worried

naya84

Looking for some guidance,
I've been with my OH for over six years now. Met my OH when I just started a new job. We were friends first but we always shared feelings for each other so after a few months we started going out. We fell in love very quickly and after about six months together he suggested that we should get married in the future. Obviously, I didn't take it too seriously at the time as I was more taken by the fact that he genuinely loved me. We were inseparable for over four years.

However, last year my OH decided to go back to college to do a new course. Things suddenly changed. He made out before he started the course that I was not supportive of him doing it. I will admit I was worried that it might change our relationship as we were very close and he had a well paid job so I didnt really see why he wanted to do a course and have no money for a couple of years. Anyways he explained to me that he wasnt happy in his job and wanted to do something different so I honestly did fully support him as I only wanted him to be happy.

When he started the course he made new friends which is great because before that he didnt have many friends only me as he didn't hang out with anyone else outside of work. Yet, since he has begun this new course everytime we now have an argument he threatens to leave me. This has made me extremely insecure.

My OH is of Pakistani origin and due to his culture I haven't been able to see his family. Last week, we got into an argument because I said I have never seen his family after six years and felt that our relationship was going nowhere. He ofc blamed cultural differences and after a huge argument he told me it was over. He then called me the next day on the phone saying that he wanted his stuff back (he had left some clothes of his at mine) so I ofc got upset and begged him not to leave me. I know begging someone to stay with you is wrong but like I said I feel like ive invested a lot of time into the relationship and all of the threats of him leaving me in the past year has made me insecure. My OH has a bad temper and can be very cruel when he is angry. When I begged him not to leave he told me that this was my final chance and if I mess up again he will get with someone else straight away.

My question is how do I know if he really wanted our relationship to be over or if he called me on purpose knowing that I would appologise and beg him not to leave me? Everytime we argue and he threatens to leave me I always appologise and beg him not to go and the cycle seems to continue. I admit though when i feel hurt I can also be cruel. When we had the argument I told him that I felt like I had wasted years of my life on something that was going nowhere and I blamed him in the wrong for other matters that aren't going well for me at the moment. I really do love him and I know he loves me too we get on so well most of the time its just the arguments when we argue have become volatile. I really just want guidance on whether my OH really wanted to break up with me all along or whether he wanted to gain control in the relationship. I don't want to carry on knowing that someone is only with me because they feel bad for me.

DukeOfTheSharp

In my experience someone who pulls that sort of act is being manipulative. They're seeking to regain control over the situation by putting your feelings aside in order to emphasize their own. I've been there, one of my relationships had that undertone of manipulation that screwed with my emotions and mind - it moved incredibly fast and I got swept up in it - so much so that when it all ended I realised that I hadn't even had a chance to convey how I felt at any point. I also find it interesting that you supported his decision to do something different, yet now he seems to be flipping the script and acting as if you've caused him a neverending stream of issues. Whether he's stressed or not, it's unacceptable, and really if you swapped the genders OP, yours is a story almost the exact same as mine.

Here's the thing, arguements, however bad, shouldn't escalate to that sort of level so quickly. It seems like he's the one escalating them because he doesn't like what he's hearing, you're unhappy with how your relationship is progressing and have a right to express that, but he cranks up the drama and throws out the ultimatum to silence you. It's ridiculous, and the fact of the matter is that he thinks he can 'do better', which means he doesn't love you. You're there to support him, but there's no guarantee that when he's done, he won't drop you. (that happened to me) To someone like you OH, you're simply a tool for his benefit, and a burden when you have your own problems. That's not a relationship worth saving, nor is it a relationship worth evolving into a marriage. Lay down your problems in a calm fashion and if he escalates, simply say 'I'm leaving you'. Have bags packed and a friend close by with keys so they can help you get your things out. You can't keep living like this OP, just because you love him doesn't mean he loves you in return; he loves what you do for him, he loves the idea of you, but in reality he hasn't the maturity to handle a relationship and you deserve better.

Hemerodrome

I'm not getting from your story why the college course is connected to his being as dick. It may have started at the same time in your eyes, but other than that I can see no cause and effect. Anyway, the important thing is that you're not his partner, you're a willing captive. You're allowing yourself to be manipulated and he's cruel enough to take advantage. Make all the excuses you like about time invested or whatever,but you're still staying in an emotionally abusive relationship. It doesn't matter where he's from, how long you've been together or anything else, you're in a bad relationship with a cruel, manipulative bastard and I recommend the next time he threatens to leave you say "great, seeya". Do anything else and you'll just get sucked deeper into the same toxic cycle.

Ursus Horribilis

I'd also be a concerned about him never having introduced you to his family. It's not the politically correct thing to say but a lot of these relationships can end in tears because of the cultural differences. Does his family even know you exist? I know of a couple of cases where men from that culture dropped their Irish girlfriends and married women of their own religion.

Aside from that, this sounds like an awful relationship now. He knows that you're so invested in the relationship continuing that threats to leave are the buttons to press when there's an argument. As the others have said, it is manipulation and it's not how a loving partner behaves.