How to get over Ex ......

LegacyUser

I have to go unreg for this as it is extremely embarrassing and I need a slap in the face and told to cop on!!!!

As the title suggests how do you get over your ex especially when you have kids together so cannot cut contact!!!! I have to see him constantly and keep things friendly and amicable.

Background - Together for 10 years and 2 kids. I left 2 years ago after cheating and general disrespect for me (numerous things that happened overt he years). I could not allow my children to grow up thinking it was normal. For the last 2 years he has tried on numerous occasions to get back together but I was never ready or trusted that he had changed. But I always thought that in time we would be together. We would often do things as a "family" and have some good times together. And yes we did sleep together a couple of times. I knew he had an on/off girlfriend but when questioned he would say it was not serious or it had ended etc...

Now - He recently told that he is now engaged (to the girlfriend mentioned above). This news has hit me like a ton of bricks and has sent me right back to square one. I never fell out of love with him and always thought one day we would get back together but now it is never going to happen and he has now moved on. To make things worse I e-mailed him about how I felt drunk one night!! I expected him to ignore it but he didn't and have ended up being together a couple of times. (I don't need to hear how horrible that is of me I already know). We have put a stop to it and are barely getting on.

But I have so many horrible feeling going around in my head - why am I not good enough for him, why should he be happy, get engaged and not me, I stuck with him hoping he would change but now she gets the rewards!

I do not want to feel like this and be one of those bitter exes but I cannot get myself out of this feeling of self-pity and it is destroying me and my kids deserve so much better.

Do I need to go to counseling which I cannot afford?? Do I need to cut complete contact for 6 months and have all communications/collections done via family members?? My self esteem is right back down to where it was just before I left. When I left him I never felt better in myself or stronger. I knew 100% I was doing the right thing but now I even doubt that. I have done some much the last 2 years to be proud of but it is so pathetic to let this happen to me again!

Its being a miserable Christmas & New Year and I just cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Thanks for reading or any advice!

Augme

howtogetoverex wrote: »

I stuck with him hoping he would change but now she gets the rewards!

Rewards? She's engaged to a cheating, selfish piece of ****. I'd hardly call that a reward. On that note, why would you ever want to get back together with a guy like that? Your self-esteem and self-respect must be non-existent if you've set the bar that low.

LegacyUser

Ah here OP, you need to be kind to yourself. You will always have some emotion for this man, he's the father of your kids but that emotion needn't define you. Right now, just accept that you have feelings, don't run from it. In time, those feelings will change and diminish but this guy will always be part of your life.

You need to invest your energy into yourself. Make yourself a promise to do something nice and keep it. Whether it's a weekend in a spa with a good friend, or a trip to a nice city. Then, set yourself a goal you will have achieved by then. The only way to get over someone, imo, is to keep busy and to build up your own life. What makes you you? What is it you like to do, just for yourself? Do some of those things, imo.

But mostly, be kind. This guy is no loss from your emotional life, I can accept some people struggle to be monogamous but no one has the right to ever make someone else feel bad about themselves. He did a terrible thing by undermining your confidence and self-belief, and when you really see that, you'll see you deserve much better.

Good luck, and genuinely, it gets better.

orthsquel

OP you did do the right thing in leaving him 2 years ago. He was cheating on you and you couldn't trust him as a result of his actions. On top of it he wasn't being 100% honest with you about the girlfriend either. And that girlfriend isn't that lucky, she's engaged to someone who has cheated on her, lied about the status of their relationship and exposed both you and her to STIs (and of which you should ensure you get yourself fully checked if you haven't already).

Regardless of all that has happened though, you need to openly acknowledge externally (i.e. say it out loud) that he has moved on, he is engaged and with someone else now. The more you say it out loud and not in your head, the more real it becomes and the easier it is to accept and fully acknowledge. He has moved on. And so will you.

I don't think it's the case of "why are you not good enough for him and why should he be happy"

You should be looking at it from the point of view that he and what he offers is not good enough for you and that you are better off without what little he offers. You may not feel it now, but you are worth a lot more and have a lot to offer and that you are better than him.

I think you should get counselling.... I think you should have a chat with your GP about what you are feeling and discuss options on counselling further with them.

As for parenting, it is possible to co-parent without having much personal interaction. But you have to prepare yourself to organise that on your terms that you are able to communicate with him as a co-parent on a medium that you are comfortable with that can work for both of you as co-parents and your children. I don't think you should go the way of communicating through other family members as I think it could go wrong in that the children would unintentionally be the ones being put in the middle to communicate for both of you, and that adult situation is not something they should end up dealing with at all. Yourself and your ex husband will need to work on a way to communicate but on a level as co-parents that you are most comfortable with on your terms. After all his actions, you do at least have the right to make a decision on how you want to communicate with him as a co-parent to your children.

LegacyUser

His fiancée is now in the position that you were in before you left him. Why do you think she's the winner? There will only ever be one winner with him. He will spend his life suiting himself. He hasn't met "the one" who he wants to change his ways for and settle down with. He has just met "another one" who he will cheat on and disrespect. If it's not with you it'll be with someone else.

Mourn the loss of your relationship, but please don't feed this lad's ego anymore. He can justify his actions to himself with no hassle. Everything he does wrong will always be somehow someone else's fault. You weren't getting along when he cheated on you. He wasn't getting along with his gf when you threw yourself at him etc etc. He lied to you when you were together and he's been lying to you for the 2 years you've been apart. He can never be the person you want him to be. And you shouldn't want him to be anything to you anymore.