RIP: how much of your "ex-pat" life do you put on hold?

CelticRambler

Back at Easter, I caught up with some family members that I hadn't seen for a while, notably my father's brother, still running the family farm in the West, aswell as cousins 1 & 3 from that branch; cousin 2 has been in the States for twenty years, married with four children, and doesn't get home that often, but had a trip planned for November which was supposed to double up as a parcel delivery and collection service for Christmas.

Sadly, this Christmas looks like it's not going to be a happy one. My uncle was diagnosed with late stage aggressive cancer back in October, so my cousin's November visit was also a chance to "be with the family" at a difficult time and see his dad start hospice care, before going back to Chicago. My uncle's deteriorated steadily since and I heard today that my parents were heading down to his bedside, having only got back at the weekend.

For my own part, I'm a realist/fatalist, and know that my presence as one of the "marginal" members of the family won't make any difference, and I've got my own circle of children and aged friends to look after. But in the context of this forum, I've been wondering how you deal with the uncertainty of a close relative (particularly parent or sibling) being in a slow decline when you're 5000km away?

I've (only once) had to do the last minute booking of a flight to attend a funeral after an accidental death, which is "easy enough" in the grand scheme of things - you just cancel everything and go; but how on earth do you cope with someone dying in the days running up to Christmas? It's bad enough organising travel when you've got some notice - or none at all - but in Christmas week? And how do you balance the "need" to be at a funeral against sticking around to see/do whatever your children are involved in?

wuffly

Very sorry to hear about your uncle, such a difficult thing and even harder given the time of year. Hope that he doing as well as he can be and is comfortable..

Its something that crosses my mind with my parents getting older.
My OH's god mother passed away in early Nov last year he had a work trip planned at the time. We knew she didn't have much time and I really felt (I've had a lot of deaths to cope with over the years, where as he has had very few and none of anyone close to him) he should take some extra leave and go home while he was going to be in Europe anyway. They were close but in the scheme of things he would have been peripheral. I persuaded him to take the time and that spending time with her while she was alive would be more important to her than him being at her funeral if she lasted longer than expected. As it happened he got to spend some lovely time with her and she passed away while he was on the trip and got back for the funeral also. He is really glad he took the time when he had the chance, it was a lucky situation really. Its a guessing game with long term illness. I have a friend here who has made several trips home to OZ as his mum has been at deaths door and she's come back every time and is still going strong 5 years later she has beaten all sorts of odds.

Any deaths I've had to deal with have unfortunately been very sudden and I've haven't always been able to get home, getting home after and seeing people when things have settled a bit can better for them and you. Funerals are important but they can be hectic hazy times, for close family its obviously necessary and a part of the grieving process. I have lost several cousins since i have been away, when i've come home and spent time with the families its always been quiet nice and they've been able to talk about it a bit easier and have to come to terms with it somewhat, I don't know how to describe life moves on very quickly for everyone else they appreciate the chance to talk about the loved on etc...

Wishing you and your family the best at this time...

CelticRambler

wuffly wrote: »

spending time with her while she was alive would be more important to her than him being at her funeral

That'd be my view aswell - "give me the flowers while I can still smell them" as someone once said.

All academic now; he passed away this evening ... just after my parents had left to head back to Dublin to give some attention to their grandchildren.

Thinking morbidly about it, if anything was to happen to anyone else now, it'd probably be them. Like myself, my cousin in the States can't (couldn't) really do anything but wait for news, whereas those "at home" have been clocking up the miles like nobody's business. It's meant an awful lot of driving for two 70+ year-olds, at a terrible time of the year, with a lot of stress at both ends of the journey.

But hopefully now they'll enjoy three full days (at least) without wondering if or when they're going to get that call.

Suaimhneach

Sorry for your loss. A friends dad just passed yesterday, from Northern Ireland. Cancer, sudden too. Dont know what to be saying to them - ruins this Christmas and every Christmas? An awful time.

The only experience I have of this is when my nana passed relatively suddenly, a month before my wedding. It was somewhat devastating, we were really really close.

I opted to do as wuffly said, and came back and spent a week while she was well. Because I had time off work for it, and the rest of the family were balancing doing their jobs, minding their kids etc, I actually got to spend loads of time with her. It was incredibly special, in the end. She was in good form the whole time, laughing and joking and putting too much salt on her chips because "sure it doesnt matter now". She was some woman.

I left to go back to the states, at that point (a Friday I think) hoping she'd have three months to live and make the wedding. Got the news when I landed it wasnt going to be that long, and she was dead on the Sunday. Got a flight BACK to Ireland that day (you can get cheap flights if you call and tell them, "grievance flights" I think they're called? Some airlines do them). Was glad I came back for the funeral because it helped me process an awful lot. I think if I had missed it it would have been bizarre, like she just disappeared? Mind you I should have just stayed instead of having to face an international flight on my own with this news...

But you kind of have to be relentless about it. Who makes the 'cut' of being worth all the $$$ and the time and disruption? And honestly it makes me ask questions that arent so nice to hear maybe.. but better to see/know/love them while they are here, so making the effort now is more important? Which is why I am moving home, but I know not everyone can do that so obviously keeping that in mind too.

It's so complicated

wuffly

Very sorry for your loss Celtic... There is never a good time and its never easy, but as you said at least your Parents are not longer waiting for the call and I'm sure your uncle is at peace.

Suaimhneach unfortunately its always a hard choice and I don't think there are any hard and fast rules for who you can and can't go back for. I think you do what you can when it happens. One of my cousins died suddenly and tragically 2 weeks before my wedding and I felt i couldn't go home because i was taking time off for the wedding and it was already a crap time at my work. In hind sight i will always regret it... i went out for a walk to clear my head that night and more or less collapsed and sprained my ankle. My ankle never healed properly as i kept going to work and didn't rest it, it reminds me no one but wuffly looks out for wuffly. I know now it would have been fine to take the time, but then i was too busy stressing about not asking for too much or being awkward in work. They couldn't care less, barely a question as to why i was in the office on crutchs etc... No one else will look after your needs in the long term. Its finding the line of what you can live with.