Is this a typical relationship?

LegacyUser

Hi all

Going anonymous for this one as I am a regular Boards.ie poster.

Let me start off by saying both my boyfriend and I are both 25.

I met him over two years ago, we dated for 9 months and then he moved abroad for one year. When he returned, he immediately asked me to go on a date with him. I was unavailable the first week, so we went on a date the second week. We became 'official' on that date as the spark was still there.

We have been 'official' now for three months. It has been a bit of a disaster so far imo.

The day we became official on Facebook, I received a mail from a fake profile to inform me that he was 'sleeping with another girl', and I was advised to steer clear of him as he was pulling the wool over my eyes. I cried all night when received this mail. The following morning, I asked him about it. He said it was 'total bullsh*t'. Deep down I genuinely believed the mail to be untrue and most likely sent from a bitter ex girlfriend, however I still thought it was unusual to receive as he had only arrived back from spending a year abroad two weeks previous.

The following week we went on a night out and he was extremely drunk, so I decided to question him. He came clean and admitted that yes, he did sleep with a previous ex girlfriend, the week he got back (the week I couldn't meet up). As disappointed as I was, I felt as though I had no right to be angry with him, as we weren't 'official' at the time and technically, he was still a free man at the time.

We managed to move on from this but there are certain behaviours that he has that makes me doubt his appreciation for our relationship.

He works down the country Monday-Friday, so I only get to see him on the weekend. If his friends ask him to go out, he would 100000% say yes to them over spending time with me, his girlfriend. He is very structured in his plans. He once said to me 'I will spend Fridays with you, and Saturdays with my friends', which I thought was very odd. I often get the impression that he does not want to spend two days in a row together. It feels very weird and sometimes quite insulting as I cannot understand his mindset.

I booked us two nights away as a Christmas present for him, but my paranoia led me to texting him and asking if it was OK if we postponed the trip and I said I would buy him an actual present instead. He replied with 'that's no problem at all babe! I don't mind where we are as long as I am with you that's all that matters'. He didn't even ask why I wanted to postpone it??? He just seems away with the fairies 99% of the time, and only genuinely happy when he is with his friends. I feel as though I am merely an accessory to him. He doesn't stop to think of anything. I have asked several times if we can go away for a night together and we pay 50/50 but he shows no interest. He just wants to go on crazy nights out with his friends.

He bought a new car yesterday and I thought he would be excited about testing it out so i invited him to come over to my house and he replied 'it's a bit late now, perhaps tomorrow evening?'. It was 8pm on a Saturday night and he had said that he had no plans for the evening. That's hardly late. However I later said the following evening would be OK as per his suggestion and he said his family had made plans to attend a birthday party all of a sudden.

Apologies for the long post but it has been bothering me and I appreciate those of you who have taken the time to read it.

Thanks.

Shrap

upset_girlfriend wrote: »

It has been a bit of a disaster so far imo.

Jaysus girlfriend, don't think I need to do more than quote you here. You said it.

Is it a typical relationship? Depends on what you think a relationship is, but this certainly isn't one I'd recognise as a respectful, loving one that's going anywhere but in the bin. Sorry

Come on, you know you're worth 100% more than running around after this eejit!

CaraMay

It's not a typical relationship, it's a friends with benefits situation. He's keeping you on tap for when he's free. He's not really your bf so don't waste your time hanging round for this guy.

Ursus Horribilis

It's hardly a relationship you're having with him, is it? He works down the country so I'm assuming you get to see him Friday night and maybe some of Saturday if he stays over? Then he's off out with his friends and is dying of a hangover for most of Sunday? Sorry but I get the impression he's taking you for a ride both physically and metaphorically. It looks like he's using you for sex/female companionship and then get to be a lad for the rest of the time. How can you even be sure that he's not with other women when he's not with you?

Nothing in his behaviour points to someone who's mature enough to be in a relationship or even wants to be in one. He's almost actively avoiding spending too much time with you which is rather odd for someone who's supposedly "official". Really, if you dumped him here and now his life wouldn't be much different apart from his Friday nights with you.

orthsquel

You sound unhappy in the relationship, questioning yourself, feeling paranoid, doubting him, doubting yourself, the relationship, what's going on...

It doesn't sound like it's a healthy situation at all. If it's affecting you negatively it might be worth your while reconsidering your involvement with this guy. Especially if it is affecting your self esteem, self worth and confidence.

woodchuck

I think people are being a bit too hard on the guy. They don't live near each other, so practically speaking it makes sense that yous only see each other at the weekend. But does he make any effort to stay in touch for the rest of the week when you're not together? I also think it's reasonable that he splits his time between you and his friends (again, it's just unfortunate that you don't live closer to each other to spend more time together mid-week).

