Rollercoaster Relationship

Asylum15

Hi all,

new here and just out of a complicated, emotionally draining and soul destroying relationship with a girl I was mad about. Since the situation was not a 'common' one, I just thought I'd share my experience and seek feedback or any advice. I thank you all in advance. A short introduction to me, I'm 23, almost a qualified Biomedical Engineer.

Back in August, I was in the midst of enjoying the 'single' life, but was on the lookout for something more serious/committed. One night stands etc don't interest me, but rather a flaming connection. (I had never been in love before.) I had went on 1-2 dates with women, but they were a disaster, no real connection and little investment from them, even though they found me very attractive. (It happens.) Anyway, after a few weeks of floating about, working on myself (Gym, music etc), it was suggested to me to try Tinder. I immediately declined, since I viewed it as a 'hook-up' app, not a place where I'd meet the girl of my dreams. Anyways, one night out of boredom after a long day, I downloaded it, and lone behold, I matched with a girl that would become my girlfriend for the next 4 months. She was 19.

We begun on Tinder chat etc, and I quickly suggested we move to WhatsApp, and speak to one another to make it more personal, and whatnot. We exchanged voicemails etc frequently, and in our FIRST WhatsApp ever, she found me so attractive (I verbally tried to turn her on slightly, more playfully sexual than anything), she begun to do things to herself while talking to me. When this ended, there was 1-2 days silence before I reinitiated contact. It seemed that doing this was a big deal to her, something she claims, ''she couldn't believe she'd do.'' My aim as a man in this situation was to meet her face to face ASAP, and sit down like adults to see if there was anything there between us. Now, we WhatsApp'd for the first time on July 12th, and it was August 4th before we went on a date! Incredible right? I felt she had no interest in me after the first week and almost left, but her continued expressions of interest made me think maybe this was an exceptional circumstance. She went on a 1 week holiday with her friends, and we WhatsApp'd everyday during that too, we were constantly connected. Just a good chemistry, same humour and positive vibes.

By the time our first date came around, we knew a lot about each other, only thing missing was the physical part, and face to face contact. Now, she had told me two things just before our date; she was a virgin, and she hated holding hands (bad experience with her first boyfriend). When we met, the first thing I did, was hold her hand, it fitted like a glove and she smiled and said it felt comfortable, almost weirdly. Right from the start, we connected. Our first date was a 8 ball pool date, lots of flirting and push/pulling. She had told me one thing that attracted her most about a man was a guy who took control, both in life/bedroom. For this reason, I purposely didn't kiss her inside the pool place. Instead when we walked the street outside after we left, I decided to cut her off mid conversation, grab her arm and push her (not roughly) against the wall, and slowly go in for a kiss, stopping at 90% to let her come the other 10%, which she more than did! Hell of a first kiss, right? We kissed more times around the city, before I invited her back to my place.

I didn't expect sex if I'm totally honest, I just wanted more time with her. I didn't want to pressure her, and infact didn't even suggest or bring it up. We were both lying in my bed chatting about penguins or the colour red or some craziness! I was preparing to sleep, when she went to the bathroom. When she came back, she said, ''I'm ready.'' Incredibly, she has chosen me as the guy to lose her virginity to. We had sex (incredibly good), and the following day we went to a zoo on a date. The connection was on fire, and quickly we became a couple.

So everything is going well, right? After 2 months, she was in my house one day, lying on my bed, and she turned to me with a pale, emotionless expression, before telling me that her father physically abused her as a child, and her 3 other sisters too. He took it so far as to almost kill her on one occasion, and worse again, after all the court proceedings, he was allowed to remain living in the house, a home she told me she hates, and feels totally unsafe and isolated in. Her relationship with her sisters is one of distrust and is argumentative to say the least. It was a deep thing to tell me, but instead of worrying, I reassured her I would always support her, and give her all the space she needed. At this moment, I can't describe why, but we both fell in love. I was the one to say it to her, and she accepted it joyfully. It seemed that at that moment, everything would be ok. Unfortunately, as the days progressed, she complained more and more about things. Her best friend left for the USA, and her other closest friend completely unfriended her over an argument, and never spoke to her again. She felt she had no 'real' friends, and combine this with a college course she dropped out of, and a job she hated, she grew more unhappy. The sweet, warm, innocent girl I fell in love with, became saddened, resentful and more and more difficult to reason with. Our love making was still incredible, our dates brilliant, we cuddled, and loved each other definitively every time we met, for every second, but things were not all well in her life, and I would dare say, in her head.

