My Father is gay

LegacyUser

Hi, I need to get something off my chest and see if anyone has advice that could help me.

As the title suggests, my dad is gay. I've had suspicious since I was younger and I recently found out that it is true. He is a member of multiple gay dating (hookup) sites which I see a couple times a week when I walk into the kitchen/sitting room. When I walk in he would close the laptop lid down 3/4 ways and pretend to be watching the tv, or he would pretend to be reading emails.

I know this is a total invasion of privacy but a while back after I found out the names of these websites I was able to login under one of his email address and password(uses the same password for everything) and found months of messages arranging meet ups and then I also got into his Skype and found 100's of mens contacts.

Recently he got a second mobile and if anyone asks about he says its his personal phone (he has a work phone but he's allowed and always has made personal calls on it). The other day he was clearly on grinder on it as I was in the kitchen.

He would be on these sites and apps I'd say 4/7 nights a week and also during day when he's working (he works from home). In fact he always nearly on it during the day when my mam is at work and I have a day off. I usually walk really slow down the stairs to make sure he has time to put the laptop away but sometimes he still on it when I get down.

I am really just sick of it at this stage and I am under loads of extra pressure with college this year. My biggest problem with it is that he does practically nothing to hide it. It makes me so annoyed.

I don't really want to tell my family because I would hate to break the family up and I don't know who he would turn to (maybe his brother or sisters) and also he would probably ruin his reputation and any friends he would have. He would do anything for me and in that sense I really like him but I really don't know if I love him...

Any advice anyone has would be greatly appreciated.
Thank You

somefeen

Hello
For a start.
What in god's name where you thinking reading the messages etc?!? I know morbid curiosity and all that but don't tell him you read them whatever you do. He'll likely be very embarrassed or angry.

You don't say how your mother and father's relationship is but if you let us know it might help in some way. He could be doing this with your mother's blessing for all you know. I know its unlikely if he only seems to be on when your mother is out but people are strange creatures.
He might be a bisexual with no interest in a relationship with a man but does want to have sex with them and wants to continue the relationship with your mother but is ashamed to tell her.
There are a lot of possibilities here.


I know it can be hard to face this, but really this is your fathers business and not yours. If his inability to hide it is annoying you then I'm sorry to say that is your problem not his.
What do you actually want? You want him to hide it better yet you purposefully logged into his account to snoop at his messages??

Personally if I was in your shoes, I would keep quiet about it. Outing him by telling family is the worst possible thing you could do in this situation. It will put him under terrible amounts of stress and that WILL break up your family. Letting him come out in his own time on his own terms (if he feels the need) is a more holistic approach and less dramatic.
In the meantime the best thing for you to do is unfortunately mind your own business in my opinion. Its his sex life and his relationships not yours. Concentrate on college.

xband

Plenty of people are bi or gay, there's nothing particularly shocking about that these days and him not hiding that really wouldn't be something that would annoy me.

He may well be browsing dating applications and not actually meeting up with anyone too.

Your father's sexual orientation is really nothing to do with you. He's your dad, straight, bi or gay.

What would concern me though is that if he's sleeping around and your mother's also sleeping with him and isn't aware of this and possibly having unprotected sex she could be putting herself at risk without realising. That risk would equally apply if he were connecting up with other women as much as with other men.

The fact that he's gay/bi isn't the issue. It's more that he's cheating on a marital partner.

qweerty

I thought my mother was gay for a brief period, but it turned out she had saved the name of the guy she was having an affair with as a woman in her phone, to avoid suspicion. (As if the content of the messages didn't raise enough suspicion!)

I can remember feeling very uncomfortable about it, because I think one sees their parent as being emotionally stable and above juvenile love interests, and a secret gay affair would imply a deep insecurity.

Found out she wasn't gay! But most of the discomfort remained: my mother would still go "out with a friend" in clothes that made me blush, would still suddenly stop talking on the phone when j unexpectedly walked in, etc.

What I didn't have, though, that you do is being confronted by the thought of your parent's sexual urges, which every child instinctively has a revulsion for. And I'm sure that's quite unpleasant.

