Disagreement over bed time

heretothere

Hi, I'll try to keep this short and sweet. So basically I like staying up late watching tv but my boyfriend likes to go to bed early. But he doesn't like me not going to bed with him. So tonight half way through a movie he decided to go to bed and wanted me to go with him. I said I wanted to finish watching the film. Then he tried to convince me ;-) ;-) so I said I could be persuaded to go for half an hour and then finish watching the film. To which he said forget your half hour and just went to bed. I said 'I love you' as he walked out the door he said 'ya'. Now I'm sitting here feeling awful I don't want to hurt his feelings, not a great way to start the year.

It's been an issue for a little while. He has a very physical job so he could go to bed by 9.30/10pm most nights. Where as for me I go at 11/12 still giving me a good night sleep.

I just like staying up late.

Background info. We're together 4 years and living together full time 3 years I'm 28 he's 33. I'm extremely happy with him he's the greatest guy I know. I've always been a night owl, it's been a horrendous year though I've lost my mam and sister so maybe it's getting more frequent. But it's easier to go to bed exhausted.

Augme

Is it like this every night in terms of you both going to bed at different times? If so the best thing to do is comprise and go to bed early some nights and stay up late others.

frostyjacks

Going to bed at 11/12 wouldn't be a night owl in my book; I'd consider that the norm at that age. For him to expect you to go to bed at 9.30/10 is a little controlling, and not gentlemanly behaviour.

Perhaps make the most of the weekends when you're both off work and don't have to worry about getting up in the morning.

Idle Passerby

I gather from your post that he wants you to come to bed at the same time as him because he'd like to be intimate with you before sleeping. Sounds like he might be feeling a bit neglected.

I can see both your sides, he has an unusually early bedtime which isnt appealing for you, but if he tries to stay up til your ready for bed he'd presumably be exhausted. Sounds like he was trying to compromise by making an early bedtime be an opportunity for reconnecting as a couple at the end of the day.

heretothere

He isn't controlling I think he just wants to fall asleep together etc. I don't get how he is trying to compromise? But yes I am worried I've made him feel neglected.
I think I might try going to bed earlier I normally go with him 2/3 nights a week normally when working. But over Christmas, except nights out, I've stayed up later then him. Weekends are the same he's a farmer so he takes an easy day Sunday but still gets up early enough so staying up late isn't really an option for him.
He kinda said it in passing that I do it out of spite but I don't. I'm really hurt. I'll just have to talk to him in the morning.

Mourinho

Jesus if I had to deal with that I'd just think what a big baby I have for an other half.

Does he want you to check under the bed for monsters as well? :pac:

woodchuck

Would you both be able to meet in the middle and go to bed together at about 10.30? A little later for him and a little earlier for you, but not ridiculously so for either of you.

heretothere

Mourinho that's a bit unfair.
Yes, compromise is needed. Maybe I could start reading in bed. That way when he falls asleep I can keep reading at least a few nights a week. He does stay up with me a little later sometimes when we're watching a movie.
If I'm 100% honest I do like the alone time. I travelled alone for 3 years and really enjoy my time alone too.
I don't want to ruin our relationship over something so silly

DukeOfTheSharp

It's best to talk to him about this, because in truth this is a situation best solved by compromising with him. Though it does seem strange to me that at 33 he needs that much sleep, assuming he wakes up around 7-7:30 it's a long time to sleep despite the job - which he should be used to by now.

But I digress, the point being is that it wouldn't kill either of you to get to bed at a time where you could both be intimate, given that he was dropping the incentive of sex, and you shut him down. You're both out of sync and that isn't good for any relationship. I'm not saying you've to be in bed the same time as him all the time, but every second night or so wouldn't kill either one of you. Also it could have something to do with you going to bed after him and possibly waking him up, which just occurred to me. Regardless, this is a fairly simple issue to sort out, it just requires a bit of a talk.

