Am I Mr. Right for Now?

LegacyUser

Going unregistered for this one.
I am a guy in my early forties, I am very new to dating/relationships, a number of weeks ago I meet a women of a similar age, I asked her out, she agreed and the date went very well, so far we have meet about 7/8 times, I wouldn’t say we are in a relationship and we certainly haven’ discussed it, I was never a ladies’ man, I asked many many women on dates over the last 20 years, but in the majority of cases I was turned down so given my lack of dating history I just take it one date at a time and don’t look too far ahead, there was chemistry on the date, lots of touching, looking into each other eyes, she asked some personnel question on my sex life and previous relationships on the first date, which I thought was a little forward. Now I don’t except an attractive women to have been sexless and single all her life, she has more sexual experience than me in multiplies which is 100% ok with me, and she certainly seems sexually adventurous.

The problem – She brings up in conversation each time we meet previous ONS, relationships and in particular one guy all the time, and from what she tells me he was in my opinion a total assh%le and treated her and others very badly, I don’t think she is over him and has built up a rose tinted view of the relationship. I hear about how great the relationship was, how he broke her heart, if she had a time machine what she would change, will never be the same etc. I have even heard about the poem and love letters they shared.

I don’t know if this is normal talk on every date, I have pulled her up on it once, but she insisted he is history, but it still persists, and I think its rude and insulting, she is unaware of my barren dating life and when asked I avoid revealing the truth, obviously I know I am more invested than she is in the outcome of any date; after we slept together if I didn’t contact her I think (I may be wrong as we have dated twice since) I wouldn’t have heard from her again (sex wasn’t great I’m a bit out of practice and she has said since she feels unattractive, I Know this may have fooked things up as things were developing rather well).

I am really thrown on hand feel like I’m alive for the first time in my life, I have someone to really talk with, physical intimacy, hanging out at my place, going for a drink, I like this women but feel like I’m getting sucked in over my head emotionally, my logical brain is saying run now before you get hurt, before you realise she not all that interested in you, its simply Mr Right for now, the other part of me is thinking of going with the flow enjoying it as the alternative is back to a lonely existence.

Has anyone any advice? From an outside perspective is it worth pursuing. I know that if sex happens again I will need to be on my A game.
Thanks in advance

silverharp

Enjoy it for what it is but no its not normal talk and if the topic keeps coming up in conversation over the next month or so then bail as she isnt ready for a relationship as it would end badly for you in the long run. If her confidence is a bit low,no harm trying to build it up.

B.A._Baracus

Hi MrRightForNow,
Yeah, you're right to be very concerned on this one. Sadly, the only way is to be blunt on this one.... she's not over her ex. As you know. So you're wasting your time.

Taltos

It really sounds more like you're in the friend-zone OP.

All this talk of her ex, you haven't been intimate yet. The oversharing is a clear sign. You are her comfort male, someone to unload to. Not someone she wants to tear the clothes off.

Suggest you prepare yourself for either her exit or start planning your own. Maybe I'm wrong and if so try to have a talk with her but be prepared for the "it's not you, it's me" or the floods of tears and how all men are b******s and only after one thing.

Sorry

orthsquel

She's clearly hung up about her ex and about her past relationships and intimacies in general.

I think you are a comfort rebound for her. And I think you can do better for yourself than this, you certainly deserve better than to hear all the gorey details of another relationship including what romantic things they did for eachother on a repeated basis every date.

She's not over him and the lengths that she is talking about her ex is unacceptable, it sounds to me like she really shouldn't be getting involved with anyone for a long while yet and it's putting you in a difficult position... that you continue on as is but you end of pandering to her need to use you as a counsellor while you walk on eggshells coupled with that you might find yourself uncomfortable initiating intimacy with someone who is really stuck in the past and not in the present.

Mr.right.for.now wrote: »

I am really thrown on hand feel like I’m alive for the first time in my life, I have someone to really talk with, physical intimacy, hanging out at my place, going for a drink

You will find this again with someone else, someone who will value enjoying it with you, completely in the present.

While the dates may make you feel good as you enjoy being with her tbh I think for the betterment of your self esteem and confidence in dating you are better off recognising the situation for what it is and that to me, unless she has an epiphany and recognises the potential in a relationship with you - which seems unlikely - then it's not something that is ever going to develop into a relationship or remain as is for much longer.

Her head, her emotions, her thought processes, everything is stuck in the past, wrapped up in a past relationship. Cut your losses and move on. You deserve better than this and I think you owe it to yourself to build from it and date someone who is interested in being in the present with you. I think otherwise you are doing yourself an injustice and risk believing that how you are being treated is all you deserve, or should expect, and that will do nothing for your self esteem and confidence.

Shrap

OP, all I know is that anyone looking for a time-machine to go back and do it all differently hasn't accepted their role in whatever it was that happened to them, which is a sign of immaturity. Another thing I know is that it's a big fat red flag to tell a new person in your life all about your previous relationship difficulties, and a massive clanging alarm bell that she'd go so far as to tell you details about intimate things like love letters and poems.

You may not have much relationship experience, but your bullsh1t radar seems to be working just fine. It's not your lack of experience that's making you "Mr.Right for now", nor is it going to be how well you "perform" on the next occasion.....it's the fact that she's only looking for a shoulder to cry on. In that regard, you're doing the job rather well eh?

You seem nice and you're clearly intelligent. Chalk this one up to experience and find someone who appreciates you for you and not for how well you listen to her woes.

GavMan

Taltos wrote: »

It really sounds more like you're in the friend-zone OP.

All this talk of her ex, you haven't been intimate yet. The oversharing is a clear sign. You are her comfort male, someone to unload to. Not someone she wants to tear the clothes off.

Suggest you prepare yourself for either her exit or start planning your own. Maybe I'm wrong and if so try to have a talk with her but be prepared for the "it's not you, it's me" or the floods of tears and how all men are b******s and only after one thing.

Sorry

Would be helpful if you read the OP. They have slept together and had sex. OP said it wasn't great and he was rusty

silverbolt

OP the golden rule of dating no.1 with a bullet. You DONT talk about your ex. Going by what youve said she's not over him.

You've slept together and been out on several dates now but it sounds like your falling into the trap of trying too hard. And she's lapping it up.

Step back and evaluate where this is all going.

LegacyUser

Hi Guys, OP here, just a quick follow up to thank everyone for the advice, we meet in the middle of last week for a drink, she briefly mentioned a fling she had and I suggested we remain friends and no longer she each other romantically, she agreed and told me she planned on ending things as the sex was poor (I couldn't stay hard) and she wanted an active sex life (don't we all) and my performance didn't do it for her, I have got to be honest my ego is still very bruised and haven’t slept too well since but its done now, again thanks for the advice.

Mourinho

Ah Jesus that's a horrible thing to say to someone! If you told her she was **** in bed she's have probably have lost it I bet.

If someone isn't enjoying the sex or whatever any decent person won't say that, they will just use one of the old classics like no spark, etc.

Your far better off not being with her, she's obviously still obsessed over an asshole we which is something you'd don't need but if she treats speaks to someone like she did to you she obviously isn't a great catch as it is.