The roller coaster truly begun about 2 months into things. We had went out with her friends and my friends to a nightclub. We had a lot of fun, and went back to my friend's apartment to sleep. After a great night, I woke to her looking at me with that same pale, emotionless, guilty face, before she told me, ''We have to break up, it's going to get worse, the stuff with dad etc.'' - I was shocked, stunned, world thrown upside down. But I once more reassured her that it didn't bother me, I wouldn't run away, or abandon her. After I shed quite a few tears, she wrote it off as a 'panic,' and said she was sorry and she 'needed' to see how I would react. Thinking things would be ok, it wasn't even 3 weeks later, she WhatsApp'd me in class to tell me she wanted a break. She ''didnt feel like her'' anymore, and stated a lot of things she wasn't happy with such as me being controlling (I honestly couldn't ever see how this was true, since I encouraged her to go out, even clubbing with her friends which most guys feel insecure about, I helped her find her college, and much more.), not getting on with her friends (which she herself talked negatively behind their backs about), and a range of other excuses that made no sense. A second panic? I once more pleaded, and after a day of no contact, she messaged me to say, ''any chance you want me to be your girlfriend again? :P''

It was a second hugely emotionally abusive ride. It's incredible to lose someone, lose that 'love' and be left with a hole, but for it to have happened twice in such a short period was truly draining for me, but due to her past, her mental damage, it seemed it wasn't even occurring to her that this was the case. I said yes to her, and we returned to normal, but at this point, my trust was slightly damaged, and my heart was on edge. Incredibly, a 3rd breakup came just after Halloween. I had decided that in her depressed state over college, work, and friends, I would remind her how much I cared. One day, I finished college early, and got 14 sheets of paper. On 13 of these, I wrote about a quality of hers I loved, and had a little jokey type thing at the end. On the 14th note, I wrote a poem about her and how much I cared. I then decided to go to a place she had brought me one time, a rundown mill by a river, it was her 'special' place as a kid. I walked 14 miles (yes 14 miles), with a college bag on my back, and crap shoes to this spot, almost being killed my traffic numerous times to the spot. I hid the 14 notes around the mill, for her to find. I got home a few hours later, and Facebook'd her to tell her where they were. I didn't expect anything in return, it was simply a gesture to brighten her spirits. How did she react?

The following day, while in college again, she messaged me to tell me, ''I don't want this anymore, it's too much pressure, too much at 19. Your amazing, best boyfriend ever, but I'm just not other girls, I have no emotions.'' - As you can imagine, my head was shook, and I was absolutely baffled. How can a girl ask to break up when you show her such compassion? I once more pleaded, but it was useless. She was certain and we went out of contact for a few days. Honestly, I was in shock, and couldn't even think, or do anything constructive. On the Saturday night of that week, she went out (''single'') and when approached by men, she felt uncomfortable and unnatural. That night she text me apologetically, and asked if we could be together again. At this point, my emotions etc were so skewed and my head so distorted I agreed again, but I requested that we had to change things or we'd end up in a loop. I told her she needed therapy, and we needed to sort out the balance between my expression/loving care and the space between us. She agreed, and we got back together, and it seemed a GREAT decision! No issues for weeks, and closer than ever. As far as I knew she WASNT getting therapy, but it seemed she was finally relaxed and my more 'hands off' approach to the love thing was working well.

However, around mid-December, I felt that she was being distant out of the blue. She had turned down 3 dates in a row, and hadn't asked to see me for over 10 days. She was still in contact, but said it was due to being busy. (She did mind her sisters kids as well as work.) However, since I was doing engineering final exams, my time was even more limited, and I felt it was unfair if I could make even an hour to see her in 14 days, she couldn't do the same. I confronted her, and we ended up having a huge argument. She claimed she 'wasn't the emotional type that invests etc,' and having gone to her to be gentle and ask nicely, 'is everything ok, could you invest a little more,' it turned into a serious fight where some insults were thrown. I threatened to leave (had zero intention) and she then broke up again. 4th time, and feeling like an idiot. However, I had to communicate my dissatisfaction with her. I loved her to pieces, and every minute together was magical, we were like soul mates in terms of how we were like 2 best friends, in a relationship. She broke up with me on the 21st of December, horrible timing, just before I got time off college, and all the events/parties we had lined up. I was heartbroken I wouldn't spend New Years with her and more. I pleaded for almost 10 days for her to reconsider, but unfortunately, she wouldn't. I became angry about how I'd been treated and then insulted her, calling her manipulative, and more. She came to me many times saying, ''I miss you, what am I going to do without you?'' Yet, when I suggested she rethink her decision, she got defensive and distant. A horrible mind-trick that put me all over the place.