This is an ongoing thing in my ten year relationship but only in terms of our not being in sync, it long since stopped being something either party takes personally. I'm always up two or three hours after she's gone to bed and she seems to find her way up the stairs alone handy enough.

Besides she prefers the hop in the morning, which I don't mind waking up for.

Addle

I don't think he's being controlling or unreasonable.
I used to have this issue in a former relationship and it was very frustrating, for me.
I was always waiting for my ex to come to bed.
Then when he'd eventually go to bed, he'd disturb my sleep.
Issue was never solved so I've no suggestion for you, just letting you know that I understand where he's coming from.
What's the harm in joining him sometimes?

Addle

Addle wrote: »

I don't think he's being controlling or unreasonable.
I used to have this issue in a former relationship and it was very frustrating, for me.
I was always waiting for my ex to come to bed.
Then when he'd eventually go to bed, he'd disturb my sleep.
Issue was never solved so I've no suggestion for you, just letting you know that I understand where he's coming from.
What's the harm in joining him sometimes?

What's the harm in him waiting up, so? There's no party at fault here, just two adults with different clocks.

CaraMay

What is it about farmers? Anybody I know who is with a farmer has issues with then being controlling and it normally gets worse after marriage. Stick to your guns and go to bed with him 1/2 nights per week max. Maybe get a tv for your room so you can watch stuff if you wish. He needs to know that he can't control you.

ElleEm

I find it really odd that people have an expectation that when you are in a relationship you should go to bed at the same time. You are still individuals.

OP, tell your boyfriend to grow up! You don't need someone to control your bedtime. You can have sex and cuddle at other times throughout the day or when you do go to bed together.

Addle

Deleted User wrote: »

What's the harm in him waiting up, so? There's no party at fault here, just two adults with different clocks.

He does wait up sometimes.
They watch films together.

ElleEm

Addle wrote: »

He does wait up sometimes.
They watch films together.

But then he gives out if she doesn't go to bed when he wants.
OP, It is quite odd that he says you do it to spite him.

bloominballix

There are no compromises needed here ffs. You're both adults, go to bed whenever you want. Your bf is being a tool.

mirrorwall14

I find this odd. My husband and I have completely different sleep patterns, I'm a night owl-he's a morning person. We just deal with it and there's never been rows. Sometimes I go to bed, sometimes I go to bed then get back up, sometimes I stay up. It was bloody great when we had a newborn as he did the 6am feed

seamusk84

I would disagree with most people in this thread. I have had this issue with my wife, as like you she likes to stay up late and I go to bed at reasonable hour to get up early the next day.
In my opinion you should go to bed with him earlier as it a much healthier way to be. You will be more refreshed in the morning, although it will take time to adjust. Also it will solve your problem.

Again this is just my opinion and I appreciate there are other views!

You can all now start attacking my post in 3,2,1

mirrorwall14

seamusk84 wrote: »

I would disagree with most people in this thread. I have had this issue with my wife, as like you she likes to stay up late and I go to bed at reasonable hour to get up early the next day.
In my opinion you should go to bed with him earlier as it a much healthier way to be. You will be more refreshed in the morning, although it will take time to adjust. Also it will solve your problem.

Again this is just my opinion and I appreciate there are other views!

You can all now start attacking my post in 3,2,1

To be fair 11 would be considered a reasonable hour by most folks I would think. 9/10 is considered early.

Charles Babbage

seamusk84 wrote: »

I would disagree with most people in this thread. I have had this issue with my wife, as like you she likes to stay up late and I go to bed at reasonable hour to get up early the next day.
In my opinion you should go to bed with him earlier as it a much healthier way to be. You will be more refreshed in the morning, although it will take time to adjust. Also it will solve your problem.
S
Again this is just my opinion and I appreciate there are other views!

You can all now start attacking my post in 3,2,1

People have different body clocks. It is incredibly patronising to say that your preferred sleeping time is somehow superior to someone else, if someone gets enough sleep then 12-8 is as healthy as 11-7.

