Building confidence and creating new a identity where do i go from here?

Audioh8

Ok, so as stated I'm a 22 yr old guy, average looking and having relatively poor social skills.
My question is really how do I even begin to develop myself as an adult, ie creating an identity for myself?

My lack of social skills, coupled with poor self esteem and a severe lack of confidence have resulted in me feeling pretty lost at the moment following the end of my term as a college student.
The catch is, people tend to perceive me as a guy who is simply arrogant or disinterested in them due to the barrier I have created to deal with my insecurities and anxieties.

I guess, what I am looking for is advice from people who have been/are in a similar situation, or anyone's opinion positive or negative on my situation.

I feel myself that by changing myself in a massive way (getting in great shape, throwing money at the dentist, new clothes etc etc) will result in an upturn of myself on some level, although I'm also aware this would most likely be a short term spike in how I feel about myself. Then again, I live in a society now where looks and appearances are used to assess someone, therefore with a radical physical overhaul would I then find myself in a better position to live my life?

thanks for reading, much appreciated!

HalloweenJack

What you wrote is exactly how I felt at exactly the same age.

Personally, I needed to fix what was inside first before I could improve on the outside. There's only so far a new look and putting on a brave face can take you. Real confidence will only come once you've sorted yourself out on the inside, I believe.

mzungu

Audioh8 wrote: »

I feel myself that by changing myself in a massive way (getting in great shape, throwing money at the dentist, new clothes etc etc) will result in an upturn of myself on some level,

Exercise and proper diet will almost certainly result in a mood boost, its great for the body and the mind. If you have a local gym pop in and see if they have any new year deals on membership or classes.

You are quite right there, dental work can indeed be a great booster for confidence. Know tonnes of people (myself included) who got work done. I would recommend it.

although I'm also aware this would most likely be a short term spike in how I feel about myself.

The good feeling from pretty much everything eventually fades, but that is natural. Look at it as one small part of an overall plan on changing your life so you move towards a goal of always feeling good about yourself. Increasing your self esteem will be part of this. This needs to be worked on in order for everything else to work too.

Then again, I live in a society now where looks and appearances are used to assess someone, therefore with a radical physical overhaul would I then find myself in a better position to live my life?

Looks and appearances are accessed but a hell of a lot more comes into play too like personality etc. Here is where I would say that anything you do, be it gym, dentist etc , make sure you are doing it just for you. At the end of the day, nobody else or their judgements matter, it is all about what you feel you need to do for you.

My lack of social skills, coupled with poor self esteem and a severe lack of confidence have resulted in me feeling pretty lost at the moment following the end of my term as a college student.
The catch is, people tend to perceive me as a guy who is simply arrogant or disinterested in them due to the barrier I have created to deal with my insecurities and anxieties.

You are still young, and to be honest ill bet a hell of a lot of your peers are in the same position as you. Try not to worry about that. They have different coping mechanisms. Nobody expects you to have it all figured out at this early stage.

Regarding barriers and anxieties, joining clubs that interest you is always an easy hassle free way to meet people with similar interests. Few threads in this forum about it IIRC.

Pepe LeFrits

I know how you feel, OP. I was the same when I finished college. When you spend your whole life 'on rails' it can be pretty scary when you graduate and don't have a predefined next step.

I'd recommend doing some traveling on your own. There are a lot of resources these days (Meetup, Couchsurfing etc) that can make it less intimidating than it might have once been, but you’ll still develop a lot of skills (practical ones, as well as social) out of necessity.

I did 3 months city hopping around the States in my mid twenties and it developed me enormously; gave me more confidence, changed my perspectives on a lot of stuff and made me a couple of lifelong friends in the process. Thinking of doing it again next year actually.

OneoOne1

Hi

Personally, I found a post on boards.ie "Depression and how I overcame it" one of the most important things I ever read. Reading it was the catlyst to getting me to start making a change in my life

You may not be suffereing from depression but it may help with your anxiety.

Anyway, hopefully it may benefit you.

mr.anonymous

I could have written that nearly word for word.

I finished college last year and was in much the same position. There can be a lot of internal 'noise' in your mind about your insecurities and blaming yourself for people supposedly not liking you.

I wouldn't buy the "fake it til you make it" thing. You need to build confidence in yourself first. A lot of advice like this sounds like clichés but.. Eating right and some exercise is good for body and mind. Don't shy away from social situations, learn from them.

I found reading books like 'Quiet' by Susan Cain (about introvers) and others help you understand your own psychology better.

I'm thinking about travelling and different things myself. Trying not to let anxieties get in the way of the idea.

A lot of people have the same issues. The loud confident people can often be just as insecure. Don't use them as a yardstick.

JRant

Hi OP, congrats on finishing college. That should be the first boost in your confidence right there.

I can fully relate to where you are right now. I think most people have reached that stage where they question every aspect of their lives.

The biggest hurdle I found was that I was too harsh on myself and as a result I assumed everyone thought the same about me. The truth I found was that others were kinder to me than I was to myself.

It is fear that will hold you back:
• Fear of rejection by other people
• Fear of looking foolish if you don't say the right thing
• Fear of not looking the right way
• etc etc

Don't let fear rule you. People deal with this in many different ways. For me, I found that this fear was a good thing. It means that you care about something enough to really want it so instead of letting it stop you from doing these things make it work for you.

Make a list of goals that you want to achieve. Start simple, that way you gradually build up your confidence. Get fit, exercising releases endorphins which are natures 'pick me up'. Join a club as it's a great way to meet people in a natural environment (pubs and nightclubs are not). Also remember that 99% of people are genuinely nice and just want to get along, the same as yourself.

Above all else, do not sell yourself short. You may not realise it now but you have a lot to offer others.

Happy new year and I wish you the very best on your journey.