confused

LegacyUser

So been on about 5 dates with a guy from online dating.
I know he likes me cos always arranges the next date before date ends.

Anyway haven't had sex yet.
I'm all for perfect gentlemen but I'm hoping he wouldn't soon ha.

Anyway we have had a few pecks on cheeks and one or two kisses but not heavy petting or anything.

Other night, cuddling in bed and he kept backing off every time I tried to kiss him.
He said he had flu.We were out night before no problem...

I was obviously was taken aback and concerned about this.

Opinions welcome

Merkin

Hmmm, it's a bit strange. And if there isn't some passion soon (and I'm not necessarily talking penetrative sex) then you run the risk of finding yourself friend zoned.

Is there any sexy chat between you? How about you tell him that you've been thinking about him and what you look forward to doing when you guys have an opportunity to be intimate? His reaction should tell you all you need to know.

Xterminator

There are lots of reasons why he may have backed off.
performance anxiety, body image issues, religion or cultural things.
It could be that he thinks your special and doesn't want to make a mistake etc.

Its hard to say. But the only way to get to the bottom of it is to have a good talk.

good luck

X

LegacyUser

Had a bit of a chat and said he didn't want to rush things.

I dunno, I hope I have nothing to worry about but was reading the lesbian thread and perhaps he doesn't like sex. I don't mind not having sex for now but nothing else I don't think so!

Merkin

Not wanting to rush things is one thing but backing away from kissing or petting at this stage is just very strange. Do you know much about his relationship history?

LegacyUser

I thought the exact same.

He went out with a girl for years and another one.
Both cheated though.

I am v concerned as have never known a guy to not want to do anything but I'll see how it is next time

LegacyUser

He did actually mention in passing could meet somewhere in between to which I responded wouldn't be able to stay over.
He also drinks diet soft drinks but that is not a reason to suggest other way inclined.

I know there is no one else but the more I think about this the more worrying it gets.

He said it was worrying that I brought up about no physical affection so soon!


Now unless he just wants to take things extremely slow but turning kissing down was
actually not a nice feeling at all.

So I'll meet him again at least once anyway and see how it goes.

Sinister Kid

The five dates, how many days/weeks were they over? Maybe he just thinks it's too soon... Some people prefer to wait before jumping into bed. When you think about it, you have only met this guy five times, with online chatting & texting you can create a bond with someone in a short time but maybe he just needs a little longer. Everybody is different. My advice would be to give it another couple of dates & if nothing has happened, ask him out straight if he he is into you or just sees you as a friend.

Augme

I'd get out if I was in your position. I suppose it all depends on how much you enjoy sex and how important it is to you in a relationship. For me it's extremely important and sexual compatibility is essential. I think being adventurous and will to try new things would also be an important factor for me. I just can't imagine someone who isn't even interested in kissing after 5 dates is ever going to be a compatible partner for me. At this point you should be asking what you want sexually from a relationship and if you think this guy can provide it. I certainly think investing yourself emotionally in this guy only for the sex part to never materialise is a bad idea. I'd get out before you become too attached.

Alf Veedersane

Sit him down and politely ask WTF. There's no point in second guessing.

There may be a relatively straightforward answer for his reluctance but either way you'll know.

Idle Passerby

Sinister Kid wrote: »

Some people prefer to wait before jumping into bed.

The part that strikes me as odd is that they have already jumped into bed...only to engage in a few chaste kisses that he avoids going further with. Why bother asking a girl to stay over if all he wants to do is roll over and go to sleep?

I sounds like you may have incompatible libidos. If it was me Id probably be concluding that I was his slumber party pal at this point.

gothic_doll

You mentioned diet soda drinks- does he drink?

This is kinda lame, but on okcupid there's a few data analytics blogs. One of them has a chart which shows that people who say (on question answers) that they like the taste of beer, also tend to select that they'd consider sleeping with someone on a first date. So a correlation between drinking and a more casual attitude towards sex. Maybe the opposite is true.

If he doesn't drink, I can see why he might have trouble relaxing/loosening up. If he's too nervous to kiss, he might be too nervous for sex by extension, and it could all get very embarrassing if he tried.

So my advice is, erm, get him tipsy/drunk. If you can't, maybe do something very exciting together (extreme sports or a great gig) which might raise his endorphins enough to create positive feelings rather than anxiety.

(obviously this is all a lot of effort, so you have to like him.)

Tigger99

I think getting him drunk is a terrible idea.

OP I'd suggest speaking to him again. Maybe he doesn't want sex to cloud his judgement if he's unsure about the relationship, maybe he doesn't want to get sexually intimate as he's afraid of emotional intimacy after being cheated on, maybe his libido is low. But you can't read his mind.

If I were you it would concern me that he thinks it's worrying that you want to get physical so soon. Talk about making you feel crap. It would make me wonder what exactly he thinks about sex, does he consider it shameful?

LegacyUser

Yrs, it's definitely concerning Tiger.I love affection and sex and have told him I enjoy being intimate.

He does drink.I wouldn't care if he didn't.Nothing happened then either.

I have sent a few very tame sexy texts but get nothing back.This is very off putting.

He has mentioned being flu like now a few times last few days..I think this could be code nothing happening again! But I could be wrong.Hopefully I am wrong.

I have a sneaking suspicion his mum really wants him to have a gf and maybe this is for show!!

The dates have been quite spread out I guess.One a week or every 2. Live hr away.

Yeah he asked me to stay over but didn't seem one bit interested in doing anything.
Maybe he thinks it's too early for sex but no kissing when in bed with a woman!!!


He says he likes me and that's why he asked to meet up again but I don't know is it just for company.

Yeah, I'll give it at least one more date to see but I can't stick around much longer if nothing.

He is a nice guy and treats me well in every other way but it's not going to be enough unless something happens soon.

Merkin

I'd give it one more date. I mean kissing is one of the best things in the world and even if he really genuinely didn't want to rush into sex, I can't believe that he's being chaste to this degree. I'd also be concerned that HE has expressed concern that you've raised it as an issue. It's not like you've been out for a coffee and asked him to don a gimp mask and nipple clamps :rolleyes: Five dates and there should definitely be some action, all of this waiting should be like extended foreplay but that doesn't seem to be the case at all. You've expressed your concern so if he doesn't make a move on the next date I'd be waving adios!

Idle Passerby

confused111) wrote: »

I have a sneaking suspicion his mum really wants him to have a gf and maybe this is for show!!

This isn't a good sign! Do you think there's a chance he's Asexual? I've heard Asexual people (on TV mainly) say they are interested in having an emotional relationship but view sex as a reluctant concession in order to have a family. Either way he shouldn't be guilting you for wanting a sex life especially when he's leading you on to believe he's interested in a relationship.

gothic_doll

Once a week or every two weeks to meet up is normal to me, and that's if I like someone. (any more is a bit much to me).

However not replying to tame sexy texts is strange considering he's had 2 gfs before. Possibly he is still hurting from something, is trying to push himself to do something he isn't ready for. He can tell his friends he's seeing a girl etc, they assume that it's a lot more romantic than it is.

I think still keep seeing him if you enjoy his company, maybe be a new friend for him. But maybe it isn't gonna go anywhere as partners.

LegacyUser

The thought of him being asexual has definitely crossed my mind.
I also mentioned to him in a nice way hope it's not for show.. Tell his mum and friends etc as you say.
He didn't reply to that part of conversation.

I wonder is the reason the girls cheated is cos nothing was happening at home but he was treating them well every other way.

I am meeting him at wknd so I think by this date, I'll know.