Pregnant and worried

LegacyUser

I am pregnant due at start of May. It was a surprise but myself and my husband are happy about it. Despite this, I am becomming increasingly anxious about what this child will be like. I have always had fears about motherhood and bringing a child into the world. I grew up with a couple of dysfunctional and very selfish family members. In my husbands family, we both believe there are several members who might have personality disorders or perhaps un-diagnosed autism ( I am not comparing autism to a personality disorder, I know it is different, but these individuals never received any support, help or acknowledgement of their struggles and it has had an impact). I believe there might be a genetic disposition to a complete lack of empathy in both families and I worry about the child I am having. We will love this child and I believe we have decent values to pass on , but I just dont know if I can overcome the issues in our families, that we may have passed on, via love alone. I hope for a happy and healthy child like anyone else, I know i am guaranteed nothing, but I dont know how I will cope with a child who might end up as utterly selfish and unfeeling as certain family members currently are. I know people around me who are obsessed with the fact that they have "advanced" and "gifted" children, however that maybe defined, it seems like we place less and less value on the more human side that need to be developed in children. I just hope for a child that knows the value of kindness and compassion but I wonder if our genes will prevent any such development. I wish I was more excited than I am ,I know so many struggle to even conceive, but each day I am increasingly anxious about the child I am having and how we will cope if presented with repeated history.

ifElseThen

Hi,
I'm of the opinion that non-physical traits are not passed down the generations. So to me your worries have no basis.

Even if it is true about genetic inheritance of non-physical traits, you just have to work that little bit harder to prevent your child being exposed to those behaviours, breaking the cycle.

My parents weren't the type to say "I love you" and I'm quite cold according to my wife when it comes to adults. But not when it comes to my children. I hug them every day, tell them I love them every day so although. So it's just about recognising those behaviours you don't want your kids to have or be exposed to and working on avoiding them.

Wife also has two of the most immature adults for parents and we just wrote them off as I don't want my children exposed to behaviours like theirs and thinking it's normal.

"obsessed with the fact that they have "advanced" and "gifted" children"

You're right on the money with this. As I always say, by the age of 4/5 there are little differences in all children, i.e they all walk and talk, unless there is something wrong with their development.

Pay no heed to all that pointless passive aggressive bragging that goes on and just focus on giving your time and attention to the baby and s/he should turn out grand.

The fact you're thinking about what you want in your child is a good start!

Good luck with the rest of the pregnancy!

Sleepy

You're over-thinking everything OP. It's perfectly normal and once yourself and your husband love your child they'll be fine.

I know people around me who are obsessed with the fact that they have "advanced" and "gifted" children, however that maybe defined, it seems like we place less and less value on the more human side that need to be developed in children. I just hope for a child that knows the value of kindness and compassion

That line alone tells me you'll make a great mother.

screamer

Genetics does and can play a part in personality traits for sure just look up fragile x for example.

But OP none of us know what our children will be like. No scans it tests will show issues with autism or personality issues all we can do is have faith love them teach them and hope they'll grow up to be great people.

Rubberchikken

i think you just love your child. pass on your values. teach them kindness, empathy, honesty and respect for themselves and others.
everything after that is a lottery.

if you're ever worried about your child's development, gp's are so much more aware of things nowadays. help is available.

it's natural to worry about your unborn child. i think everyone does. what will they look like? what type of personality? will they be smart/funny whatever?
just know that you'll be it's parents and be the best parents you can be. good luck

Neyite

I think a lot of women get similar fears during pregnancy. I wondered how I could bring a child into this world that has such cruelty in it, wondered how he would turn out, if he would be physically and mentally ok.

