Sister issues.

LegacyUser

Hi there. as the title suggest, I have sister issues but who doesn't eh?

I'm really not sure what to do or how to handle the situation....

I am one of six kids - two are abroad, four of us at home. My two oldest brothers do their own thing and rarely see my parents, maybe once every two months, call now and again. Two of my sisters are abroad....so that leaves me and my other sister, lets call her Sarah.

Sarah is a very negative person, almost manipulative you could say. She had a very messy break up about 7 years ago and moved back in with my parents. She brought her three kids along with her....

She is still there. She has taken over their home. Anytime I drop by, my parents are sitting in their sitting room and her and her kids are running around the house, shouting, screaming, just completely taking over. She has NO intention of moving out. She says she cannot afford but she can. I did the figures with her one night and she could. It would be tight but do-able. Her ex also contributes weekly. She says living at home stresses her out but she does nothing about it.

Anyways, I try and see my parents as much as I can - usually at least once a week and we talk probably twice. I live about a 40 minute drive away.

That's a bit of background.....what my main concern is is that she is just taking over. She acts like she is the ONLY one who knows anything about my parents. She makes it out as if they need help in the house and she is the ONLY one who can do it - both my parents are 73, they are very active and have very good health. They do get tired but they rest when they do. Her kids give them the height of cheek and she does nothing about it. She is constantly rowing with my mother but sees nothing wrong with it because SHE is stressed because SHE has to live there etc etc...

My brothers couldn't give a damn. My other sisters are away. One of them is very aware of the situation and gets very upset she cant be here, the other lives in her own little bubble and doesn't really see whats happening..

I think my parents are being bullied by her. I think she might have a bigger game plan .......

I have spoken to my parents about it - they defend her to a degree because its 'poor Sarah had this happen to her and poor Sarah has no one etc etc'. They know she needs to go but are afraid to ask her. My mam actually went as far as sourcing an apartment close to the house for her, they said they would give her 100 a month towards rent to help her. Her response? She yelled at my mam that she would never live in that 'kip' and that they just want rid of her and they don't like having her and the kids around etc etc etc. My mam got very upset over this.... I have also, very carefully, spoken to Sarah about it. I usually take the angle of telling her how great it would be for her to have her own space etc etc. She is very manipulative - she tells people sob stories so they get on side but she has been caught out by people but she doesn't face up to it - she just builds up more lies.

I am worried about my parents. Am I worried about my inheritance? Yes, it does come into it a bit but my parents have told me the house is getting split 6 ways. My sister brings this up quite a bit - she says ' what will I do if they die, I'll be homeless etc etc'. But I can honestly say my parents health - both mental and physical - worries me the most...

She also goes on about how SHE is going to end up being their carer, no body else. I have told her that I am here also, she is not alone but she doesn't listen.

Anyone ever have to deal with something similar? Can anything be done?

Mr. Incognito

I have seen it on the other end administering estates where one sibling had moved into the family home.

Frankly she is taking your parents for a ride and they are letting her do it. Once she is in the house when they die it's a court ordered sale which could take years and become exceptionally expensive.

She needs to live on her own two feet and not be sponging off her parents at any age.

I suspect that unless ALL the family sit down with her and have an intervention she will not take subtle hints to move out.

Get everyone on side, chat to your parents and you should arrange to talk to her when her kids are out of the house.

Expect a scene but give her a firm deadline to move out and stick to it.

Hemerodrome

It's your parent's home, it's up to them what to do about it.

Starokan

There is really very little you can do about the situation. You do not like it which I understand but in fairness your two parents are free to do as they wish, if they really do not want her in the house then they would tell her to move and that is the only way the situation will get resolved to your liking.

Perhaps some of the time they like having her there and like having the children there, who knows . She sounds like a complete wagon from your post tbh but despite that its all down to what your parents want. From your post (poor sarah etc) it would seem that they perceive her and their grandchildren to need them right now and I would imagine that is going to trump whatever you are feeling.

Will it lead to a difficult situation if they pass away , yes unquestionably so , take their word that the house is being split equally and if it changes well that is their decision and you will have to respect it whether you like it or not. I would say do not think like that though - your parents may have many many years ahead and you can enjoy your time with them instead of worrying about the effect your sister is having.

