Feeling without Hope

LegacyUser

Hello. I'm not sure where this belongs, here or in relationship issues. Apologies Mods if I have it wrong.

I'm sure where to begin and am feeling a little strange about posting here. The time of year coupled with recent events have me feeling lonely and a little heartbroken. To be honest I'm not sure what kind of advice I am looking for. I know myself so well. Maybe some insight, different perspectives, or others to share their experiences. About two months ago I met a man. He had many of the qualities I would look for in a partner. We had similar values, we wanted the same things, he was clever and funny and I felt wonderful when I was with him. We laughed a lot and it was really easy. At the beginning he was very honest about what he wanted. This impressed me. I was used to men messing me around, or only wanting something casual. This is different I thought. I had a hope I hadn't in some time.

I have a tendency to get carried away so I was determined to begin this with a different frame of mind. In fact it was him who spoke about holidays next Christmas, and ringing me every night, how he was happy to have found me. Again I tried so hard to not get caught up and lose the run of myself. Oddly enough he decided after about five weeks to "dial things back". He said it would be a shame if we burnt out too quick and felt that perhaps we jumped the gun a bit with being girlfriend and boyfriend so quickly. I was surprised but it made sense given the change in his behaviour. He had stopped ringing me as much, had stopped telling me how he couldn't wait to see me, there was no more talk of future plans.
Of course I agreed with him that yes slowing down would be a good idea. I do believe it is foolish to rush in, as much as we may want to.

Nevertheless it was all a bit jarring for me. The sudden shift. I couldn't help but wonder. So yesterday he told me that something was missing for him, the butterflies he felt when we first met had disappeared. I asked him when he noticed this and he said about a week or two ago. This isn't an ex bashing thread. He handled it all very well and was honest and upfront. The thing is, the reason I'm feeling like I'm feeling, is that this keeps happening to me. I'm hurting that it didn't work out with that man because I really wanted it to, I'm hurting because I am so tired of rejection and of the longing deep inside. It's like there is a little voice that whispers "when will it be my turn". I can feel the tears well up as I type these words, in a café, surrounded by couples and families, feeling at 34 like the loneliest woman in the world.

About three years ago I was in another short lived relationship. It was only about three months. Again he was full of it. He told me he wanted us to last and last. He ended things because he said his feelings changed, that he was almost in love with me but didn't quite get there. Last January a nine month relationship ended. Similar thing. The guy had told me he wanted to marry me, that I made him so happy, how he loved me like he never loved anyone. We spent a lovely Sunday together in our favourite pub. Us talking about plans for the future. The following Sunday he broke up with me. Again another case of his feelings having changed, of not being able to give me the support I needed at that time as I was dealing with a few things.

Here I am again. Last weekend was lovely. There was no doubt there wasn't a mutual attraction, the sex was amazing, how we connected, but for him something was missing. Then there were the dates in between, so many instances of "I'm not feeling it", or "romantically I'm not there" etc. I'm terrified of this happening again. I have looked at my behaviour and the dynamic when I'm in a relationship. I know my triggers, my insecurities, my patterns, but it feels like it doesn't matter what I do or don't do. I give the guy space, I don't play games, I don't behave needy or difficult, but it doesn't matter. The outcome is always the same and I'm tired of it and kind of angry.

So that's where I'm at right now. An old familiar place of rejection. Thanks for reading.

via4

I hear ya sista the old rejection game... I also had a very similar experience the last few weeks getting wrapped up in meeting up with a guy who seemed mad about me... Then stopped contacting me or answering my text so my past told me he was t interested so I text n said its clear were on different pages to which he said he was interested. A phone call later that night he talked me round and the second I said I would give it another meet he informed me he was not able to meet ova Xmas or New Years and couldn't tell me when we were meeting up again except sometime in the new year where we would "get a hotel" for the day. I would honestly feel like a prostitute doing that. I only time I ever stayed in hotels like that was with a boyfriend. This guy wants to sleep with me and be a free agent. I made it clear from the start I stopped meeting up with someone who didnt want a relationship so he knew what I wanted ( just in case someone replies saying you
Prob lead him on ). He also said he didn't like condoms but if I got pregnant I would have to get a termination. I said I have long term contraception and he said wel il just have to believe you. Like why would I lie about something like that I would always cover myself anyway. He said we would meet up just before Xmas ( this was when it was going great ) so I thought to myself I would get him a Xmas gift just in case he hands me something as we were seeing each other for the few weeks and sometimes you don't know what to do but he ignored me that week so i kept the gift then. Feeling kinda fragile tonight so hope no one has a harsh reply to me on what happened and how I didn't everything wrong in that situation. He text me happy new year earlier but I'm ignoring it all I think when he comes into my mind is creep! Haha xxx honey. Some of us are just unlucky love to you xxx

