Worried about friend

Witchie

One of my best friends is a carer for her mother and father. Her father is in his mid 90's and in general good health, just a little forgetful really but her mum is in an advanced stage of Parkinsons.

The reason I worry is that this girl has given everything up to look after them and her 3 brothers do very little to help. In fairness to one of them he lives in America so not a lot he can do, but one lives right next door and the other about 20 minutes away.

It is so frustrating to see her life disappear. She is in her early 40's, has no prospect of finding a partner or having kids which she desperately wants, but as she rarely gets to leave the house without her mum, she has no way to meet anyone and if she did meet someone it would probably flounder as she has so much responsibility to deal with.

I have tried to encourage her to look into a day centre and even get one day a week to herself so that maybe she could do a course to retrain, as one day she will need to go back into the workforce and it is unlikely she will be able to go back into the field she trained in.

She clams up at the mention of it and can get quite angry at me so I hate doing it but feel that she is going to end up dead with the stress or get seriously depressed. I already think she is drinking on her own pretty much every night.

I would be fairly good friends with one of her brothers and he is the only one that does really help out from time to time to give her a night out but as he has 2 small kids and works hard every day it is kinda hard for him to do much. I have spoken to him a few times and told him I am worried and that maybe as a family they need to sit down and look at some alternatives for at least part of the time.

My friend hasn't put her mum in respite in 2 years and when she does, it is only for a week and she goes to see her mum and sit with her pretty much everyday. She says she doesn't want to put her mum into a home or even respite coz her mum cries when she goes.

Basically I am asking for advice on any way that I can help my friend. Is there a good way to approach this and try to help her see that by being a martyr like this she is really not doing anyone any favours and I think, if her mum's mind was well enough, she would be angry that she has thrown her life away.

Am really getting worried that she is very depressed.

Dee01

Hi OP, From your post, I think you have made your feelings about your friends situation clear to her. She has rebuffed your suggestions and makes it clear she doesn't want to talk about it.

Unfortunately, that's all you can do. You can't force her to have a family meeting to arrange a caring schedule that will help her, nor can you force her to send either of her parents to respite. I know how frustrating it is (in similar position myself. Regarding the drinking... She's probably bored and looking fon escape. Can she get out in the evenings for a couple of hours? Maybe you could go walking/cinema/meal some evenings?

All you can do is be there to support her if she looks for advice or help.

LeeLooLee

Your poor friend, this sounds like such a stressful situation. On one hand, I can understand her actions - her parents obviously need caring for, and nobody else seems willing to step up and do it. It's understandable that she doesn't want to put them in a home. On the other hand, is it possible that she's sort of using the situation as an excuse to avoid working on her own life?

Emme

OP, what would happen if your friend's health breaks down under the strain of it all? If she is drinking alone at night this could happen sooner rather than later especially she won't seek or accept help. I know you have spoken to one of her brothers about this but perhaps you should mention that you are worried about your friend's mental health. You didn't mention the other brother who lives 20 minutes away but would it be possible for them to help out once a week so your friend can get out? They might not fully understand what your friend has to deal with and if they helped for one night they might get a better idea of it.

I know they may have family and responsibilities of their own but surely they can get a babysitter or leave the children with their partners for a night so their sister can get out. If your friend is very fatigued or depressed she might make irrational decisions because of the pressure. Her brothers need to appreciate this.

It could literally be a matter of life and death for her.

If their sister crumbles under the pressure of it all they would have to find solutions anyway.

Think of it this way. Your friend has given up all hope of having children of her own. When she gets older she will have nobody to help care for her (not that we should expect children to give everything up to care for us). She may or may not find a partner but it will be difficult for her when she is finally free to do so. She will find it difficult to get back into the workforce and support herself. In the meantime her two brothers have incomes and families of their own. Your friend is probably so worn down from it all she can't see the wood from the trees and has more than likely been "groomed" by the family as a carer for her parents since childhood.

I know she would have to agree to it herself but counseling or therapy might help her deal with things and find constructive solutions to the situation.

Witchie

Dee01 wrote: »

Hi OP, From your post, I think you have made your feelings about your friends situation clear to her. She has rebuffed your suggestions and makes it clear she doesn't want to talk about it.

