Really small wedding advise

KraftyK

Hi There looking for advise on planning a very small alternative wedding

Sorry for long winded post in advance :-)

I have a couple of concerns about having such a small number of guests 50 max. Most are from my boyfriends side. So it will be obvious that my side is lacking a bit. The only people I have to invite are my mother, siblings and their partner and 3 friends and their partners. 13 people. I don't know any of my extended family at all. Never met any of them. So don't have many people to invite. I moved away from my home town and never been employed long term. Always was on short term contracts and have been made redundant 3 times in the last 3 years and now currently on Mat leave. So I was never really in a workplace long enough to make long term friends.

My father isn't around so I would have to walk up the aisle alone which is scary. My family don't get on with each other. We only see each other at christenings, communions etc. And it can be really awkward, they all drink quite heavily and there is usually bickering and fighting at the end of the night. I tend to leave before they all get too drunk so I am not dragged into it. We had quite a traumatic childhood and it has had a really negative impact on us as adults. My mother and sibling can be quite anti social. Not their fault but they dont make any effort to talk to people let alone each other so this is a concern for my wedding that they would in no way engage with my partners side.

Aside from my father not being in my life. I am not close to any member of my family (not for lack of trying btw) as mentioned so I would not have anyone to give a speech or anyone to go dress shopping with or help with the wedding in any way.

My partner is a really nice guy from a lovely family, good job with nice friends sometimes I wonder what he sees in me at all. All his friends are getting married to pretty girls and they are having beautiful weddings with lots of guests. So I know he wants that too not to be the only one out off all of his friends not to have a typical wedding day. Eloping is not a option.

I feel a bit lost as to what to do. I want to be married but I am not excited about having a wedding. Also I am extremely shy ! We grew up not celebrating birthdays etc. So I have never had any focused attention like a birthday party so I feel in no way prepared for having the focus of being a bride for a day ! I know its a long shot but Would anyone have any suggestion on how to do an wedding differently without eloping ...

Again sorry for long post just no idea what to do ...

Also I hope this post doesn't come across as poor ol me. I am so happy in my relationship and cant believe my partner asked me to marry him. Its just going to be painfully obvious to his family and friends that my side is lacking and questions about what I dont have anyone to give me away or give a speech.

Thanks

channelcarrie

Hi Kraftyk, some of your predicaments resonate with me so I can certainly sympathise. My parents split up when I was younger and I didn't keep in touch with father for many reasons.
I have moved around lots too and not stayed in any job for too long either so no time for building friendships. Myself and partner got married in 2013 and I worried about wedding type, etc.
I talked through it all with my partner and we decided to not do conventional at all.
We first of all decided to invite parents (not my father), brothers/sisters + partners and nieces/nephews and just 3 friends of his - there were 30 of us in all. His side made up two thirds of this but not noticeable. We got married in registry office ourselves on Thursday (just the legal bit) and then hired an actor to pretend to be a monk and marry us in front of our guests on the Friday.
It was a lovely hand fasting ceremony (in the woods - flashmob wedding style) and we wrote the ceremony ourselves which made it extra special.
We then had dinner in a hotel followed by music. To combat the late night drinkers and inevitable rows, we winded down the music about 11 and finished up about midnight.
Everyone woke up next day with clear heads so good bonus here!!
Oh, we didn't do speeches at all but a couple of people got up to say some impromptu words during the meal so no pressure here.
Also, I asked my brother to walk with me through the woods to the ceremony and it was very relaxed. My sister Has gotten married since and mum walked her down the aisle (church one).
Hope these help some. Remember it's your day and the only people you should please are yourselves. Congrats on your engagement, relax and enjoy this time!!

MissFlitworth

Was at a wedding recently, small, intimate, both sets of parents there, where the bride & groom walked down the aisle together. They weren't into being given away and all they wanted was each other, it was lovely.

I'm getting married this year and I would hate to walk down an aisle (too many eyes looking at me!) so I'll just be appearing at the top somewhere. And it'll be a small crowd and it's highly possibly my small side will be twice the size of his small side (I'm from where we're getting married, he's from far away) and no one will give a toss.

Don't get too hung up on the size of your crowd versus his, in fairness friends and family blend in a bit when you're getting married, they're your crowd too. And people will understand and they'll 'get' that not everyone has a family that can be or would be good people to have at a wedding. (and even if your perception has been at weddings that you've attended that everyone has these big, loving, engaged families that they're only delighted to have around them, you'd be surprised the brave face-ing and keeping up appearancing-ing that goes on.

Hope you have a beautiful day

dori_dormer

Was just going to mention walking up the aisle together.
Are you doing a registry office or church? The registry office we did our official paperwork in didn't even have an aisle.

My cousin and his wife walked up the ailse together. Her father wasn't in her life much at all, and she's not the type to be 'given away' . They entered their marriage as equals they said.

