Can you end on bad terms but not carry resentment

LegacyUser

This is a long story.

Long term relationship. He did something horrible to me, betrayed me. I did something bad in return (but by most logical peoples rational not nearly as bad as what he did and it was a reaction to finding out what he had been doing).

Anyway, bridges are burned, harsh words were spoken and I don't think either of us will ever be able to forgive each other. Merely (from my side) because of self-respect. He's just stubborn.

Although I want to move on it's bugging me that he now seemingly hates me (something I also expressed to him) and as much as things went bad and it was right to leave it go It's really bothering me that he's always going to remember me for this one bad moment of anger when I spent years and years being kind and lovely to him.

What he did was far worse but I miss him, I just know what he's like

PsychoSue

If what he did was so bad that it caused you to act out of character and to do something bad in return in revenge then I think you should be thinking good riddance that it's over.
You say you won't go back out of respect for yourself, well respect yourself right now and forget about what he thinks of you. He obviously thought very little of you to do what he did in the first place, what harm is it to now have him hate you. Yes you loved him but he hurt you, disrespected you and betrayed you so start working on YOU and helping yourself get past this and moving on. He is not your concern anymore, just look after yourself.
He may get over it in time he may not but it's not your problem anymore. He set the wheels in motion so he now has to deal with the consequences.

Matteroffact

He did a bad thing on you and you did a bad thing on him, so now you are quits. Why would he think any the less of you after what he did to you. There is a pair of you in it.

LegacyUser

Thanks yea I know.

I had been doing great moving on but for some reason it seems to keep haunting me that he thinks I'm a bad person. What he did was inexcusable, manipulative, horrible, pretty vile. What I did was telling people about it, as in, I just freaked out and saw red. I didn't humiliate him or tell anyone of importance I just got him in a bit of personal trouble. I was so angry and he was so apologetic until I did that. Then we just had a huge row where he said mean and nasty things and we've left it at that

Ursus Horribilis

Maybe this is bothering you because part of you wants to get back with him. It's this which is the hook that's stopping you from moving on.

Matteroffact

Give it time, it will all look less important as time goes on and then the real truth will out, i.e. whether you two are made for one another or not.

R.D. aka MR.D

Odus fell down wrote: »

Maybe this is bothering you because part of you wants to get back with him. It's this which is the hook that's stopping you from moving on.

Have to agree. He's not in your life anymore. What he thinks of you should be no more important than what a stranger on the street thinks of you.

Move on.

Shrap

I'm of the opinion that the OP is having more trouble dealing with the feeling that someone actually hates her. That's never a comfortable feeling and no matter who it is (whether an ex or an ex-friend, or someone who's toes you stood on in some way), when you feel that their anger is unjustified, there is of course an urge to try and make it right and a wish that they didn't feel that way about you.

It takes a bit of getting used to the notion that in life not everyone is going to like you, and that some people might have altogether the wrong idea of who you are/your intentions and might attribute all sorts of things to you that you wouldn't agree with. OP, I think you'll just have to suck it up. Walk on with your head high and tell yourself it's his problem every time you start to dwell on the hate feelings that this guy has for you. Such is life, I'm afraid. I imagine not many people get through their whole lives without at least one person having an irrational hatred for them.

DukeOfTheSharp

Honestly this is a situation where your best bet is to move on. I've dealt with this before, I've lived it. When someone does wrong, and they're then called out for it and respond by getting irrationally angry, you're dealing with someone who is emotionally immature and unstable. Let him hate you, all it says is that when push came to shove, he wasn't mature enough to handle the consequences of his actions. Try not to think about it and continue on with your life, it's not worth concerning yourself over.

LegacyUser

Look, he hates you because he has to. He has to hate you to deflect from whatever it was that he did to you in the first place. You are remorseful because what you did was out of character for you. When a person does something very out of character it takes them a lot longer to get over it than other people imagine.

Some people can never be at fault. My friend left her alcoholic, gambling, abusive husband after 12 years He has told her their marriage breakdown is all her fault for various reasons. 1 - She "let" him do all that stuff. 2 - She never "gave him a warning", despite leaving him a number of times before finally having enough. 3 - She walked out on their marriage, so it's her fault it's over, not his fault for anything he did. He has actually told her he has done nothing wrong!!

She has just had to accept that as far as he's concerned it's all her fault. There is no reasoning with someone like that, and she's learned to just not argue back. Unfortunately she still has to have contact with him. You are lucky enough that you don't have to put yourself through trying to reason with someone whose pride is probably hurt and doesn't want to believe anything but their own version.

Matteroffact

I think when you fancy someone strongly enough you take the blame for whatever they do to you, because that way you think you have control over the situation and it is up to you to get things back on track again so you keep on trying to get what you want. This is not how the person on the receiving end sees it. So the way I would see it is that your b/f doesn't fancy you enough to take the blame here so you are better off moving on. What is done cannot be undone, so if he is not prepared to take at least some of the blame here then it goes to show how he feels about you. You won't change his mind but the more you beg for forgiveness the more he will alienate you, because this makes him feel better. So get as far away from him as possible and he might rethink things.