What to do... accept its off or wait

dove2011

Hi all
Haven't been on this site for quite a while. So I have been dating this guy for 9 months.. I am 36 & he is 38.
We met online & had our fair share of "miscommunications" for the first 3 months of our relationship. He had a very awful break up the November with someone he wanted to spend his life with.
In June our relationship florished we were very active outdoors doing sports, enjoying the highlife & generally spending time together.
His job is not intense but he works long hours so he is always tired while I have a normal 9-5 job ( I was married to it until I met him).
He has a tendency of been tired all the time & falls asleep. I throw a bit of a tantrum; he then runs away for a few hours but usually everythin is okay.
Since November our relationship has really gone from strength to strength but obviously social outing over Dec we saw each other frequently but less quality time. But we did discuss our future & having children over the next year or so.
So NYE he wanted to be on his own but to please me he said we'd spent it in my house. I wanted to go to the local.. he bought us wine to stay at home & we weren't really talking n just watched crap tv. He fell asleep around 10 mins before midnight... I tried to wake him, but alas no avail. So at midnight I turned off the TV & all the lights. I tried to wake him again... I was mad & upset ...when I woke hI'm he went mad stormed upstairs n asked to be left alone. I won't leave him alone I plead with him to speak to me but he won't. Anyways he went to spare room & I went to mine. Around 5am I got up n went to his room.. he was working the following day left at 8am..didn't speak to me & handed back my key.
So I left him be on NY day...I called twice yday...he ignored me. Today I left vm & he rang me... I asked how he was n were we off. He said ya he was sick of it...that I have lost the head too many time about falling asleep n he hung up on me.
It's sound so childish & I am do embrassed & upset I was so ridiculous. ..
Does anyone think this can be worked out or are we too childish to have a proper relationship.

myshirt

How hard were you at him about the falling asleep?
If you both cool the heels here, there doesn't seem like anything unsolvable, let's be fair.

dove2011

myshirt wrote: »

How hard were you at him about the falling asleep?
If you both cool the heels here, there doesn't seem like anything unsolvable, let's be fair.

Personally I was upset i didnt rant bit had a sour face all night in me wit a bottle of wine & few bottles of beer . I over reacted and have done so a few times in the relationship... He runs when a fight might be brewing. Over Christmas I couldn't wait for it to be over as I just wanted normality back in my life with him. He has stopped communicating with me.

dee_mc

Ye need to figure out a way around his tiredness and your response to it, particularly if ye are planning on starting a family - if he's always exhausted now, how would he be with a newborn in the house?

From his point of view, he can't help being tired and the last thing he needs is you taking his tiredness as a personal slight and then waking him a couple of hours before he is due to start work!

Of course, there probably is something that can be done to address his tiredness - maybe you could suggest he get checked out by his doctor to see how his general health is and assess whether he is actually excessively tired? Maybe he could look at his diet and exercise habits, alcohol consumption etc and see if these are exacerbating the problem? This is something ye can tackle together.

He would probably be more willing to tackle the issue if you commit to trying to be more considerate and understanding of him when he is tired.

dee_mc

Sorry, I didn't finish my post!
Just wanted to say, you need to get to the bottom of why he runs from confrontation. Think long and hard about settling for a longterm relationship with someone who can't resolve a difference of opinion with you.

dove2011

dee_mc wrote: »

Ye need to figure out a way around his tiredness and your response to it, particularly if ye are planning on starting a family - if he's always exhausted now, how would he be with a newborn in the house?

From his point of view, he can't help being tired and the last thing he needs is you taking his tiredness as a personal slight and then waking him a couple of hours before he is due to start work!

Of course, there probably is something that can be done to address his tiredness - maybe you could suggest he get checked out by his doctor to see how his general health is and assess whether he is actually excessively tired? Maybe he could look at his diet and exercise habits, alcohol consumption etc and see if these are exacerbating the problem? This is something ye can tackle together.

