Not sure what to do about father issues

LegacyUser

Hi all.
My father usually lives and works abroad. He is almost seventy and has recently been diagnosed with a very treatable form of cancer. His prognosis is good and he starts treatment in late January. Over the years we have had a very fractured relationship. I was afraid of him as a child, I just never liked him growing up. This mended somewhat in my teenage years, but near my 20's it became fractured again. He had a horrible temper and actually punched me in the face once when I gave him cheek. Another time he completely lost it when I didn't immediately get him the phone book when he asked for it. We didn't talk for a few months after this, he'd be over and back for work and somehow for the peace of the household we would manage to move on from these issues. My sisters don't care for him much either, but my brother loves him. He's the only boy and has always been his favourite; this doesn't bother me. So now, well he has been home this Christmas and I picked him up from the airport, he criticised my driving the whole way home. My mother is also sick and is incapacitated somewhat but this doesn't stop him shouting "X do this for me, make me this to eat", whenever he feels like it. I always say "do it youself you're well able", but his temper is so unpredictable sometimes im half afraid to say anything. This has seriously angered me. He is far more able bodied than her yet he can't even make himself a sandwich or wash his shirts. If he wants to talk to you he shouts at you to come to him while he's lying on the sofa and if you say "hang on im doing something" he'll keep shouting for you to come or he will get mad.

He claims to love my mother and he is good with money in that he always helps her out , this all comes out when he's drunk ( he also has massive issues with alcohol). My mother tolerates him but they don't have a relationship. He has just irritated me so much this Christmas, he put on a fire for us today when we got back from town and he thought he was great and didn't shut up about it for about an hour.
So, now I'm left with this horrible guilty feeling that I'm an awful person for feeling this way about him. He is a sick man himself, starting treatment in a different country to here in January and today I started crying because he will be going through it alone. All of this while having an almost insatiable hate for the man. I'm so conflicted and don't know what to feel. As it stands now I am not speaking to him, it's better this way. He leaves for work on Friday and I won't see him again until after his treatment, what should I say to him?

Senna

If you are conflicted then it might be best to swallow your true feelings and be sincere with a "thinking of you" "hope the treatment goes ok" etc talk before he goes.

The only reason I'd take this attitude is he's not going to be around for ever and although it sounds like you owe him nothing, nice words to him at this stage could give you more comfort than it will for him.

LegacyUser

Thanks. I forgot to add that I'm female in my initial post, which is why him hitting me is almost harder to forgive. I don't think I would be able to muster the words "thinking of you", I think "best of luck with your treatment" is all I could manage, and that makes me feel cold and heartless. He asked for my car today to visit some relatives, I obliged but moreso to get him out of the house for a few hours.

jimmycrackcorm

conflicted2016 wrote:

I picked him up from the airport, he criticised my driving the whole way home.

He's a bully and the only effective way to deal with a bully is to stand up to them. You could have stopped the car and said if you're not happy about my driving then get out and call a taxi home.

But I'm guessing you're living at home which means you're a little bit imprisoned and effectively there's nothing you can do. No amount of placating or trying to change who you are will make you the same as your brother.