First world problems

LegacyUser

Hi guys. Perhaps it's the new year talking or the fact I'm back in work tomorrow after time off and a short holiday but I'm feeling pretty down and I was wondering if anyone can offer any advice.
I have a good life really. I am 35, own my own house which I bought recently for a small mortgage in an area I wanted to live in, single (seperated from wife almost a year ago after a short marriage and it's 100% over), and quite financially secure. I can take holidays and buy things and all those other privileges which 99% of people don't have on this planet. I don't seem to have a problem meeting women regularly since I was single, and I know this can get people down my age so I'm lucky that way too.
The thing is I am struggling with what my purpose is half the time. I don't really like my job but it's ok, pretty stress free, very secure, and pays well. Having lived abroad for 10 years it was a perfect job to settle down with with my ex wife and maybe raise a family. That never happened of course.
Now I'm in this job that does nothing for me. Unfortunately I don't really have the skills or experience to ever earn much more than I am now elsewhere, and even if I did it would still be in the same niche area I'm involved with.
I know the advice is always - study at night, do something you love - but I struggle to find absolutely anything I love or am passionate about. Absolutely nothing! I mean I seem to have a little interest in a broad range of things - history, music, world politics, classic literature... things I could read about in a book or internet all day long. Like the smart old guy in the pub with glasses who seems to know everything but probably works driving buses. I know people love me and I'm funny and a great conversationalist, gained from experience and living all over the world, but I'm just missing any real sense of purpose now that I've got a mortgage and it looks like the writing is on the wall for the next 30 years.
Is anyone else in this boat? I hooked up with a girl a few days ago who is a vet, and her 2 friends were doctors. My friend is a doctor too who was with me and I just felt almost embarrassed telling them about my boring administrative government job. Now obviously she didn't care but it made me realise how great it must be to have that sense of purpose doctors or vets must have, and the sense of achievement in getting that qualified.
I just don't seem to have any drive, or know what to do... Maybe this is a generational thing with us lot - 30 years ago I'd probably feel like the luckiest man in the world and that I have a lot to offer anyone but now I just feel like I'm a boring person with no interests. I feel too that if I start going out with a girl again I'll be found out in no time as a bloody drifter of some kind.
So has anyone been in this position and found a way out of it? I can't stress enough how hard it is for me to actually tell you anything I would be willing to devote years of study to or a career path I'd like to do. I literally have no idea.

If you read thanks a lot and any replies would be greatly appreciated, I feel pretty down right now.

SinaWil

Hey OP.

I was in the same situation as yourself a while back. Was 'permanent & pensionable' in a local government job that lead to me being quite depressed. Like yourself - i didn't feel proud of what i was doing for a living? It was eating away at me. So i took the plunge and went to a career coach.

I have to say it was the best thing i ever did!
She was able to outline career possibilities which i would never have considered.
She also highlighted skills i had to offer which i had not seen.

You claim you are no passionate about anything but are clearly interested in travel, history & culture?
Is this not an area worth pursuing? In some shape or form?

What i'm saying really is that once you take the first step you will feel empowered.

At present i'm not exactly in the ideal career (after many years of drifting through various jobs i felt i had to bite the bullet)
However, the job has allowed me to develop skills in areas i'm interested in.
I plan on getting as much relevant experience in these areas so that i have more options.

I'm not looking forward to tomorrow but am already looking at putting steps in place to move forward.

You're not alone. You have a lot to offer.
Now just decide o take the first step...

LegacyUser

Thanks for that man I'll look into career advisors tomorrow. I guess one thing I love is music and I used to be quite good on a couple of instruments so maybe if I got back into that, the creative outlet would help. I haven't moved into my new house just yet but will soon. I'm worried it'll just be me stuck there bored every evening after a boring day at work for decades! Right now I'm even finding it hard to pass the time in the evenings. I almost envy people run off their feet at work as they'd appreciate their downtime a lot more.
I do exercise a lot but staring at tv series on the laptop every night alone is a bummer. I think loneliness has a part to play in all this as things tend to look up in every department when you find someone special. Thing is I don't even want to meet anyone for anything serious until I've sorted out my own sh1t. In the past I've made partners the focus of my life and we all know that's a recipe for disaster.

Merkin

Matteroffact wrote: »

you have it all and that is why you are down. Sorry I can't help you.

If you've nothing constructive or useful to post then please don't bother

strandroad

Are you doing something useful at work, is your job unbearable or just not exciting? If it's the latter, you may find your passion in volunteering, community work etc - it seems that you're smart and have a lot to offer, so that you can help others and keep learning yourself, while your job keeps you professionally active and financially secure. Volunteering helps you to meet people too...

