I wonder what you would do ?

MPFGLB

Here is the issue (sorry if its a bit long)

My friend is the in her 40's and divorced. She comes from a troubled background and other members of her family have not had the happiest life due in some part to their upbringing in Ireland. Her father was a tyrant, a gambler and was emotionally , physically and verbally very cruel to her and her siblings. As a result she has not been close to her siblings . This was particularly so for one of her brothers who is just like her father. This brother has never worked a day in his life, living off social welfare, gambling, and his wits. One of the reason she was not very close to him is because he can also be very overbearing, jealous and aggressive. .At various stage in their lives many members of the extended family have put him up, bailed him out (when he wrote bad cheques, etc), gotten him jobs (which he promptly lost) He is a compulsive gambler and has taken money from other members of the family down the years including her. One of the worst issues is that when her other brothers or sisters have put him up in Ireland on holiday he has abused their hospitality by having no respect for their home , by taking stuff from their houses etc. Before he mother passed away he had her running around after him and cooking and cleaning up after him (though she was ill) when he visited without any thanks and as it was his right just as his father did.

Anyway it transpires now that he is very sick . He has no home and lives in a hostel. he had a flat for a long period paid for my rent allowance but when the landlord took the property back to redevelop he was given compensation but went on holidays with the money. She also lives in London and has worked hard to buy her flat and get her doctorate. As she is not close to her family she has had to deal with alot of issues without support of any sort. She has battled on her own and is very independent with a great career, friends, etc. Her other brother from Ireland has rung her up with the news of the wayward brother, who will need support as he has a potentially terminal condition that requires alot of treatment.

The family in Ireland she feels are expecting her to support him and even put him up, nurse him,etc...She does not want to. She has seen him about 5 times in the last 20 years and he has never had a nice word for her. As she has no children and her siblings in Ireland have she feels they are expecting her to tow the line and support him. Her mother towed the line with her father and nursed him for the last 10 years of his life through lots of illness including cancer. But she says why should she ? But on the other hand can she leave him to it when he has no one ...Also her family in Ireland won't be too happy if she doesn't and she does visit them ,etc ..

She is very upset and rang me crying yesterday. She is fearful if he moves in he will never move out as he has no where to go. she also knows she cannot live with him sick of not as he will after a certain time expect his life to be accommodated She is also afraid that just like her father (and some others in the family) he will expect to be looked after ...

But when she has made up her mind to leave it she is racked with guilt of him not having anyone to support him through an terrible illness. Whatever she does it looks like a no win situation

athtrasna

They say blood is thicker than water but in reality blood connects us to some people we would never be friends with under other circumstances.

In my opinion your friend should look after herself. There are state supports and charities to look after the sick. Your friend has shouldered the burden for long enough. Time to start living her life for herself.

strandroad

She should not accept any sole responsibility. The siblings may get together and discuss if they want to support him and how; she can then accept an equal share.

orthsquel

I can only assume that none of the other siblings want to look after him either, given he has abused and taken advantage of them in the past. And probably wouldn't want their kids around them either. But she shouldn't be saddled with the burden of looking after him. She should out rightly refuse the sole responsibility of him and taking him in. Siblings should get together and discuss how they can collectively support him such as access to hospice care or medical support, rather than forcing any one of them to take him on alone and to assume a care or nursing role.

She has nothing to feel guilty about imo, or feel sorry for him. She doesn't owe it to her brother or to her other siblings to sacrifice all she has just to keep others happy and to save them the trouble. If she is expected to tow the line, then where does that stop? Would the same expectations be put upon her sibling's children to look after a tyrant like that if they were adults? Just because your friend's mother looked after her husband who was a bastard to everyone that doesn't mean everyone else including 2 generations later should be expect to do the same for a similar type of person. Especially when there are other options.

Milly33

I would say to your friend to look atfter herself and let her brother deal with his own problems. It sounds like if she leaves him in he will only destroy what she has built for herself and she will take a step backwards.. In saying that for you as a friend you should maybe make sure she knows you are there to contact if like that she feels guilty over it..

