Choosing between relationship and becoming a Mother

LegacyUser

Hello everyone.

So I'm in a bit of a muddle.
A bit of background to start:

I'm 28. I am seeing a guy who is 6 years older than me and has 2 children.
This doesn't bother me, the kids don't cause any issues and the ex is definitely an ex.

We are very much in love, have a great time when we're together etc...

I don't see him every day as he has partial custody of his children but it works as I like my own space anyway.

My issue though is that as I'm approaching 30, I'm thinking about children.
When we first met, I was convinced I didn't want any and told him this.
However we're now 3 years down the line and my feelings have changed.
My natural maternal instincts are kicking in and I now very much want a baby...not right now but I'd like to think I will in 2/3 years time.

However, he doesn't want children. He's done. He's very clear on that and there will be no changes. That's fair enough, he's not doing anything wrong to decide so.

I'm torn.
I love him deeply and have no other reason to break up with him other than the baby issue.

I would honestly be heartbroken and I know I'll be told 'don't worry, you'll find someone else in time' etc, I don't really want to.

Is having children really that amazing that it's worth ending a fantastic relationship with the love of my life over? It's his life I'd be ruining too.

This is keeping me awake at night though.
Will I end up sad and lonely when I'm older because I didn't have children?
What if I decide to stay childless for him but then something happened in the future to split us anyway, and I was 40 with no children and unlikely to get the chance again to have any?

I don't want to talk to him about this because I feel like starting the conversation can only result in a decision being made, which I'm not ready to do yet.

I know that the obvious answer is well, if you want a baby you HAVE to split and find someone else.
I suppose I just want to hear anything else you might have to say though, just to help this mess in my head become clearer.

I'm seeing him later and I feel very down about it all today. I feel like saying I'm unwell just to avoid him this evening because I can't explain why I'm feeling down.

All advice and comments appreciated, thank you.

Typer Monkey

You absolutely need to discuss this with him. How do you know his feelings haven't changed over the last few years too? He may decide that he'd be willing to have children with you now as it means a lot to you and would be preferable to breaking up?


I don't think anyone else's experience is necessarily going to help you. I was adamant that I didn't want children. Then I got accidentally pregnant at 35 with a relatively new partner and we're now married with that 3 year old and expecting our 2nd soon. That's my experience though and there's plenty of women that choose not to have children of their own and are perfectly happy.

Bottom line though is you have to discuss this with your boyfriend. You may be stressing over nothing too

pc7

If being a mother is something you want and your partner doesn't is a deal breaker in my own eyes. Will you resent him when you hit mid 40's and it's too late? As his kids age and he becomes a grandfather and all the milestones you'll never 100% experience.
Whe I met my now husband I didn't want kids, as I got older that changed (for him too) and we did want them (have one now hoping for another). Honestly hand on my heart if he hadn't of wanted one I don't think I could have stayed, I had an ache to be a mother its been amazing (hard and I miss sleep!) but I can't imagine my life without that.
Best thing to do is have a good honest chat with each other.

Ann84

I don't think this will go away and it is a dealbreaker for a lot of couples for that reason... If you have realised that you want to have a child, that will knaw away at you ove the next decade and will bring anger, fristration into your relationship...
If you don't talk to your partner, he won't have a clue what's going on and that's not fair on him... And yes it will be out in the open but that's a lot better than trying to hide it and having a meltdown in a few months time when it all comes to s head...

CaraMay

I know a girl who met and fell in love with a guy who had 3 kids from a previous marriage. He had had a vasectomy and didn't want and more kids. She would have loved nothing more.

She thought long and hard and decided to choose the man over the possibility to have kids. They broke up 10 years later and he still has his kids but she's too old to have any. Never ever give up what you want for someone else. You could easily break up in ten years time and where would you be then?

It's time to talk to him.

Dellnum

Why should you give up your desire to have children for the sake of this man. He is not budging for your sake. The relationship, while good now, will not remain good if you have this desire to have children and he is not budging, you will resent him in time. I would let him know in no uncertain terms that you want a child and that if he not prepared to have one with you then you have no alternative but to move on. He has just as much to lose out of ending this relationship as you have so why does he have all the say in this. My guess is that rather than lose you he will succumb and if he doesn't then you are better to try and meet a likeminded man to yourself. I hope all this works out for you and I would definitely not forfeit my chance of having a child for the sake of this man.

strandroad

You do need to bring it up with him, your feelings have changed but he may feel differently now too.

If he's adamant that it's not an option, you'll have more thinking to do, but there's a chance that it won't be necessary.

PLL

Put simply, the yearning for children won't go away.
And, in my very honest opinion, your children are pretty much guaranteed to be in your life forever, a partner is not.

Before having a child the thought of losing my partner was unthinkable.
Now I have a child, although obviously I love my fiancé dearly, between him and our daughter, my daughter will always be the most important. He would say the same thing.

