Moved back to Ireland stresses

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I've been abroad for 7 years and moved back to Ireland after getting a job in my profession in Dublin.

However, I'd been looking forward forever to get this job but everything else in the country is driving me up the wall.

Firstly, I have moved back with the girlfriend (of 4 years) and into my parents house. We have had our own place for 3 of those 4 years so to be in a box room under my parents roof is starting to get at us. Of course I am extremely grateful of my parents for putting us up but we cannot relax as the bedroom is claustrophobic and the living room/kitchen is all one so there is always people in there. On top of this, my 22 yr old brother lives here, and although working full-time, never buys anything for the house (groceries, washing powder etc) or does anything to help around the house (washes, hoovering etc). We are all living rent-free but myself and girlfriend do as much as we can around the house to show our appreciation and buy our own groceries and food etc. My parents are EXTREMELY defensive of my little brother and I have learnt not to bring him up as a few years ago I brought up the situation and it caused a fall-out between us all.

Anyway, the next issue is finding a place to rent. I am fortunate to have a very good and stable profession with a very good salary, but I have still been unable to find a rental. What is worse is that I cannot believe how rude some estate agents can be. I know the market is competitive, but when we take time to visit a property, say we want it and provide references there and then, only not to even receive a courtesy call saying the property has gone to someone else completely dumbfounds me.
We were very close to being able to buy in our previous country, but with the ridiculous mortgage rules and lending rules here now we won't be able to for a few years (banks won't even entertain us until we have 6 months of statements from an Irish account).

Similarly to hearing back from agents, although my girlfriend has found a job straight away for some income stream, she is actively pursuing other jobs, yet goes to the interview, gets on well and the employers again don't have the courtesy to ring/text/email to say she's been unsuccessful! I understand if she doesn't get anything from an application, but these are physical interviews she has gone to.

I guess I just can't get over the arrogance of the place at the moment. I have lived in UK, France and Germany in the past 7 years and although I left just before things got really bad, I really can't get my head around how things are running here.

This is a hugely stressful time and I guess this is a bit of a rant, but I'm really starting to panic whether this was the right move, especially as I took a huge paycut to be here thinking it was worth it for our future and to start a family.

Any words will be appreciated!

gothic_doll

Sorry to hear this. I think what you are perceiving as arrogance is a brave face -people are emigrating all over the place, crazy rents, too much expectation at work, and so on.

The interviews your wife is going to may not even be for real positions- and what I mean is, an employer will make a prospective job opening, unless someone who is perfect and will take a low salary turns up, they hire no one. They re-advertise the same role later, do the same thing.
Or hire someone for 3 months, as employees have no rights on short-term basis, they can work them hard in those months as they try to impress, no security, no holidays/etc, then fire and hire again. They know that isn't gonna hold water with your wife and her experience.

This happened in the UK pre-recession (outside of London) which is why I recognised it, and it is happening now (to some level) everywhere.

The employer is too proud to admit they haven't got the money to hire who they need, and the landlords can't even cover their mortgages half the time in Dublin, so again that is why the behaviour is such.

Living at home will be driving you mad too, both parents and your brother?
I don't think you made a mistake at all if you are planning to start a family, but at the same time what you're picking up (arrogance, etc) isn't going to change anytime soon.

This is the second time I've said this to someone, but is London an option? You're not far from home. I know you lived here already so you know better than me whether it's suitable for you.

Hope you manage to settle back in and things work out.

LegacyUser

Welcome back. You will find somewhere to live, it's just harder than before. Have you considered house-sharing or moving further out commuting/getting a car?

Regarding your brother ... I think you have some cheek to be annoyed at him when you come back after seven years, don't pay rent, and bring a non-family member who is not paying rent.

While personally I believe all working adults should contribute financially to a household, I believe you have no right to be annoyed regarding your brother's situation, especially as you managed to cause a rift a few years ago when you weren't even living there. Drop it.

LegacyUser

OP again. Thanks for replies.

Unfortunately moving abroad again isn't a runner for us. There's lots of reasons but we had the option of a job in London but want to settle here. Can't really commute far either as I have to live within a certain distance of my work (contractual) so wouldn't want to be paying for rent plus hotels/B&Bs/rooms. Also not too keen on house-sharing with anyone else; I think once you live together in your own place you get used to it. I guess we'll just have to continue the hunt and be patient for something to come up that people will actually rent to us.

