Worried about my attitude to relationships or lack of

LegacyUser

Hi all. Going to try put this on paper as maybe someone here has felt the same or went through similar and can offer some advice.
I am 28, female and have had mixed to little success in relationships and have been thinking recently why this is and just looking for some persepective. I guess I have to go back to where I feel the reason might be coming from to give some background.
For as long as I can remember I have never had a good relationship with my mother. She seemed ashamed of me for most of my childhood and I have clear memory of going on journeys with her and being subject to nasty comments/abuse whatever you could call it. Some of the things I was repeatedly told were I was fat, I had no friends (I did), everyone laughs at me, I can't do anything right, she wished I was like ______, I used to be a lovely baby and look at the state of me now etc etc. When things have gone wrong in my life like relationships or even when I was in a car accident, everything was made out by her to be my fault and it was a result of me being stupid/useless/tick whatever her term of choice was.

Due to this I think, I craved any attention from guys growing up whether they were interested or not. I would have often been the one to pursue the guy more often and when it ended, more than likely by him, I would be gutted. I would have put up from behaviour from guys that wasn't really acceptable such as dumping me, wanting me back, dumping me again etc etc. Somehow I felt that the love that was absent from my mother would be replaced by these guys who were never really into me. When I look back, I allowed myself be treated like this because I felt I didn't deserve better.
Over the last two or three years I think I have improved somewhat in this regard. I no longer tolerate the bad behaviour or if I feel a guy isn't into me I end things before it gets too hard. My longest relationship was 6 months and I ended it in July. As nice and all as the guy was, we weren't right for each other and our lives were going in different directions. While upset at the time I knew it was for the best.
I guess the main reason I am posting here and it is embarrassing for me to say is that I am a mess when it comes to relationships, emotionally and I want to be able to deal with rejection or relationships ending a lot better. I think a lot of my problem is that I place a lot of emphasis on meeting that special person, and when I am treated badly I get so upset and down for long periods of time. When I think of the most important thing in life I think of love, meeting the person you will spend your life with,children maybe and living your life to its fullest. When I look into the future and my life goals, I don't see myself being very career orientated, I see myself again settling down with husband and family. Some people are very career driven and work for promotion after promotion whereas if I had kids in the future, I would possibly take a career break or jobshare if circumstances allow.
The last guy I was seeing ended strangely and left me pretty stunned. I would like to think that at 28 I am a pretty good judge of character but I misread things. We were seeing each other for abou a month and a half and all the signs were there that it was going somewhere. We got on really well, he was in contact everyday or every second day, we had lots in common. He told me he really liked me, was attracted to me and I felt pretty confident about things. The last time we met up he actually texted the day before that he would be able to meet earlier than we originally had planned if I was able, and we could spend more time together and that date wet really well. The all of a sudden, the contact nearly stopped, when I contacted him he was gone cold and mentioned not having enough time to see me for another few weeks. This seemed a bit strange to me and I felt he wanted to end things but didn't have the guts so I did. He wrote back okay thanks and never heard from him since and this was the beginning of December. I was more upset at the way it all changed so quickly than anything else.
So I guess long story short, I don't have much success with relationships and what I want more than anything (as sad and all as it seems) is to meet someone, get married and have kids. I am faced with the reality now of thinking of life alone and maybe I won't meet that person but to be honest it scares me. I dread Christmas most years due to the uncertainty of how my mother will be, but this year all I seem to see is happy couples, families and I just feel lonely and empty. I hate that I feel this way because I have a lot going for me in life, good job, friends, but I just feel like something is missing. I don't know how to shake the feeling of sadness when things don't work out, I get upset, cry a bit and I have done the drunken texts etc too which always makes me feel worse.
I probably come across really badly in this post but I found it very hard to word it properly. Sorry for the length also.

LegacyUser

I don't know why you think your ambition to have a family might be sad, it's really not. Lots of people want that, probably most people, so no need to feel negative about it at all.