He would probably be more willing to tackle the issue if you commit to trying to be more considerate and understanding of him when he is tired.

I try to be understanding about his tiredress but on few occasions I have caused problem about it. He would be fairly active mountain climbing & has gone on vitamins. He likes his few beers & will never give up. He has been on the beer now since NY day...
He basically has cut me out of his life... should I suck it up & move on.

dove2011

dee_mc wrote: »

Sorry, I didn't finish my post!
Just wanted to say, you need to get to the bottom of why he runs from confrontation. Think long and hard about settling for a longterm relationship with someone who can't resolve a difference of opinion with you.

His always done this with every relationship his had.. his father left his mother a few times.
We only spoke about it last Wednesday night...that hasnt been running for a long time. I told him he was maturing but he couldn't grasp the concept as he thought previously he mature & grown up as he has wanted to settle down in his last relationship.

dee_mc

If I were you I would spend the next little while figuring out whether you actually love this guy and realistically see a happy future with him or not.
I would see Christmas and new year as a great test of a relationship - after all, it's going to happen every single year. Could you live with the idea of dealing with similar behaviour over every festive season for the rest of your life?
Can you see him being a good, loving, selfless husband/longterm partner and father?
The bit about him being ready to settle down with his last partner is ringing alarm bells for me to be honest - make sure ye are both in this relationship for the right reasons and for the long haul, not just because it's the right time.
I wish you luck

BreadnBuddha

Seems to me that you're the one with the problems here, yet you want him to fix them for you.

Losing the head, sulking and complaining about a man being tired after work or not wanting to go to the pub.

Leave him be. You have nothing to gain by being pushy or ignoring what he has said. You're flogging a dead horse.

dove2011

BreadnBuddha wrote: »

Seems to me that you're the one with the problems here, yet you want him to fix them for you.

Losing the head, sulking and complaining about a man being tired after work or not wanting to go to the pub.

Leave him be. You have nothing to gain by being pushy or ignoring what he has said. You're flogging a dead horse.

I will leave him be... I an quite a dramatic & emotional person ...always have been and I've tried to work on this. I know I acted childish & usually after a short time of his silence. I look back & question my actions...I obviously haven't learned from it.

CaraMay

The problem is you are trying to change another adult and that never works. You're trying to change him while resorting to childish tantrums which is further exasperating the situation.

The two of ye can't resolve conflict. You don't seem relaxed with him and he doesn't seem happy tbh. What's the point?

ElleEm

Regardless of whether this relationship works or not, you really need to sort out your behaviour. You are 36 years old, it is ridiculous that you resort to dramatics and tantrums to express yourself.

Give him time to cool off, then maybe contact him in a week or two and explain how you recognise your behaviour is wrong and come up with ways to manage it.

When I get really stressed about things, my ability to manage it appropriately often goes out the window. I have asked my partner that if I am going off on a tangent, to remind me of the things I usually say I will do to not get caught up in stress. If your boyfriend is willing to try again, maybe ask him to help you stay calm. Nothing good comes from fighting fire with fire.

dove2011

ElleEm wrote: »

Regardless of whether this relationship works or not, you really need to sort out your behaviour. You are 36 years old, it is ridiculous that you resort to dramatics and tantrums to express yourself.

Give him time to cool off, then maybe contact him in a week or two and explain how you recognise your behaviour is wrong and come up with ways to manage it.

When I get really stressed about things, my ability to manage it appropriately often goes out the window. I have asked my partner that if I am going off on a tangent, to remind me of the things I usually say I will do to not get caught up in stress. If your boyfriend is willing to try again, maybe ask him to help you stay calm. Nothing good comes from fighting fire with fire.

I have decided to go back to counselling. I hope he will cool down & we can work it out. I will let him contact me... fingers crossed.

Dog day

Hi OP, I'm sorry you're going through this.