In the midst of insults and arguments, she told me that she WAS getting therapy, and had been the entire month we were together. The therapist said she was 'deep in depression.' Not sure why she kept it from me, it would have been beneficial to tell me I think, in terms of adjusting my behaviours etc, allowing her more space. Anyways, the therapist APPARENTLY told her she needed to ''do this alone,'' and ''work her herself first.'' - While understandable, it was just so hard to take for me. I'd given everything and lost it all. Probably my first mistake.

Anyway, she stuck with her decision, and even told me to not contact her anymore as she needs, ''time to breathe.'' - I've unfortunately broken the rule, and reached out 2-3 times. Going from deep in love, to no-contact in 14 days is incredibly hard, especially when I'm the person being left. I've since made an effort to block her Facebook, WhatsApp, SnapChat and more, but the itch is ever prevalent. I really loved this girl, and having been with many women, she was by far the most special one to me.

So what do you think? Was I crazy to keep going back? Should I go no contact and just forget her? Like many on here, I still wish that if she got her mental state in a better place, we could work. She often said to me, ''you'll be the man who has my children, I know it.'' Immature words, possibly, but it hits hard with me.

What should I do from here? it's been 2 days since we contacted each other, and I'm very down, and energy less, and emotionless right now.

Sorry for the length of the thread, but I needed to get it off my chest.

njs030

Goodness op that's a lot of analysing of a very short relationship!!

When someone breaks up with you it's best to accept it and start trying to heal, she clearly has some serious problems and has told you multiple times she doesn't want a relationship. Let her go, don't sit around waiting for a woman to treat you badly.

Also op 4 months is nothing at your age. After that short a time it should be fun and exciting not despair and pain. Honestly just move on.

Taboola

Block her and delete her number.

I don't know what I found more disturbing about your post; the length of it for such a short relationship or the fact that you keep making yourself out to be a golden god and a perfect boyfriend. You are obviously not right for each other so move on.

Penny Tration

Okay, she's obviously messed up, but you don't sound like you were healthy in the relationship either!

The level of dependency, despair, and downright obessiveness (that poem and good qualities hidden around the place was actually creepy and horribly intense) in your post is a little scary.

Neither of you sound ready for any kind of relationship. You must have some serious self esteem issues to keep trying to get her back and to take her back four times in four months.

It's time to move on.

Asylum15

Penny Tration wrote: »

Okay, she's obviously messed up, but you don't sound like you were healthy in the relationship either!

The level of dependency, despair, and downright obessiveness (that poem and good qualities hidden around the place was actually creepy and horribly intense) in your post is a little scary.

Neither of you sound ready for any kind of relationship. You must have some serious self esteem issues to keep trying to get her back and to take her back four times in four months.

It's time to move on.

Creepy really? She wasn't 'creeped' out, it was a simple gesture.

Maybe intense, I get that.

Penny Tration

Asylum15 wrote: »

Creepy really? She wasn't 'creeped' out, it was a simple gesture.

Maybe intense, I get that.

That much effort isn't a "simple gesture." a simple gesture is a card with a poem you wrote, a CD of her favourite songs, a book she likes, etc.

It's the intensity of it that's creepy. if my boyfriend when I was 19 had done that, I'd have run a mile. Tbh I think if my boyfriend now (I'm 26) did it, I'd have a chat with him about chilling out and just being normal!

DukeOfTheSharp

Avoid her at all costs. She's come from a home where emotional and physical abuse is rife, and the fact is that even at 19, she shouldn't be involved with anyone until she deals with her issues. The fact that she had these moments of intense panic and trauma show that she isn't able to deal with them.

