Abusive relationships , is it me or them?

Nicburberry

Hi all, I see a pattern emerging from my past relationships and wondering how I got myself with these recurrent relationships.

I finished with my last boyfriend because he was pointing out all my faults. Told me my Xmas dinner was ****e so I chucked him out the house. He was a big smoker , told me all my flaws and was walking on egg shells. He had to see me every day. Vandalised my car. Would loan me money and then if I didn't have it after an argument he'd threaten to turn upto my work which caused me so much stress.

My last boyfriend was pretty much the same and a few others before him.

I had a lightbulb moment today, is it me causing them to be like that or is it them ? Maybe I unknowingly provoke something in them to be like that. Or maybe I attract these characters.

I just want to be happy with someone who I can trust and love..not arguing and unnecessary hurt.

bluetomato

You're not causing them to be like that.

But surely there are some warning signs when you start these relationships? I know some people can hide things like that well until they have you sucked in but surely they all didn't?

LegacyUser

It's a dangerous sign when you start to believe that you are somehow to blame for the bad actions of others, it shows that these bad relationships might slowly have begun to chip away at your confidence and made you doubt yourself.

Don't blame yourself. It's possible there is some vulnerability or trait there in you that attracts these types of assholes but you are not for one second the cause of or "provoking" that type of behaviour to happen. That bad behaviour is inherent in them anyways and for whatever reason they may see you as an easy target to act that way towards but you are not the CAUSE of their scummy traits.

Or it might simply be that you have just been very unlucky with the people you've met, but either way there is nothing in you that provokes or deserves to be treated in such a bad way by these people.

So far I commend you for being strong enough to not stand for that crap and for getting rid of these guys to date.

I'm not sure whether the best advice is to maybe speak to somebody who could analyse things with you to see if there is something in your life that unfortunately attracts bad boyfriend types, or to just advise you to keep an eye out for early warning signs with new potential dates but that you will eventually just meet a great guy eventually.

Whatever happens just know that you are not to blame in anyway if somebody becomes unnecessarily abusive towards you in a relationship. That is their own fcuked up issue they need to fix and not for you to blame yourself for. xx

Neyite

You are not to blame, but you might gravitate to a 'type'. It's worth exploring if you are and why with some counselling, and finding ways to spot those kind of bad-boy types in the early stages before you've emotionally invested in a relationship. I did a stint of counselling, read a few books and did a bit of thinking when I came out of a nasty relationship and it really helped me see how I could pick better potential partners than I had been.

woodchuck

Neyite wrote: »

You are not to blame, but you might gravitate to a 'type'. It's worth exploring if you are and why with some counselling, and finding ways to spot those kind of bad-boy types in the early stages before you've emotionally invested in a relationship. I did a stint of counselling, read a few books and did a bit of thinking when I came out of a nasty relationship and it really helped me see how I could pick better potential partners than I had been.

I agree wholeheartedly with this.

It is NOT you that is causing them to be like that. However, there is obviously a pattern developing with the type of men you are attracted to. I think counselling could help you figure out why. Regardless, now that you've recognised the pattern, hopefully you can break it. Even doing some reading in relation to early warning signs of an emotionally abusive relationship could help you avoid them in future.

Nicburberry

I think your all right. I do need to pick up the phone for counselling. I think it has something to do with how my parents relationship was whilst growing up with it. My mam was/is abusive and my dad just puts up with it as feels like he deserves it. So we all grew up thinking this was/is love. But it's not the way to treat people.

I do form very close bonds with my partners.

I did get some closure from my ex tonight, after he had calmed down.
I calmly said he can't be treating people like this and he said it was because every argument we had he felt as though he was losing the best thing that had happened to him and it was his fault and it was because he had no Job and he was trying to impress me with things to make up for him being the way he was. But he did say I had a very good way of twisting things back on him to which I said because I can't actually think of anything I've done wrong and yes I said a nasty thing in our first argument which I apologised for.