Regarding the brother, I don't think it's unreasonable to be annoyed at him. It's probably not his fault ultimately but I honestly can't believe it how it goes on. When we moved back we of course offered to pay rent to my parents (when I lived at home previously I paid rent when I was working), and because they flat-out refuse, we do other things like contribute to groceries (we buy our own stuff too), cleaning/laundry, cook dinner for everyone twice a week (incl the brother!) and either buy some rounds of drinks out or bottles of wine for the parents.

The problem is he doesn't appreciate things cost money. He eats whatever food, alcohol etc that's in the presses or fridges; drives the family car more than my parents and never puts petrol in it, and just expects everything to be done for him. All the while he is working full-time and earning a wage; not that its my business but god knows what he does with his money but my parents have the impression he has no money!

I of course don't and wouldn't bring it up but I feel sorry for my parents because he really does take the piss (in our eyes) and we think he should do more around the house!

Anyway, guess I just need a rant. I think once we find our own place things will get better! Just have to keep trying and hope for the best!

homerjay2005

stressedpaddy wrote: »

Any words will be appreciated!

i think you are completely over reacting -

first off, your brother shouldnt concern you, you appear to be getting stressed over something here that you shouldnt. if he doesnt want to help around the house, that is his own problem and it shouldnt be getting to you, when you as you said are living their rent free yourself.

as regards the estate agents, they could have 100 people viewing a property, have 10 properties a day to show. do you really think they should contact everybody? they shouldnt and they cant. i think you just need to get over it and move on, if you have not heard from somebody, it means you didnt get it. maybe you are giving off a bad impression or showing signs of stress, which could be giving you a disadvatage of getting the places you want?

also, same goes for the jobs - do you think companies have time to tell people they didnt get a job? they dont.

tldr - you are getting very stressed over things that are so trivial, its almost laughable that you are getting stressed over them. you call it arrogance, i think part of the arrogance is on your side that people should just drop everything and act like you want, now that you are back in ireland.

freshpopcorn

You've got to get over your brother. Does your parents actually act annoyed over him?
I know plenty of parents and they love flapping over there kids for as long as possible.
Also you've been away a good while and need and have no idea what the home situation has been and what your parents might know about your brother. There could be something personal going on that you know nothing about.
Regarding your living arrangements I know a good few people who rented prop ties/got mortgages and it took them all time especially in urban areas when looking for rentals. Have ye tried renting directly off landlords without visiting estate agents?

LegacyUser

homerjay2005 wrote: »

i think you are completely over reacting -

also, same goes for the jobs - do you think companies have time to tell people they didnt get a job? they dont.

Yes they should - it is extremely bad form not to tell people who have spent time and money attending an interview that they haven't been successful. This is something that developed over the last few years when jobs were scarcer and people were desperate for jobs and I think it is terrible.

OP, please stop stressing out over your brother as you have no control over how your parents want to treat them and it will only drive you mad. Continue to do what you do for them and you can do no more. Try to get out & about as much as you can so that you are not in the house on top of everyone. There are cheap nights at the cinema during the week for example and this will give you a bit of space.

You will find somewhere to live but it's going to take time. Perhaps at this stage it might be best to start looking for somewhere to buy as by the time you find somewhere you will have been here the 6 months for bank statements etc.

Best of luck

Rubberchikken

i think that living back home in one room and sharing with others is very stressful and will probably make every other issue seem insurmountable.

tbh you bothe need to get your own place. it's not easy though. the ireland you left 7 years ago probably had tonnes of places for rent andpeople were that bit different.
stories abound of rude estate agents, shortages of property to rent, and would-be-employers who treat would-be employees shabbily.
ireland 2016;(

keep searching for a place. one will show up. accept that your brother is the way he is and that your parents are happy for him to be that way. maybe he'll change as he gets older, but bothering about it is just a waste of energy.

best of luck with house search and job.

Ellie2008

The brother thing I don't get. He was 15 a minor when you left & 7 years later you arrive back & start giving out about how he behaves in your parents house where you are living rent free. What your brother does or doesn't do is between your parents & him & they are 100% correct to tell you where to go if you interfere in my opinion. They are the parents not you & it's not your house.

magneticimpulse

OP I don't think you have any right to be annoyed with your younger brother when you move back home and bring a non family member to stay in the family home rent free! If anything I think your whole family have been nothing but generous to let your girlfriend stay and use everything for free! They owe her nothing. I think your brother has every right to live there and I'm shocked you comment on him using things for free when your girlfriend is using heating, electricity, water, and she is not contributing to tv/Internet/bin charges/property tax/mortgage/washing machine/kitchen/bathroom. It's one thing your parents letting you and your brother stay rent free. I think it's taking the biscuit your girlfriend staying there! The least you can do for your parents is respect your brother - because they are clearly too generous laying your girlfriend stay rent free. I don't think you two buying your own food/washing powder covers your arrangement by any means.

