact that he "comes home when [he's] asked" like he's doing me a favour! Rather than he just comes home from work, because that's what people do. My husband comes from a family of alcohol abusers, though.

All I can say is, it's not going to change. You have accepted that you are solely responsible for the care of your child, and your husband occasionally acts as a babysitter for you, and lets you know how great he is for doing it, I suppose :rolleyes: If you think you can accept that with good grace, and live together until it is feasible, financially or otherwise, to move out than do it. Being a single parent is tough. But it's what you are effectively doing now anyway. So live together, but without the tension. Accept you are single but have a live in babysitter.

I realised recently that my personality has completely changed over the last few years. I have become a moan! No more. I'm just making myself miserable. So I'm forcing myself to not care anymore. He knows how I feel, it has been discussed, at length, many times! He can come and go as he pleases (he always has, always will anyway) I will tell him the nights he needs to be home so that I can bring whichever child to whichever activity without having to drag them all along. And when a better time comes we will separate. There has been tension in the house for quite a while, and I am mindful of the affect it was having on the children. That's why I'm changing.

My husband hasn't grown up. He hasn't assumed the responsibility of a father. He actually tells me that I'm the problem, because he hasn't changed! We're together almost 20 years!! I said isn't it well for him that at 42 he can carry on exactly as he did when we first met. I have[/ changed, of course I have. I am now responsible for the lives of other people. I'm no longer "young, free and single". I also pointed out, that at my age now, I'd have no interest in being with a young carefree fella in his 20s! We'd be at completely different life stages. Me and my husband are at different life stages. I am a mother. He's a carefree 20 something year old. I have a feeling he will eventually grow up, but it's not going to happen any time soon, and by the time he does I, and our children, will have moved on.

I can't really offer you much advice, but just to let you know that you most definitely are not in a unique position.

homerjay2005

LegoFriends wrote: »

My husband hasn't grown up. He hasn't assumed the responsibility of a father. He actually tells me that I'm the problem, because he hasn't changed! We're together almost 20 years!! I said isn't it well for him that at 42 he can carry on exactly as he did when we first met. I have[/ changed, of course I have. I am now responsible for the lives of other people. I'm no longer "young, free and single". I also pointed out, that at my age now, I'd have no interest in being with a young carefree fella in his 20s! We'd be at completely different life stages. Me and my husband are at different life stages. I am a mother. He's a carefree 20 something year old.

im sorry, but this type of advise is just pure rubbish. you maybe happy to sit in at home and think that youre life has to stop once you have a child, but theres 10's of 1000's of people in this country (both men and women) who dont agree with this.

children are hard work, you need to be responsible but you can have children and still lead a good life - you and your partner are entitled to enjoy yourselves (within reason of course), you and your partner are entitled to have some fun. you dont have to change, just because you think you should or just for the sake of it.

and you are also giving off impression that you cant be a good father if you are "young". your attitude is old fashioned in my opinion.

LegoFriends wrote: »

I realised recently that my personality has completely changed over the last few years. I have become a moan! No more. I'm just making myself miserable.

and by the sounds of things you are making others miserable too. try to relax, embrace this period of your life and stop trying to change your partner just for the sake of it. in a few years time, your kids will be grown up and you stuck at home wondering where your life has gone and you will look back and say "i wish i enjoyed myself more".

LegacyUser

The problem is HomerJay, once you have children, somebody has to take responsibility for them. I'm not saying my life stopped completely because I have children, but my life changed and anybody who claims their lives didn't change after having children obviously had another parents/grandparent etc picking up their slack. Before I had children I went out every Friday night after work. Straight from work. I stayed out til 2 and stayed in bed til 2! Nobody else was dependent on me.

Now, life is changed. There are people depending on me. There are a number of children who do various activities everyday of the week. I have to organise that, and do ALL the ferrying around... And for the most part bring all children with me to all activities because their father is in the pub. He finishes work before 4. He never, ever comes home. Lately I have taken up my own hobby that I go to a couple of times a week. I need to leave the house at 7:30. He walks in the door at 7:30 (having had 3, 4 pints and driving home btw), all children are fed, homework done and ready for bed. One of the kids had to give up one of their activities because, I could drop him on the way to mine, but his dad would have to collect him.. And his dad can't collect him because he would be after drinking. That is 1 day of the week, where his dad cannot stay out of the pub in order to be able to collect him.

So, yes, ideally your advice is obvious and seems simple. In real lives it's not always so simple.

My life with kids started out pretty much as the OP has described. And this is where I am now. Yes, I get out 2 evenings a week, but it is for a limited run of weeks.... And by God do I hear about it! How fabulous he is and how often I go out! (Because as the OP, says going for "a couple of pints on the way home" isn't going out!) He only "goes out" on a Friday night.

Although, this weekend he's out both nights. He didn't give 'plenty of prior notice', as you suggest the OP could give. He just didn't come home from work yesterday and today told me he was going for a game of pool. That was at 3pm. There's no sign yet! But yet if I want to go out I have to give 'plenty of prior notice' and even when I do, he has been known to go out earlier in the day (because he "won't get to go out that evening") and come home just in time for me to walk out the door.

For anyone not in the situation it can seem simple and obvious. But, we both decided to have kids. We both agreed to have kids, yet one person does 90% of the work because the other is off having a right time playing the single fella.

And I didn't imply that young people cant be good parents. It was meant in the context of young, carefree, no responsibilities. My husband is far from young, yet I can guarantee there are many parents much younger than him who are far better at the job than he is.

LegacyUser

Sorry for that long winded ramble, OP! Would your husband be agreeable to counselling, for both of you? It would teach you both to communicate better with each other. I understand exactly how you feel, and even acknowledging that it's not all his fault. But don't let anyone tell you it's all your fault either! Me and my husband have just started counselling, but to be honest I think we might have left it too late. If you honestly want to try work at it, or even try find a way to communicate better even if it's as "housemates", then give counselling a go. If he'll agree to it, of course.