DB01

Maybe you're both too "nice" and you're being taken for granted. Keep your own interests/hobbies going and don't be too available. Not saying you are or that you need to play games. You do need to be your own person and prioritise your own happiness though.

LegacyUser

DB01 wrote: »

Maybe you're both too "nice" and you're being taken for granted. Keep your own interests/hobbies going and don't be too available. Not saying you are or that you need to play games. You do need to be your own person and prioritise your own happiness though.

I have thought about this. Definitely in past relationships I had a tendency to lose myself. I would bend over backwards for the man. At the time I knew it was foolish but I wanted things to work so badly that I continued in that manner.
My most recent failure was different. I had learnt a lot from previous mistakes. I began with a different frame of mind. My sense of self was very much retained. Yet it didn't matter.
Of course I know we can't choose who we fall for or who makes us feel giddy inside but just this once I would like to be the person that they are excited to be with and can't wait to see.

My current experience is compounded by the fact that it has happened so many times before. Now I do have deep issues regarding loss and rejection which are added to the mix.

LegacyUser

I feel your pain. Its not nice to be in that position, more so due to the time of year thats in it. Im not going out with anyone and I dont have a family(very dysfuctional, gone our seperate ways) and this christmas has been very challenging. When I went to do my christmas shopping for clothes it was like I was the only person doing it by themselves. At one stage I was waiting on a changing rooms and outside each of the rooms was the girlfriend/wife of the guy trying on clothes. In some cases the woman was actually in the room itself. It sounds nuts, but I was the only man in the mens underwear section. It was all women buying for the men in their lives. Everywhere it was couples and families and at first I found it very sad and difficult. But heres the thing I realised, this pain was actually a gift or an opportunity to heal old wounds. Id go home after a day of being exposed to couples and happy families everywhere, feeling lost and alone, so Id sit with that feeling, welcome it in, not run away from it or repress it in anyway. Just let the full brunt of it come into me. It was an amazing experience, it transformed me because the next day I was in town being exposed to the exact same situation, the feeling was completely different. Instead of feeling alone, I was now feeling content and happy, and now I saw the beauty in the relationships other people had. Id smile when I saw the families and the couples and this generated even more feelings of good will inside of me.
OP my point is this, The reason you feel the way you feel is not because of what some other person in your life is or isnt doing, its because of the issues and unprocessed emotions you carry with you all the time. What youre feeling now is a gift. I know it doesnt feel that way but its an opportunity to feel what you didnt feel at a time when maybe it was too overwhelming for you to face, probably when you were a little kid. Sit down with the feelings and welcome them. Do not wish them away or try to get rid of them. Imagine they're like a little kid whos been out in the freezing cold for so long knocking at your door, trying to get you to let them in. Welcome those feelings, trust me if you do, things in your outer world will change. Its not about finding the right person, its about finding yourself and healing the wounds of the past.

LegacyUser

Hi 54321,

I agree about pain being a gift. I have faced down far worse than relationship difficulties and came out the other side resilient and with a deep compassion for other people.
It feels a little like this particular struggle is the last piece of my puzzle. Sitting with the feelings, allowing them to come, is something I do, have done, and yet here I am.

I have years of therapy behind me. You are absolutely right when you say it is myself I need to find. I just don't know how to figure this one out. How to stop the longing and the constant wondering if it's me, if I'm flawed in some way. Then of course there is the "what ifs" and the "if onlys". My poor heart and mind feels like it will explode at times.

When every opportunity for happiness with another person disappears when he decides he no longer feels it or something is missing or some other type of reason, it gets hard to keep your head about you and cope with the hurt.
I can't remember the last time I ended a relationship It's always the other way around.

