Alone and hurt at christmas

LegacyUser

Hi. I have a little boy, I split with his dad about 2 years ago due to domestic violence. I have been going out with a man for about 8 months, and as he hasn't informed his parents I have a child, he went home for christmas, they wanted me to come, but he told them I was at a friends. He doesn't want to spend christmas here as my son is with me tomorrow.

I feel very lonely, I have no family, no friends really, no one asked me to spend christmas with them. My son is young so I feel as though I am on my own.

I got him something he really wanted for christmas and wrote a beautiful piece of writing for him, in return he left buying me a present until the last minute and put no thought into it. It makes me feel very hurt and unloved.

I also had to pretend some of the presents I got for my son were from him, as he had got nothing.

I love him very much, however I feel that if he loved me he wouldn't have left me to be on my own on christmas day, would have told his parents about my son and put more thought into my present. I am not materialisitc, I would have been happy with a letter or something to show he cared. On the other hand, I am wondering if I am expecting too much, or being overemotional as this is not a great time of year for me anyway.

I am very upset, and I don't have anyone to talk to. I am dreading tomorrow.

Thanks for reading.

intheclouds

I hope you are having a lovely day with your son.

My advice to you would be to look at 2016 and see it as the year to widen your social circle and focus on friendships and on becoming a part of groups where you get to spend time with other women and their children.

Christmas is a very difficult lonely time for lots of people.

On your partner, 8 months and hiding the fact you have a child suggests immaturity to me. It's disrespectful to you and to your son. You can do a lot better than someone who is ashamed to be honest about who you are and who is happy to leave you alone for Xmas rather than tell the truth. Your son deserves better than that too.

Today is just another day, have a good day with your son and think about loving yourself more in the new year. Love yourself and surround yourself with good people who will support you, not with fools who belittle you.

Tell me how

anon 29 wrote:

Hi. I have a little boy, I split with his dad about 2 years ago due to domestic violence. I have been going out with a man for about 8 months, and as he hasn't informed his parents I have a child, he went home for christmas, they wanted me to come, but he told them I was at a friends. He doesn't want to spend christmas here as my son is with me tomorrow.

Hi. Anon29. I'm sorry you have to spend Christmas in this way.

It's such a tough time for a lot of people because of the perceived pressure to be happy and the reality that life can be difficult.

I suggest you try to make today special for your son. I think that may help you get through the day also.
Ye could prepare meals together, watch a movie, play a game. It doesn't have to be dramatic.

You made a brave decision to leave your ex 2 years ago. It might not be perfect now but it's closer than it was then.
If your current partner doesn't respect you then he doesn't deserve you either.

Keep going. You'll get there.

Frogscotch

You are not expecting too much. You and your son are worth more than this. There are good people out there, potential friends and partners who will accept that you and your son are a package deal. Don't accept anything less. I hope you both have a lovely Christmas and the next year brings you some peace and happiness.

Log9

First of all just to wish you Merry Christmas and I hope you've a great few days with your son. You're not alone, you've got each other and you should focus on having a fantastic Xmas regardless of anything else!

Your partner definitely sounds very immature and frankly cowardly, that's no way to treat anyone.

As upsetting as it might be, that absolutely isn't how most people think and I would honestly look at starting afresh in the new year!

Many of us have to deal with conservative parents and families and we don't exactly comply to the model of fake 1950s holier than thou Ireland either. Having a kid isn't and shouldn't be any issue really. If it is, he needs to stand up for you not just hide! You can't describe yourself as someone's partner unless you're proud to be openly so and stand beside them.

You deserve better than this! Don't let it spoil Xmas tho! Have fun and remember 2016 could be a new start!

Pawwed Rig

Just try to enjoy today for the sake of your child at least. Take loads of photos and build up the family traditions, eat, watch movies together etc. I would be having a serious conversation with the bf when he gets back. He does not seem to get the fact that you are part of a package. This has to change.

Jenneke87

Merry Christmas to you and your son and I'm sorry that you're feeling so low. Your partner sounds like he is ashamed of the fact that you have a child and oh what will other people think. Your partner is supposed to be your biggest fan, the one who adores you and your son, not hiding you away as though you have a contagious disease. You might want to take some time to decide if this is someone you want to keep.....

Go out and have a lovely day with your son. I wish you all the best for 2016.

banoffe2

Thinking of you Anon it is a dark place to be but this will pass, you had the intelligence and strength to get yourself out of a violent and unhealthy relationship, well done, that took tremendous courage and you broke that abusive cycle as you know you deserve the very best for you and your son.