Unfortunately, that's all you can do. You can't force her to have a family meeting to arrange a caring schedule that will help her, nor can you force her to send either of her parents to respite. I know how frustrating it is (in similar position myself. Regarding the drinking... She's probably bored and looking fon escape. Can she get out in the evenings for a couple of hours? Maybe you could go walking/cinema/meal some evenings?

All you can do is be there to support her if she looks for advice or help.

She was able to come out for dinner last week with some school friends but that is the first time she was out in months, possibly since June. She goes to bingo once a week but that is to take her dad to keep his mind active, not coz she wants to and the brother next door (actually more his wife) makes a song and dance about having to mind her mum for the few hours every second week as the other brother does it the other weeks.

Unless her brothers mind her mum she can't go anywhere.

LeeLooLee wrote: »

Your poor friend, this sounds like such a stressful situation. On one hand, I can understand her actions - her parents obviously need caring for, and nobody else seems willing to step up and do it. It's understandable that she doesn't want to put them in a home. On the other hand, is it possible that she's sort of using the situation as an excuse to avoid working on her own life?

I think this is a big part of the problem now. She has been caring for them for 10 years , possibly more now and I think sge feels scared of the world outside of this. Which adds to my worries coz when her parents die or go into a home she will then be dealing with the grief as well as trying to figure out what to do with her life.

Emme wrote: »

OP, what would happen if your friend's health breaks down under the strain of it all? If she is drinking alone at night this could happen sooner rather than later especially she won't seek or accept help. I know you have spoken to one of her brothers about this but perhaps you should mention that you are worried about your friend's mental health. You didn't mention the other brother who lives 20 minutes away but would it be possible for them to help out once a week so your friend can get out? They might not fully understand what your friend has to deal with and if they helped for one night they might get a better idea of it.

I know they may have family and responsibilities of their own but surely they can get a babysitter or leave the children with their partners for a night so their sister can get out. If your friend is very fatigued or depressed she might make irrational decisions because of the pressure. Her brothers need to appreciate this.

It could literally be a matter of life and death for her.

If their sister crumbles under the pressure of it all they would have to find solutions anyway.

Think of it this way. Your friend has given up all hope of having children of her own. When she gets older she will have nobody to help care for her (not that we should expect children to give everything up to care for us). She may or may not find a partner but it will be difficult for her when she is finally free to do so. She will find it difficult to get back into the workforce and support herself. In the meantime her two brothers have incomes and families of their own. Your friend is probably so worn down from it all she can't see the wood from the trees and has more than likely been "groomed" by the family as a carer for her parents since childhood.

I know she would have to agree to it herself but counseling or therapy might help her deal with things and find constructive solutions to the situation.

I said that to her last night that I think it's important that she gets her mum used to being looked after by others too just in case something happens my friend. I think she is in denial big time.

Her mum is unresponsive bar an odd grunt or groan if she is uncomfortable or unhappy about something so my friend thinks she is not as ill as she really is. The woman has no quality of life and is also robbing her daughter of a life so I just don't understand why they won't let her go in a home where they can visit and take her out but know she is being cared for.

I have talked to a mutual friend who is very close to her too and we are both at a loss as to what we can do since she shuts down when we bring it up.

It's so unfair.

Oh and its the brother who lives 20 mins away who has the small kids and is the most helpful. The one next door has 1 daughter who is 8 and a wife who doesn't work yet they give virtno support.

Emme

Witchie wrote: »

She was able to come out for dinner last week with some school friends but that is the first time she was out in months, possibly since June. She goes to bingo once a week but that is to take her dad to keep his mind active, not coz she wants to and the brother next door (actually more his wife) makes a song and dance about having to mind her mum for the few hours every second week as the other brother does it the other weeks. Unless her brothers mind her mum she can't go anywhere.

So the bingo doesn't benefit your friend, it benefits her father. I hope your friend enjoyed the dinner.

Witchie wrote: »

I think this is a big part of the problem now. She has been caring for them for 10 years , possibly more now and I think sge feels scared of the world outside of this. Which adds to my worries coz when her parents die or go into a home she will then be dealing with the grief as well as trying to figure out what to do with her life.

If your friend has been out of the workforce this long she will need to up skill. Ideally she should start now. Doing a course one or two days a week while somebody else minds her parents would do her the world of good. Does she have access to a PC or the internet at home?