Other thing you could do is just have the ceremony at 3 o clock and then just have a dinner 5. After dinner you could go off in a fancy car to a hotel for the night everyone waving you off like the old days!

Princess Peach

Oh I was so set on eloping, but we came to a compromise that we are both happy with, a small wedding that we do what we want, some traditional stuff and some non traditional stuff.

Talk to your partner. You said you know he would want a wedding like his friends, but ask him. You need to find a balance you are both happy with.

I'm not wearing a wedding dress, not my style and wouldn't feel comfortable. Find something you will feel happy with, wedding dress or other. You'll be a beautiful bride if you are happy with yourself and your plan for the day

I like the idea above, of an early wedding and a lunch or afternoon tea. Could avoid the issue of drinking. We aren't having speeches either.

Talk to your parter about what you both want and find a way to meet in the middle.

KraftyK

Thank you all above for your positive feedback.

Some really good ideads I really like the idea dori_dormer mentioned about walking or entering the venue together, we have a little baby too so might be nice to come in as a family.

That so true MissFlitworth about the keeping up appearances in other families but i suppose you don't think of that when you and your family are on show on the day itself.

We will be having a civil/humanist ceremony so I really like the idea mentioned above having the wedding and early dinner to finish up early to avoid the heavy drinkers. I am sure if i spoke to businesses who design wedding invitations, they would have plently of experience to help word the invite in a nice clear way to guests that it wont be an all night affair.

Channelcarrie your wedding actually sounds so cool, unique and laid back.

Princess Peach I love that your not wearing the traditional dress , your right you will look best in what you are most comfortable in !

Thanks so much for your ideas genuinely feeling a lot more positive knowing other people have been in a similar predicament and have done their wedding they way you want to.

I suppose just need to keep hashing it out with my other half and find a compromise

Milly33

You don't sound at all at all woe is me... It is your day too..

Don't worry about being different to lets say his friends weddings and things like that, the way weddings are going now nobody wants the normal wedding the more different the more fun.

Walking down the aisle as mentioned you could do with your partner. Could have something sweet like him waiting for you at the bottom and then you arrive in with the baby, so ye still get like the first look and wow feeling (which is lovely to have)

Regarding him having more friends or people than you, don't stress about this. And don't start trying to think of people to invite just for the sake of it as you will more than likely regret this. If you don't do a lets say his and hers side then everyone ill just sit where they like. You could do up a cute sign perhaps to say pick any seat you like (wording a bit nicer but you get the jist)

And 50 isn't really small either. Tis a good number we had 110 and that for me was like wow steady on there too many to go around and meet and greet... I would be very like you me thinks regarding the attention and I must say I did find it very hard to handle I did not like it at all but with a smaller crowd also this might be easier.. Make sure and do what you want to, don't be pushed into having more people or wearing a dress that you think you have to wear, or even things on the day do what you want to that makes you comfortable...

You will be fine and it will be such a loverly day haha if you did want to make up numbers perhaps we could go...

Milly33

Typical dress also, wear what you like. I ended up getting one made from wait for it a duvet cover from Dunnes

MissFlitworth

KraftyK wrote: »

That so true MissFlitworth about the keeping up appearances in other families but i suppose you don't think of that when you and your family are on show on the day itself.

Course not I just meant that in terms of people looking at you and asking questions about why you don't have loads of family or friends about, people understand. Or don't even notice unless they go around and do a 'Bride or Groom' vox pop of your guests. And they're there to celebrate your marriage and your new family and be delighted for the 3 of you.

salmocab

I was at a small wedding a few years back the couple walked in together after greeting everyone at the door. Your mother could walk you down. Small wedding probably means that you can do things different a lot easier or with less hassle anyway.

KraftyK

Milly 33 Ha ha might have to take you up on your offer!

Oh wow , did you really have your dress made from a duvet cover?! that so cool and novel

KraftyK

MissFlitworth your completely right. I am actually being an awful person by assuming the worst of people. I just have these stupid images in my mind that his side are going to be sitting around talking to each other and poking fun which is stupid. Im prob just overly anxious , I have never had any sort of a "do" in my life so im very nervous of the day.

MissFlitworth

You're not being awful or stupid, you're being worried & anxious. Compleeeetely normal and very hard to turn off. I guess the main thing is that it's not about friends or the family you were born into, it's about your new family, the one you're making by yourself and making awesome, and it's going to be a lovely day

(And if anyone is a snidely whiplash, mean type, they're not worth your attention to begin with and shouldn't be allowed to nibble away at your joy on your wedding dy. Just means that your family isn't the only one with a few bad eggs in, your husband to be might have a couple too)

Milly33

With MissFlithworth, you are not being awful thinking people will be like this you are just worried and as you mentioned you have never had a celebration close to something like this so no wonder... Just please please do whatever makes you feel best and don't be dragged into peoples opinions of you must do this and that. Do whatever you and ye want to do..