You say he has no interest in going away for a night together, but YOU were the one to postpone the trip that was being planned?

It sounds like he's fairly laid back about the relationship alright (it's only been 3 months to be fair), but you also sound a little insecure. Not a good mix.

Bottom line though, if you're not happy, then maybe the two of you just aren't a good match.

pookie82

The structuring of time with you and time with "friends" would have me wondering... are you sure it's just "friends" he's with when you're off limits? I'd think twice about who else he's spending time with, especially when he says it's "too late" to call over at 8pm on a Saturday night.

LegacyUser

Odus fell down wrote: »

I'm assuming you get to see him Friday night and maybe some of Saturday if he stays over? Then he's off out with his friends and is dying of a hangover for most of Sunday?

He doesn't stay over every weekend as we both live at home. He will spend either Friday or Saturday with me (usually this involves the cinema or a quiet night in), and he will go out with his friends the other night and yes, spend the next day hungover. I find it very unusual that he feels this 'need' to divide his time equally between me and his friends. Correct me if I am wrong, but should your girlfriend not come before your friends?

I pulled him up on this once and he felt so bad he arrived at my house the next time he saw me with flowers as an apology. He can be very sweet when he wants to be. The problem is, the same thing happened the following weekend.

A week before NYE he asked me if I wanted to go to Galway for a night on New Year's day. I was over the moon, until he followed it up with 'the lads are going to Galway on New Year's day so I was thinking perhaps we could join them?'. It was so sly the way he asked me. He got my hopes up thinking it was just me and him but once again 'the lads' need to be involved. However a few days later 'the lads' cancelled the trip to Galway. I suggested the two of us still go and book a hotel and his reply was 'I don't think we should go all the way to Galway just for one night. We would also need to pay for accommodation. We'll see.' Needless to same it never materialised.

Last week he mentioned he was planning a holiday to Ibiza with the lads in the Summer. It saddens me to see friends of mine going on holidays with their boyfriends but yet my boyfriend shows no interest in going away with me.

Am I over-analysing or is this behaviour very unusual?

Augme

It sounds like he doesn't like you enough for what you want. This seems to be a big compatibility issue for both of you and one that isn't likely to be resolved. There's no right or wrong in this situation. Some people don't want to spend all of their free time with their partner and enjoy their independence. I'm sure everyone here knows people who have gotten into a relationship and then they're friend virtually never see them again almost, that's not a healthy situation either. Finding the right balance can be difficult, especially when you both live at home.


My advice is to end it. Forcing him to change will be unlikely to work and will just create resentment. Also by the being in this relationship it's affecting your self-confidence.

batmanrobin

No OP, this is not normal relationship behaviour. You're playing second fiddle to every other aspect of his life!

What are you getting out of this "relationship"? Why would you even want to be with him? Forget about the love factor for a minute - love does not conquer all - and try and look at this from the perspective of an outsider. You're getting no return on your investment. He treats you secondary to his friends and his interests. If you broke up, I doubt it would cause a blip on his radar.

Do yourself a favour. Sit him down, explain how he makes you feel, tell him what you'd like the relationship to be like. If he can't meet you halfway, you end it and stop wasting your time. Because that's all you're doing here, OP - wasting your time and energy on someone who isn't all that bothered with you.

woodchuck

It sounds like you resent him spending time with his friends. My understanding is that he's somewhat restricted by location and essentially only has 2 nights a week (Friday and Saturday) to spend with you and/or his friends. At the moment he's splitting it evenly. What would you suggest, that he spends both nights every week with you and never sees his friends? That hardly seems reasonable. I can understand maybe wanting the odd weekend just the two of you though. But I can see how that would be difficult with both of you living at home. Which makes it all the more confusing why you would cancel the trip away that you were planning as a present?!

woodchuck

pookie82 wrote: »

The structuring of time with you and time with "friends" would have me wondering... are you sure it's just "friends" he's with when you're off limits? I'd think twice about who else he's spending time with, especially when he says it's "too late" to call over at 8pm on a Saturday night.

This sounds a bit paranoid to me. Why would you jump to that conclusion? I don't think it's weird that people want to spend time with their friends in addition to their girlfriend. And maybe he was just tired when she called on the Saturday night, already had his dinner on, prefers to plan ahead etc. There are any number of reasons people wouldn't be up for meeting spontaneously at the drop of a hat, I wouldn't assume he's cheating on her!

pwurple

Is there some reason that you are not included in 'his friends'?

