My Friends Ex

Buzz Buzz

I wonder could I get some advice.

I hooked up with friends ex who he finished dating 11 years ago.

Myself and my friend are both 32 and have known each other since our school days although went to different schools and colleagues through the years and moved away to different countries, however still kept in contact on and off, but more frequently in the last few years.

The ex-girlfriend in question became a mutual friend of myself and my friend after we all spent a couple of J1's together in around 2004. However after the last J1 we did, my friend ended up dating this girl for about 18 months, this was not apparently very public knowledge, and given I was in a separate college in a different city this wouldn't have been knowledge to me.

My friend is generally of a secretive nature and likes to keep his own business to himself for the most part, which is fine, but it's because of this I did not know he had a full blown relationship with this girl. I did hear and know they had hooked up on a couple of occasions however, as we were all part of a similar social circle.

So in February just passed my friends ex happened to be visiting the city I am currently living in, and got in touch to see if I wanted to catch up, to which I agreed. I had not seen or spoken to this girl in about 8/9 years but we were friends on Facebook and since we had done a couple of J1s together back in the day it felt like it would be good craic to catch up for a few drinks.

Long story short, we met, went out, partied hard and I ended up back in her hotel room where we had sex.

A couple of days after I hooked up with her and after many conversations about the 'good old days', it came to light that this girl was properly with my friend for about 18 months like I mentioned, when they were about 20 years old in college together.

Shortly after I found discovered that this was my friends ex I confided in another mutual friend, who is now insisting that I tell our friend that I hooked up with his ex. Although he knows this girl too, he was also unaware that she was dating my friend and assumed that anything they had was a lot more casual also.

I told the friend I confided in that I didn't think this needed to be addressed, and it's probably best just forgotten about since they dated over a decade ago, however after a few drinks last night he brought up the topic again and feels I need to tell our friend. He says he is not comfortable keeping the secret and won't be able to keep it to himself.

I'm not sure if I'm being too casual about this, but in my eyes they dated 11 years ago when we were in college, and although it's transpired that it was a relationship they had, it seemed to be kept fairly hushed up.

Should I make a bigger deal out of this and sit my friend down to talk to him about it or just forget this ever happened and suggest our mutual friend does too?

Edit: Just to clarify, it was a one night thing, nothing happened after that night.

FatherTed

Better to be honest and tell your friend you've been dating his ex. If you continue to date her, eventually he will find out anyway so better to hear it from you.

tampopo

11 years ago, ancient history. Say nothing. Don't worry about it.

kylith

Just say something like 'Hey, you know X? I've been dating her for a while'. He wanted to keep their relationship quiet so don't let on you know.

retro:electro

Be honest. Say she got in touch and ye hooked up and had no idea that they had previously been a serious item until she informed you and now you feel terrible. If it was a decade ago I doubt he will still care.

CaraMay

Why would you tell him or anyone??? Respect her privacy. It's not very honour able to go around telling people you had a one night fling with her. I would be raging if I was the talk of the 'gang'. For her sake, keep private private.

Username here

anna080 wrote: »

Be honest. Say she got in touch and ye hooked up and had no idea that they had previously been a serious item until she informed you and now you feel terrible.

Why would the OP say this? Nothing in his post suggests he feels bad about what happened; on the contrary, he appears to me to want to avoid making a mountain out of a molehill. I suspect he wouldn't even be posting here if the mutual friend wasn't uncomfortable "keeping a secret" :rolleyes:

anna080 wrote: »

If it was a decade ago I doubt he will still care.

This is, or at least should be, a lot closer to hitting the nail on the head. It was over a decade ago, and I genuinely don't understand how this might even be an issue.

retro:electro

Username here wrote: »

Why would the OP say this? Nothing in his post suggests he feels bad about what happened; on the contrary, he appears to me to want to avoid making a mountain out of a molehill. I suspect he wouldn't even be posting here if the mutual friend wasn't uncomfortable "keeping a secret" :rolleyes:



This is, or at least should be, a lot closer to hitting the nail on the head. It was over a decade ago, and I genuinely don't understand how this might even be an issue.

Ya I suppose you're right, I must have misread. However what happens if this girl ever gets in touch with the friend and tells him about herself and the op? The secrecy of it could end up being far more hurtful then the actual act itself. I think I'd be of the same mind as forget about it and say nothing, however the op has another friend who isn't willing to keep it a secret.

suicide_circus

Generally speaking I would keep friends ex's off limits. There are, after all, literally billions of people in the world would friends haven't been with.

Dial Hard

suicide_circus wrote:

Generally speaking I would keep friends ex's off limits. There are, after all, literally billions of people in the world would friends haven't been with.

He didn't know she was an ex because the friend (rather bizarrely, imo) kept the year-and-a-half long relationship a secret at the time.