Anyway, I just feel like its bloody hard enough to date without this cherry on the top..

eviltwin

There could also be an insecurity or vulnerability about the OP that attracts these kind of men to her. A lot of abusers are very good at finding someone they think they will be able to manipulate and control. It might be worth exploring your self esteem OP and working on building up your own sense of self worth and seeing if you are subconsciously giving out signals that attracts the wrong kind of man.

kylith

Nicburberry wrote: »

I did get some closure from my ex tonight, after he had calmed down.
I calmly said he can't be treating people like this and he said it was because every argument we had he felt as though he was losing the best thing that had happened to him and it was his fault and it was because he had no Job and he was trying to impress me with things to make up for him being the way he was.

Is this the guy you threw out over Christmas? He's saying that he points out your flaws, criticises your cooking, vandalises your car, and threatens to embarrass you at your place of work because he's trying to impress you?! Can you see how messed up that is?

Nicburberry wrote: »

But he did say I had a very good way of twisting things back on him to which I said because I can't actually think of anything I've done wrong and yes I said a nasty thing in our first argument which I apologised for.

And then he turns it back on you. This is classic manipulative behaviour. Please tell me you haven't taken this man back.

Jenneke87

So what's his gameplan exactly? Did he think that if he was going to point out your flaws you would turn around and say:"Thank you for your thoughtful psychoanalysis, I'm so impressed?" And then trying to blame you for it? Please tell us that you're never going to see this twat again.

DukeOfTheSharp

There's a huge difference between someone pointing out a flaw - let's say, an overspending of money which leads to complaints down the line - and someone just criticising away like an arse to make you feel bad. The two should never mix those two up, and this guy is clearly just being an arse. He twists everything to suit himself, makes everything about him, says one thing and does another. I'm a man, and I've been there with abusive girlfriends in the past. It's sociopathic and disgusting behaviour, and leads you to constantly and consistently blame yourself when it's the other person's fault.

None of this is your fault, but you do have an issue where you're drawn to these types of people, and types can be incredibly destructive. They're a social construct that determines attraction based on certain boxes someone ticks, but in my experience, even the most intelligent people - who by rights should be full of empathy, care and respect for others - can be totally abusive and immature just by their nature. Spend some time with a counselor, get yourself right and try to avoid any and all relationships that come your way. It might be tough now, but trust me, it beats being with someone who treats you poorly.

silverbolt

eviltwin wrote: »

There could also be an insecurity or vulnerability about the OP that attracts these kind of men to her. A lot of abusers are very good at finding someone they think they will be able to manipulate and control. It might be worth exploring your self esteem OP and working on building up your own sense of self worth and seeing if you are subconsciously giving out signals that attracts the wrong kind of man.

This is what i was thinking as well.

Its not true that every person who has been a victim of an abusive relationship will then only ever find abusers but there has been numerous patterns documented.

OP, focus on yourself (you are never to blame for an abusers actions. Not ever) and build your confidence. Learn from your experieinces so you can see the signs before your in too deep. And always always trust your gut.

jimmycrackcorm

Nicburberry wrote:

Hi all, I see a pattern emerging from my past relationships and wondering how I got myself with these recurrent relationships.

There's an old saying that goes along the lines that women love a bad boy. Maybe there is some truth in that for you.

There are any number of decent guys out there who treat their partners like gold so perhaps you should think about what attracted you to your partners and learn to avoid that pattern.

silverbolt

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

There's an old saying that goes along the lines that women love a bad boy. Maybe there is some truth in that for you.

There are any number of decent guys out there who treat their partners like gold so perhaps you should think about what attracted you to your partners and learn to avoid that pattern.

Bad boy is a term bandied about too often. And applied by too many "nice guys"

Theres a difference between being attracted to a "bad boy" and being in a relationship with someone who is an abuser

irishgirl19

Why does he do that? by lundy bancroft would be a good book to read.
Someone on boards once suggested it to me and it was very insightful

Elessar

I think a lot of people who find themselves constantly in these types of relationships need to realise that if there is one common denominator in all of them - it's you.

If you find yourself staying with these men despite the way they treat you, then you are tolerating that behaviour. You need to ask yourself - why am I allowing other people to treat me like this? Someone said it once in a way that makes total sense - "We accept the love we think we deserve". You may have low self esteem or low confidence. I would highly suggest a good few sessions with a good CBT counsellor. I had similar issues in the past with women (I am a guy), but I realised that I was allowing myself to be treated this way. Now I know how to spot that behaviour a mile off and simply wouldn't accept it - my self esteem is miles ahead of where it was a few years ago.