You two should really find a house share or rent your own place.

homerjay2005

30999 wrote: »

Yes they should - it is extremely bad form not to tell people who have spent time and money attending an interview that they haven't been successful.

it has always been like that.

pookie82

Unfortunately moving abroad again isn't a runner for us.

Well then you have no choice but to stay here and suck it up, I'm afraid. You're very lucky that your parents can offer accommodation for free in any proximity to your work. I wish I had that luxury - my home and job are a country apart.

There's lots of reasons but we had the option of a job in London but want to settle here. Can't really commute far either as I have to live within a certain distance of my work (contractual) so wouldn't want to be paying for rent plus hotels/B&Bs/rooms. Also not too keen on house-sharing with anyone else; I think once you live together in your own place you get used to it. I guess we'll just have to continue the hunt and be patient for something to come up that people will actually rent to us.


You're saying "no" to everything that's been suggested here, I'm not sure how we can help you. Living alone together in the most expensive city in the country comes at a steep cost. I assume you're in Dublin given your description of the rental market? It's been like this for years - back in 2011 (middle of the recession) when apartment hunting in Dublin with my partner, we showed up to multiple viewings with deposits in our hands that weren't accepted and were never contacted about it again. Estate agents have very little time or inclination to chase potential renters and give explanations once a property has been let. It sucks but this is life. You have to just keep plugging away until something comes up. At least you have the luxury of living at home and can wait for the right place; imagine if you were under pressure to be out of somewhere else and hunting in a panic like many!

I of course don't and wouldn't bring it up but I feel sorry for my parents because he really does take the piss (in our eyes) and we think he should do more around the house!

I don't think you or your gf should be expressing an opinion on this one way or another. It's certainly NONE of her business and very little of yours. Unless he comes to you asking for money to get by, it's between him and your parents how he lives his life under their roof, and letting it niggle away at you will only add to your general discontent.

Your frustration with the employment situation, I get. Whatever about applications, it's basic manners to let someone know the outcome of a position once they have travelled for an interview, prepped for it, shown up and sat through an hour or more of gruelling.

Has your gf given these job interviews enough "time" before deciding they weren't successful? Many companies run various rounds of interviews, and won't inform all candidates that the role has been filled until the employed person has signed a contract, which could be months after first interviews, when you take into account the time and admin of second/third rounds, offers, negotiations, and signings. I guess what I'm saying is, you could sit an interview and not know for 6 to 8 weeks or more if you're still in the running or not, depending on how many are being interviewed. But it is rude not to inform you when you're out of the running so that you can focus on something else.

LegacyUser

homerjay2005 wrote: »

it has always been like that.

No it hasn't and I speak from experience. Maybe I'm a bit older than you but it used to be the case that people received a response either way after attending an interview to let them know the outcome. I have been job hunting at various stages over the past 20 years in various sectors and it's definitely only in the past 7 or 8 years that not replying to people has become the norm.

OP it's a hard adjustment to make coming back to Ireland again and on top of that living back home. It will take time but eventually it will settle down. In the meantime concentrate on you and your girlfriends lives as your brothers living arrangements don't really concern you.

whiskeyman

Hang in there as best you can.
Once you find your own place, a lot of that stress will go and you'll enjoy yourselves a lot more.
Looking for somewhere to live, even rental, can be extremely stressful, and these days it's nuts.
As you have the opportunity to be rent free, are you in the position to be able to buy somewhere in the coming months, or is the plan to move out asap?

Wompa1

janryblues wrote: »

No it hasn't and I speak from experience. Maybe I'm a bit older than you but it used to be the case that people received a response either way after attending an interview to let them know the outcome. I have been job hunting at various stages over the past 20 years in various sectors and it's definitely only in the past 7 or 8 years that not replying to people has become the norm.

OP it's a hard adjustment to make coming back to Ireland again and on top of that living back home. It will take time but eventually it will settle down. In the meantime concentrate on you and your girlfriends lives as your brothers living arrangements don't really concern you.

Rented in Ireland from 2003 to 2012. It depended completely on the landlord or agent whether they contacted back. I applied for about 50 jobs around 2007, just before things went boom. I received word back on 3 of them.

It didn't bother me either way. If I didn't receive a response, I just assumed they didn't want me. No big deal.