Verbally abused by my family.

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I'm just looking for peoples opinions on this. I live 2 hours away from my parents and my siblings. Both myself and my wife work full time and we have a 7 year old son. I used to visit my family a lot but often when I went there I felt like I wasn't wanted there. I would be told to shut up, spoken over. It came to the stage where everything was being kept from me, I didn't know my grandmother had a heart attack and I am very close to her and kept ringing her house. I eventually found out that she was in hospital and that my parents just hadn't bothered to tell me.

Eventually I began cutting back on visits, I used to ring twice a week but I was often greeted with "I'll ring you back" and they never would. So I stopped ringing and I only ring every so often now.

My son had a serious illness and they rarely even called or visited to see how he was doing. I have never been invited up for Christmas dinner despite all my siblings being invited. So we call up every year after Christmas. This year when I went up I was attacked by my parents and my siblings.

They accused me and my wife of not wanting them in our lives, that we never call up (the last time any of them visited was almost 2 years ago) They also stated that we are very selfish parents and that we wont let them have access to our son. They've asked a couple of times but we said no due to the fact that they never visit and our son doesn't know them that much. I wont go into much detail about what was said because it was a lot and very hurtful. They were screaming at me and my wife and frightened my son.

My wife was shocked, she is very quiet and never opened her mouth. We ended up walking out the door a drove the 2 hours back home. Since then ive been receiving threatening messages from my siblings requesting access to my son which I have said no to. It turns out that all they want is to see our son without us being present. Ive been told this is all my fault. I really don't see how?

I have tried so hard with them but I am just faced with coldness. I really just feel like walking away and never looking back. I was ill a few months ago and rang my parents to tell them and they didn't even respond when I told them. I just don't know how I am supposed to deal with something like this.

I am being attacked by the people who are supposed to love and support me and yet all I feel is hatred. Would I be right to walk away? I have tried to speak to my family but they just keep telling me ive done this myself. I just feel so down over all of this and it really ruined Christmas for me and my family.

getaroom

Life is too short to take that kind of crap from a family. There was more than likely a discussion about you and your wife over Christmas and they wound each other to the point where they were waiting for you to arrive.

I can bet that they are jealous of your inlaws and there perceived idea that you spend more time "with your new family" than with them.
(Your supposed to give your parents 100% of your time. As my own wife said to me "I married you not your family".

Cut them lose, call to your Grandmother regularly, your own parents will soon get the message.

Alf Veedersane

I would ask them why they would want to see the son of someone they don't like.

I feel for you, OP. It's tough when something like this happens and no matter how right you are and how you really should be able to cut out the negativity, it's a lot easier said than done.

LegacyUser

I really wish I could get it out of my head. Like I just cant understand their treatment of my family. You could be right about the inlaws things. My mother in law minds our son for us, but the difference is she treats us with respect.

A family meeting took place about us, which was very strange. I wish they could have just spoken to us about their feelings rather than screaming at us.

Drumpot

There are certain red flags in your family's behaviour that would have me primarily asking myself if I would want my children to be around these kind of people?!

One thing I have learned from years of therapy is that it is important to get emotional independence from ones family. Particularly where you are able to prioritise your wife/children over your own family. This can be hard and your family can become jealous but the key is to take control of the relationship on your terms.

My family is nowhere near as bad as yours come across but I had to make significant changes to our relationship. Certain things were expected of me , particularly in relation to my children.

I talked to my wife and watched how her family engage with each other. They aren't perfect but they do certain things differently to my family. Some good and some not so healthy.

But it allowed me to see my family on a more balanced footing. It also allowed me to be honest about how I should manage my relationship with my family.

My family are not that bad but I control the levels of interaction I have with them. Sometimes it can be toxic and I limit my relations with them.

I revert back to a very valuable lesson that took me ages to learn. I am not subservient to my family and don't have to accept or take abuse because they are my family.

One therapist I went to said that I either had to accept certain friends/family for who they were (even when they are dicks) and accept it is me allowing them to annoy me.... Or ... Limit or shut them out of my life. It's very practical and sound advice. It forces them to change a little or reduces/stops their impact on my life.

Helen Mirren recently said something I find myself practising more frequently. She lamented the fact that it took her so long to learn to tell people to f**k off. I think you could do worse then apply that strategy with your family. Don't wait or expect them to be the family you think they should be, allow them to be part of your life on your terms.

Augme

Write them an email, or text message, telling them that you'll be cutting them out of your life and won't be seeing them again. In it include that if they keep sending you harassing messages you'll be contact the Gardai.

getaroom

familyissues wrote: »

I really wish I could get it out of my head. Like I just cant understand their treatment of my family. You could be right about the inlaws things. My mother in law minds our son for us, but the difference is she treats us with respect.

A family meeting took place about us, which was very strange. I wish they could have just spoken to us about their feelings rather than screaming at us.

Ive been there. Lived through it and am still living through it. I still visit I still call, but I am learning to do it on my terms. Im 26 years married, and have only recently realized I come from a dysfunctional family. Your wife and child are the new unit. I know my kids would rather spend time with my in laws than my family. That hurts, but its not my fault.

Dont over think it, get on with your life without the Irish mother guilt trip.

Augme wrote: »

Write them an email, or text message, telling them that you'll be cutting them out of your life and won't be seeing them again. In it include that if they keep sending you harassing messages you'll be contact the Gardai.

Dont do this, "less said soonest mended"