SinaWil

Amager wrote: »

Thanks for that man I'll look into career advisors tomorrow. I guess one thing I love is music and I used to be quite good on a couple of instruments so maybe if I got back into that, the creative outlet would help. I haven't moved into my new house just yet but will soon. I'm worried it'll just be me stuck there bored every evening after a boring day at work for decades! Right now I'm even finding it hard to pass the time in the evenings. I almost envy people run off their feet at work as they'd appreciate their downtime a lot more.
I do exercise a lot but staring at tv series on the laptop every night alone is a bummer. I think loneliness has a part to play in all this as things tend to look up in every department when you find someone special. Thing is I don't even want to meet anyone for anything serious until I've sorted out my own sh1t. In the past I've made partners the focus of my life and we all know that's a recipe for disaster.

I hear ya! I fell into the same trap myself a while back.. When you're not happy in yourself relationships are perilous territory. Women can sense the unease i think? I know its a cliche but we really do have to have our sh1t together first.

In fairness to you - you seem to have a fair bit of get-up-and-go about you? It's easy to crumble when you're in this position. I got a lot of stick when i quit the council. (Some colleagues don't talk to me since) But it had to be done.

My buddy was in the same boat a while back. He started playing in trad sessions down the local pub and this had lead to regular meet ups with fellow musicians. He's like a new man!

I would strongly recommend a career coach!
(Or, failing that, some form of counselling?)

CaraMay

There's nothing wrong being in the position you are in - you clearly worked hard for it. Would you consider getting a tenant in for company? Plan a holiday for yourself so you've something to look forward to.

stove

No need to feel embarrassed about your 'boring' job OP. I am sure there are many doctors and vets envious of your stress free, secure and well paid job.

However I do get what you are saying in terms of job satisfaction etc.

Where you are now is a good place to start from in terms of exploring other options. Sounds like you can take some calculated frisks that many others in jobs they hate can't do because of debt, kids etc etc. Something like a one or two year career break might also be available to you given it is a government job.

You have been given good advice in previous posts.

It's going to take time so patience is needed but you have now taken the first step.

lenihankevin

Being a vet myself I can tell you the grass is def not greener on the other side...highest suicide rates of most careers. I find that we all tend to define ourselves by the work we do...rather than the person we are. Yes my job is rewarding at times but it can kick you in the balls at other times...same as every job. Since I started running and joined a local golf club I have found my life taking direction.. i.e have started enjoying work a lot more..happier in myself. Maybe it's not all your job that you are unhappy with?

Alf Veedersane

lenihankevin wrote: »

Being a vet myself I can tell you the grass is def not greener on the other side...highest suicide rates of most careers. I find that we all tend to define ourselves by the work we do...rather than the person we are. Yes my job is rewarding at times but it can kick you in the balls at other times...same as every job. Since I started running and joined a local golf club I have found my life taking direction.. i.e have started enjoying work a lot more..happier in myself. Maybe it's not all your job that you are unhappy with?

I thought along these lines too. It's easy to feel like your work is insignificant by comparison to that of a doctor etc but there are a huge number of people in the same position.

OP, from your subsequent posts it came across that it wasn't so much the job but a genuine interest to have outside of work. It reads as though you feel that the time you spend outside of work is aimless.

But you mentioned music - why don't you reignite the apparent interest you had in that. Anyone that can play a few instruments has a definite interest that can be reawakened.

You mentioned exercise. Maybe look at something new as regards exercise. Something different you would never have tried.

You do have interests. It's just some have to be dusted off and some need a bit of thought to create more interest.

LegacyUser

Guys the replies mean a lot to me. I feel bad for moaning about life when others have things way worse but I guess it's a Maslows hierarchy of needs type situation.
The job is pretty boring. I can either work hard or do as little as possible and it doesn't really have any effect either way. No one seems to care. Public service is a funny thing.
I just got back from a short holiday where I met that nice vet one but unfortunately she lives in the town in England I moved back from last year!
I'll look up career advice tomorrow.
You know I used to work as a cook years ago in restaurants etc while travelling and I was so good and natural at it and a leader in the kitchen. I'd never get into the work though as the hours are awful and money pretty bad for 90% probably of people involved.
Do you think women are more likely to judge men on their career rather than vice versa? As long as a girl was able to look after herself I couldn't really care less what she did for a living but I'm rather self conscious. I went out with a tv producer, psychologist, fairly well known journalist and now a vet in the last year and part of me felt like a loser beside them! I the first 3 for a while in the end though so it mustn't have been a big deal but I was conscious of it for sure.