Witchie wrote: »

I said that to her last night that I think it's important that she gets her mum used to being looked after by others too just in case something happens my friend. I think she is in denial big time.

It sounds like she is in denial and she probably feels unfounded guilt at the thoughts of her mum being looked after by somebody else. To be honest the caring situation could continue for another 5 years if not more and this will leave your friend close to 50 if not in her 50s. She would be extremely vulnerable by then if she has no job skills.

Witchie wrote: »

Her mum is unresponsive bar an odd grunt or groan if she is uncomfortable or unhappy about something so my friend thinks she is not as ill as she really is. The woman has no quality of life and is also robbing her daughter of a life so I just don't understand why they won't let her go in a home where they can visit and take her out but know she is being cared for.

The woman's husband may not want to let this happen because he would have to face up to his own mortality.
The daughter may be refusing to let this happen because of guilt.
The brothers may not want to let this happen if the parents have money because nursing home care under the Fair Deal scheme would mean less of an inheritance for them.

Witchie wrote: »

I have talked to a mutual friend who is very close to her too and we are both at a loss as to what we can do since she shuts down when we bring it up.

It's so unfair.

Oh and its the brother who lives 20 mins away who has the small kids and is the most helpful. The one next door has 1 daughter who is 8 and a wife who doesn't work yet they give virtno support.

I'm not being horrible but mark my words they will be the ones looking for the biggest share once the parents pass away and they will fight your poor friend tooth and nail for it.

if anything happened your friend's parents the boys and their wives would pay attention sharpish to see if there's anything in the will for them. In many cases the child who did most of the caring is forgotten in favour of siblings, particularly if the carer is a daughter and the siblings are boys. If the parents have money it probably suits the boys to have their sister there caring for them at home rather than their money going towards the Fair Deal scheme in nursing home. Being boys they are likely to benefit from their parents estate.

What would happen to your friend if her parents house or estate were to be divided evenly between all 4 children (not an unusual decision)? Does she have anything of her own? Would she be able to support herself in the morning? If the level of support her brothers are providing now is any indication then your friend would be left to go under if anything happened her parents.

It wouldn't be an ideal situation but it might be a wake up call for all concerned if your friend were taken ill and had to spend a week or two in hospital. Alternative care would have to be found for her parents.

All you can do is be there for her - she's lucky to have such good friends when her life is so limited. Many friends would just drift away and leave her completely isolated.

Witchie

Emme wrote: »

So the bingo doesn't benefit your friend, it benefits her father. I hope your friend enjoyed the dinner.



If your friend has been out of the workforce this long she will need to up skill. Ideally she should start now. Doing a course one or two days a week while somebody else minds her parents would do her the world of good. Does she have access to a PC or the internet at home?



It sounds like she is in denial and she probably feels unfounded guilt at the thoughts of her mum being looked after by somebody else. To be honest the caring situation could continue for another 5 years if not more and this will leave your friend close to 50 if not in her 50s. She would be extremely vulnerable by then if she has no job skills.



The woman's husband may not want to let this happen because he would have to face up to his own mortality.
The daughter may be refusing to let this happen because of guilt.
The brothers may not want to let this happen if the parents have money because nursing home care under the Fair Deal scheme would mean less of an inheritance for them.



I'm not being horrible but mark my words they will be the ones looking for the biggest share once the parents pass away and they will fight your poor friend tooth and nail for it.

if anything happened your friend's parents the boys and their wives would pay attention sharpish to see if there's anything in the will for them. In many cases the child who did most of the caring is forgotten in favour of siblings, particularly if the carer is a daughter and the siblings are boys. If the parents have money it probably suits the boys to have their sister there caring for them at home rather than their money going towards the Fair Deal scheme in nursing home. Being boys they are likely to benefit from their parents estate.

What would happen to your friend if her parents house or estate were to be divided evenly between all 4 children (not an unusual decision)? Does she have anything of her own? Would she be able to support herself in the morning? If the level of support her brothers are providing now is any indication then your friend would be left to go under if anything happened her parents.

It wouldn't be an ideal situation but it might be a wake up call for all concerned if your friend were taken ill and had to spend a week or two in hospital. Alternative care would have to be found for her parents.

All you can do is be there for her - she's lucky to have such good friends when her life is so limited. Many friends would just drift away and leave her completely isolated.

