How to move on and re-connect with OH?

Livingroom

Hi just looking for some advice/opinions...I don't want to f**k up my marriage.

Have been with my OH for 15 years (married for 5) and we have 3 young kids together. We've had our ups and downs over the years mainly over sex. I didn't want as much so used to make up excuses which has understandably left him feeling totally rejected. He would in turn say some horrible things and basically the spark went out (for me anyway) over the last few years. Throw in 3 kids, both working full-time and not a lot of alone time together and I suppose I started to resent my life a little.

Then about 8 months ago at a work party I found out that a fella I work with (and have fancied for a couple of years) had feelings for me. We started texting which quickly turned into sexting. This went on for about a week and made me feel so alive. The work fella put a stop to it as he has a GF and the guilt was eating him up. This devastated me as it made me realize 1) that I'm capable of cheating and up to that point I have been totally faithful...never even looked at anyone else and 2) how much trouble me and the OH were in.
I talked to my OH about how I felt (didn't say anything about the work fella as would have devastated him) that the spark was gone and that I realized I didn't fancy him anymore. We spent hours talking in which he got annoyed and was hurt because in his head I would always fancy him. We resolved to both work on it. I went to counselling to try to sort my head out because I still had to work with the work fella and still fancied him like mad. And I wanted to try to figure out why I would consider this in the first place.
Anyway we were back another few months later sexting....this time more intense. Then he put a stop to it again saying he wanted me but the guilt was too much. I had started to develop feelings him but know that it can't go anywhere unless I want to hurt so many people (which I don't).

My problem is how do I get over these feelings that I have? And how do I start to fancy my OH again? I want to fast forward to next year and for both of us to be happy in our marriage together.

Payton

Simple. Tell the work guy to stop texting you...and you block his number and do it now!!
Do as you said you would do with your OH and work on building your relationship back up. There is no magic switch to make you love your OH but with the distraction of the work guy who's out for a cheap thrill you can start day by day to work on things.

Virgil°

I think you should break up with your husband. You'd probably have left him already if this work guy were able to offer you anything more than a few raunchy texts.I feel very sorry for your husband.

but know that it can't go anywhere unless I want to hurt so many people (which I don't)

Unfortunately you already are hurting them. I can guarantee you that.
You see guys in threads here all the time devastated by their OH no longer showing any interest in them but they're too afraid to leave because they're still in love/ holding out hope/ afraid of legal reprocussions with kids involved etc.... Probably the same position your husband is in at this moment

My problem is how do I get over these feelings that I have? And how do I start to fancy my OH again?

IME , you don't. Once the spark is gone it doesn't come back. And that's ok. Whats not ok is borderline cheating as a result. Do him a favour and leave the guy find someone who wants him, sort out an amicable solution for your children/access and move on with your lives seperately. This is the greatest mercy you can show to your husband and simultaneously probably the best environment you can provide for your kids.

Livingroom

Hi thanks for the replies.

I can say that I was excited by this new attention and working with someone everyday without the distractions of everyday living is very easy to only see the nice side to them. I wouldn't throw my marriage away unless I was 100% sure that it couldn't be salvaged which is why I went to counselling and spoke to my OH about my feelings. Yes I agree (after speaking to him) that he has been so upset over me rejecting him over the years which we never really talked about before. I can honestly say that I feel like a piece of sh*t for making him feel this way.

Payton I'm going to do just that and work on being a much better wife.

b_mac2

Why don't you fancy him anymore? Has he put on lots of weight and/or generally just stopped looking after himself?

Mr. Incognito

Well Kudos to you for being honest.

Love goes out of every relationship after a while. That's why you are better to be with someone who is on the same wavelength as you so even when the amazing fireworks wear off you can still be around each other and have a laugh.

You need to work on your relationship away from the kids and hassle of life.

Get a babysitter, have date nights, talk to him, tell jokes, learn to laugh together again.

If you don'tit's going to go down the swanny

ElleEm

Livingroom wrote: »

My problem is how do I get over these feelings that I have? And how do I start to fancy my OH again? I want to fast forward to next year and for both of us to be happy in our marriage together.

Put a stop to texting this fella in work. Tell him to cut it out, then block his number. How would you feel if your husband was sexting some girl from work for cheap thrills? It is unacceptable in a marriage to treat your spouse this way.

I agree with Mr Incognito, you need to bring the excitement back into your relationship with your husband. What made you fall in love with him in the first place? Reignite that! Be open and playful and tactile with one another. Whether it is going for long walks alone, going to the cinema, going dancing or locking yourselves in a hotel room for the weekend, you need to shake up how you are living your lives. Maybe even have a night of no electronics once a week when the kids go to bed. No TV, laptops or phones. Just chat about your day/ week over a glass of wine.

zephyro

Livingroom wrote: »

My problem is how do I get over these feelings that I have? And how do I start to fancy my OH again?

OP according to several prominent scientists, this is because you're biologically hardwired to fall out of love so you'll go and find someone new. If they're right, you can only get over these feelings by avoiding any contact with the guy in work but there's no way in the short-term of fancying your OH again.

Augme

I'd recommend joint marriage counselling for a start and possibly counselling for him. If you've been rejecting him for years his self-esteem is probably very low. I don't know if the idea of nights together is going to turn that around. Chances are it's going to take a lot more work than that.

Sleepy

Are you still having sex with your husband? The hormones released by an orgasm are a large part of what we experience as "love" and help us bond with our partners

I heard a lady on the radio last year talking about how herself and her husband ended up in a similar rut after 10/20 years of marriage so agreed to try having sex every night for a year regardless of whether they were tired or initially felt like it. It re-ignited the spark for them and she was saying that they still carry on like newly weds a decade later.

If you find you don't enjoy sex with him at all, it's probably gone beyond saving but if it's a case of not being in the mood until you get into the swing of it so to speak it might be worth trying?

Livingroom

Hi Sleepy....yes we still have sex longest we've gone without it is about 2 weeks and then it feels like the elephant in the room! I never really have the wanting to do it but once we get into it I enjoy it. Funny you say that about having sex every night, my OH reckons if you don't use it you lose it...might be something to it.

Augme - I suggested a few times that we go to joint marriage counselling but he's adamant he doesn't believe in it. We had another long chat the other night over some of our issues which helped clear the air.

Keeping my head down in work and having limited conversations with work fella. I know it's going to take time to get over these feelings. I keep reading over all the good advise just to keep me mentally strong...so thanks for all the replies.

I know this is probably going to sound weird but in a way it's probably a blessing in disguise that this has happened otherwise we would still be plodding along not really communicating well. I think we're beginning to have a better understanding of the other person as people and not just as parents if that makes sense.