What jumps out at me from your post is the fact that this guy broke up from a serious relationship just over a year ago & given the time of year (Christmas & New Year) I'm guessing that he's going through a tough phase.

Christmas & New Year can bring up all types of emotions & can lend themselves to one being emotional & reflective. You have no choice but to respect what he's saying to you, he may/may not genuinely wish to break up but it's clear he definitely needs some space from you & your relationship as it currently is now.

I fear that he may have started dating you before he was ready after his last serious relationship finished.

Step back, give him space, concentrate on yourself & work on not over reacting, I think deep down you know the relationship isn't working & you're probably panicking & this is being manifested in your dramatic reactions.

dove2011

Dog day wrote: »

Hi OP, I'm sorry you're going through this.

What jumps out at me from your post is the fact that this guy broke up from a serious relationship just over a year ago & given the time of year (Christmas & New Year) I'm guessing that he's going through a tough phase.

Christmas & New Year can bring up all types of emotions & can lend themselves to one being emotional & reflective. You have no choice but to respect what he's saying to you, he may/may not genuinely wish to break up but it's clear he definitely needs some space from you & your relationship as it currently is now.

I fear that he may have started dating you before he was ready after his last serious relationship finished.

Step back, give him space, concentrate on yourself & work on not over reacting, I think deep down you know the relationship isn't working & you're probably panicking & this is being manifested in your dramatic reactions.

I know I was very bothered at the start about dating him so soon after a break up; that is where the first 3 months we had a bit of miscommunication. He assured me that he was ready for a relationship but maybe he wasnt.

Oh I found Christmas very stressful as well as I am not a fan of it; he was busy with work and I was very idol over the christmas time. I went back to my family home for most of it as I didn't want to be on my own.

I am just a dramatic person who lashes out. I know now I need to work on this, mediate and relax. I do thoroughly love this person; we are a perfect match and that is the only issue that we have with each other. We are very much well matched; we have the same sort of background and the same values in life. He is a very positive influence in my life and I think I have also brought positivity to his. I just hope things will work out as it was a petty disagreement which shouldnt see an end to a relationship.

kylith

I'm glad you're back in counselling OP because I think that most of the problem lies with you.

A grown woman throwing a tantrum because her partner doesn't want to go to the pub and dozes off before midnight when he has to be up for work the next day is just ridiculous. If he were unreasonably tired; dozing off in the middle of the day, nodding off while driving, I'd suggest that he may need to see his GP, but if he's getting up for work early and has an active hobby then of course he's going to want to go to sleep at a time that means he won't be exhausted the next day.

I'd leave him for a while to cool off and then contact him apologising for your behaviour and explaining that you are going to counselling to work through it. However you may have pushed him too far this time.

Dog day

dove2011 wrote: »

I know I was very bothered at the start about dating him so soon after a break up; that is where the first 3 months we had a bit of miscommunication. He assured me that he was ready for a relationship but maybe he wasnt.

Oh I found Christmas very stressful as well as I am not a fan of it; he was busy with work and I was very idol over the christmas time. I went back to my family home for most of it as I didn't want to be on my own.

I am just a dramatic person who lashes out. I know now I need to work on this, mediate and relax. I do thoroughly love this person; we are a perfect match and that is the only issue that we have with each other. We are very much well matched; we have the same sort of background and the same values in life. He is a very positive influence in my life and I think I have also brought positivity to his. I just hope things will work out as it was a petty disagreement which shouldnt see an end to a relationship.

There's no such thing as a 'perfect match'. Equally it doesn't sound as though this was an isolated incident, I don't mean to be harsh but you're kidding yourself if you think he's ended the relationship over one disagreement. I'd guess that it's all become too much for him. I think it's also very telling that he actually expressed a wish to spend New Years Eve alone, this was a very clear sign that he needs space.

The best thing you can do is work on yourself which it sounds like you're intending to do, that's a positive step. I know you're hurting at the moment but you'll feel better if you can concentrate on yourself & the things that are within your control....we can't control other peoples actions but we can control our reactions.