I can identify some of your post, in getting out of a very emotionally abusive relationship with a man who had a lot of power in his position and how hard it was to get out, I kept taking him back for years without as much as an apology, as I was so lonely and fearful that I couldn't cope on my own with 4 kids,. To the outside World we had it all but inside it was like a mad house trying to exist from one crisis to the next, noting changed so with professional help I learned that I would never go back to that space again and I have stuck to my word despite him asking to come back a few times. ( that was a good moment!) In the meantime I have built a very good life for myself and to be honest I cant believe what I could achieve without him and all that negative energy and abuse.

Regarding the new relationship I can kind of relate to it, I was in an on off relationship with a man for 8 years hard to admit but all was on his terms and conditions, I knew we could have a lovely companionship and we really enjoyed being with each other and had some things in common. This man live alone with his mother on a farm, little experience of relationships despite being out there for a lot longer than I was, all our meetings were a secret to him and in my house which was like a 5 star hotel for him, he loved all the benefits, the welcome, the company etc , he was great to look for emotional support but no good to give it, if I disagreed or had an opinion I would get silent treatment, if I tried to talk and reason things out in the most polite manner he would put all the responsibility back on me and then I would get the silent treatment for months, then out of the blue he would either phone me or we would bump into each other and I would be expected to behave as is nothing happened, I could see the manipulation and mind games all over again, it took me a while to wake up to it I suppose I can justify it by the fact that I was lonely and vulnerable and that feeling of being held was like magic. He told me his mother would drop dead if she knew he was going out with a married woman even though I got divorced while I seeing him but not for him, his family never knew I existed, he believe that he was a very good living person, and almost convinced me too! If we met out he expected me to behave as though we were just acquaintances, he was very convincing saying that is our business and no one else's. Long story short it took me along time to learn but I have let him go, if someone is not man enough to stand beside you they don't deserve you and are not worthy of you. I found it very hard to admit that I got it wrong again, and only wanted to see the good side of this person, but overall he brought me little joy and lots of pain.

Be on good terms with yourself, you have made great progress, it is normal to be lonely but this will pass, try not to give this new man any space in your head as it will only wreck your mind and spoil your day, he doesn't deserve you, don't isolate yourself, new year new start, you can do this, upwards and onwards XX big hug to you!

Lisha

O p I just wanted to say happy Christmas to you and your son. I really hope 2016 will be a great year for you.

Only you can decide if this relationship is good for you and if it's not then you know what to do.

You did such a wonderful thing for your son and yourself when you left the abusive relationship. You recueved some great advice above about rebuilding your circle of friends and
Building a life for yourself.
Please see what you can do.

I hope you will have a great 2016

LegacyUser

I was struck by your letter heading. I am sorry that you experienced such a Christmas. I know you said you love him and he might be a very good man but love is a two way venture and may I suggest in your personal circumstances an additional trio relationship. Your gut feeling is very important and not to be ignored. Do you feel really loved by this man? I suggest that you tell him your own feelings. If you are not sure try to move on. I know that is easier than said but think of the heartache and worry wondering if he loves you as much as you feel for him and you know it's not the same. The early parts of a relationship are the most exciting and if you have doubts now may I suggest to cut your losses. You have a son you love and there is someone out there who will love you for who you are and you will feel that in your heart. Sorry I can be more positive but sitting in a sandwich bar writing this after an awful Christmas with my partner wants to say to you don't run the risk. Follow what your heart is really saying

limnam

intheclouds wrote: »

On your partner, 8 months and hiding the fact you have a child suggests immaturity to me. It's disrespectful to you and to your son. You can do a lot better than someone who is ashamed to be honest about who you are and who is happy to leave you alone for Xmas rather than tell the truth. Your son deserves better than that too.

You have caused me to reflect on a fine story recently told by the legend Marty Whelan. A man, not a doctor who always wore a stethoscope around his neck. When asked why he wore it; Replied "in-case of an emergency". When pointed out it wasn't going to help as he wasn't a doctor. He replied. "It's to teach people lessons regarding assumptions"

8 months in a relationship is nothing. The man may not feel it right to introduce a child that's not his into his family at this point of the relationship. Especially at a time that can be a volatile time for some families.

So rather than show immaturity I think it shows that he's putting a lot more thought into the child at this point and showing more maturity than a mother who's more concerned about how much time was spent into the purchasing of her XMAS present.

Tell me how

limnam wrote:

So rather than show immaturity I think it shows that he's putting a lot more thought into the child at this point and showing more maturity than a mother who's more concerned about how much time was spent into the purchasing of her XMAS present.

I respectfully disagree with 100% of your statement but particularly the part above.

8 months is well in to a relationship and at least his family should know at this stage that his partner has a child.