I never had a boyfriend where we kept our friends separate. That seems fairly awkward, mainly for the reasons you say, that you would end up having to schedule seeing different groups of people.

Tbh, I wouldn't waste my time in this holding pattern thing. Either move to where he works, or he moves nearer you... Or forget about it.

cactusgal

Sorry OP, it doesn't sound like he's as into this relationship as you are.

Actions speak louder than words, and his actions are pretty lukewarm.

Life is short, embrace this new year as a chance to stop wasting time waiting for this guy to pay you attention, and to find a guy who will be excited to spend time with you, plan nice weekends away, and take fun holidays with. They are out there! When you meet a guy who's into you, you'll never have to second guess or analyse his intentions - his interest in you will be 100% obvious. (Trust me!)

CaraMay

Yeah you've already given him almost a year of your life and you still aren't happy. He's not doing anything wrong per se but it's just not right for you. New year, new start.

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Many thanks for all the responses. New information came to light this morning. He has been active on a dating website and has admitted to logging in in order to play with himself to private photos which he had previously received from a girl during his year abroad.

That is the deal breaker for me.

It is absolutely vile and his response was very blase. He said something along the lines of 'I understand that this will hurt you but I care for you so much and you must understand I was very drunk at the time. They were only photos.'

Any advice on how I should end it? I would like to keep my pride.

Thanks again.

CaraMay

Just block him on all social media and your phone. That's it ended. He doesn't need an explanation. Lucky escape op.

Neyite

If you feel its a deal breaker for you, then that's pretty much all you have to say. You dont even have to say that much. It's only been a three month relationship and he prioritises his friends so maybe just meet up, tell him that you don't feel its working for you, and want to end it.

woodchuck

upset_girlfriend wrote: »

Hi all,

Many thanks for all the responses. New information came to light this morning. He has been active on a dating website and has admitted to logging in in order to play with himself to private photos which he had previously received from a girl during his year abroad.

That is the deal breaker for me.

It is absolutely vile and his response was very blase. He said something along the lines of 'I understand that this will hurt you but I care for you so much and you must understand I was very drunk at the time. They were only photos.'

Any advice on how I should end it? I would like to keep my pride.

Thanks again.

Wow, ok that puts everything in a whole new light.

I don't think you need a strategy of how to end it, so long as you end it! Personally I'd just tell him it's over and block him from your life (phone number, social media etc).

pookie82

woodchuck wrote: »

This sounds a bit paranoid to me. Why would you jump to that conclusion? I don't think it's weird that people want to spend time with their friends in addition to their girlfriend. And maybe he was just tired when she called on the Saturday night, already had his dinner on, prefers to plan ahead etc. There are any number of reasons people wouldn't be up for meeting spontaneously at the drop of a hat, I wouldn't assume he's cheating on her!

I don't know, something about his unwillingness to give her time above and beyond what he gives his friends, having such structured plans with her and never being open to changing them at short notice ... it can sometimes be a sign someone's up to no good or keeping something to themselves. Which I guess he was

It's great to balance a relationship and mates but in the early stages it's pretty normal and healthy to want to see as much as you can of a new partner. The information about asking her on a night away and then it being about where the lads were going, and not wanting to go after they had cancelled, would be a major red flag as well. He's fitting her in around HIS life, not making her a priority.

OP I don't think you need to do much explaining here given your last post. Block, delete and forget. Is he even worth fighting with this about? No one in their right mind would entertain that latest stunt on top of all the messing to date.

Ursus Horribilis

Why he bothered asking you out and becoming official is a mystery seeing as he has continued to live very much as a single lad. In light of the latest revelation and the non relationship you've been in, a quick text to say it's over should do the trick.

Shrap

upset_girlfriend wrote: »

Any advice on how I should end it? I would like to keep my pride.

Thanks again.

You have your pride intact OP, just by knowing damn well that this is as much as you'll take.

Obviously, there are amusing ways to end it, but I don't advise any of them. First thought was that you buy him a blow-up doll and give it to him saying you've decided to outsource your "relationship". But that would be petty

Just walk away, really. Drop all contact. If he contacts you to meet up, then tell him "no thanks, I finished with you last week", or similar.

Penny Tration

I wouldn't just go no contact. I wouldn't want some pig thinking they'd upset me so much I wouldn't speak to them.

I'd just send him a text saying; "hi Paul. What you've done on that dating site, combined with making no time for me, is a deal breaker to me. As such, I'm calling an end to this relationship and wish you all the best."

THEN block him.