Its a very normal pregnancy worry to have. But it will be fine. Our children reflect our habits and while they have their own personalities, they absorb our values and our morals. If you are not going to be an ultra-competitive parent, then you wont be. If you lead by example and are kind and loving, so too will your child be. If they have a disability that might hinder them in life, you as a parent, with patience and a bit of hard work, will teach them how to cope with mainstream life.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for the replies, much appreciated. I believe in a mix of genetics and environment I think, but I do think environment plays a very big part. I agreed and hope our example will have a major effect if we can set a good one, we have both managed to distance ourselves from the more toxic family members and I suppose I worry if we are introducing another such person to our lives (family traits that might be passed on) but I know I will have a big part to play on what values the child has. I am glad these worries are more common than I thought, it has been increasing each day, I will just have to be positive and embrace whatever happens. Thanks everyone for the responses which have provided me with some different perspectives.

Shrap

Neyite wrote: »

Our children reflect our habits and while they have their own personalities, they absorb our values and our morals. If you are not going to be an ultra-competitive parent, then you wont be. If you lead by example and are kind and loving, so too will your child be. If they have a disability that might hinder them in life, you as a parent, with patience and a bit of hard work, will teach them how to cope with mainstream life.

This is all very true. However, OP I am not going to lie to you (not that I'm suggesting that others have here, just that my experience is literally what you have described your fears to be). My dear youngest has significant emotional and behavioural problems, so much so that he is getting intensive help from CAMHS only now at the age of 14, having failed to "fit in" to any of the very narrow margins of developmental disorder criteria to access real help before now.

On my side of the family are mostly artists, scientists and extremely dramatic types with many instances of depression among them. On his father's side are very definite autistic traits, in particular "context blindness" and inability to walk in someone else's shoes (empathy). Unfortunately (and I use that word because it is such a lottery) our son has inherited the most difficult traits in both of us and needs ongoing help with emotional regulation and cognitive behavioural training. Of course, that is not to say that every child of parents with inheritable issues will turn out to have any. If my ex husband and myself had another child, he/she might well have inherited the best of both worlds.

I think your fears are valid, but also they may never happen. Your question about how you might cope if it does happen that your child inherits certain traits is a good one though. I can only answer it from my experience and if it comes to it your's will be different obviously, but I can tell you that I cope. Parenting a child with personality "quirks" (is what they keep calling it!) is different, no doubt about it, but it's also fantastic and wonderful and educational. My son's personality is so wonderfully unique and his take on the world is so interestingly skewed to what people generally think, that it's a mind opening experience to be around him. But also, he can be shockingly difficult and life can be very hard for him.

It came as a complete surprise to me that as a baby, he didn't respond to me in any way similarly to the way my eldest son did (different father), and from quite early on I felt like I wasn't getting things right for him. I was utterly at a loss as to why he was having such massive meltdowns and to why he couldn't play along with age appropriate toys, wanting me to do it all while he watched (as an extension of himself, kind of...). My husband wasn't having any of it, and although the public health nurse actually asked me out straight if I had any concerns about his minimal speech, I wasn't able to access help early because of the nature of my relationship with my husband. The next 6 years (before I was able to seek help) became increasingly more difficult, and under the circumstances of my marriage and having no help for my child, he is now much worse off than he otherwise would have been with early access to therapy.

In your case, you are aware that the potential is there for you to have a child who will need help beyond your parenting skills, no matter how "natural" you and your husband are in your parenting. As this is your first child, I'm sure you've heard that no baby comes with a manual, but you haven't yet found out how trial and error everything is even under the best of circumstances with a "good" baby! But it's so true. Regardless of your child's personality, you will make every mistake in the book.....but you won't make this one. You are already alerted to certain traits that may be inheritable and you will be able to speak to health professionals about developmental questions or fears, if you have any beyond the normal "am I getting this right?" new parenting concerns. If you notice delayed speech, totally unexplainable frequent melt-downs, attachment issues then you will bring them to light immediately and have a good chance of getting help directly for the child and to learn parenting skills in order to bring your child on in a way where his/her social issues can be minimized.