LegacyUser

Sorry but to the woman who posted about guy who didn't like condoms (not OP) and that he'd have to trust you were on contraception? Did you just trust he was std free, pregnancy is lesser evil. Hope you've gotten self tested

LegacyUser

VeryTired wrote: »

I have years of therapy behind me. You are absolutely right when you say it is myself I need to find. I just don't know how to figure this one out. How to stop the longing and the constant wondering if it's me, if I'm flawed in some way. Then of course there is the "what ifs" and the "if onlys". My poor heart and mind feels like it will explode at times.

When every opportunity for happiness with another person disappears when he decides he no longer feels it or something is missing or some other type of reason, it gets hard to keep your head about you and cope with the hurt.
I can't remember the last time I ended a relationship It's always the other way around.

Ok I gotta take you up on one thing, you say that every opportunity for happiness with another person disappears........alarm bells go off when I here things like that because it means you're subcontracting out your happiness to another person. Like as if your happiness was depending on you getting love from someone other than yourself. I'm sorry but that's never gonna happen. You will never meet a person who can give you what you're looking for. Its all down to you. You need to be happy were you are. Its a paradox, like pretty much everything in life. The more you long to be loved by someone else the less you will be loved. But the more you love yourself and extend that outwards, not looking to take anything in return, then it comes to you easily. I know it sucks, like the people who.need to be loved the most should get the most love. But they don't. People who already feel loved, attract more of the same to them. The difference is loving yourself first. There's no way around it, otherwise you will be looking for another person to to do that job for you and that will never work out. Life forces your hand. Its like you ask for patience and life gives you a line at the bank. You ask for love and live gives you a string of failed relationships. You'll never get what you ask for directly, but you will receive the means to develop what you're looking for yourself.
Your pattern is significant, you keep attracting people who ultimately turn out to be unavailable. Over and over this happens. But you're the one picking these guys, you're recreating this over and over. I know you're not doing it intentionally, it's a subconscious action, but you are doing it. People do this in a vain attempt to recreate childhood patterns, so that they finally get the love they never got. Like if a parent was unavailable them that leaves a deep wound and we'll keep trying to get that which we never got from people in an attempt to finally win, to finally get the love we crave from an unavailable person. But it's never gonna happen. You gave to break the cycle and the only way is to heal yourself and love yourself. If you do that then you won't have that deep longing, it'll go away. And the paradox is that when it does then you 'll attract someone to you when you least need it.

orthsquel

I would suspect that behind it all in your ex is someone who cannot emotionally commit and gets carried away with in emotional context an idealistic fantasy version in their head, of which they vocalise snippets from it to whoever they want to project them onto. It sounds in a way that either they lived a relationship in their head from beginning to end and that they were just not emotionally mature or able enough to cope with what they felt, and didn't want to get hurt - or are afraid of rejection - and just side stepped the relationship to protect themselves from being rejected or being hurt.

Either way tbh I think you are better off without him and others like him who are more prone to preferring a fantasy relationship (all talk and no substance or actions) while being one of those who seem like "the pining for someone to love" types, while passing up every real relationship with someone compatible because of their own issues of fear of rejection and general insecurity with their emotional immaturity and insecurity. They are indefinitely emotionally unavailable.

In light of guest54321's post, directly above mine, I think you should read that several times OP as it is a great post.

LegacyUser

54321, I have read your post a few times now. It's the same advice I would give to someone feeling like I am. I wholeheartedly agree with you that I and I alone am responsible for my happiness. The thing is I do love myself. It's something else. I think. Something happened to me a number of years ago, it tore me up inside and left me feeling that I was easily discarded. The people who were supposed to love me and accept me turned their backs on me. Sometimes I think the longing is an effort to fix that part of me that was broken. Perhaps I should go back to therapy and work on this some more.

Orthsquel, I wish you were right because then I would feel less flawed. When the man I was recently seeing decided he wanted to dial things back I did wonder what that was about and felt it said more about him than me. It seemed that on one hand he wanted to find love as much as I did but on the other hand was conflicted about how he was going about it and scared. However after he told me that his feelings changed in the last two weeks then I saw that dialling back in a different light. That perhaps he knew then off his uncertainty and it was his way of giving himself a bit of space to figure out if he wanted to be with me.

