Is there something I should feel.

LegacyUser

I arrived home for Christmas this evening and knew that something was wrong from the moment I arrived in the door. I said hello to Mom and Dad. Went in to talk to Dad, and Mom came in. Mom asked me about work and then said she'd have to take some time off work. I stupidly spurted out that was it 'nerves'? She'd told me recently she hadn't been sleeping well for the past year. Even then it wouldn't be the type of thing I'd normally say. She then told me she had cancer. Found out only yesterday. My parents asking me when Mom should tell my brother and sister (both live and work abroad).

I'm feeling extremely fúcked up because I'm not as distressed as I think I should be. I don't know what to do. I'm even feeling bad typing this as it almost makes it feel trivial. My Dad and Mom both fell asleep on the couch in the living room beside me this evening. I think I've put the bad idea aside and tried to rationalise it. I even laughed at the Anchorman movie.

I've tried to rationalise it by getting very drunk. I've a real problem with alcohol. I'm an alcoholic. I so fúcking sad that I'm sitting here typing this and realising that the world has changed. I've destroyed my world with this stuff, even after spending a fortune on therapy and drugs. But I don't feel the sadness I should feel.

What should I do? I hugged my Mom this evening. I'm beginning to think I'm a psychopath. But I'm not.

Rocket19

Hi,

Please don't get too caught up in what you "should" be feeling right now.
Everyone deals with bad news differently, and I think it's natural to question your own reactions to things, especially when you are thrown in a situation you have not encountered before.

I imagine it was quite a shock to recieve that news, so it could even just be the case that you haven't quite wrapped your head around it yet.
Regardless, just allow yourself to process this in your time, and in your own way. You are not a psychopath, as it's obvious you care very much for your mum.

Look after yourself, and let her know that you are there to support her.

You have acknowledged that you are an alcoholic, so perhaps try to think towards looking for help for that. For many, just admitting they have issue is the hardest part, and you are already there.
I wish you and your family a happy Christmas.

December2012

Maybe you're not as distressed as you think you "should" be, because you are just processing the information.

Have you a sponsor or support for your alcoholism? Look for some help with that

SATSUMA

We all react to bad news differently. I've been there. Youre probably in shock/denial. Focus on minding yourself and getting your mam through this. Sometimes news like this cab spur you into identifying the life you want.

Best of luck to you. Xx

pea be

Do a quick google on the 5 stages of grief (also applicable to major changes). It may help you understand some of the normal path most people take to come to Acceptance of the grief/change.

First stage is denial ... Which you are probably experiencing now (it is not really happening, it can't be true, she will get better..etc etc).
Next stage is anger, which you may be dipping into when you look at yourself and see the alcoholic that is not reacting "right".
The other stages are Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.

Everybody deals with news like this in different ways, and you will experience the different stages at different times (even more than one stage at once), and may zip back and forward between stages. Again everybody takes different times to get through the stages.

Take care of yourself and each other over the next while.

Diamond Doll

There's no right or wrong way to feel or react in these situations. Don't beat yourself up about how you're feeling.

Having said that though, alcohol will not help you in the difficult times to come. It will numb your emotions rather than allowing you to process them and work through them. And yes of course it's the easy option, but it'll destroy you physically and mentally in the long run. It's not worth the temporary release.

I know you probably feel like you need to be a big support to your parents at the moment, especially with your siblings living abroad. But honestly, you'd be doing them a much bigger favour by addressing your issues with alcohol. When you're mentally healthy and stable, you'll be in a far better position to help them. I know you've said you've tried drugs and therapy in the past, but there's always other options, and there's always time to turn your life around. The non-drinkers forum here is a good place to look for support and advice. I know it's difficult, and may feel selfish, but I think it's important that you prioritise your own issues right now.

I would advise you (or your parents) to tell your siblings as soon as possible. And then I would also advise you to talk to them about your alcoholism. They may be depending on you to be the main support to your parents when they're not around; however if they're aware of how you are, they'll hopefully help out a bit more in whatever ways they can - even if they can't physically be there.

I wish both you and your mother all the best with hopeful eventual recovery.

LegacyUser

OP, my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer earlier this year. While obviously deeply worried, we pretty much took it in our stride with the chemotherapy sessions every three weeks or so becoming part of everyday life, and her treatment has been going well. More distant family members remarked surprisingly how calm my mother was, but that's just her way and the rest of us followed her example.

Just because you're not demonstratively or visibly upset doesn't mean you're a psychopath. I have no doubt that you care about her from your post. As said by the above posters, people process bad news differently, some people just get on with it. Just be supportive of her and your wider family. And look after yourself, and your alcoholism.

porsche boy

Give it time to sink in, it will.

Rubberchikken

Im so sorry. That's the most terrible news to arrive home to.

For the moment, leave it sink in. Your mom is probably still trying to process it also.
When the initial shock subsides, and it will, you'll find the strength to help your parents deal with this.

If you have a sponsor, contact them. Alcohol is fine, but in these circumstances you need to kee as clear a head as you can.

Take care and i hope your mom comes through this.

stove

Despite the advancements in treatment a diagnosis of cancer is still shocking for patients and family members.

People can react to the news in all sorts of ways and your reaction is not unusual.

It might be helpful to contact your local cancer support centre at some stage (for yourself and your mother). They provide information and possibly counselling for patients and family members which can help normalise how you are reacting.

You did not mention AA but many people find attending more regularly helpful during stressful times.

Once the initial shock lessens you will be able to make more sense of things OP.

Best of luck to you and family.

CaraMay

It's ok to take it in your stride. You dont have to be grief stricken and devestated. It's obviously bad news and means she has some hard days ahead but maybe that's all it will be. I was ok when my dad got similar news. I had days of worry but I was strong for him and luckily it worked out ok.

Tigger99

You are far from a psychopath. You sound pretty numb at the moment and I'm not surprised. Also you mentioned that you are an alcoholic which is a hard brave thing to admit. I'm guessing from the mention of therapy and drugs that you might have /had have depression. It's a divil for making you feel numb.

You are doing well to be standing at this stage. Don't feel bad for whatever you are or aren't feeling. By the way looking at how glad my parents are that I'm home for Christmas I realise how much it means to them and am sure you are the same to your parents. That's all you can do for your mom.

I'm sorry you had to get this news, but I hope they caught it early.

Mind yourself.