{But one thing you must do is talk to your husband about your fears. IF (and you know it's a big if) your baby does inherit traits that will require help, then help is what you're going to need and no parenting skills bar each having a masters in child psychology will be enough. Your husband must be on the same page as you, and right from the beginning. Have you both talked about these characteristics in each of your families, and your concerns that certain character traits might impact on your child's development? Can you?}*

Sorry for the long post and hope I'm not freaking you out in any way. You've raised very sensible and thoughtful concerns here, and so you will be much better placed that I was to get help, if the need arises. Well done - you'll clearly be a wonderful parent who's first thought will always be "how can I help?". And btw, you will love your child - he/she will be a product of both of you in whatever wonderfully unique way it turns out. Neyite is right - children (even with difficulties) pick up their parent's humour, morals, limits and standards of behaviour even if some need more help with this than others to cope with the world around them.

* Sorry, just reread your OP and spotted that you both recognise certain traits in your families. That's brilliant so. But do discuss your fears with him OP, if you haven't yet.

LegacyUser

Gosh Shrap, thanks so much for your detailed and honest response, I really appreciate it. My husband, whilst more optimistic than I am, (I admit that can annoy me a bit, when he tries to be positive about my every concern and I know my recent doom about it annoys him sometimes as well) still no question he definitely recognises the traits in his family as I do my own, while I would have at a certain point been very angry with a couple of family members, (I always knew something was very amiss with one of my family members in particular) he was affected more by his background than I was, it was only a few years ago when my husband spoke to a Councillor that he realised certain behaviours that he had been brought up with weren't actually the norm or acceptable and weren't actually what happens in most functioning families.I know he would never stand in the way of our child getting help if necessary and would be supportive. I recognise your family background, the artistic and scientific types, in our case, the terrifying melt -downs , aggression, not irregular violence, the utter lack of functioning empathy, the absolute absence of coping skills for anything (listen we all have our limits, I'm no exception, but I'm talking about no coping skills for anything, ever, zero, none). I think the way you have handled your sons struggles is fantastic, the fact that you have bothered to even engage with supports is amazing to me as I am surrounded by people I know could do with some help but whose egos wont let them help themselves or indeed, in a certain case, a child who needs a bit of extra support. ( Did I mention that rampant narcissism is an issue for one of the relatives in particular..yeah this baby hit the jackpot with genetics.... ) Thanks so much for your insight, I think it is my ability to cope is something I have been questioning alot, so its great to hear from someone who is getting on with it and coping well.

Shrap

Privateforthis wrote: »

Did I mention that rampant narcissism is an issue for one of the relatives in particular..yeah this baby hit the jackpot with genetics....

Ha! You're welcome, surely. Glad you got something out of it. At this stage I'm only too well used to writing detailed essays to health professionals about my concerns, so that post was a breeze! And you made me laugh with this above....Ooh, I'd say we could swap some stories! Yes, "creativity" is a two sided coin, and although in some people it's a gift and nothing less, in others it may be at the expense of emotional balance and it's a struggle to find any outlet, or can be present in combination with much social difficulty. Difficulties or not though, sounds like any child of your's will be a fascinating character! All the best

farmchoice

ah look everyone worries about their kids before they are born, when they are being born, after they are born, when they are small, when they are big, when they are going to college, when they are traveling, when they are getting married and buying a house, when they are having their own kids, when their own kids are being born.........

that's life, but for gods sake don't worry about them becoming people you don't want them to be, you have the biggest say in this and ultimately you will love them anyway.

as the poet Philip larkin wrote,

''they f**k you up your mum and dad,
they may not mean to but they do''

thats the way of it, love them feed them and as they grow try and instill in them what values you can.

as for the gifted kids craic, there is every chance you will turn into that parent!!

if you don't you could use my approach. we had a lad who was born very premature, this meant he was always going to be behind his cousins and peers until he was at least 5.

so all along as we had to listen about how brilliant and advanced this cousin was and that neighbor was my approach always was to say something like ''ah ya sure our poor S is way off that i'm afraid he never going to be a great scholar, still hes good at running into walls!!

now obviously i never said this to him, but as time went on he caught up and of course the other were not really genius they were just like everyone else which became apparent when they went to school ( sometimes to everyone but their parents).

now what stands out most is not who's the smartest but who is the nicest, the most friendly and full of life and smiles and has nice manners, and funnily enough being a genius does not necessarily instill these attributes in you.