Losing my best friend

LegacyUser

Regular user going unreg for a bit of advice!

One of my oldest, dearest friends is slipping away from me largely because of how complacent I've been about the friendship and I don't know how to make things right.

I'm female, late 20s and have lived all over the world for the last number of years. Friends have come and gone in a big way since then, most of my childhood friendships have dissolved but this girl, let's call her Jane, has always remained loyal and has been there for me thru thick and thin.

i eventually moved to the same city as her about 18 months ago after years of gallivanting around the world, and where i thought we'd go back to best buddies doing everything together, it hasn't really been that way. I got embroiled in a busy job with a hectic schedule and my social life fell by the wayside, we'd meet up sporadically but i largely stopped making an effort with her and i suppose she took it to heart.

in the last six months i changed jobs and met my boyfriend, she's also been going out with someone in the last year and those sporadic meetings have just stopped. last time i saw her was august, she was wondering why she had't seen in me ages, i told her things were busy and stressful but i'd make more of an effort. i guess life took over and i didn't.

i saw on facebook last week that she's leaving our city and off travelling the world with her new OH in a few weeks and i just broke down. it's like it suddenly hit me how much i've been taking the friendship for granted and it's hit me that this will draw a further wedge between us. and it hit me that i know virtually nothing about her life anymore, this girl that has been so loyal and supportive and more like a sister to me. The girl i went travelling with, went on holidays with, laughed with and cried with and shared everything with.

i guess im looking for advice on how to make things right, and how to salvage the friendship before she leaves. i feel there's a stalemate there that needs to be fixed, or else i'll lose her forever. i've lost a fair few friends over the years, and understand this is just a part of life, people come and go - but this friendship means the world to me, even though ive been crap at showing it, and i'll be devastated if we become strangers to each other.

i've texted her wishing her well and saying i'd love to meet before she heads off, got back a few vague half-hearted texts but that's it. i think she's given up on me. what can i do?

zoobizoo

Pick up the phone.

Talk to her.

HelgaWard

zoobizoo wrote: »

Pick up the phone.

Talk to her.

^ This!! Ring her and make a huge effort to go an meet her. Tell her you are sorry you did not make the most of the time you were both in the same city. Maybe give her a thoughtful gift for her travels, like a travelling survival kit that you put together. Just make an effort and she will appreciate that. Also while she is away, stay in touch, ring her/e-mail her or text her. If she contacts you reply quickly. All these things show you care.

LegacyUser

This may seem harsh at first but I would say you need to accept the old friendship you had with this person has changed for ever. That doesn't mean it has gone, but as you get older your relationships in general will change. As you said between travelling, career, boyfriends and all the other little demands on life how could it not? There is no going back to the way it was when you were growing up. In fact it will only get even more difficult to hold onto that as time goes on - think about possible marriages and children in years to come.

On a more positive note, nothing will ever change the memories and history you have with your friend - all those tears and laughs will always exist. The two of you have drifted apart somewhat but that dosn't mean you cant forge a new friendship for the future, one that recognises all the other things going on in both your lives. Make the effort to reach out and tell her how you feel. Try and agree to set aside a little time every month or 2 months or whatever time you think is realistic to meet up. You might have to take more of the initiative as you were away. With really true friends you can be apart for years and once you sit down and start talking it feels like yesterday since you seen them.

Social media gives us the illusion of keeping in touch with people by peeking in on their life. The reality is friendships take effort as you get older and without it you will drift apart, only to occasionally bump into each other at the odd wedding or event. And then sometimes people change too much and old friendships die, but there is no reason to think that yet! Call her.