My advice, if it's worth anything, is that you should seek to have your father be open to you about it. I don't know how you would go about that, and it may well be incredibly difficult for him, in which case you might have to support him emotionally in a way that you or any other would not ideally want to, which you may wish to avoid. But I found with my mother that, though I'm still somewhat uncomfortable, not having her telling such transparent lies and being able to joke with her about it has greatly improved the situation. As for your father's sexual activity, time will lessen the distaste that you have for it, but it will probably require that you start seeing your father for the more emotionally complex person that he (as a human!) is.

Also, talk to counsellor or whomever in your college. Arranging the first meeting is always difficult, partly because you think it won't be helpful, but it usually is.

I really hope it goes well for you

L.Jenkins

Mod: Just moving this here for now.

frostyjacks

It's very wrong of your father to put you in this awkward situation. He's lying to you, to your mother and even to himself. He's also taking huge risks if he's sleeping with men, as he could pass something on to your mother. She deserves to know the truth.

It almost sounds like he wants to be caught, given how lackadaisical he is with his laptop. Maybe subconsciously he want's to get this terrible secret off his chest.

Rubberchikken

I realise it's easy for me to suggest you speak to your dad but i don't think this situation can go onuch longer.
It's obviously upsetting you and the longer things go on the more stress it's putting on the relationship you have with your dad.

Good luck

The primary issues seems to be your father's lack of discretion around his online activity.
Ask yourself, how you would feel if you talked to him about it? Would you feel better if he admits he is bisexual or promises to be more discreet?
If he admits to being bisexual or even tells you to mind your own business, will you feel the need to tell the rest of your family?
As some one earlier suggested, try a college counsellor. Talking it through with some one will help.
Try to determine how you are feeling, are you annoyed, upset, revulsed etc and what could be done practically for you to come to terms with this knowledge.
In my opinion, you should try to have a conversation with him about how you are feeling but not necessarily divulging you went on his accounts and read his messages.

gothic_doll

I wonder why he is absolutely constantly on dating sites? Also hundreds of contacts?

It sounds like he is just chatting/skyping and maybe not even meeting up with anyone.

And maybe totally addicted to the internet in general, to the point he's forgotten about his family in the house?

Kinda sounds like a fantasy life. Like being addicted to World of Warcraft or something. 100's of contacts would be an immense time-sink to amass, especially considering his age/potential desirability to new partners. (low, probably, if he's in his forties or more)

To address it- you aren't interested in the what your dad is doing (or planning on doing) in the bedroom, virtually or otherwise, and a potential affair(s) is an issue to be dealt with by your mother.

Speak to your mother about it- not him- as the concern there is for her health, if he is sleeping with people without her knowledge/consent. Maybe start the conversation saying you are concerned he is a bit addicted to the internet. And then say 'have you noticed what sites he's on?' Her response to that will give you an idea of how much she knows and you can decide what to say from there.

Best of luck.

Pawwed Rig

Be there for your Dad. It is not your place to judge him but he may be in a very difficult place coming to the terms with his sexuality. Adding to that stress is unlikely to be helpful.

Rachiee

I can see why you would be frustrated by his indiscretion, it does come across as disrespectful , and does put you in an awkward position re: your mother.
I would be concerned that if you can't talk to him about your frustrations that it will build to resentment and that's never a healthy emotion.

he might think he is being discreet, if you didn't recognise the website (from when you went snooping) you wouldn't be able to tell what site he was on by a quick glance at his phone or 3/4 closed laptop.
It does sound like he may be slightly addicted to the browsing element particularly if he is doing it standing around in the kitchen or is so slow to put it away even when he knows you are coming.
If you do talk to him I'd say focus on what is upsetting you ie the indiscretion, and ask him to be more discreet without getting into whether or not he is gay or bisexual, just browsing or going on hook ups, with our without your mother's blessing, you don't need to know any of that but you do need to verbalize your frustrations.

kaji

It sounds like he is living in a fantasy world, chatting with mysterious guys. However, I doubt he's meeting them. To be honest, I wouldn't do or say anything. You invaded his privacy because you were curious. I would leave him be and let him continue to chat online to these people, it's not doing anyone any harm. And to be honest, your mother is probably happy with the marriage- for some people, a stable loving marriage is what they want, not necessarily sexual, especially if they are quite older. I know that sounds ageist, but it's true for a lot of couples.