My instinct tells me that it really was a simple case of him just not being in to me as much as one should be with the person they are dating. I have no animosity or anger towards him. He told me that I deserve someone who wants to spend all their time with me. He's right.

That's the thing. I absolutely believe that I deserve this. That I'm worthy and a really good person who has a lot to offer. Yet that belief doesn't seem to translate into the reality of how I am in relationships.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I'm sorry to hear you're going through such a rough time. I can empathise entirely with your situation; it's one that I, and I presume many others, have experienced. It's particularly hard at this time of the year, and I know only too well the gnawing, consuming, debilitating sense of isolation that can be felt when seeing couples and families do their thing at Christmas, while you go about your business, alone, wondering when you might be part of "something", with a partner, and maybe even some small people - again. And again. And again. It's no fun year after year, is it?

A few things in your posts really stood out for me - I don't know if they have made you stop and think, but they did that to me, as I was reading:

VeryTired wrote: »

... Definitely in past relationships I had a tendency to lose myself. I would bend over backwards for the man. At the time I knew it was foolish but I wanted things to work so badly that I continued in that manner.

VeryTired wrote: »

I can't remember the last time I ended a relationship It's always the other way around.

I wonder why you would bend over backwards for somebody, while thinking it was foolish? But more pertinently, I think the phrasing of what I have bolded says a lot, perhaps more than you realise. WHY did/do you want things to work out SO badly?

And the fact the you are never the one to end the relationship is striking. I have friends whose company I enjoy, but I don't think I'd consider any of them suitable as life partners for me. Maybe I'm overly fussy, but while I do believe that there is of course more than one person who could make me happy for the rest of my life, I've never been in a situation where I've dated multiple people consecutively who I wanted a relationship with and who all ended things on me - it would have been apparent to me, at least some of the time, that no, this person is not for me.

I suppose the point I'm perhaps clumsily trying to make is that I get the sense that you are just so glad to have a man, any man, that you stay with them until they decide that you're not the one for them. I think that if you haven't met anyone in X number of dates/relationships that you didn't want to end things with, then you've either been incredibly lucky, or, maybe your bar set a little lower than it should be. Did you perhaps have a lonely childhood, and now are craving companionship? Do you need to be more discerning in your choice of boyfriend? Would you feel a sense of "taking control back" if you were to date somebody, and end it with them on your terms (assuming you had legitimately decided that they were not the one for you)?

Dating can be fun. Dating should be fun. But it's also serious. Depending on where you are in life, it can be a very high-stakes game of cards - you're potentially vetting somebody to be a life partner. And it's awful when things go wrong, and you're looking at possibly splitting up a family, if children have come along, and there's no hope of continuing the relationship. So lots of people take it quite seriously, and it wouldn't be unusual IME, even though things may have started very well, for someone to decide after 6/8/10/however many weeks/months, as they get to know the other person better, that that's not a person they want to spend the rest of their lives with.

VeryTired wrote: »

My current experience is compounded by the fact that it has happened so many times before. Now I do have deep issues regarding loss and rejection which are added to the mix.

VeryTired wrote: »

I just don't know how to figure this one out. How to stop the longing and the constant wondering if it's me, if I'm flawed in some way.

Of course, your issues around loss/rejection merely serve to accentuate the loss you're feeling at the moment. It can be hard, figuring things out, particularly around our own behaviour, although you seem quite self-aware. Sometimes, it's actually easy to figure things out, but.... maybe we don't want to. Maybe the truth is so painful, that we avoid it, even if it's staring us right in the face. "Why did that person cheat on me?" "That person cheated on you, because you didn't matter enough to them not to cheat." I have wondered in the past WHY wasn't I enough, but that's ultimately a futile question - I simply wasn't enough. I wasn't the right person for that person to be with. It happens.

As for whether or not you're flawed, I have news for you - we're ALL flawed Each and every one of us, to lesser or greater degrees, is flawed. Anyone you may think is perfect - they're flawed. Unless you can identify major flaws that are impacting significantly on your life, I wouldn't beat myself up too much over "flaws".

I know I've asked you a lot of questions there, but I have done so without any real expectation of you answering them publicly - they're really just questions for you to consider, if you haven't done so before. I hope that you find some resolution to this before long, and that you go on to enjoy a happy, content, fulfilled life.