Look, after 4 months, if you got sucked into something that intense, you're in an emotionally abusive relationship. The fact that she kept cutting you down and re-engaging in the relationship at her discretion shows that. She has a myriad of problems and won't deal with them, but humanizes herself more and more to you in blind panic - and that's completely and totally unfair. You backed her, but it doesn't matter to her, you had your use, she got it out of you, she left. You can't control the actions of an unstable person, especially when they act as if you're the greatest thing to ever happen to them, yet they treat you like dirt. Take it from someone who was in something like this for years: get the hell out. Run far away from her, cut all contact, if she ever makes contact again ignore her. Block her number and all social media. She's an emotional abuser and she learned it from her life growing up, that's how she thinks affection is conveyed, and however twisted that might be, it's how abusers act. She messed with your head, made you co-dependent, cut communication, tried to end things but then didn't, ended things and then shepherded you back into the fold. This was always going to be the case. Again, I've been there. It's not normal or healthy, it's the sign of a very unstable and sick person who'll make your life a complete misery. Your best bet at this point is to get some counselling and move on, these kind of relationships tend to make you feel crazy, but trust me when I say you're not, you've been unfortunate enough to engage with someone who was abusive, manipulated you and you couldn't leave. The drama, the 'love' and all of that crap you've experienced? It's not worth it. Get some help for yourself and do yourself one major favour: find someone stable and uncomplicated. Relationships are always better when you're not dealing with intensity, normalcy and consistency make a great relationship, but not this horrific experience you've had.

Just a quick edit: posters are right about this undertone of doing things for her equaling affection. Did you deserve to be treated better? Yes. But you're never owed anything. You do good for good's sake. I'm still putting it down to the overall ridiculousness of the relationship messing with your mind, but I'd still ask you to get some counselling. What you were part of wasn't healthy and coming down from something like this can damage you irreparably if you let certain feelings fester.

desertcircus

The relationship is over. Forget about her.

And for the love of God, don't think that someone owes you their affection. There's an unpleasant undertone of "look at everything I did for her" going on in a lot of what you've written. Just because you do something "for her" doesn't mean she's under any obligation to be grateful.

Lastly: you are wildly over-egging a fairly short and messy relationship.

Shrap

Asylum15 wrote: »

Creepy really? She wasn't 'creeped' out, it was a simple gesture.

Maybe intense, I get that.

SUPER intense and not necessarily in a good way OP, but you are only 23 so have some calming down to do (and then some). In the meantime, I think you should write a bonk-buster about a somewhat more mainstream relationship than 50 shades. You'll make a fortune.

Asylum15

Penny Tration wrote: »

That much effort isn't a "simple gesture." a simple gesture is a card with a poem you wrote, a CD of her favourite songs, a book she likes, etc.

It's the intensity of it that's creepy. if my boyfriend when I was 19 had done that, I'd have run a mile. Tbh I think if my boyfriend now (I'm 26) did it, I'd have a chat with him about chilling out and just being normal!

I take your point.

Asylum15

desertcircus wrote: »

The relationship is over. Forget about her.

And for the love of God, don't think that someone owes you their affection. There's an unpleasant undertone of "look at everything I did for her" going on in a lot of what you've written. Just because you do something "for her" doesn't mean she's under any obligation to be grateful.

Lastly: you are wildly over-egging a fairly short and messy relationship.

Double post, apologies. It wasn't my intention to sound like I was 'owed,' anything. Wiser writing, with less emotion attached might have been better.

Thanks for the feedback.

Shrap

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

Relationships are always better when you're not dealing with intensity

This much is true. I'm feeling slightly ancient now in the posting company of a number of intense young wans for whom everything seems to be do or die/burn out/lay life and soul on the line, so I'm here to tell you that it does ease off with age! After we've all done this intensity once or twice too many, IMO we start to recognise that the slow burn is perhaps not so intense but is longer lasting, economical, efficient and perhaps healthier.

Jaysus, I feel old just saying that, but perhaps you'll all take it from someone who's been as foolish as the next young wan and learned my lesson

Edit: Very much hope this doesn't sound condescending in any way. Emotions are hard. Hard work to manage and maintain. Sometimes they give grief, other times great joy. Often we're damaged by what we've felt and done in accordance with them, but they're absolutely what makes us who we are and they're a lifelong challenge in our relationships. I nearly envy you for the intensity of your feelings....but I wouldn't go back there, that's all. Take it handy lads

Asylum15

Shrap wrote: »

This much is true. I'm feeling slightly ancient now in the posting company of a number of intense young wans for whom everything seems to be do or die/burn out/lay life and soul on the line, so I'm here to tell you that it does ease off with age! After we've all done this intensity once or twice too many, IMO we start to recognise that the slow burn is perhaps not so intense but is longer lasting, economical, efficient and perhaps healthier.