The OP mentioned the time taken to purchase a gift as indicative of the commitment to the relationship, not the sole basis of the sense of discomfort.

Tell me how

limnam wrote:

You have caused me to reflect on a fine story recently told by the legend Marty Whelan. A man, not a doctor who always wore a stethoscope around his neck. When asked why he wore it; Replied "in-case of an emergency". When pointed out it wasn't going to help as he wasn't a doctor. He replied. "It's to teach people lessons regarding assumptions"

As for this part, I've no idea what point your trying to make.

limnam

Tell me how wrote: »

I respectfully disagree with 100% of your statement but particularly the part above.

8 months is well in to a relationship and at least his family should know at this stage that his partner has a child.

The OP mentioned the time taken to purchase a gift as indicative of the commitment to the relationship, not the sole basis of the sense of discomfort.

8 months is nothing. Nothing.

Going late shopping shows absolutely nothing except that he's possibly got excellent time management, very create and fully confident in his skills as a xmas shopper.

via4

I also have to disagree linman eight months is a long time for being in a relationship I can assure you. The guy should be respectful to the girl and tell his family he is seeing a girl with a child it shouldn't be a dirty secret. She has a right to feel hurt at being left alone with a child at Xmas time it's not nice at all.

Tell me how

limnam wrote:

Going late shopping shows absolutely nothing except that he's possibly got excellent time management, very create and fully confident in his skills as a xmas shopper.

To be honest, I think you're just trying to provoke a reaction here. I'm out.

limnam

via4 wrote: »

I also have to disagree linman eight months is a long time for being in a relationship I can assure you. The guy should be respectful to the girl and tell his family he is seeing a girl with a child it shouldn't be a dirty secret. She has a right to feel hurt at being left alone with a child at Xmas time it's not nice at all.

I think arguing over if 8 months is an appropriate amount of time to be deemed a long time is pointless as it depends on too many things that we have no information on.

Plus it's a very personal thing. I don't deem 8 months long, especially if there was a good few months of dating where they didn't see much of each other etc again all points we don't know.

When did you tell your parents your current gf had a child form a previous relationship?

njs030

8 months is not a long time dating someone where there's a child involved. The only reason a child should be introduced is when a relationship is stable and both parties are planning on it being long term, spending Christmas together as a "family" is quite a big step and one the boyfriend obviously didn't feel comfortable with.
Its not her boyfriends job to make up for ops lack of family and friends, if she had somewhere else to go it wouldn't matter.

Good relationships take time build and forcing it because one person has no outside life is a really bad idea.

dixiefly

OP, I think you have to point out to him why you are upset. His reaction is important. Considering his parents invited you I do think he was out of line not allowing you to accept the invitation to his parents place. He should know by now if he sees you as a long term partner.

bee06

I agree that 8 months is too soon to be introducing the child to his parents let alone spending Christmas Day with them but he hasn't even told them she has a child? Surely if he is serious he would have mentioned it by now. I would fine it very strange if a member of my family didn't mention a child of someone they were going out with after 8 months!

njs030

bee06 wrote: »

I agree that 8 months is too soon to be introducing the child to his parents let alone spending Christmas Day with them but he hasn't even told them she has a child? Surely if he is serious he would have mentioned it by now. I would fine it very strange if a member of my family didn't mention a child of someone they were going out with after 8 months!

Possibly the boyfriends parents might be a bit ops fashioned and he knows it would cause problems. It's understandable in that case he wouldn't want to have the row until he's sure the relationship is going somewhere.

bee06

notjustsweet wrote: »

Possibly the boyfriends parents might be a bit ops fashioned and he knows it would cause problems. It's understandable in that case he wouldn't want to have the row until he's sure the relationship is going somewhere.

Perhaps but it sounds to me more like he has a problem with her having a child. He hasn't told his parents, he wouldn't spend Christmas with her because the child was there and he didn't buy the child a present.

intheclouds

limnam wrote: »

I think arguing over if 8 months is an appropriate amount of time to be deemed a long time is pointless as it depends on too many things that we have no information on.

Plus it's a very personal thing. I don't deem 8 months long, especially if there was a good few months of dating where they didn't see much of each other etc again all points we don't know.

When did you tell your parents your current gf had a child form a previous relationship?

This is all irrelevant nonsense.

If he told his parents she existed at all, then that's the time he should have told them about her child. It's a package deal.

If his parents are old fashioned, so what? If the relationship becomes serious they will find out anyway someday. All he is doing by hiding it is showing his own true feelings, that he sees it as a dirty secret.

One would have hoped we have moved past this attitude in modern Ireland, but clearly not.

intheclouds

notjustsweet wrote: »

Possibly the boyfriends parents might be a bit ops fashioned and he knows it would cause problems. It's understandable in that case he wouldn't want to have the row until he's sure the relationship is going somewhere.