You can't understand the love for a child until you have one, and if you want one nothing should prevent that. It just changes you overnight and I would wish any that wants it the opportunity to have it.

gothic_doll

PLL wrote: »

And, in my very honest opinion, your children are pretty much guaranteed to be in your life forever, a partner is not.

Agreed.

Dellnum wrote: »

My guess is that rather than lose you he will succumb and if he doesn't then you are better to try and meet a likeminded man to yourself.

Also agreed. Remember the situation is in his favour already- he has children, so he isn't the one making a sacrifice, should you choose to stay together without children for yourself. Good luck.

LegacyUser

You need to talk.
I have a toddler and one on the way.And it's hard flipping work.From his point of view, he's had his kids.He's done and I imagine he really doesn't want to start all over at the newborn stage again.In some ways, I really do understand that.
You do want kids.In all honesty (and yes I sound old fashioned about this, but it's science)....biology is on his side here, not yours.You do have a window of time and then it closes.Do you want to spend that window trying to change his mind and finding you can't?
Having kids is the really that unbelievable.It's amazing, incredible, emotional,opens up a whole piece of you that you never knew was there and enriches your life....but it is hard hard work and an absolute slog, especially in the tiny years.I can totally understand how someone would have kids then say they're done.However there is no hard and fast rule saying you should or shouldn't have them, it's entirely up to yourself.But it is one of those things in life that you can't undo once it's done (either way).
So think hard about what you want from life long term, and have the talk now.

zcorpian88

Don't want to say it OP but you're going to have to face this talk one day and burying the issue and delaying the talk over your future with this fellow will eat you alive, I've done it and have been in a similar situation before with an ex I had, I ended it with her about 14 months ago.

My situation was complex in a different way, like I went out with her from the age of 24-26 and like any young couple, children is a thing for the distant future as naturally you have to sort the life out before thinking about settling down, her and I got on like a house on fire and related about so many things and I didn't want to imagine my life without her, but her and I were very different in lots of ways too. She is an academic from I would say a kind of well off background and very qualified in her field of work where I am of a very working class background, and she won me over with her whole persona and vice versa and we got very close.

Early on in the relationship she said in a jokey way that she didn't want children and us being young I laughed off the children discussion as neither of us were prepared for any of that and like any young couple it's just about having fun and being there for one another, time went on and we done a lot together but in between there were times where we would see a child in a buggy or walking beside their parents holding hands and she would comment "No kids for me" and she came up with these excuses which I found to be a bit bonkers and kept burying the issue because I didn't want to throw away the relationship and start from square one again because I always found it very tough to find a girlfriend especially someone as great as she was.

These excuses included the fact that she is an academic and she read something or other that people of an academic background that are high functioning that they are prone to giving birth to autistic children, she also had something of a shame/inferiority complex and it was due to her being adopted and she met her biological mother as a teenager and she couldn't stand the woman because she was apparently the village slut back in the day and had a bad lifestyle and so on, she beat herself up over lots of things in her life, she was really self conscious about her weight and image and what other people thought of her and her personality which there was nothing really wrong with,, she said in other forms of words that she didn't want a child that would be anything like her, anything negative she had to say about herself the biological mother came up in the same sentence and I tried my best to help her with these issues, some of it to no avail, I had hoped she would change her mind about children but I couldn't just sit there and hope for the best, it wasn't looking like it was going to change, I could have given her another 2 years and ended up with the same result and been twice as devastated having to end it.

In the end her academic schedule and her inability to spend sufficient time with me (including my own birthday get together) and she wasn't bothered making it up to me, sort of triggered me to finish it which just isn't my style, as the relationship was just a one way street of me making a ridiculous amount of effort and personal sacrifices and I was getting very little in return, including the chance to be a parent down the road which I thought anybody should want. I completely burned out and ended it which sent me into a pretty bad depression, really took it's toll on me over most of last year and the bad feelings over it still linger today from sadness, bitterness to even anger because it had to be me that landed in that position and my guard has been up really ever since.

If you are sure you want children well then it's a no brainer, you're nearer to 30 than I am, I'm 27. If you are sure well then you're going to have talk to him and possibly have to end it, you could end up resenting him if you decide to settle with him, your situation is complex as he's older and has already had children with an ex, wouldn't like to be in that situation myself.

Best of luck OP

Augme

Also worth thinking about - what happens if you break up and don't find anyone else? Are you going to "settle" for another guy just to have kids? Are you going to get a sperm donor if needs be? Have you considered the possibility of staying together and getting a sperm donor? IT sounds like he doesn't want the responsibility of being a Dad so this could avoid that, and you both sound quite independent already in that you don't spend all your time together. I accept this is a very un-orthodox suggestion that has a lot of potential pitfalls.

LegacyUser

Hi all,

OP here.

Many thanks for the replies. I read every single one and took all advice on board.

We have made the decision to go our separate ways. Obviously I am devastated and will be for some time but I know in my heart this is for the best.

Thanks again for your help.

LegacyUser

Best of luck OP.
It will get better and I hope you find someone soon who also wants everything that you want from life.