Jaysus, I feel old just saying that, but perhaps you'll all take it from someone who's been as foolish as the next young wan and learned my lesson

Edit: Very much hope this doesn't sound condescending in any way. Emotions are hard. Hard work to manage and maintain. Sometimes they give grief, other times great joy. Often we're damaged by what we've felt and done in accordance with them, but they're absolutely what makes us who we are and they're a lifelong challenge in our relationships. I nearly envy you for the intensity of your feelings....but I wouldn't go back there, that's all. Take it handy lads

Thank you for the wisdom.

silverbolt

Asylum15 wrote: »

So what do you think? Was I crazy to keep going back? Should I go no contact and just forget her? Like many on here, I still wish that if she got her mental state in a better place, we could work. She often said to me, ''you'll be the man who has my children, I know it.'' Immature words, possibly, but it hits hard with me.

What should I do from here? it's been 2 days since we contacted each other, and I'm very down, and energy less, and emotionless right now.

Sorry for the length of the thread, but I needed to get it off my chest.

Crazy? No, you werent crazy you were in love (however a whirlwind that may have been) and you should never feel bad for loving someone.

You tried OP and that says a lot.

But in saying that. How many times are you going to let her rip your heart out of your chest? Despite her issues she is learning one thing about you. That she can treat you as bad as she likes and you will keep coming back for more. Even with her depression there comes a point when this behaviour is tantamount to abuse.

I know its hard but i think your well out of it from this woman. Until she finds herself again and her self worth, this is a cycle tat is going to repeat over and over again and can affect your health even further.

Now in regards to your behaviour - you really go indepth into how intense this relationship was and it lasted what? Four months? Thats a deep level there. THe cards and the notes - thats just - too much. Sorry but it is. You waaaay over extended yourself. Next time step back and smell the roses first.

But like Shrap im a bit of an old one myself lol.

Asylum15

silverbolt wrote: »

Crazy? No, you werent crazy you were in love (however a whirlwind that may have been) and you should never feel bad for loving someone.

You tried OP and that says a lot.

But in saying that. How many times are you going to let her rip your heart out of your chest? Despite her issues she is learning one thing about you. That she can treat you as bad as she likes and you will keep coming back for more. Even with her depression there comes a point when this behaviour is tantamount to abuse.

I know its hard but i think your well out of it from this woman. Until she finds herself again and her self worth, this is a cycle tat is going to repeat over and over again and can affect your health even further.

Now in regards to your behaviour - you really go indepth into how intense this relationship was and it lasted what? Four months? Thats a deep level there. THe cards and the notes - thats just - too much. Sorry but it is. You waaaay over extended yourself. Next time step back and smell the roses first.

But like Shrap im a bit of an old one myself lol.

Much to learn, thank you for your feedback.

ja1986

Wow I am exhausted after reading that ! Give her the space she's looking for ,take a break for your own mental health x

Shrap

Asylum15 wrote: »

Much to learn

Maybe, but this is refreshing to see you say You'd be amazed at how many people take huge exception to anyone telling them they've been a bit dramatic, even when they're here looking for opinions.

And you're not alone. About 25 years ago, I once received a dozen poems and a 20+ page analysis of how I'd broken this Eng Lit student's heart. On the upside, going by your OP, you're a better writer. I meant what I said about the bonk-buster!

Hope you start to feel better about all the emotional turmoil soon. Be kind to yourself, ok?

gothic_doll

This post reminds me of 'thezoepost' from 2014.

Similar traits: Very short, immature relationship which progressed very quickly, perception of uniqueness due to it being the first experience one of the parties had of this, perception of soul mates, personal confessions about family, lots of frequent breakups, getting sexual very early, reportedly great sex, very emotional, lots of over analysing from the boy, and so on.

Importantly, there is no real appreciation that the reason she is behaving like this is -not- because she's a 'manic pixie dream girl' or finds you insanely attractive, but because she is emotionally damaged from her upbringing. She even admitted this to you several times. Read thezoepost again if you have already.