In the meantime don't make any attempt to contact him, allow him the chance to work out whether the relationship is right for him.

dove2011

Yes it has happened 4 times over the course of our relationship. And I am aware that he needs his space but unfortunately I selfishly wanted to sort it. I put the break up in his mouth while he was out. I said are we over... and he just said I am sick of this..yes. So I can beat myself up on it and I know I will.

I just hope there is a silver lining in this. I have gone to counseling on 2 different occasions to the same person but this time I am going to work on my anger with a different counsellor....

Thanks for all your help, i know see the errors in my way.

pookie82

First off, I would second the post which mentions it's one of his first Christmases and NY after a major life change, i.e. the break up of a relationship he thought would last forever. I was in his position a couple of years ago, and even though I'd already met someone else I was mad about, I found that first Christmas difficult. It was nothing to do with not being over my ex (I was from the moment we broke up) it was just about memories really, and looking back on how my life had changed in the space of a year. All these emotions I had no idea I even still had came to the surface. I blamed it on the emotional nature of the season and having too much time off to sit around and think. It's quite possible he found it hard in that respect but of course couldn't explain that to you.

It does sound like you unnecessarily "went off on one" with him over a relatively small thing, i.e. falling asleep a few mins before midnight. BUT he could have compromised too, on this one night, and realised it meant a big deal to you to ring it in together and woken up. My bf, for instance, pays NO heed to Christmas and NY, hates them both in fact, and would happily go to bed at 11pm on NYE. But he recognised it was important to me and as silly as he might think it was, he stayed up with me until after midnight so we could mark it together.

I think there's a mix of you expecting too much but also him not willing to meet you halfway whatsoever. You'll always be a logger heads if that's the case.

If he's saying it's over, you need to listen to him and leave him be with space and time. Doesn't sound like he's in the headspace for considering someone else at the moment, for whatever reason.

Payton

pookie82 wrote: »

I think there's a mix of you expecting too much but also him not willing to meet you halfway whatsoever. You'll always be a logger heads if that's the case.

If he's saying it's over, you need to listen to him and leave him be with space and time. Doesn't sound like he's in the headspace for considering someone else at the moment, for whatever reason.

This in a nutshell. I've been there as in trying to get involved in a new relationship and for me it was a disaster because you don't know what your about until your out...and by out I mean learning to find yourself and what you want from life....in someway he's still grieving.
Give him space and time and let him decide what he wants. If he can't commit 100% to a relationship he's only fooling himself and wasting your time which it seems where your both at and your behaviour wasn't helping and you've recognised that.

Dog day

dove2011 wrote: »

Yes it has happened 4 times over the course of our relationship. And I am aware that he needs his space but unfortunately I selfishly wanted to sort it. I put the break up in his mouth while he was out. I said are we over... and he just said I am sick of this..yes. So I can beat myself up on it and I know I will.

I just hope there is a silver lining in this. I have gone to counseling on 2 different occasions to the same person but this time I am going to work on my anger with a different counsellor....

Thanks for all your help, i know see the errors in my way.

Try not to beat yourself up as you've stated above. Few conflicts are ever totally one sided. I would however advise that you perhaps look at some of your past relationships to determine if you're repeating the same pattern of behaviour. It's hard to apply logic to emotion but going to the right counsellor will definitely help.

The silver lining might be discovering the things you really like about yourself in addition to working on your anger....in other words make this about you & improving your life & not about him. It sounds to me like you each have your own issues to work on.

People have to be happy alone & within themselves before they can be happy with someone else. Hope you find your version of happiness. Best of luck...

dove2011

Dog day wrote: »

Try not to beat yourself up as you've stated above. Few conflicts are ever totally one sided. I would however advise that you perhaps look at some of your past relationships to determine if you're repeating the same pattern of behaviour. It's hard to apply logic to emotion but going to the right counsellor will definitely help.