Seriously, OP, this was a one-night-stand and their relationship is ancient history at this stage. I wouldn't give it another moment's thought and, tbh, your mutual friend's "discomfort" seems very teenage to me. What's it to him?

dee_mc

I wouldn't say anything to him.
You had a one night stand 11 months ago with a girl he secretly dated 10 years ago - it's none of his business!
As for the mutual friend, he sounds like a right little drama queen - if he mentions the situation to you again just reiterate that it's ancient history and nothing to do with him. If he feels like squealing to your friend, let him - you didn't know at the time you slept with this girl that she had previously dated your friend, so you're in the clear, and you're not a bunch of 14 year old girls so you don't have to divulge every bit of contact you have with the other sex to one another.

ziedth

The only person in this scenario who is in the wrong is your little drama queen of a friend. "Won't be able to keep it to himself" what an absolute wagon.

Even if you had known they were together I'd argue that a college relationship 11 years ago isn't enough to put you off meeting up with this girl on a once off which you both seemed happy with. The fact that your friend obviously went out of his way to keep it a secret you shouldn't give it a second thought.

Tell your other mate to Piss off if he brings it up again.

Augme

Dial Hard wrote: »

Seriously, OP, this was a one-night-stand and their relationship is ancient history at this stage. I wouldn't give it another moment's thought and, tbh, your mutual friend's "discomfort" seems very teenage to me. What's it to him?

He's probably just pissed off that he's been included in the deception of their friend. I don't really blame him either.

Dial Hard

Augme wrote:

He's probably just pissed off that he's been included in the deception of their friend. I don't really blame him either.

Sorry, what "deception"? The couple in question broke up over a decade ago and the OP had a one night stand with the girl almost a year ago. We're not talking Jeremy Kyle levels of crossover here.

Augme

Dial Hard wrote: »

Sorry, what "deception"? The couple in question broke up over a decade ago and the OP had a one night stand with the girl almost a year ago. We're not talking Jeremy Kyle levels of crossover here.

The deception of keeping it a secret from his friend and basically forcing the other friend to do the same. If it's no big deal then he shouldn't have any problem with saying it to the friend.

Neyite

The mutual friend is a drama queen. While it's ok to be considerate of a friends residual feelings for an ex after they break up, you don't get dibs on a person for life, no matter what the relationship. That's a ridiculous concept.

I went out with a friends ex once. It was her first big love so naturally I did check with my friend - if she was uncomfortable with the idea, I don't think my feelings for him were strong enough at that point to pursue it. But she was grand with it and we went on to have a pretty serious relationship. I didn't need her permission to go out with him, but her friendship was important enough to me to be considerate.

Dial Hard

Augme wrote:

The deception of keeping it a secret from his friend and basically forcing the other friend to do the same. If it's no big deal then he shouldn't have any problem with saying it to the friend.

We have very differing definitions of deveption, so. If the friend asks, then yeah, the OP should be honest with him. But sitting him down to do a big reveal that he slept with an ex from over a decade ago, once, more than a year ago, would actually be making a big deal where there is none.

Augme

Dial Hard wrote: »

We have very differing definitions of deveption, so. If the friend asks, then yeah, the OP should be honest with him. But sitting him down to do a big reveal that he slept with an ex from over a decade ago, once, more than a year ago, would actually be making a big deal where there is none.

We obviously do. I don't think the OP has to do a big reveal, he just needs to let the mutual friend mention it to him. By trying to silence the mutual friend it seems quite deceptive and dishonest and also is putting that friend is a really ****ty position.

Dial Hard

Augme wrote:

By trying to silence the mutual friend it seems quite deceptive and dishonest and also is putting that friend is a really ****ty position.

He's not "trying to silence" the mutual friend, he's asking for opinions on whether the friend has a point. My opinion is that he doesn't, and is actually the one putting the OP in a shi*ty position by making unnecessary drama out of what's really a whole lot of nothing.

I honestly can't get my head around why the mutual friend is getting his knickers in such a twist over this. It's secondary school stuff.

dissed doc

Why on earth would you tell anyone? Keep your and her private life and late-night hotel hook-ups private!

Augme

Dial Hard wrote: »

He's not "trying to silence" the mutual friend, he's asking for opinions on whether the friend has a point. My opinion is that he doesn't, and is actually the one putting the OP in a shi*ty position by making unnecessary drama out of what's really a whole lot of nothing.

I honestly can't get my head around why the mutual friend is getting his knickers in such a twist over this. It's secondary school stuff.

This seems like a pretty clear case of trying to silence the friend.

Buzz Buzz wrote: »

Should I make a bigger deal out of this and sit my friend down to talk to him about it or just forget this ever happened and suggest our mutual friend does too?

SteM

OP, your friend never told you be dated the girl for 18 months many years ago. I don't see why you need tell him that you happened to hook up with her for 1 night. As far as he's concerned you still don't know about their relationship.

OU812

FFS, thought his was something that happened last week (both parts).

It's nobody's business but yours who you slept with. They broke up over a decade ago, why would you say anything?

Nobody has any business here apart from you & the girl.