Mountainsandh

seamusk84 wrote: »

I would disagree with most people in this thread. I have had this issue with my wife, as like you she likes to stay up late and I go to bed at reasonable hour to get up early the next day.
In my opinion you should go to bed with him earlier as it a much healthier way to be. You will be more refreshed in the morning, although it will take time to adjust. Also it will solve your problem.

Again this is just my opinion and I appreciate there are other views!

You can all now start attacking my post in 3,2,1

What's the point in going to bed early when he said he's a night owl and not sleepy ? He'll only be tossing and turning and possibly disrupt his boyfriend's sleep ?

OP I understand both your boyfriend and you. I'm a night owl, but my OH is a worse night owl, practically living his life by night. I would if I could but I have a daytime job.

It's nice to have a routine as a couple, but as you get a bit older, you accept that you are two different people cohabiting, and there is no need to iron out all differences, even lifestyle ones. There's always a way to make it work, meet halfway. Maybe if you have a chat about it in the open, he'll come up with compromise he's happy with. Use humour, invite him to a formal conference on bedtime in your household over coffee and croissants, or say "Honey, we need to talk" in a tongue in cheek manner. It shouldn't be a source of conflict, just a little practical adjustment in your life as a couple.

snickerpuss

mirrorwall14 wrote: »

To be fair 11 would be considered a reasonable hour by most folks I would think. 9/10 is considered early.

Absolutely. I only get home from work about 7 so if I went to bed at 9 I'd barely have my dinner eaten and tidied up.

Addle

Do you have a spare bedroom?

ash23

My oh and I have this issue. Well not issue. But he is a night owl and I'm an early bird.

I don't expect him to go to bed with me every night but the best chats we have are usually in bed because there are no distractions like TV or phones etc so it is some good quality time.

We used to have a routine where we went to bed at the same time then when I was ready for sleep I'd pop in earplugs and fall asleep but he'd watch stuff on his phone.
Lately though he's been staying up watching TV and I will say I feel like we don't have the same quality time plus being intimate is more problematic as I'm usually asleep by the time he gets to bed.
It also can of start to feel like rejection when intimacy happens before sleep (because of life restrictions like work, kids etc) and the other person doesn't want to create that opportunity. It feels like they'd prefer to watch TV.
I can see both sides. I don't get snotty nor would I with my oh for staying up late. He's a grown up and can choose his own bed time.
But when he chooses staying up for a run of a few nights I can start to feel a bit neglected and unwanted.

meeeeh

Is this really about going to bed time or is it about frequency of sex? I tend to stay up longer when under stress, it's my way of dealing with it. At those times our sex life could be very much diminished. It's gotten better now that we do it in the morning but we wake up at about the same time. If you sleep longer than him and he is gone by the time you wake up you might have a bigger problem than different bed times.

Confucius say

People really love throwing this controlling word around whenever they can on this forum. Anyway I had this issue with an ex and I just started sleeping in the spare room during the week. People can't be expected to go to bed at the same time and if they freak out over you coming in and perhaps waking them they're really not the type who can ever expect to be sharing a bed with someone. If you have a spare room just go in there.

heretothere

Thanks for all the advice guys. This morning he said he doesn't have a problem with me staying up late. It's probably just because I've been off for two weeks and he hasn't that it's more noticeable because when I'm working I would to go to bed a bit earlier a few nights a week. And to be fair when working it's normally 11pm for me but over Christmas it's been a lot later a few times so I'm probably disrupting his sleep he's like a ninja I creep into the room but nearly always wake him up! As someone said do we have a spare room, yes but that's really not a route I want to go down.

Also it's been a very stressful Christmas which probably hasn't helped!

No we had a nice calm discussion this morning and it should all be grand. He will have to accept sometimes I will stay up late and I need to go down to bed earlier sometimes. I'll read my book after he falls asleep. I wouldn't trust myself with a tv in the room had one in college and used to stay up till all hours!