Feeling like a sap/idiot..

LegacyUser

Going anon...

So basically I was with the ex for about 4/4.5yrs. We broke up going on 2yrs now. Beforehand we were really close friends before it got serious. Known her 10yrs now and would still see her as a friend even with the relationship over and done with.

Around this time last year we lost all contact completely, no phone numbers or anything and I was blocked from her Facebook. So I find out she got into another relationship (which is fine by me) around the same time we lost contact.

Out of the blue I get a fb message from her saying hello long time no speak. Turns out the this other guy told her he was stringing her along, didnt love her, blocked her from fb etc etc

I genuinely felt sorry for her and talked it over with her. Like myself, she suffers from depression. She asked could she call me to talk and I said yeah sure and gave my new number. She rang me quite a few times over the last 2 weeks off of a private number, telling me her problems and I cheered her up. She wouldnt let me have her phone number which I thought was strange but just went along because she was down about what he had done.

Christmas day she tells me he had unblocked her and was replying to her, and ever since that I have heard nothing, not a word.

So I dont know really. I just feel like a real f**king idiot and it's wrecking my head that I cant have it out with her or anything.

Did she just take me for a sap? a dope?

Really annoyed with myself over it.

(hope this makes some kind of sense! sorry for rant.)

Thanks.

Ursus Horribilis

Yeah I can understand why you'd not be feeling the best. It's never nice to feel you've been used. She was happy enough to cut you completely out of her life when this new man came along, then come running back when things went pear shaped. You didn't do anything different to what any of us would've done for an old friend. My guess is that most people would have given her the benefit of the doubt regarding that private number - it's what kind hearted humans do. Most people want to help.

You're not a mug- you've seen a different side to her. As an aside, the tinfoil hat wearer in me wonders is she still using her old number but hiding it when she calls?

Atlantic Dawn

You may have saved her life, think of it that way. It cost you nothing, I'd feel happy about it myself if it was me, a good deed done.

Hemerodrome

Atlantic Dawn wrote: »

You may have saved her life, think of it that way. It cost you nothing, I'd feel happy about it myself if it was me, a good deed done.

Great way of looking at it. I'd have to ask too, what did you think was going to happen OP? If you saw it as a potential reconciliation, that was you getting ahead of yourself at best. If you didn't and you are as over it as you say, then you can walk it off knowing you helped someone in need.

ziedth

Yea I agree with the two lads feel good for being a good person. It was a ****ty thing to do but you can come out of it knowing you did the right thing. Having said all that if it happens again I would call her put on it and cut contact. You don't want to be made a mug of either

Augme

I agree with Atlantic Dawn in that you should look at it as a positive. But as ziedth says I wouldn't let it happen again. Cut contact and ignore her if she gets in touch.

LegacyUser

Hemerodrome wrote: »

Great way of looking at it. I'd have to ask too, what did you think was going to happen OP? If you saw it as a potential reconciliation, that was you getting ahead of yourself at best. If you didn't and you are as over it as you say, then you can walk it off knowing you helped someone in need.

I thought we could at least be friends, nothing more. I'm no threat to her relationships or anything.

I guess I was getting ahead of myself tbh.

Just don't understand why run to me and then, basically, f**k me off. That's how it feels anyway.

I know her too well too know she wouldn't do anything silly, so I don't see the saving her life thing.

Maybe I'm just overthinking.

SeaBreezes

Idiotfeeling wrote: »

I thought we could at least be friends, nothing more. I'm no threat to her relationships or anything.

I guess I was getting ahead of myself tbh.

Just don't understand why run to me and then, basically, f**k me off. That's how it feels anyway.

I know her too well too know she wouldn't do anything silly, so I don't see the saving her life thing.

Maybe I'm just overthinking.

Maybe the new boyfriend is very controlling?
Doesnt like her having contact with old boyfriends?

LegacyUser

SeaBreezes wrote: »

Maybe the new boyfriend is very controlling?
Doesnt like her having contact with old boyfriends?

Well she told me she hasn't been on a night out since the relationship started. So take it as that.

No point in making a mug outta me though.

Rubberchikken

i think she knows you're a good, kind person who would be willing to listen to her.
you gave your time and a listening ear when she seemed to need it, but i would advise against being available again the next time this bf of her's blocks/unfriends her. if you let yourself be the one she comes running to to listen to her woes then your life will never move on and you deserve better than that.

good luck

orthsquel

It sounds to me like she was looking for familiarity and comfort. If she only initiated contact with you within the last month then possibly the sentiment and emotion that is around Christmas time had a part to play that encouraged a gamble to connect with an ex and old friend... at a time perhaps when many of her actual friends were too busy or unavailable or perhaps didn't want to let on to them about the relationship troubles given that they might have differing opinions on it anyway (i.e. maybe they knew what the real deal was and she didn't want to hear I told you so or something similar). In any case I would see that her contact with you was only ever going to be temporary as a stop gap as something to fall back on.

But look, you wouldn't be the first or last this has ever happened to. There's no shame in what happened. And yes it is cold and infuriating and that bit heartless to be dropped once the bf comes back on the scene and you don't hear from her again and are left wondering wtf (or even left worried!). You wouldn't be the first, nor last either.

Whatever about feeling like you have done a nice thing to be there for her, the least you can say about yourself is that you acted in a way that shows you in a good light, not necessarily to or for the benefit of others, but to yourself. You've done right by yourself. You haven't done something that you might otherwise feel ashamed about or have regrets about. And you have done nothing that might make you feel guilty or to have to apologise for, or seek forgiveness over. And you should be proud of it. Don't be angry with yourself over it, you can't always know other people's intentions or motivations. But do not let it cause you to be mistrustful of other people because of her and what she did, it will not serve you well.

Move on from it, but I'd agree with suggestions already made, perhaps should she out of the blue make contact again to lean on you, that causes you to feel sorry for her, rather than be her counsellor, her confidant, her friend on her terms as and when it suits her, you do it only on your own terms, and you don't have to be as available.

getaroom

Take it from me, an idiot in my own right, Lifes too short, move on and learn from the experience. Its good that you have empathy and anyone worthy would recognize that for what it is - a nice man.

LegacyUser

Rubberchikken wrote: »

i think she knows you're a good, kind person who would be willing to listen to her.
you gave your time and a listening ear when she seemed to need it, but i would advise against being available again the next time this bf of her's blocks/unfriends her. if you let yourself be the one she comes running to to listen to her woes then your life will never move on and you deserve better than that.

good luck

Very true. Never really looked at it that way.

Is she just taking the p!ss outta me?

backspacer

At the risk of sounding very cynical,she is just using you as a self esteem buffer until something better comes along, this girl blocked you till her bf dumped her for Christ's sake, then all of a sudden hello again.

Just remove yourself from this girls orbit once and for all, de friend her and don't let her use you as her feel good support. It only screws with your head and is of no benefit to you.