Alf Veedersane

Amager wrote: »

Guys the replies mean a lot to me. I feel bad for moaning about life when others have things way worse but I guess it's a Maslows hierarchy of needs type situation.
The job is pretty boring. I can either work hard or do as little as possible and it doesn't really have any effect either way. No one seems to care. Public service is a funny thing.
I just got back from a short holiday where I met that nice vet one but unfortunately she lives in the town in England I moved back from last year!
I'll look up career advice tomorrow.
You know I used to work as a cook years ago in restaurants etc while travelling and I was so good and natural at it and a leader in the kitchen. I'd never get into the work though as the hours are awful and money pretty bad for 90% probably of people involved.
Do you think women are more likely to judge men on their career rather than vice versa? As long as a girl was able to look after herself I couldn't really care less what she did for a living but I'm rather self conscious. I went out with a tv producer, psychologist, fairly well known journalist and now a vet in the last year and part of me felt like a loser beside them! I the first 3 for a while in the end though so it mustn't have been a big deal but I was conscious of it for sure.

You seem to define yourself by your job. People aren't judged by what their job is. A lot of people don't consider their job a vocation. It is what it is: something to fund living.

There may be some people who judge others by their job but even then a majority would look favourably on the fact that you have funded the life you've had.

But that's neither here nor there. If you start investing time in interests you have, your job becomes less of an issue. Music, cooking and exercise are 3 interests. There is a lot of scope there for all sorts of pursuits that will have you finding interest and enjoyment in what you do outside of work.

strandroad

Amager wrote: »

I went out with a tv producer, psychologist, fairly well known journalist and now a vet in the last year and part of me felt like a loser beside them!

I have friends in similar jobs and while their work and sometimes themselves are recognised, many of them would kill for a stable, pensionable job! It's swings and roundabouts, their work is quite volatile while expectations are high, and the pay can be surprisingly unsatisfactory.

You can always move into a more interesting area or level in your field but it feels like what you need is a good juicy interest or activity that would make you feel complete and satisfied. You might find that job improvements will follow. And I doubt anyone would have any issues going out with a stable guy who is also an interesting person and has some well developed interests and activities.

LegacyUser

Amager wrote: »

Hi guys. Perhaps it's the new year talking or the fact I'm back in work tomorrow after time off and a short holiday but I'm feeling pretty down and I was wondering if anyone can offer any advice.
I have a good life really. I am 35, own my own house which I bought recently for a small mortgage in an area I wanted to live in, single (seperated from wife almost a year ago after a short marriage and it's 100% over), and quite financially secure. I can take holidays and buy things and all those other privileges which 99% of people don't have on this planet. I don't seem to have a problem meeting women regularly since I was single, and I know this can get people down my age so I'm lucky that way too.
The thing is I am struggling with what my purpose is half the time. I don't really like my job but it's ok, pretty stress free, very secure, and pays well. Having lived abroad for 10 years it was a perfect job to settle down with with my ex wife and maybe raise a family. That never happened of course.
Now I'm in this job that does nothing for me. Unfortunately I don't really have the skills or experience to ever earn much more than I am now elsewhere, and even if I did it would still be in the same niche area I'm involved with.
I know the advice is always - study at night, do something you love - but I struggle to find absolutely anything I love or am passionate about. Absolutely nothing! I mean I seem to have a little interest in a broad range of things - history, music, world politics, classic literature... things I could read about in a book or internet all day long. Like the smart old guy in the pub with glasses who seems to know everything but probably works driving buses. I know people love me and I'm funny and a great conversationalist, gained from experience and living all over the world, but I'm just missing any real sense of purpose now that I've got a mortgage and it looks like the writing is on the wall for the next 30 years.
Is anyone else in this boat? I hooked up with a girl a few days ago who is a vet, and her 2 friends were doctors. My friend is a doctor too who was with me and I just felt almost embarrassed telling them about my boring administrative government job. Now obviously she didn't care but it made me realise how great it must be to have that sense of purpose doctors or vets must have, and the sense of achievement in getting that qualified.
I just don't seem to have any drive, or know what to do... Maybe this is a generational thing with us lot - 30 years ago I'd probably feel like the luckiest man in the world and that I have a lot to offer anyone but now I just feel like I'm a boring person with no interests. I feel too that if I start going out with a girl again I'll be found out in no time as a bloody drifter of some kind.
So has anyone been in this position and found a way out of it? I can't stress enough how hard it is for me to actually tell you anything I would be willing to devote years of study to or a career path I'd like to do. I literally have no idea.

If you read thanks a lot and any replies would be greatly appreciated, I feel pretty down right now.

