Relationship falling apart

LegacyUser

Up until Xmas time my relationship with my girlfriend was good. We’ve been together for 8 years, we started out as long distance as I met her when she was on Erasmus at my university. It was difficult each of us going back and forth to our respective countries and having most of our contact over Skype but we made it work until eventually she moved in with me for a while a couple of years back.
She was offered a chance to do a PhD at a pretty decent university in her home country which required her to move back there, so we again resumed the long distance thing for a while. Fast forward a year or so later and I had started my PhD, fortunately for me my research only requires a laptop and an internet connection so I was able to go and live with her in the town she was studying at for a couple of years.
For a number of reasons we eventually decided to move to her parents house, it’s a pretty big house and she has her own self contained apartment there. One reason was that she wanted to start doing up the apartment with a view to starting a family the road, another was that my stipend to do my PhD had run out and I couldn’t afford to pay rent anymore at the university town. We have been there now for a couple of months, and she has been commuting to her job which is about 2 hours away. She has to teach there so it requires her to stay over a couple of nights of the week which is fine with me.
Recently she’s been getting very busy with work, which has required her to be there for longer in the week so we hadn’t really been seeing a lot of each other.
I started to kind of get worried about the relationship as she would go on and on about a masters student she has as one of her assistants, she obviously liked the chap but something made me suspicious the way she would talk about him so much, she also made arrangements to do a tandem language learning hour with him every week.
Perhaps because I was a bit paranoid I noticed that she wouldn’t leave her phone around the apartment anymore and always seemed to be emailing somebody. When I got back to the apartment after spending time in Ireland with my family over Xmas, it really started to bother me until eventually I asked her was there somebody else. She said that she had a crush on this man but nothing would ever happen as he is a student and they had only been communicating about language study related things. I was annoyed but I could also understand it, over the course of our relationship I have also had crushes on people, but I never really went out of my way to be with them or was secretive about communicating with them.
Following that conversation she told me she doesn’t really know if she is in love with my anymore. This is all sounding really strange to me as we were just planning on trying for a baby around this time. She had stopped birth control and everything, I don’t know if that has something to do with the way she feels changing so suddenly.
We have talked a lot about our relationship and things do seem to have gotten a bit stale. I’m sure it’s not helping that I’m just around the house trying to finish my thesis with no income and that her career is going really well and she’s out working so much now..
Anyway, we are supposed to be moving back to Ireland for a couple of months starting in February in order for her to work on a study, it is also handy for me because I can get employment at my college and it’s just nice to be back home with my friends and family.
After a few emotional days following new years I decided to go back to Ireland early, I think we both needed some space to think, it’s also helpful that I can get employment for next semester sorted out with my college. I am going back there next Friday for a few days as we had booked tickets to go see a concert and I was also going to bring some of our gear back for when we are moving to Ireland, she is supposed to be joining me in Ireland at the start of February. We have been talking over the phone, sometimes normal conversation, sometimes the relationship situation comes up and she really doesn’t seem to want to talk about it. I would like to but I’m laying off that until we meet up again in person.
At this point I don’t know what to do, I thought we were going to be starting a family soon, and now I have no idea. We have talked about keeping the relationship going for a few months, but I don’t know if I want to be waiting around on her to decide whether she wants to be with me or not. I feel like the ball is in her court now, I don’t know if I should be angry at her or at myself for letting things get this way. This is the first big problem our relationship has had and I really don’t know what to do about it.

Mourinho

Others will give more in depth advice I'm sure but please man forget the baby trying and wear protection if you are still sleeping with her.

Do you really want to get a woman pregnant after she saying she doesn't know if she loves you? Being a single dad and with all the moving around and her being foreign you might barely ever see your child. That's the main thing you should do first anyway.

screamer

8 years is a long time to be going out together without moving things on. Life and relationships as students is very different. Sometimes when people move in together they realise that its just not the right fit for them. I know you said you're talking about a family but it sounds like its some sort of sticky plaster to try fix the cracks and that never works. To be honest your girlfriend sounds like she's very conflicted working now after years of college wants to start a family with you then has a crush on someone else......sounds like she doesn't know what she wants and that's ok for her but you need to decide what you want and what is important to you and I agree with the advise it is no situation to bring a baby into right now......

LeeLooLee

This is totally bizarre - who tries for a baby when they have no income and are in the middle of a PhD? And when one partner has admitted they have a crush on someone else? I wouldn't start a family with this woman in any circumstances because it sounds like you have no idea what is going on. It doesn't sound good at all. I would insist on having a proper talk about where she sees things going and how committed she feels at this point. 8 years is a long time and you don't want to be wasting even more time on a relationship which may end up going nowhere. I think both of you need to be honest and talk through your feelings and plans.

bilbot79

I think your life has been static for too long through no fault of your own. She might not enjoy you doing your thesis while her career is flying. She might feel you're in a different place and can't evolve with her. I think if you have a job and career and are moving forward away from studying then things could change.

She is moving here in February though, she won't know anyone and you'll be on your turf. You may appear more valuable to her then

LegacyUser

We have been using protection, I am fully aware that thinking about having a child now is a terrible idea.

I think we have been kind of complacent in our relationship, we were able to make long distance work for a long time and I think this had made us think that our relationship was very strong and wouldn't run into any difficulties which is rather naive.

To be honest I don't know if I was ready to start a family, I am still studying and I was hoping that we could wait on that until I had finished my studies and started a job. She really wanted to go for it though and eventually we agreed we'd try around January.

I do feel like life has been static for me, and to be honest I don't know if I was very happy living in her country. I had felt isolated, especially living back in her parents house which is in the countryside with not a lot to do. I've been hoping that moving back to Ireland for a while will make things better. I'll be back working, and we can do things together.

I think we do need to sit down and have a serious chat about things, which I'm sure we will do when I get back to her place this weekend. I'm just pretty hurt at this point that all of a sudden, well what felt sudden to me, she seems to have lost interest us being together. I feel lost, I don't know if I should make some grand gesture to show that I love and appreciate her and want to be together or should I just cut my losses and not waste my time.

screamer

You shouldn't have to make grand gestures if things are ok. And grand gestures when things are wrong add something temporary that might sway a decision in the heat of the moment but will be regretted later. Talk to her be as open and honest with her as you've been here on boards and see where you and she see this going. But don't waste more time if she's got a very different idea of the future than you have and you have to be prepared to walk away if you can't find some common ground.

Sleepy

Did her attitude to you only change when she came off birth control? There have been quite a few studies that show women going for different types of men whether they're on or off of birth control (a bias towards more macho types when fertile vs "more responsible father" type when on contraception).

LegacyUser

I take on board that a grand gesture could probably be ultimately futile. I suppose the only thing left to do is to sit down and try to be as honest as we can. I am willing to walk away, it's not me he wants to do it, but I accept that trying to keep something going when her heart is not in it will make things ultimately worse.

I have heard as well of studies where women begin to find they're partners less attractive as they come of birth control, I can totally see how something like this could have happened in this case. I reckon it's not the total cause of this mess, but may have contributed.