LegacyUser

Thank you for your replies. The whole issue of inheritance is not the big issue - I put it in because I knew people would think its about that. I know I would. Please believe me when I say I would prefer to have my parents in my life forever than have money....I mean that.

I agree that its their house. That's the point. Its their house. But she has completely taken it over.

I agree that they like having the kids there. They would miss them very much but I think after 7 years, she should be ready to stand on her own two feet??? They mind her kids most of the time so it would be a big loss to them.

But is it not time that they enjoyed their retirement? They have raised 6 of us and have struggled through the years for money etc but they did it. They are now comfortable and instead of minding my sister and her kids, they should be off on holidays etc. they have had to cancel plans because of my sister (her wanting them to mind her kids coz her ex lets her down etc. - he doesn't. She causes fights with him and then tells him he's not having the kids).

I'm honestly just worried about them. She doesn't talk nice to them. She doesn't talk nice to anyone really. I would be the closest to her and I know if I fully confront her she will have a melt down. So I suppose she is manipulating me too.

On the other side, she acts like she is the only one who really knows/cares for them coz she's living there. She acts like all the responsibility of them falls on her. As I said already though, they are not invalid - they are very active.

I don't know. I think my brothers should do something really....they just don't want to know.

miamee

OP I'm afraid the only ones who should be doing something about this situation are your parents. They are old enough to know what they want from life and if they won't push your sister to move out or would rather her stay for an 'easy life' then there isn't much you can do. You can offer your support and encourage them to go on holidays they have planned or that you know they'd like to do but it's not your place to take control of their life - especially when complaining about your sister doing something similar. There is very little mention of your dad in any of your posts, how does he feel about the whole situation? If he spoke to her about the situation instead of your mam would she be more likely to listen?

LegacyUser

My Dad has pulled her up the odd time over the way she speaks to my Mam but to be honest, he just takes a back seat now and wants an easy life....he just potters in his shed or watches telly. Turns the volume up so he cant hear whats going on. He does this....

They won't tell her to go. they have tried but it backfired so they wont do it again. Its very hard to see.

I do support them as much as I can. I have a baby and she brings a lot of joy to them so I try and bring her to see them or get them out to mine to spend time with her. Babies are great like that - lots of laughs and cuddles.

She's toxic and I think she has gotten herself right where she wants to be...


I suppose all I can do is just be there. Thanks for all your replies. I really needed to vent.

Paddy Cow

I know you said it's not about inheritance but I imagine your sister thinks she will get the house if anything happens to them. She's already claiming that she is the only one that looks after them so in her mind because she has lived there for so long and is the "sole carer", she will fight tooth and nail to keep what she feels is rightfully hers.

She sounds like a nightmare op and you have my sympathies. Your parents would have a much better quality of life if she moved out but after 7 years, her feet are firmly in the door. Are the kids still youngish? It's not going to be fair on your parents when they are teenagers and have to go through all the moods etc again. They already did it with 6 kids and it's so unfair they have to do it again with brats who don't treat them with respect. I blame the mother. If they are cheeky with them, she should be putting a stop to it quick smart.

It should not take anyone 7 years to get their finances together enough in order to move out. She is clearly taking the p!ss but unless you can get your parents onboard, there really is nothing you can do. Be there for your parents and in the unfortunate event of anything happening to them, be prepared for your sister to try and take the family home.

kylith

If your parents want her gone OP then really the best you and your other siblings can do is let them know you support them and will back them up but realistically if they're not willing to put the foot down, lay down the law, and stomach a row and the guilt she'll try heap on about the kids there's not much can be done.

If I were your mum I'd tell her I wanted her out in front of an audience, even of the rest if the immediate family, and set a date after which the locks would be changed. Unfortunately she knows that they won't throw the children out on the street so she'll use that to her advantage. Is the kids' dad involved with them? Could your parents contact him to take the kids for the week or a few days while she moves?

kknapp21

What I would do is get your parents to evict her. Sit her down and say 'look it has been 7 years, we will help you with your rent and if need be, help with child care, but you need your space and we need yours.' Your poor dad having to live in denial and your poor mom having to be spoken too like that. it isn't right. Also her children are witnessing this as well. As you said your parents worked really hard to rear 6 kids and should be enjoying their age as they wish.