What To Do About Meetup With Old Friend

LegacyUser

So I posted here about 2 years ago concerning my friends from secondary school, at this point we were in (different) colleges. I had the same 2 best friends all the way through secondary school, one of which I was friends with even long before then. They began to get friendly with another group of girls in our year who didn't seem to particularly warm to me, but I was ok with it. However it began to transpire that my friends were going out together with this other group of girls, all the time, (nights out, day trips across the country, etc) and would never (not once) invite me or even mention it to me, and occasionally lie to me about it, I was supposed to be completely in the dark about it all. So one day I told my fried that it was really hurting me that they were going out all the time and never inviting me, to which she responded "we'll talk about this later" and well, we never did. A few weeks later they all went out as a group again on a night out (at this point they were going on nights out in our hometown nearly ever week whist at 19 years of age I had only been out twice-for my grad and my debs) so following the advice of the good people on this forum I decided to cut my ties with them. I didn't or only gave brief responses to fb messages/snaps/texts.

This meant I lost all my friends from my hometown, and that weekends/holidays are incredibly lonely. However whenever I see them I am always polite. One of the girls who I was best friends with was wondering if the pair of us could meet up, have a chat sometime over the holidays. I agreed, whilst I do no longer consider her a friend really, I was following the advice of a poster in my last thread suggesting I "demote them" in my head, converting them from A listers to D listers in terms of friends, and that rather being the friends I turn to, meet up with them only once or twice a year instead. However they recently had a falling out with one of the girls who was in that group. We both have a mutual friend (who lives in another country) and in a group chat between the 3 of us, this other girl revealed that whilst "the leader" of their group would never even consider to invite me on their outings/nights outs, whenever the other girls in the groups used to ask where I was my the two best friends would say that they had invited me but I had claimed I was too busy or didnt want to come, which is a horrid bare face lie-I was never told anything of these plans, and when I did eventually cut myself off from these 2 people when questioned about where I was they would say I had new friends and didn't care about them anymore, which once again isn't true. I have no friends in my hometown.

The fact now that I have learned that the other girls did wonder where I was but my two "best friends" lied to them, making them think I was invited to these outings has angered me. Not only did they regularly lie to me, their lies were more callous than that, portraying me as a bad guy of sorts, that I was the one who was not interested in making friendships that I was declining invites left right and center, that I was deliberately being antisocial. I knew they had chosen not to invite me to these events prior to this girl's revelation, and lied to my face about their plans, but they lied to these other girls deliberately. My parent thinks I shouldn't meet up with this girl now. And honestly I'm torn-I want to be polite but at the same time I'm angry. I don't know what I would say to her. I know its in the past, but this has shown them to be extremely 2 faced and devious. I'm just so torn-I want to be be polite and make light-hearted conversation but on the other hand I'm angry and don't think that is possible....Opinions welcome please

And sorry for the long post

Neyite

The girl you are intending on meeting up was one of the two who lied to group 2 and said they had invited you to all these things but hadn't? She ditched you in favour of other friends, which is bad enough but engineered your exclusion from your social group which is nasty. Now because she's fell out with her new besties, she wants to renew the friendship with you as a substitute.

I wouldn't bother tbh. You'll get ditched again when another group she wants to impress comes along. That's not a true friend. And even if she was genuine about making amends, do you really want to be friends with an inconsiderate liar? But I really suspect her coming back to you is only because she's at a loose end and not that she's had a crisis of conscience.

Taltos

Agree with the above, there is no way you should consider meeting her. No matter your intentions anything you say will be twisted there and used by her as a way back into that group.

Some people are just users, thankfully you spotted this of her before you spent years more in her company, don't think you should let yourself be dragged back into that drama. Clearly she and her "friends" are watching too much Housewives of New Jersey or similar.

