Breaking old patterns

LegacyUser

I have had my fair share of bad relationships. I'd like to be in a happy, healthy, relationship. But am very guarded, unless the right type of guy comes along (per below). For want of a better expression, its all arse ways.

I've come to realise and acknowledge now, that in fact most of the responsibility for choosing or going for the wrong type of men lies at my feet.

And Im not sure what to do about it-or if anyone has gone through something themselves.

I tend to be attracted to guys who are damaged, in some ways, or just plain unavailable. It is very subconscious (although as per above my conscious has now caught up). I can spot them a mile off. And what I try do then is try to help them/better them. And in fairlyland in my head, we then live a happy life.

It all got a bit too much the other night, when a guy I fancy started to talk about some stuff, and of course I "had" to make him see sense. I went too deep. It just made me stand back a little and go "woah....what the hell am I doing". What is the pay-off (to me)?

Its so ingrained in me now (and I don't even know where it comes from) but I want to change it. I need to change this pattern (and because am a thinker, I need to understand why).

Does anyone understand where I am coming from? Am quite confused....

dudara

I don't think you need to understand why this happens. What's more important is that you change this pattern. Now that you recognise it you can take steps to change. I don't think there's a huge benefit by being too introspective at times

LegacyUser

Do the men you have seen before in these previous bad relationships possess traits that are similar to a caregiver or parental figure you had when you were a child?

via4

You seem like a really caring person and that's great in today's world. But well done for realising what you are doing. No matter how much we try and help people ultimately it is only the person themselves that are responsible for their own issues. No harm in trying to help them but you realised you may have gone a little too far as you said it is all about changing your pattern for sure it's not easy but it can be done. I hear ya on the bad relationships and emotionally unavailable guys. I myself was seeing a guy there for the past while but it turns out we are not compatible and want different things ( he is a divorcee with children and I am only 28 and only starting out dating really). He is happy to continue meeting but wants no commitment at all which is totally fine but I no in the best I would have just kept meeting up knowing it was going nowhere and putting my own needs aside to please the guy. I ended things as I decided to put my own needs first and concentrate on
Meeting someone that does want commitment. I have to say its a great feeling changing my old ways! I hope hearing my example can help you on some way! I wish I could help more but by the sounds of things you are on the right track with your mind set and the way you can see a mile off now that is fantastic to have that hindsight it will save you a lot of time and heartache I think good luck

Dughorm

BreakingOldPatterns wrote: »

It all got a bit too much the other night, when a guy I fancy started to talk about some stuff, and of course I "had" to make him see sense. I went too deep. It just made me stand back a little and go "woah....what the hell am I doing". What is the pay-off (to me)?

Its so ingrained in me now (and I don't even know where it comes from) but I want to change it. I need to change this pattern (and because am a thinker, I need to understand why).

Does anyone understand where I am coming from? Am quite confused....

The fact that you are spotting it and want to change things is the most important step. So I have no doubt you will change the pattern, you're starting already!

Next time you meet someone, why not make a promise to yourself to keep it light - see by the way the guy is talking whether he is really looking for a girlfriend or a counsellor.

Rubberchikken

i think you're going in the right direction towards sorting this.
you recognised you were doing it and pulled yourself up on it. great first step.
now try to get the support you need to break this once and for all.

you sound like a good person and i think good people all have a little part of them inside where they feel they can help/fix others. it's natural but it can get out of hand i guess. with help you'll be well on the way to a happy equal relationship.

good luck

LegacyUser

Op, read "are you the one for me" by Barbara DeAngelis. It's about the choices we make when choosing partners. You can get it on the book depository for less than a tenner