For her, you may serve as a fantastical escape from her problems, but she is not emotionally strong enough to have a real relationship, with you or anyone right now. She needs to heal and grow as a person first. She's only 19.

The overly emotional neediness makes you feel desirable and special, but is actually a result of her emotional damage, which you are not able to fix on the short time scale within which you are operating.

Example:

Asylum15 wrote: »

Like many on here, I still wish that if she got her mental state in a better place, we could work. She often said to me, ''you'll be the man who has my children, I know it.'' Immature words, possibly, but it hits hard with me.

What should I do from here? it's been 2 days since we contacted each other, and I'm very down, and energy less, and emotionless right now.

First bolded bit: You are not prepared to help her. You expect her to help herself.
Second bolded line: Your perception of time is so skewed you think a 2 day silence is an eternity.


You are too young and inexperienced in life to help her at this point. And it sounds like you never really tried, and merely focused on the perception of romance in the situation.

It all seems exciting on the face of it, but this kind of romance will only ever be temporary due to the root cause of the behaviour. What you described is actually not normal. Imagine going through all that for ten years. Breaking up 20 times a year. You'd both be in a home from the stress.

stop animal cruelty

Gothic-girl have u a link for the Zoe post?

gothic_doll

stop animal cruelty wrote: »

Gothic-girl have u a link for the Zoe post?

It's http://thezoepost.wordpress.com

DukeOfTheSharp

That whole 'zoepost' thing is kind of nonsensical, thought so at the time and still do now. There are a lot of factors at play in any real relationship, but it doesn't match the current experience of the OP. It stems from a place of anger (the guy who wrote it actively engaged in harassment of his ex) and exists in a hyperbolic space where the person who does the most crap-talking is, in the end, the person with the biggest abuse problem.

Op, your ex had many, many problems, the intensity increased exponentially, and you got swept up in it. Most importantly, we have a situation where your ex was young, dealing with emotional abuse, and since it was her only understanding of conveying affection, it's all she knew how to do. Sure she had moments of clarity, but she didn't continue with them. I'm sorry you had to go through such a turbulent time, she shouldn't have acted the way she did, but it's done now and you need to move forward knowing that you need a more solid sense of self to avoid these kinds of situations. Avoid the girl, let her get better, with time she'll shed her current mentality, but neither of you can make this work. There's just too much there.

Asylum15

gothic_doll wrote: »

This post reminds me of 'thezoepost' from 2014.

Similar traits: Very short, immature relationship which progressed very quickly, perception of uniqueness due to it being the first experience one of the parties had of this, perception of soul mates, personal confessions about family, lots of frequent breakups, getting sexual very early, reportedly great sex, very emotional, lots of over analysing from the boy, and so on.

Importantly, there is no real appreciation that the reason she is behaving like this is -not- because she's a 'manic pixie dream girl' or finds you insanely attractive, but because she is emotionally damaged from her upbringing. She even admitted this to you several times. Read thezoepost again if you have already.

For her, you may serve as a fantastical escape from her problems, but she is not emotionally strong enough to have a real relationship, with you or anyone right now. She needs to heal and grow as a person first. She's only 19.

The overly emotional neediness makes you feel desirable and special, but is actually a result of her emotional damage, which you are not able to fix on the short time scale within which you are operating.

Example:

First bolded bit: You are not prepared to help her. You expect her to help herself.
Second bolded line: Your perception of time is so skewed you think a 2 day silence is an eternity.


You are too young and inexperienced in life to help her at this point. And it sounds like you never really tried, and merely focused on the perception of romance in the situation.

It all seems exciting on the face of it, but this kind of romance will only ever be temporary due to the root cause of the behaviour. What you described is actually not normal. Imagine going through all that for ten years. Breaking up 20 times a year. You'd both be in a home from the stress.

I find parts of this completely unfair. I was more than willing to help her. But I am not a therapist. I encouraged her to see herself in a more positive light, and that help was available. I encouraged her to exercise etc, to get her spirit into motion instead of spending hours at home with only thoughts to process.

Edit: I spoke with a therapist yesterday who told me she was more than likely a case of a BPD suffer. (Borderline Personality Disorder.) He then went on to mention all the traits I did in the OP (numerous breakups, hot/cold emotions, black/white thinking etc) Having read online about BPD relationships, it's opened my eyes wide.