The silver lining might be discovering the things you really like about yourself in addition to working on your anger....in other words make this about you & improving your life & not about him. It sounds to me like you each have your own issues to work on.

People have to be happy alone & within themselves before they can be happy with someone else. Hope you find your version of happiness. Best of luck...

Before he met me; he had been in counseling also- he discussed getting into a relationship with me and the counselor said he was ready...

Kenny Bania

If there's one thing I hate, it's dozing off on the couch and someone annoying me & nagging me to wake up for selfish childish reasons (i.e. "entertain me - I'm bored sitting here alone"). I can understand him storming off after being woken - he doesn't want and argument or discussion right then and there either - he just wants to sleep & get away from that nagging person - I can fully relate here. When you're exhausted, you're exhausted.

dove2011

Kenny Bania wrote: »

If there's one thing I hate, it's dozing off on the couch and someone annoying me & nagging me to wake up for selfish childish reasons (i.e. "entertain me - I'm bored sitting here alone"). I can understand him storming off after being woken - he doesn't want and argument or discussion right then and there either - he just wants to sleep & get away from that nagging person - I can fully relate here. When you're exhausted, you're exhausted.

Yes I know he was totally right with what he did- he feel asleep as they was nothing of any good on TV and he just doozed off to sleep... I have often said it to him that it is grand for me; he would still be at work till 9.30pm & I would have a power nap around 6pm hence the reason I ain't tired. I am a complete fool and childish.

And to make matters worse; when he wanted space I keep nagging and asking him to speak to me. He couldnt handle it no more and was easy to tell me to get lost. I will be forever sorry for my actions and yes I have pushed and pushed in previous relationships and they have all ended with me asking for too much... So I have to suck it up now unfortunately...

now online

dove2011 wrote: »

Yes I know he was totally right with what he did- he feel asleep as they was nothing of any good on TV and he just doozed off to sleep... I have often said it to him that it is grand for me; he would still be at work till 9.30pm & I would have a power nap around 6pm hence the reason I ain't tired. I am a complete fool and childish.

And to make matters worse; when he wanted space I keep nagging and asking him to speak to me. He couldnt handle it no more and was easy to tell me to get lost. I will be forever sorry for my actions and yes I have pushed and pushed in previous relationships and they have all ended with me asking for too much... So I have to suck it up now unfortunately...

If it was me I'd text him and apologise for your behaviour. You need to learn to listen and how to conduct yourself in a relationship. If he contracts you after that then great, if not move on and learn from what went wrong

dove2011

now online wrote: »

If it was me I'd text him and apologise for your behaviour. You need to learn to listen and how to conduct yourself in a relationship. If he contracts you after that then great, if not move on and learn from what went wrong

I have to give him space & time with this now. He isn't happy with his living arrangements or his job his only solus was me & his few beers. Me pestering him now will only make me look like a psycho. I just hope he will return on his own accord.

beks101

Go back to that counsellor and work on figuring out what causes you to self sabotage in new relationships.

And keep your dignity with this fella. Don't grovel. Give him a week or two to calm down, then send him an email/text apologizing one final time for being unreasonable and telling him how much he means to you. One form of contact. And move on. Let him do with that what he will.

And don't beat yourself up too much about your behaviour. I'm a mature responsible 30 year old and I threw a strop with my OH while we were out for dinner the other night because he 'asked for the bill too early'. Tiredness and stress and insecurity and heightened emotions and we're all a pack of eejits.

By all means, if it's a pattern with relationships, get to the bottom of it so you can get passed it, but don't rely on being a shining beacon of love and light and happiness and unicorns night and day to keep a man by your side. I'd probably have tried to wake my OH for the countdown too. The right guy will sit there and roll his eyes but love you no less. It might just be that he's not ready, and this is an easy out. A tangible reason to end things. Time will tell.