She did enjoy the dinner but had to go by 11ish to get back to her brother's house (the one that lives 20 mins from her house) to collect her mum and bring her home and get her to bed so she couldn't even have a glass of wine with us or come on to the pub with the rest of us. Meanwhile, when we walked into the pub, her 3 brothers were there getting loaded. In fairness to them, it was the first time in years that the youngest had been home from the states and I don't begrudge them getting a chance to go out together, but she should have been able to go out too, either with them or with us.

I just don't get how she couldn't put her mum to bed, get her sister-in-law next door to come up and sit in the house watching tv and making sure her mum was ok just that one night, but her SIL doesn't seem to care or want to know. Even though my friend has often collected her daughter from school and minded her when she has an appointment or needs to go somewhere. My friend also minds her other brother's 2 yr old and 5 yr old every Monday so his gf can go do her college course. While this might seem too hard, it is actually a bit of a highlight for her to spend time with her nephew while her niece is at school and then collect her, but its just not fair that there is little reciprocation of the minding of responsibilities.

I have been trying for the past 4 or 5 years to get her to go do a computer course one day a week or some sort of back to education stuff but she hasn't done anything and it is so frustrating. She is one of the most intelligent people I know. She gave up a job as an archaeologist to care for her mum while, not bringing them down, but her brothers are unskilled/semi skilled workers. She was the one who had the get up and go.

She has an old laptop but her internet, as she describes it has been nibbled on by squirrels and constantly drops so not sure an online course would work that well for her at present.

I totally agree that this situation could continue for a long time with no resolution but I really don't think that her father would stop her putting her mum in a home. I think it is more down to money as you suggested but even more so down to a sense of duty and feeling guilty that he mum cried the last time she was in respite.

As for the will and property, they have had a family discussion already and as far as I can gather, I think she will get to live in the home house for her remaining life but the brothers get the farm between them.

I really worry that the stress of this will make her ill and she could end up in hospital. She has already had threatening gall bladder problems that could put her in hospital and our mutual friend, even though she is the same age as us, had a heart problem recently that has made us more aware of the fact that it could happen any of us.

I wish I could make her see that her real duty to her parents is for her to live a happy life and not be suffering such crap. I keep telling her that as a parent all I want for my boys is for them to go off and live their lives and have told them to put me in a home when I can't manage and just come visit when they can. I tell her this coz it is true but also in the hope that she will see that this is what she should be doing.

Emme

Witchie wrote: »

Meanwhile, when we walked into the pub, her 3 brothers were there getting loaded. In fairness to them, it was the first time in years that the youngest had been home from the states and I don't begrudge them getting a chance to go out together, but she should have been able to go out too, either with them or with us.

Even though my friend has often collected her daughter from school and minded her when she has an appointment or needs to go somewhere.

My friend also minds her other brother's 2 yr old and 5 yr old every Monday so his gf can go do her college course. While this might seem too hard, it is actually a bit of a highlight for her to spend time with her nephew while her niece is at school and then collect her, but its just not fair that there is little reciprocation of the minding of responsibilities.

Her brothers and their partners are taking the p*** and using your friend. At this stage she probably doesn't speak up for herself so they see her as having no respect for herself and they don't respect her.

Witchie wrote: »

I really worry that the stress of this will make her ill and she could end up in hospital. She has already had threatening gall bladder problems that could put her in hospital and our mutual friend, even though she is the same age as us, had a heart problem recently that has made us more aware of the fact that it could happen any of us.

Her diet and lifestyle may not be healthy. She has little pleasure in her lifestyle and more stress than most people. If she were leading a normal life she might not have these health issues. Is she overweight?

I think hospitalization might be a blessing in disguise for her. She would get her health issues addressed and her family would have to cop on and find some way to manage their parents in the absence of their sister.

Witchie wrote: »

I wish I could make her see that her real duty to her parents is for her to live a happy life and not be suffering such crap. I keep telling her that as a parent all I want for my boys is for them to go off and live their lives and have told them to put me in a home when I can't manage and just come visit when they can. I tell her this coz it is true but also in the hope that she will see that this is what she should be doing.

As long as the farm is there the brothers won't want the situation to change. Their sister is minding their parents, keeping them out of nursing homes and keeping the farm safe from the Fair Deal for the brothers to inherit down the line. Maybe she is afraid that she will not be able to support herself after they die due to her own health issues and is trying to hang onto the house by minding her parents at home. However if your friend continues as she is she will not live much longer than her parents and the boys will get the house as well. Even if the house is left to her if the brothers are renting they might get together and contest the will to try and get the house divided between them.