HelgaWard

I think you sound like you need answers. Maybe meeting this 'friend' will give you the opportunity to get them. You never know she may wish to apologise for her behavior, which might give you a closure of sorts.

gumbo1

If it was me in the same position op I'd meet this "friend" and see what she has to say. Then I'd question her about the information you've gathered, about them lying to the other group and why. If your still of the opinion that she was being 2 faced, I'd tell her your cutting ties say your goodbyes and leave.
I was in a position a few years ago where I had to make a decision to stay hanging around with a group who were starting to get into stuff I didn't like or walk away from a group of 15 lads that were friends for over 10 years. I walked away. It was tough having to make big changes to your days, where you would normally meet up 4 5 days a week to not having anyone to even text or call randomly but ya know what? It wised me up, I knew what people were like, understood that not everyone was as honest as me which made me think about the type of friend I wanted. Now I have a small circle of good friends that show respect to each other and don't lie about things.
OP only you can make the decision whether or not you want to be friends again with these 2 lads or not. I would advise to meet her and see what she has to offer and go from there, for all you know she may want to level with you and apologise for her behaviour. If you don't you may end up wondering what would have come from the meeting! Go for it but with an attitude of "I'm taking no BS"

retro:electro

Op I want to say fair play to you, you seem to have handled yourself very well in this situation and acted with dignity. I remember your old thread, and I also remember some of the responses telling you that without fail she will come crawling back to you once this new superficial friendship has ended, and here she is. I know it's tempting to meet up with her armed with all of this new info and see what she has to say for herself, but the truth is none of that matters now. She has proven herself to be a horrible, devious person, all she will do is lie to your face once more. I can't believe after all she has done to you that she even has the audacity to ask to meet up, she really has no shame in trying to take you for a mug. You need to show her you're beyond this now, you're above all of it and you have moved on. Reply and say you won't be meeting up with her, wish her well and then remove yourself from her group chats. Best of luck.

Sinister Kid

If I was in your position I would go meet her & see what she has to say for herself. I would calmly & politely call her out on her behavior & tell her exactly how hurtful she was. She was bang out of order and it won't do her any harm to know it. I would also tell her that you are thankful that you are not in the company of such horrible people anymore & emphasize how happy you are since YOU made the decision not to have her in your life.

PinkLemonade

I had a different but equally upsetting experience with school friends, I didn't have to forgive them but I did in the end (after a few years passed and they grew up).

They apologised for how they treated me but our friendships aren't the same anymore, but I'm happy they are in my life; when my mum passed away they were the only ones who knew her properly and it was a great comfort to have that.

I was excluded by one girl in particular a lot in school, now she's the one who gets left out and she confides in me how it upsets her - its a bit ironic.

MikeSD

Have some respect for yourself and just ignore her. If you were to meet her after all this time it will just smell of desperation on your part.

robbiezero

Sinister Kid wrote: »

If I was in your position I would go meet her & see what she has to say for herself. I would calmly & politely call her out on her behavior & tell her exactly how hurtful she was. She was bang out of order and it won't do her any harm to know it. I would also tell her that you are thankful that you are not in the company of such horrible people anymore & emphasize how happy you are since YOU made the decision not to have her in your life.

I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of knowing she had any impact whatsoever on your life, whether or not you decide to meet her.

LegacyUser

Am I missing something OP as I really don't understand why you care so much about these girls. Serisouly your not in secondary school anymore, have you not made any new friends in college? Do you have to come home every weekend/holiday? Can you not stay near college and go out or are you commuting to college from your hometown?

Honestly would drive me cracked to be going out with the same crowd of people I went to secondary school with. Time to move on OP, join some clubs etc and get more social outside of this group as it just sounds toxic.

kjl

OP can you confirm that the girl who wants to meet up is one of the same who was saying that you had been invited to these events.

If this is the case, I wouldn't even bother meeting up with her. I would send a text saying something like "Oh, are you actually inviting me out this time, so good of you to remember me now all your other friends have abandoned you"

It's something I really only learned in my 30's but some people are just bad people and just because they have been in your life for a long time doesn't mean they are your real friends.

This girl purposely went out of her way to exclude you, why would you even consider hearing what she has to say. She will try to manipulate you into thinking that she didn't do anything wrong and then immediately go back and twist whatever you said to be friends with the queen bee again.

It's up to you, but I try to avoid negative people in my life.