No. It's already causing problems. For the OP.

Someone who does this is doing it because they see it as shameful.

No one should be lying about a child to please their parents. Too immature to have a relationship in that case.

njs030

intheclouds wrote: »

No. It's already causing problems. For the OP.

Someone who does this is doing it because they see it as shameful.

No one should be lying about a child to please their parents. Too immature to have a relationship in that case.

I'm sorry but I think your view is very harsh and one-sided.

If the parents are likely to be uncomfortable with their son becoming a step father to the child of a woman he's known for 8 months anyone with a small bit of common sense would try to avoid problems over Christmas. Believe it or not the op isn't the centre of the universe and her boyfriend has every right to take things at a speed he's comfortable with including what he does or doesn't tell HIS OWN parents and how much time he's comfortable spending playing happy families.

There's a strange attitude on this forum that if you don't tell everyone everything immediately you must be ashamed or immature and therefore dumped! Its not a true reflection of life at all! Some people are old fashioned and need to be fed information slowly, some people like to build relationships over time rather than jumping in feet first. Though if the op feels her boyfriend is ashamed of her child it's a bit weird she's still with him!

Like I've previously said the most worrying thing in the post is that the op expects her boyfriend to make up for her having no friends or family to rely on..that's pretty worrying and should be more important than who bought what presents.

intheclouds

notjustsweet wrote: »

I'm sorry but I think your view is very harsh and one-sided.

I've seen this happen many times, and I've never once seen it end well. Even in cases where the guy finally tells the truth, there is resentment over him hiding it for so long. If you can't be honest with your friends and family about your relationship then you shouldn't be in that relationship.

Of course, the lying is only one red flag among many in the OPs tale. Hence me taking a harsh view.

LegacyUser

bee06 wrote: »

he wouldn't spend Christmas with her because the child was there and he didn't buy the child a present.

He is only going out with her for 8 months, why would he spend Christmas with her child or no child if he wants to spend it at home? I'm with my gf over 3 years and we wouldn't even consider spending Christmas together as we both want to spend it at home with our parents and siblings.

intheclouds wrote: »

If his parents are old fashioned, so what? If the relationship becomes serious they will find out anyway someday. All he is doing by hiding it is showing his own true feelings, that he sees it as a dirty secret.

One would have hoped we have moved past this attitude in modern Ireland, but clearly not.

It's possible he wants to make sure the relationship is going to last before he goes through with the possible hassle etc of telling his parents. Even not very old fashioned people are often not too fond of a son bringing home a girl with a child from a previous relationship so he may just not want to open up the whole situation until is sure she is the one.

bee06

Guest_191817 wrote: »

He is only going out with her for 8 months, why would he spend Christmas with her child or no child if he wants to spend it at home? I'm with my gf over 3 years and we wouldn't even consider spending Christmas together as we both want to spend it at home with our parents and siblings.

My reading of the OP's statement is that he would have spent Christmas with her if the child wasn't there or invited her to his house. In your girlfriend's case she is having Christmas with her family. Would you still go off to Christmas with your family if you knew she was spending it virtually alone?

Matteroffact

anon 29 wrote: »

Hi. I have a little boy, I split with his dad about 2 years ago due to domestic violence. I have been going out with a man for about 8 months, and as he hasn't informed his parents I have a child, he went home for christmas, they wanted me to come, but he told them I was at a friends. He doesn't want to spend christmas here as my son is with me tomorrow.

I feel very lonely, I have no family, no friends really, no one asked me to spend christmas with them. My son is young so I feel as though I am on my own.

I got him something he really wanted for christmas and wrote a beautiful piece of writing for him, in return he left buying me a present until the last minute and put no thought into it. It makes me feel very hurt and unloved.

I also had to pretend some of the presents I got for my son were from him, as he had got nothing.

I love him very much, however I feel that if he loved me he wouldn't have left me to be on my own on christmas day, would have told his parents about my son and put more thought into my present. I am not materialisitc, I would have been happy with a letter or something to show he cared. On the other hand, I am wondering if I am expecting too much, or being overemotional as this is not a great time of year for me anyway.

I am very upset, and I don't have anyone to talk to. I am dreading tomorrow.

Thanks for reading.

You are expecting too much from a man who is not on the same page as you regarding this relationship. You obviously feel more for him than he does for you. This is disappointing after 8 months. What you have to ask yourself now is whether you want to wait for him to fall in love with you or whether you feel that if he doesn't feel the same after 8 months then he never will.
Without knowing him it is hard for any of us to answer that question. I think your gut instinct should tell you what you need to do.