The brothers could be jealous of your friends get up and go and education and want to punish her for it. Is she the first in that family to go to college? Often the first person in a family to get a college education is given a hard time by the rest of the family, particularly if education isn't valued in that family.

Is there any way she could get a new up-to-date laptop or even a more up to date second hand laptop? Can her internet link be addressed? Perhaps she doesn't want to face up to her situation fully because it is so dire but it is better if she does this now rather than later when she is more likely to be taken advantage of.

Pawwed Rig

To be honest OP it is none of your business despite you meaning well. She has made it clear to you that this is what she wants to do so you should respect that.

cactusgal

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

To be honest OP it is none of your business despite you meaning well. She has made it clear to you that this is what she wants to do so you should respect that.

I disagree. As someone in a somewhat similar position to the OP's friend and her parents, she is very lucky to have a friend who gives a s*it. It's so easy to turn your back and say "not my problem, " but I promise you, if and when it happens to your parents, you'll want to have a friend who's concerned for you.

LegacyUser

OP - you are so nice, and so right, to care. Could you babysit the brother's kids, while he minds his parents and gives your friend some time off as you suggest?

Pawwed Rig

There is being concerned which is fine, as is being there for a friend.
Interference in a friends family business is not fine.

Oryx

All you can do is be a friend and gently suggest support options. This girl gets angry when you make suggestions out of frustration and fear. She is in a pattern now and she doesn't know how to change it, and has a mound of guilt heaped upon her. Plus she sees herself as 'carer' and at this stage probably doesn't see life beyond that, so its scary. If she doesn't have this, she has nothing. Shes stuck in the routine and grind of her days.

She needs to see for herself that change is possible and does not make her a bad person. She needs help dealing with the fear of facing her own life, which she is not doing. She needs to talk. I dont know if there are support organisations for carers but talking to someone who understands her situation will help. Talk to her yourself, let her talk, and suggest counselling to her.

Rubberchikken

i think you've said all you can to your friend.
she's old enough to make the decisions that she need to make.

from experience, some people find that they can benefit from a parent going into respite for even a week. others can't bear the thought of it.

your friend is doing a very good and kind thing in caring for her elderly parents. her brother helps when he can. she has you as a good friend so she has some good support.
accept that her life is what is it and for the moment let things go.
support her. listen to her and be there when she needs a friend.

dixiefly

I think that what you could do is arrange a holiday or something like that for your friend. A relative of mine minded her mum in slightly similar circumstances but made sure that she went for a week/ 2 weeks holidays every year to recharge batteries.

By going on a weeks holiday with her you are not changing the basic arrangements at home. speak to the brother you know and see if ye can setup a little holiday for her. Surely ye would know where would suit and when. It gives notice to all the family to step up to the plate. Perhaps a trip over to her brother in America.

Would you be in a position to go also? My relative sometimes went herself but it's always good to go with someone.

Emme

dixiefly wrote: »

I think that what you could do is arrange a holiday or something like that for your friend. A relative of mine minded her mum in slightly similar circumstances but made sure that she went for a week/ 2 weeks holidays every year to recharge batteries.

By going on a weeks holiday with her you are not changing the basic arrangements at home. speak to the brother you know and see if ye can setup a little holiday for her. Surely ye would know where would suit and when. It gives notice to all the family to step up to the plate. Perhaps a trip over to her brother in America.

Would you be in a position to go also? My relative sometimes went herself but it's always good to go with someone.

I have a feeling that the brother in America might prefer if his sister stayed at home doing her duty and didn't upset his or her other brothers' lives. They have put her in a sort of "box" as carer for their parents, babysitter and all around drudge to the detriment of her health. It is unlikely they will entertain anything that will benefit their sister and make her question the role she is now filling. The only way they would wake up is if she got very ill and were hospitalised forcing them to make alternative arrangements for the care of their parents.

Even a weekend away with somebody else doing the driving would do this woman a world of good but she would need more than a few days away to "switch off" and see the wood for the trees.