SAMTALK

I can see why people are telling OP to forget about meeting up with this girl but I do think OP might need some answers. Maybe OP you should meet her but remind yourself how much she hurt you. Listen to what she has to say but to be honest I wouldnt expect any rekindling of the friendship and I think once someone hurts you like this it is hard to get back to where you were.
Best of luck

dixiefly

WhatToDo111 wrote: »

This meant I lost all my friends from my hometown, and that weekends/holidays are incredibly lonely. However whenever I see them I am always polite. One of the girls who I was best friends with was wondering if the pair of us could meet up, have a chat sometime over the holidays. I agreed, whilst I do no longer consider her a friend really, I was following the advice of a poster in my last thread suggesting I "demote them" in my head, converting them from A listers to D listers in terms of friends, and that rather being the friends I turn to, meet up with them only once or twice a year instead. However they recently had a falling out with one of the girls who was in that group. We both have a mutual friend (who lives in another country) and in a group chat between the 3 of us, this other girl revealed that whilst "the leader" of their group would never even consider to invite me on their outings/nights outs, whenever the other girls in the groups used to ask where I was my the two best friends would say that they had invited me but I had claimed I was too busy or didnt want to come, which is a horrid bare face lie-I was never told anything of these plans, and when I did eventually cut myself off from these 2 people when questioned about where I was they would say I had new friends and didn't care about them anymore, which once again isn't true. I have no friends in my hometown.

If I am reading this correctly this "friend" knows that the OP knows about the lies and deception regarding the OP coming to events.

I wonder is this request to meet on the foot of that.

Myself, I am torn regarding what to do. I think I would meet but meet somewhere you can make your points witout it becoming an embarrassing scene. I would mention nothing about the issue and let her bring it up apologise etc. But then ask her outright why she did this to you. Watch her squirm or attempt to explain. Then go your seperate ways and you decide when, if ever, to meet again.

There is probably no absolute right answer to this, it depends on the Op's own mindset and also how contrite (if at all) the friend is.

orthsquel

OP did you arrange to meet up "out of politeness" in the sense that it would be one of those things "we must do" but never actually arrange? Or do you have concrete plans to meet her?

If you have concrete plans to meet her, has your motivation to meet up with her changed? I can understand you are angry with the new information but are you still meeting up with her "out of politeness" in the frame of mind as she is demoted in your head or to confront her? Or even resume the friendship? What would be your motivation in meeting up with her now with all that information and her lies?

I'd be wary... she could be looking to touch base, for a shoulder to cry on... My biggest worry for you would be that you'd be setting yourself up to be used as a friend when she has no one else following on from a falling out. I'd be careful because falling outs can be temporary and she sounds like she'd drop you quickly if she was welcomed back to the group.

If you didn't meet up with her, would you regret it? And what do you want to be the end result for yourself OP?

tomwaterford

Why would you want to meet up with her??
After she ditched you and most likely would again....if you are contemplating it....don't it when it suits you,...don't go out of your way to do it

ziedth

I don't want to offend anyone by saying this as a generalisation but my wife recently gave birth to my daughter and I really fear when it comes to her teens etc and dealing with this kind stuff because I honestly won't know how to help that as a lad in the 90's I don't remember there being much of it. Your friends were your friends and if you didn't get on with someone you knew where you stood.

Having said all that OP I don't want to make light of your issue there as it is a horrible thing to do. If it were me I think I'd in jo uncertain terms tell her you know exactly what they did and they can go **** themselves . Your better then that, I know it must he hard to go to and have no friends but you are going to be a stronvery person for it ya know?

LegacyUser

OP here.

Thank you all very much for all your kind responses, for having taken the time to read my rather lengthy post and for taking the time to mull it over and reply! I will most certainly be taking your advice on board and evaluating what is perhaps my best option given the different points you have all mentioned in the thread

I'd just like to straighten something out, because I dont think I was quite clear about it in my original post. Lets call my old 2 best friends "Anna" and "Betty", and it is Anna who suggested meeting up. The girl I am in the group chat with was part of this other group of girls Anna and Betty got friendly with, lets call her "Ciara". Ciara had a falling out with the remainder of the group for much the same reasons I stopped talking to my old 2 best friends-she wasnt being invited out (or at least not often-among other reasons) as she used to be, however their "falling out" seems to have been a bit dramatic in comparison. There were actual arguments involved and she will blank the other girls if she sees them out and has blocked them from all social media-she openly despises these girls. I have infact already met up with Ciara, and will be meeting up with her again in the near future. I realise that I am perhaps being used as a crutch here-but I am ok with it, for now atleast. She does have other friends from college and her local area who she knows well and goes out with. I don't expect any real friendship to perhaps form, we do not have much in common but I am happy to occasionally meet up with her for coffee and a chat.