I encourage anyone who's had a similar experience to read about BPD relationships online.

Taboola

Asylum15 wrote: »

Edit: I spoke with a therapist yesterday who told me she was more than likely a case of a BPD suffer. (Borderline Personality Disorder.) He then went on to mention all the traits I did in the OP (numerous breakups, hot/cold emotions, black/white thinking etc) Having read online about BPD relationships, it's opened my eyes wide.

I encourage anyone who's had a similar experience to read about BPD relationships online.

I think you should get a new therapist.

Your therapist shouldn't be diagnosing someone who isn't their patient and talking to you about it.

Asylum15

Taboola wrote: »

I think you should get a new therapist.

Your therapist shouldn't be diagnosing someone who isn't their patient and talking to you about it.

It's not my therapist, but he just connected some dots/traits.

No need to be cynical.

Taboola

Asylum15 wrote: »

It's not my therapist, but he just connected some dots/traits.

No need to be cynical.

I'm not being cynical. As a medical professional it is very unprofessional to give opinions on someones metal health/personality to a third party.

njs030

Asylum15 wrote: »

It's not my therapist, but he just connected some dots/traits.

No need to be cynical.

I don't think the other poster was incorrect, bpd like all mental illnesses is too complex for a diagnosis without full information which can only be given by the patient.
Presumably this is someone you know as you said it's not your own therapist and I doubt any reputable professional would give discuss someone's health with a stranger.

Be very careful about what you're doing as it sounds awfully to like you're trying to find reasons for her behaviour and ways to fix her which isn't your job.
She isn't capable of having an adult relationship and the only person who can make her better is herself op.

Asylum15

notjustsweet wrote: »

I don't think the other poster was incorrect, bpd like all mental illnesses is too complex for a diagnosis without full information which can only be given by the patient.
Presumably this is someone you know as you said it's not your own therapist and I doubt any reputable professional would give discuss someone's health with a stranger.

Be very careful about what you're doing as it sounds awfully to like you're trying to find reasons for her behaviour and ways to fix her which isn't your job.
She isn't capable of having an adult relationship and the only person who can make her better is herself op.

Understood. Thanks to everyone for the feedback in this thread.

astonaidan

Asylum15 wrote: »

[quoting walls of text like this makes it next to impossible for our mobile posters to read or help - please only quote the relevent points you wish to support or comment on]

I hate when at the end of the movie the couple doesnt get back together.
Honestly dude, 100% your fault, you have smothered this girl with attention she didnt deserve, you said youve been with many girls, their is no way this is true or you would realise none of this ott romantic nonsense works.
Plus I think Nicholas Sparks has copywritten your life, you should check infringement laws

beks101

Your only crime is being young and inexperienced and perhaps a bit too gooey-eyed to see what was right in front of you tbh.

It's not your job to fix your (ex) girlfriend and it's no premise on which to build a relationship. She's younger, still growing emotionally, mentally, spiritually and still trying to build her own identity after what sounds like a lot of stress and abuse in her earlier years.

All those issues aside, I remember being 19 too. I had a Partridge Family upbringing and was still a bit immature, flaky, wishy washy, non-committal and black-and-white a about everything at that age. You're still figuring out who you are and where you fit in the world, and that's without accounting for the litany of mistreatment your ex seems to be dealing with. Sometimes it's not the best time for relationships and all the commitment and responsibility for someone else's happiness that comes with them.

Next time, don't rush in. Stay compos mentis even when they seem like the best thing since sliced bread. Don't be seduced by the compliments and affections and emotions and don't be blinded by lust and misled by drama, which seems to translate as "this person cares" when you're young and new to relationships. In the real world it denotes emotional immaturity and self-centredness. It signifies personality issues and problems ahead. A healthy relationship with the right partner will not look like a series script from Dawson's Creek, it will be like living in a safe, steady, warm place you can call home; a place where you both want the best for each other and want to make each other's lives as comfortable as possible. Not a place where you're on edge all the time. Wondering if that person loves or hates you that day. Wondering whether or not you will break up again today.

Draw a line under it and move on. You gave it a shot and it didn't work out. That's what dating is all about. Putting yourself out there and learning from your mistakes. Falling in love, getting your heart ripped out of your chest and served up on a plate to you and learning not to jump the gun again until you've more evidence that it's actually a good idea. You'll look back in ten years with so much clarity on all of this.