The poster who says people should mind their own business has a point but may be unfamiliar with situations like this where one person is involuntarily put into the role of carer and over time has their soul and spirit chipped away by the demands of it all. Such people are often unable to help themselves and need good people around them to help them see their life for what it is and to find ways to thrive under very difficult circumstances.

LegacyUser

OP, I know you mean well, but from your posts it seems that you have been saying all this to her for 4 or 5 years now. She knows how you feel. Now is the time to stop making suggestions to on how to live her life. Rather than coming across as a caring supportive friend, you will be coming across, unintentionally, as a know-it-all who knows best but who doesn't really get it. You are far too invested in her and her brother's lives. You can have all the opinions you want and offer all advice you want but at the end of the day, it's their family and their lives and you are not going to change them.

Instead of offering advice and opinion on where they are all going wrong why not offer practical help and support. Make a few dinners and drop them in during the week. Offer to stay with her parents occasionally so that she can go out with her other friends etc. I know it's not your family, and you shouldn't have to, but she's your friend and what you all know she needs is practical help. All you can do is offer though, you can't force it on her. But let her know that the offer is always open. And if ever she just fancies a few hours out of the house to ask you.

You mean well, but your just putting more pressure on her.

cactusgal

Very much agree with Emme. A trip to America sounds pretty unlikely (can't imagine OPs friend would leave her mother to travel such a distance), but if she could be persuaded to put her mum into respite care for even 24 hours so that she and OP could go to a hotel for a night's break, that would be a step in the right direction.

Caring for her parents has become her life now, but she has a lot of years left after they go, and needs to plan for that, which may seem an impossible task, given how isolated she is.

OP, my advice would be to keep trying to gently talk to her, maybe offer to check out respite care options with her, enrol in a night class with her (so her lazy brothers will mind the mum at least one day a week), even read up a bit on archaeology stuff so you can grab a coffee with her and get her mind stimulated with what she once studied and worked at.

It's such a hard situation, but she's lucky to have a friend like you. Often people who haven't gone through this don't seem to notice or care when they see friends or family members in a sh@t situation. Good luck xx

Witchie

Thanks for all the advice and suggestions.

I have taken her away over night in the past, the last time was to share my birthday treat of an overnighter in the Lough Erne resort 2 years ago. We got massages, had a wonderful meal and a lovely time but she still didn't fully relax.

I have suggested many times since that we get a cheap break somewhere but she won't commit to anything.

She has talked about going to states to see her brother but it just never happens.

I think I will keep trying.

I have previously gotten her info on local night classes but she has done nothing about it.

I guess all I can do is keep supporting her and meeting her at least once a week for coffee. The only problem with our coffee dates is I can't talk to her about this really then as her mum is there and she really clams up as she doesn't want to upset her mum.

Emme

Witchie wrote: »

Thanks for all the advice and suggestions.

I have taken her away over night in the past, the last time was to share my birthday treat of an overnighter in the Lough Erne resort 2 years ago. We got massages, had a wonderful meal and a lovely time but she still didn't fully relax.

I have suggested many times since that we get a cheap break somewhere but she won't commit to anything.

She has talked about going to states to see her brother but it just never happens.

I think I will keep trying.

I have previously gotten her info on local night classes but she has done nothing about it.

I guess all I can do is keep supporting her and meeting her at least once a week for coffee. The only problem with our coffee dates is I can't talk to her about this really then as her mum is there and she really clams up as she doesn't want to upset her mum.

You are being a very good friend and have hung in there when others might have gone off and minded their own business, so to speak. You are probably doing a lot more for your friend's well-being than you realise.

It would be very difficult for this woman to fully relax on a short break. I would imagine (I have some limited experience in this myself) that constantly dealing with ailing elderly parents is like living under the sword of Damocles. Your friend has been in this situation full-time for 10 years and this has naturally taken its toll on her body and her mind.

If you do get away for a short break you can't switch off because you're worried about what will greet you when you get back. Does she switch off her phone when she is away? If she doesn't do this she should, in fact it is essential. Otherwise she will probably be bombarded with text messages from the family from one end of her time away to the other.

All you can do is suggest another short break when your friend can get away and get her to switch off her phone. In the meantime your continuing support will be very helpful. There is no harm in making gentle suggestions from time to time about how your friend can improve her life and her employment prospects in years to come.

I don't think it would be a good idea for her to go to America to see her brother unless he gives practical help with her parents when he his home.