Anna suggested meeting up via a text wishing me a Merry Christmas. To which I agreed. Ciaras falling out with these girls occoured during summer, and it was in a group chat with Ciara a few days afterwards that it was revealed she believed I was being invited to at least some of the events that were being organised, that Anna and Betty had claimed I declined invitations from. It was a few days after this Ciara and I met up. However, just two days ago Anna inquired again about "catching up", asking what day I was free.

I actually did already meet Betty earlier this year (October) when she came to my college town as part of an assignment. We had arranged to meet up. She did infact ask me why I had stopped talking to them and I told her why, she apologised and said I should come out with them at some point in the future-however that was three months ago and no invitation was ever made, not that I was expecting one. I do not think she told the others, even Anna, my reasons; I do not think Anna is aware at all for my reasons for not talking to her anymore, given my earlier meeting with Betty it seems they thought I stopped talking to them for no reason at all.

orthsquel

Sorry Op I was getting the wrong end of the stick there from the opening post re who fell out.

If Anna is as clueless as Betty was about why you stopped talking to them, what do you think her reasons then are for looking to meet up?

I think if you take what Ciara has said in that group chat out of the equation it really boils down to do you want to meet up with Anna? And would you regret not meeting up with her? How did you feel after meeting up with Betty and explaining to her your reasons for stopping talking to her? You say despite an apology and a suggestion to go out, no invite came, of which you expected none anyway. Do you think Anna is going to be any different than that?

I think the fact that you expected no invitation despite the suggestion from Betty says something - no expectations at all from either of them. So I'd assume that even if you meet up with Anna then, you'd expect nothing to come of it at all?

The only difference is knowing about the lying which has made you feel angry. You were only otherwise going to meet up with Anna out of politeness as someone you might meet up with once or twice a year, does it still even make sense to do that? If you're worried you're just going to confront her then ask yourself, is there a better way to handle the anger you feel over the lying than seeking a confrontation during what is otherwise a meeting out of politeness and is it worth it all to make you feel the way you feel, or could feel afterwards? Are you going to feel any better about the whole entire situation if you do meet up with Anna? Will it accomplish anything for you to feel like you can move on from what happened and without worrying over stuff to do with Anna and Betty again?

In a lot of ways OP, it's 2016, it sounds like you've been dragged down enough by worries to do with Anna and Betty... perhaps sticking to meeting up casually once or twice a year just to be polite (and not expecting much to come from it) is not the right way for you and perhaps it is time for you to cut them loose completely, get a fresh start from them entirely this year.

banoffe2

There is no right or wrong answers here for the OP, however I think having good self respect and boundaries is important.
A query for OP here, if you put yourself in the shoes of a best friend sharing this with you and asking your opinion what would you be likely to suggest?
also what is your motivation for meeting her? I think if it were me, I would keep putting her off saying that I was busy and hope that she would eventually get the message, I did this with someone last year who was using me, and taking advantage of my sincerity and kindness and it worked, they got the message eventually, I was always polite, even if they rang I would say that I cant talk now and wish them well, it was hard to do and tempting to go back but no regrets. I wouldn't want her to let her know or give her the satisfaction of telling her how much she hurt me. If this person is worth having back in your life she will need to work much harder to earn your time and respect. Best of luck what ever you decide.

Panthro

If I'm reading it correctly, your two "friends" lied on your behalf to the group that you were always busy.
And now of one of the two friends wants to meet you, well guess what supposed best friend, you're took busy to meet her! You've done the time thanks to them two, you might as well do the crime now and be too busy to meet up with either of them!

In other words, don't bother yer Barney with either of them.

banoffe2

I agree 100% with Pantro, time to wise up, learn from experience and let go, no need to lower your price tag just because its a New Year, be busy and take good care of yourself OP, you deserve better than that. X