You really need to stop defining yourself and others by their jobs! I work in health and heaps of my mates in medicine find their work to be stressful, isolating and frustrating. The idea that everyone in the 'sexy' professions love their work and feel satisfied is a myth. I'm in a successful career and when choosing to date someone, I'm more interested in their work ethic (i.e. That they are a responsible adult) rather than what they actually do. We are way, way more than our jobs. It sounds as though you have a niche role, as others said, go talk to a career coach to see if your skills are transferable to a similar grade/level in another field but otherwise, Think about just nurturing your creative self in your time off. You sound like a lovely, interesting person - who has a terrible habit of judging himself and others on the basis of their careers. Good luck OP!

Rubberchikken

op it could be a simple case of getting back to routine at the start of january. it's not an easy time, wet, cold, yuck. but if it carries on, then maybe it needs some thinking through.

in the meantime, are you getting fresh ari/exercise? i know it sounds ridiculous, but sometimes just getting out can help us think things out.

is there any further education to help your career along?
it's not fair on you to compare yourself to others. yeah some are vets, some are doctors, but every job is needed. you're good at what you do. don't sell yourself short.
good luck

thegreatgonzo

Amager wrote: »

I hooked up with a girl a few days ago who is a vet, and her 2 friends were doctors. My friend is a doctor too who was with me and I just felt almost embarrassed telling them about my boring administrative government job. Now obviously she didn't care but it made me realise how great it must be to have that sense of purpose doctors or vets must have, and the sense of achievement in getting that qualified.

.

I'm a vet nurse and one of my best friends is a vet and we've had several conversations about how we envied the lifestyle we could be having if we had a 'boring administrative' job. Veterinary work can be very rewarding but it's hard to have much of a life outside it. Sometimes the stress is awful and you want to go home and cry.

beks101

You seem to have dated a lot of women or have a lot of friends with these 'sexy' jobs and maybe that is colouring your perspective.

I worked in what seemed to be the 'sexiest' job in the world (according to other people) for eight years and quit that six months ago because I was a stressed up ball of angst and anxiety by the end of it with a trail of lost friendships and neglected relationships in my wake. Not to mention a lack of job security, no work life balance to speak of and a relatively grand but unspectacular salary relative to the 24/7 'always on' nature of the job.

Great dinner party fodder though. I could walk into a room and be the person everyone wanted to talk to because of my job. Going from that to the "you do what now?" and "ok. Any hobbies?" shutdowns in social situations has been weird, but equally refreshing and exhilarating, since I started my new gig. It's a breath of fresh air to not be defined by what I do to every new person I meet. To get to just be Beks101.

So there's a bit of perspective from the other side. What you have in your steady, secure, pensionable job is not shameful, or inadequate, or boring - it is what most people aspire to and what many will never achieve. You've bought yourself a lovely lifestyle and a house of your own out of it.

And you are so much more than what you do to pay the bills. One of the biggest revelations of my life was to realise that a job is a job is a job, and whether everyone wants to hear about it or it puts people to sleep, that remains the same. Go to that career coach and see if it sheds any light on your options but also spend some time developing new hobbies because those are the things that make you interesting. Spend some time educating yourself outside the office, travelling, learning an instrument or a new language, taking dance lessons, training for a triathlon, hiking around Ireland, whatever it is that sparks your interest and committing to it 100%. Find your tribe.

I found when I was dating those outside pursuits were what made someone exciting to me. A passion for the outdoors or a wanderlust or a specific interest in wine tasting or specific knowledge about history made me want to learn more and more about them. When it came to work - as long as they had a strong work ethic, were good with money and had a life OUTSIDE of the office - I didn't really care.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys you're all so kind I appreciate the words a lot. I must stress though that I couldn't care less about anyone else's job and I would date a girl as long as she was clever and even mildly ambitious regardless of job! I think I posted originally on the grimmest day of the year before work but I took on what you guys said and the last couple of days at work were much better. I actually work with a bunch of guys now my own age and they're great fun and mostly single too, up till a few months ago I was stuck with weird middle aged women etc so that's a great improvement.
So I signed up yesterday to 4 months of jazz piano lessons! I was only ever taught classical and it bored the hell out of me but I love jazz so we'll see where that goes.
I think another problem I have is that although I'd be pretty fit and look good on the exterior I really drink too much and it affects my moods and I think it makes me depressed and not like myself very much in the days after a bender. I'm knocking it on the head for January I hope and using the saved money for a weekend abroad in February. I also think it kills my motivation or enthusiasm for everything so I need to cut down massively in general.
Thanks again this thread is very therapeutic for me but I still feel like an idiot given there's a long term illness and a bureavment forum and here I am complaining. I think I'm being a bit critical on myself work wise so I'll read this thread again whenever I'm beating myself up!

strandroad

It's still the middle of the winter so don't be too hard on yourself OP. To count your blessings is a good attitude to have so best of luck!