Yep I could not find the material I wanted so in the end this was the closest I could find to it...still have it the idea was that I could do something with it after but really I don't think I will, might try sell or pass it on

SecretBride

KraftyK if you type 'wedding sign seating church' into google images there are some really lovely versions of signs to use at the ceremony and/or the meal.....along the lines of 'today 2 families become as one, choose a seat, not a side' but there are lots of versions which are all lovely.

I personally think people get too caught up at wedding time in either trying to improve on a recent family/friend wedding or doing things as people expect rather than what they want....I'm older now and have been through that before. We are getting married in 3 days (OMG!!!!!) and we are doing it our way whilst 'considering' what the family want and involving them where we can.

Our wedding absolutely will be unique mostly because nobody is expecting it but to be honest we don't even know who is attending let alone how many from each side....we have numbers for the hotel but not names of people who rsvp'd. We figure that if they want to come then they will come. They can choose their own seats both at the ceremony and for food. We want a special day for us and that's what it sounds like you want too. Think about it this way...his family will be your family and his friends your friends so 30 mins after you arrive there are no sides :-)

Having been there and done it already I think that if you arrive with your child and walk down an aisle you will really only have eyes for your husband to be as you walk down, you won't notice anybody else to be honest. Maybe have a friend on standby if the nerves overtake you?

Jbubs

You should walk in together. My dad has passed away so my mam will be walking me down the aisle with my little boy. I will be doing a first look so seeing partner just before the ceremony for a few minutes. Just us, our son and the photographer, partner won't know about this so I want the photographer to get the reactions. Not doing speeches either, we'll just very briefly thank everyone for coming. Instead of a full on reception just have a meal after the ceremony and then head off together for some time alone.

snoopy29

We also had a very small wedding (13), just the immediate family and one cousin with my best friend as a bridesmaid. We went away to Dingle and had a humanist ceremony in the venue which was a small boutique hotel. I made all the decorations for the day and did my own make up after buying some new stuff and getting some make over tips in House of Fraser. I did wear a traditional wedding dress and after the ceremony we all had a glass of prosecco in another room while the wedding ceremony room was being transformed into dinner tables. We had the ceremony around 3.30/4, then dinner was at 6 and at around 9 we got taxis into the village and sat in a traditional pub with live music and we were all home (apart from my cousin who staggered in at 5am) and in bed by midnight! None of the guests were big drinkers so it was good to have a full pub and some good craic with the atmosphere and live music.

My parents are still married but hate each other and my mother is a difficult woman at the best of times, I don't like being the centre of attention either and my husband would be quite shy too so I know how your feeling. A few people had their noses put out at not being invited etc. etc. and it being quite low key but we loved the day and I look back on it now a year later with great memories

An Bhanríon

Don't worry!!!! Google 'alternative weddings' and you will see examples of many different possibilities. And, you know, after attending so many similar weddings your guests will probably love something a bit different.

I am another bride who walked up the aisle with my partner. We both arrived outside the church around half an hour before the ceremony. (We had slept in separate houses the night before so we met outside the church.) We both then had the chance to welcome our guests as they arrived. This setup suited me down to the ground as walking in and suddenly seeing everyone for the first time would have had me in tears! It made the guests really relaxed too and was the beginning of a really fun day.

I have been to weddings too with no speeches.

The possibilities are endless. You will have a lovely day. Just promise yourself that no matter what anybody does that you are unhappy with you won't let it bother you. I had a dodgy family related situation before and on my wedding day. On the day I got somebody else to take care of it and I went ahead and enjoyed myself. I wasn't going to let it ruin my day!

Best of luck with the planning!

Milly33

endless possibilities isnt there.. giggling at the seeing everyone bit I was sick for ours and there was about 10 mins before i walked up the aisle i was like right i can do this, didnt see anyone as such and there is a picture later of me signing the reg and lookin at everyone it looks like im saying Holy F what are all these people doing here..

Speeches too are all just do them if you like, i knew my dad would not be comfortable making a speech and he was all up for it until about 2 mins before he didnt have one written or anything but he didnt do it. My brother went out wrote a quick 2 second speech and wallla it went down a treat..

there are never any rights and wrongs just think of ye and ye alone

alpha2

OP, hope the planning stage will be fun as well as stressful, but family matters are always pretty difficult, especially when it's in public! Have a few similar issues to try to deal with for my own wedding this summer so completely understand how you feel :-)

Like some of the other posters here, my fiancé and I have decided to walk up the aisle together - we've been living together for about ten years so I like the idea of our wedding day as a continuation of a happy decade, rather than being "given away" from my family home.

Was at a friend's wedding last summer, and for various reasons, neither father was making a speech, so the best man and chief bridesmaid spoke, then the bride and groom said a quick thank you, and it was lovely. I'm pretty sure no-one missed speeches from the parents!

Good luck with everything and hope you have a fabulous day!