I kinda would have seen things or been close to people who one like the brother was spoilt rotten and got a lot, then got sick due to drinking and all else that goes, the family done all they could for him and he treated them like crap...

My own brother to be honest, to me while i love him to bits he has done a lot of things and put the family trough a lot of crap and while I love him as my brother if he asked me for help i would close the door or just tell him no...

Matteroffact

This is too big of a responsibility for your friend to take on. It would be an all consuming job. There is no way she would have the time for this at this stage of her life. So the whole family need to go back to the drawing board and decide between them what they should do and each person faces the responsibility of their sick brother. She just has to tell the rest of her family straight out that she would not be able to take on this responsibility and should not be expected to do so. She needs to speak up and get it said before they guilt her any further.

MPFGLB

Thanks for your replies people

For me there seems to be 2 things at play here

1. Alot of pressure falls on women (especially single women no matter their career) to be the carer in a family. This has not really changed

If she is expected to tow the line, then where does that stop? Would the same expectations be put upon her sibling's children to look after a tyrant like that if they were adults? Just because your friend's mother looked after her husband who was a bastard to everyone that doesn't mean everyone else including 2 generations later should be expect to do the same for a similar type of person. Especially when there are other options.

2. As indicated above families have a pattern of behaving that follows generations..Learned behaviours where members interact with each other in a way that can be unique and at times incomprehensible to people outside. My friend is finding it hard to go against learned ways of doing things.

In theory the siblings will not be able to give as much as they live in Ireland and both she and her sick brother live in London ...This puts add pressure on her...But I have passed on your comments ...Thanks

Ursus Horribilis

Yes you are right about women and the role of a carer. You can see this coming through in your friend. Logically, there is no reason whatsoever why she should be the one who stands to lose everything. Yet she has this guilt. I really hope your friend stands her ground and doesn't come home. She has done so well for herself after her tough start in life and it would be so wrong if she threw that all away out of guilt. She is obviously a kind person and a caring person. Usually that's a good trait in a person but in her case it could be her downfall.

What I've also noticed is that once the caring arrangements have been sorted, other family members often step right back and do the bare minimum. This is exactly what's going to happen here. Your friend's family do not value her achievements in life but see her as the single female patsy who can come do their dirty work for them. You can bet your bottom dollar that if someone asked other members of the family to look after this man, they'd come up with a long list of reasons. Why should your friend's reasons be any less valid than theirs?

There are other options available for looking after this man and they should be investigated. The family are taking the lazy way out here. I hope she finds the strength to tell them that she's not in a position to help and doesn't crack.

nikkibikki

It's probably a very harsh attitude I have but he made his own bed here. He treated everyone like crap, he deserves to be alone. But that's easier said than done with family. Put him in a nursing home. All siblings can split the costs and visit him for an hour every Sunday. Or insists he moves to Ireland as he'll have more support there.

whatdoicare

Your poor friend, I think the brother should be told if he wants looking after he needs to move back to Ireland or into a respite centre where the responsibility of looking after him can be split evenly and not lumped 100% on your friend. Your friend can offer to pay her share for the centre if she feels guilty but no more than that.

Whatever she does she should not let him into her home, if she does that she'll be looking after the brother full time and the rest of the family will magically become very hard to contact.

I'm afraid she'll have to put her foot down now about it all before the decision is made for her - it'd be very, very, handy for the rest of the family to lump him on her and forget about it all until the funeral. Happens all the time.

Then all of a sudden your friend has given up her career and life to mind the brother for zero thanks and now he's dead but that might be ten or twenty years down the line, she's the burden with health problems of her own, a huge career gap, no job and very little money. Watch how quick they all race to take her on - NOT. It'll be all - "Oh I can't take you on! Little Johnny needs money for college and Susie just had a baby and she needs us to help look after it and Martha is getting married in Spain next year and anyway we have no room for you!" There'll be no guilt making anyone do anything then!