Best of luck, OP x

LegacyUser

Hi Itcangetbetter,

There is something about your words that have touched me enough to make my eyes well up. I'm all stirred around inside. Reading your perspective has caused me to ask myself some difficult questions. The relationship I was in this time last year should have been ended by me. I had doubts, I sensed a growing incompatibility, there were things I simply wasn't happy with. Yet what kept me there was him telling me that he loved me, that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.

The most recent break up also began with me having some doubts. There were only little things but because it was early days and I did really like him I was willing to put them to one side. The thing is I know in my heart that if we continued to see each other and I continued to wonder then I would remain with him. My value seems to be dependent upon a man's love. Damn, it's hard for me to write that, to acknowledge it.

I'm a great woman for advising people, for telling them they must find these things within themselves, yet here I am. That woman who is so desperate to be wanted and to be chosen that she will take whoever comes along. It's a little like this, "if you love me, if you pick me, then it means I am good enough".

All other areas of my life are really great. My family and friends are wonderful, I have a great social life, My education is something I am very proud of, My job is one I've wanted for so long. It is time for me to look at my issues around relationships now. I have been pretending for too long.

LegacyUser

VeryTired wrote: »

I'm a great woman for advising people, for telling them they must find these things within themselves, yet here I am. That woman who is so desperate to be wanted and to be chosen that she will take whoever comes along. It's a little like this, "if you love me, if you pick me, then it means I am good enough".

I think this is all good stuff OP. I know its painful but its better to face pain and to grow from it than to run away and bury your head in the sand, meanwhile you keep repeating over and over the same patterns, which ultimately cause you great distress long term.
My situation is not the exact same as yours, but its similar enough for me to know exactly how you feel and what you're going through. Im smack in the middle of finally dealing with this and its not nothing, let me tell you. Its not something to be dismissed or avoided, you have to face it head on, at its most painful. You said you do love yourself, but Id have to challenge that belief because people who love themselves dont do what your doing with regards to relationships. I know thats hard to hear, but its better you're acknowledge it now and deal with it rather than continue the way you've been going using a faulty assumption. Theres nothing wrong with you by the way, the only thing wrong is thinking that theres something wrong. That if only you could say the right thing or act the right way, then you'd find someone who wouldnt leave you. But thats simply not true. You have no control over how other people feel about you, you can only be yourself and if something doesnt work out then so be it. Its not because you said the wrong thing or acted the wrong way.
A concept I have found really powerful and eye opening in my own experience was the belief that we are already born complete. That your value and worth is a given. Theres nothing you can do that can take away from or add to your human worth. Which means theres nothing anyone else can do or say that can take away from you and your worth. And that is the truth. If you look inside your heart you can feel that this is irrefutable. But something happens to some people in their lives where they start to lose sight of this and start to think that they're not worthwhile. I think your greatest challenge here Op is to face all of this and create a relationship with yourself thats bullet proof. That you can get yourself to the point where you feel so secure inside that you genuinely are happy out of a relationship. Someone once said that before we're re-born our souls get a choice: Go back to life and take on the task of finally resolving whatever was leftover from a previous life or dont go back at all. Kind of like a volunteer mission, knowing full well what you're getting into. So maybe your job was to come into this life and have to deal with this because maybe its been going on for longer than you think and this is your chance to finally break the cycle.
I think you should stay away from getting into anything with anyone right now. Feel the loneliness and everything that comes with it because this is part of the healing process. Create a relationship with just you. I honestly think you'll be ok, that you'll figure this out and you'll heal whatever needs to be healed and have a great life. Your situation right now does not define you, its just a step.

LegacyUser

I am in a much better place than I was last week. I know I have a bit of a journey to go on now. It's funny because after my relationship ended a year ago the idea of getting involved with anyone else made me feel terrified. My intuition told me to leave it. Of course I threw myself back in to the dating game.

When I told my best friend that I was once again taking the tentative steps in a new relationship she, in her blunt yet loving way, told me it was a mistake. She believed like I do deep down that I need to take time now to be alone and to truly love myself.

Thanks to those who posted but in particular 54321 and itcangetbetter x

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