outside perspective needed - overthinking

silverbolt

Well I have a really annoying habit of over thinking.

So about a month ago I met a woman. She's pretty awesome, tall, intelligent, funny, fire in her belly and hot as hell.

Gotta say something unusual happened, we found ourselves really opening up to each other, we both told things that I/we wouldnt normally share, one thing i told it took me nearly a year to confide to my ex.

We ended back at mine, slept together and i took her home, This is also unusual as i dont normally bring people i dont know back to my house.

We chatted a bit the next day but nothing major. I did ask her for an actual "date" but she turned me down. She said she gets scared easily (going by what i know about her past and the way she has been treated by men its understandable - shes been through some serious brutality) and i realise now that by asking for something official so soon was enough to make her freak a bit. She did follow up with "great guy and want to be friends" So we have stayed in contact.

Met up the next week (nothing happened we just danced all night) and then this weekend we met again in the pub, got some takeaway, went back to mine and did nothing but talk until stupid oclock in the morning. She only went home when she was pretty much falling asleep I cant remember the last time i did something like that.

I do like her (quite a bit actually seeing as we've only met a month before) but I'm unsure how to proceed. We dont talk every day or anything like that but she is on my mind and I guess I'm on hers as she does message me quickly if i message her. Considering her past (and she has had one of the worst cases of domestic abuse ive heard of) I can understand her being somewhat standoffish in regards to me (and yet took a chance coming back to a strangers house) but shes opened up to me. Im thinking that slow and steady is very important in this race.

But because im an overthinker im wondering if she only sees me as a friend and im dubious about broaching the subject too soon in case she thinks im being pushy. Does she only see me as a new mate? Yet even when im writing this im also thinking she does like me and i just need to take my time. Damn my head at times.

Sorry for long winded post. Hope it makes sense. I will also point out i went through an emotionally abusive relationship myself for two years and whilst ive put those ghosts to rest sometimes i still worry about finding another nightmare.

silverharp

I think your warning system is working anyway. its not your job to fix poor souls, it sounds like she needs to find her own path so she can get over whatever happened in her past. you could give it one more date and see if it goes along like a normal date but if it starts to go all friendzone drop her home and call it a day

LegacyUser

To above poster, you talk about friendzoned like it's a bad thing but given the women's past relationship experience it may start off slow but that doesn't mean it won't work longterm.
OP, I would suggest if you could see her in your future to give it another go. I would make it clear to her that you understand it will take time to gain her trust but can she seeing it becoming a relationship down the line. No point in pussy footing around,you should just put it out there.

silverbolt

silverharp wrote: »

I think your warning system is working anyway. its not your job to fix poor souls, it sounds like she needs to find her own path so she can get over whatever happened in her past. you could give it one more date and see if it goes along like a normal date but if it starts to go all friendzone drop her home and call it a day

Fixing her is tbh the last thing i intend to do. Ive been there done that and never again.

I accept people have baggage and demons (we all do) but i agree she needs to have solved them (or at least put them to bed) herself

Shrap

silverbolt wrote: »

Fixing her is tbh the last thing i intend to do. Ive been there done that and never again.

I accept people have baggage and demons (we all do) but i agree she needs to have solved them (or at least put them to bed) herself

Well, in accepting people have baggage and demons, we also have to accept that relationships under those circumstances may not look like "conventional" relationships at least to start with, and both of you may tiptoe a very fine line between freaking out/running a mile and gradually letting feelings in for quite a while.

I would suggest that if you are to give this lady a fighting chance to come at something meaningful between the both of you, then give her as much space as possible while making sure she knows there's room for more intimacy as and when she's able for it. It will take reining in your feelings a little and accepting that at any stage this could go tits up in a ditch, and in fact, if you're particularly adult about this, you could tell her at some stage that this is a chance you're willing to take.

I spent the best part of 18 months like this with my partner of nearly 5 yrs now (best relationship ever, by a long shot) and he ran a few times, petrified of loving someone again. We talked it out again and again (because honesty, friendship and trust was the basis of what we were about, right from the start - sounds like you two really) and essentially it worked out that the risks were worth it. All the while though, I was working on the premise that it might not pan out but was a risk worth taking.

I'd say "friend zoning" is actually a good basis for an honest start to something that might blossom into a lovely thing, but you may get hurt of course. Always be honest with yourself and her about how much you are willing to hurt for the chance at this. She will hopefully come to trust you, given time.

Edit: Oh, and btw, my partner couldn't/wouldn't commit to what he was doing the next day at first, even though he'd want to meet up, so I couldn't even plan a dinner! Turned into a running joke actually where I'd be saying "oh right, well if you don't show, that's grand and I'll eat the two steaks. No pressure ;-)". Baby steps OP. Don't ask for dates, just tell it like it is - "It would be really nice to meet up with you this weekend, if you're about/into it?", "Want to go for a walk?" - that kind of thing.

silverbolt

Shrap wrote: »

Well, in accepting people have baggage and demons, we also have to accept that relationships under those circumstances may not look like "conventional" relationships at least to start with, and both of you may tiptoe a very fine line between freaking out/running a mile and gradually letting feelings in for quite a while.

I would suggest that if you are to give this lady a fighting chance to come at something meaningful between the both of you, then give her as much space as possible while making sure she knows there's room for more intimacy as and when she's able for it. It will take reining in your feelings a little and accepting that at any stage this could go tits up in a ditch, and in fact, if you're particularly adult about this, you could tell her at some stage that this is a chance you're willing to take.

I spent the best part of 18 months like this with my partner of nearly 5 yrs now (best relationship ever, by a long shot) and he ran a few times, petrified of loving someone again. We talked it out again and again (because honesty, friendship and trust was the basis of what we were about, right from the start - sounds like you two really) and essentially it worked out that the risks were worth it. All the while though, I was working on the premise that it might not pan out but was a risk worth taking.

I'd say "friend zoning" is actually a good basis for an honest start to something that might blossom into a lovely thing, but you may get hurt of course. Always be honest with yourself and her about how much you are willing to hurt for the chance at this. She will hopefully come to trust you, given time.

Edit: Oh, and btw, my partner couldn't/wouldn't commit to what he was doing the next day at first, even though he'd want to meet up, so I couldn't even plan a dinner! Turned into a running joke actually where I'd be saying "oh right, well if you don't show, that's grand and I'll eat the two steaks. No pressure ;-)". Baby steps OP. Don't ask for dates, just tell it like it is - "It would be really nice to meet up with you this weekend, if you're about/into it?", "Want to go for a walk?" - that kind of thing.

Thank you so much for this Shap.

Going by what you've said i do think I am starting on the same road you did.

We have been honest with each other at this point and I do intend to just show her that there is no pressure and we do get on very well as friends (I will say though that I dont believe in the friendzone, if two people like each other then it can happen, if they dont it wont) - she knows i like her and thats enough for now.

I am aware that i walk a knife edge. It could go tits up but then so can any relationship. We cant tell the future but so far she does seem worth it.

Shrap

silverbolt wrote: »

she knows i like her and thats enough for now.

I am aware that i walk a knife edge. It could go tits up but then so can any relationship. We cant tell the future but so far she does seem worth it.

Good one! Take it handy