Boyfriend can't "perform"

katti

Hi all... Really need some advice. . I am seeing my boyfriend for about 3 months now. I am hugely attracted to him both physically and mentally and I know he feels the same. .. However in this time we have managed to have full sex only on two occasions (both of which were amazing) He has no problem Eghm becoming erect when we kiss etc.. But when it comes to penetration it all appears to go away and it does not want to come back.
We try not to let this get us down but each and every time it happens obviously he feels awful which makes me feel similar.
He said this has never happened before, Well not with such frequency perhaps on the odd drunken night.
I don't know what to do. I hate seeing him upset and angry and frustrated and embarrassed but have no clue how to help.
We are both in our early forties with previous relationships with healthy sex lives.
Anyone have any ideas? Been in a similar situation from either side?

Jay085

He should go and see a doctor. There are a variety of options available to treat ED. If he was losing his sight, I'm sure he'd go to an opticion and get glasses etc. This is no different (bar the stigma / reluctance in talking about this type of issue) but a doctor would have dealt with this issue many times before. There is help there and he / you can enjoy a healthy satisfying love life - he just needs to get it.

katti

Yeh. He will not do that. He is mortified and as he was in a fairly sexual relationship that broke up a few months before we met he's convinced himself it's not medical... He struggles for the reason but is fairly adamant it's not ED as he can masterbate at the drop of a hat

The two times we got it on we were away in hotels. Any other time has been in my home which I share. I sometimes wonder if it's nerves or a lack of comfort at being here.

bee06

Could be nerves but it could be a lot of things. No one in here can say for sure. If he won't help himself by going to the doctor there isn't much you can do to help him either.

tracey turnblad

Would you go with him to the doctor? He might be too embarrassed to say it... At least you could say it for him. I'd try again in a hotel and if he's OK in hotel it's obviously his nerves in your place

katti

I've offered. The doctor appears to be his mortal enemy. I've considered an ultimatum but I haven't it in me to upset him more than he already is. We've said we'd go away in a couple of weeks but it's getting to the stage where I'm nearly afraid to try in case of failure. We've worked ourselves up so much about it its probably counter productive. I've also wondered if it's me as this hasn't happened to him before and if I'm honest it has me, never to this extent though.

Augme

If he's no problem becoming erect when you kiss then he doesn't have a problem a GP can fix. A sex therapist would be better, but he ain't going to do that by the sounds of things. It sounds like a pressure issue and it seems both of your attitudes towards it isn't helping things at all. Each time he fails he just has even more pressure on him to perform the next time.

Just both decide to take sex off the table for the time being. Focus on kissing, touching, licking etc and leave the penetration part out of it. That way you'll both get pleasure and there isn't a huge ball of pressure on him to perform. Sex and intimacy should be fun and enjoyable, at this stage for both of yous it's just a very unpleasant experience. That needs to change.

dudara

getaroom - I've deleted your post as it was unsubstantiated advice.

dudara

Calypso Realm

katti wrote: »

The two times we got it on we were away in hotels. Any other time has been in my home which I share. I sometimes wonder if it's nerves or a lack of comfort at being here.

This would lead me to believe it's anxiety related. Just out of interest, who do you share with?

racso1975

May I ask what age your boyfriend is and what form of protection you use?

Hemerodrome

katti wrote: »

he was in a fairly sexual relationship that broke up a few months before we met

How did he deal with that breakup? It was his last sexual relationship and I would be pretty sure it's affecting his sexual behaviour now. I'd also be curious to know how the rest of your relationship is going and of you've both become so focused on this that your excellent efforts to talk it through and support him have become part of the problem.

bilbot79

Sounds like he's trying so hard to do it that he's forgetting to enjoy it.

Ficheall

Do you have a very noisy bed/thin walls, OP?