I'd suggest your relationship with your mother and the legacy it has left you would be very suited to counselling. Friends of mine have gone through very similar experiences and benefitted greatly from it. I'd encourage you to give it a try.

The counselling would also benefit your approach to relationships, help you get started on a better footing, which may lead to more sustainable relationships, or a more manageable outcome for you if they do end, which in turn leads to you learning something from it that you can apply next time around, rather than being damaged by it.

Also, you're 28. Late twenties for a lot of people means a kissing a few frogs stage, really not that uncommon and it could all change in a heartbeat. I'm not saying it will, but there's no need to be despondent, there are more positives for you than negatives and you just need the right fella to see that.

I'd be curious to know how you're meeting guys. I always think that the circumstances of meeting, mutual friends or interests versus online dating or random meetings out socialising say, leads to a different dynamic. The methods are all valid, but the dynamics they create are different and can lead to a very different bond, a different way to proceed, it being easier to treat a relationship with more or less respect depending on how it came about. Maybe that's not a factor for you, but it might be something to consider.

Lastly, I don't see anything that you've written there which shows you to be the "mess" you think you are. You have had some bad times, a lack of support, a few bad endings to relationships, but you come across as articulate, self-aware, socially and professionally successful and know what you want for the future; not a lot wrong there and plenty of reason to be hopeful for yourself.

zephyro

OP you actually come across very well in your post and there's certainly nothing wrong with the wording! Your final sentences sum it up really, you appear to view yourself pretty negatively and sound like you're very hard on yourself without good reason. This is very likely a result of your experiences growing up resulting in persistently low self-esteem and as the previous poster said, you'd probably benefit greatly from counselling. The reality is you know what your priority is in life (nothing sad about it btw), have plenty of time at 28 to make it a reality, have gained some valuable relationship experience and with a helping hand to improve your self-image, there's no reason why it wouldn't happen for you.

DukeOfTheSharp

This is one of those situations where there's no right answer, and no single piece of advice that can be given that would cover such a complicated issue.

I think that you're getting ahead of yourself, and that you need to deal with your issues around relationships, rejection and dealing with being treated badly (which I'd ask: what constitutes that in your point-of-view) As someone who got into a heap of terrible relationships years back, I can tell you that if you've a 'type', drop that naive concept now. Seriously. It'll destroy you, because that comes from a dark place where you examine what you find basically attractive without taking into account a person's actions/personality. I'd suggest making an appointment with your doctor and maybe talking about getting some counselling, or if you have some spare cash, you can always go private, but either way you need to deal with these issues. I've seen - and experienced - the life-crashing effect of unresolved issues forcing a relationship to end, it's not fun for either party and stems from things that have been going on for a long time coming to a head when life is at a stage where you 'should be' happy and content. If you don't have a clue what makes you happy - and you get, from the sound of it, seasonally depressed - then you'll never be happy. Be mindful that the last dude wasn't your fault, he was an arse, but the message remains the same, you're getting to a point where you're seemingly desperate, and this could be one of many bad choices that you'll want to avoid.

Take a break from relationships and deal with your own problems first, your filters for a partner are good, but without the help to get your feelings and thoughts in order and stable you'll either a) end up in crappy relationships with people who treat you like muck, or b) sabotage good relationships because of a fear of rejection or failure early on. You have to feel comfortable with yourself before you find that person you want to settle down with, if you don't have that - even if you meet that person - you'll either not recognise them, or you'll sabotage the whole thing.

Just remember what RuPaul says: "If you can't love yourself, how the hell are you going to love somebody else?"

LegacyUser

Op here.
To whoever asked how I meet the guys I have been seeing, the last guy and the guy I ended up going out with for six months I met on tinder. It may not be ideal but it seems to be the only way I meet someone as all of my friends bar one are in long term relationships and nobody seems to go out anymore.
I went on tinder after it ended with the guy earlier this month and he was on tinder the day we ended. We weren't official and he could do what he wanted but I guess it showed he hadn't much hope for us.
The last few days I have been back in the negative frame of mind over the latest guy. What changed so quick? Did I do something wrong? Did it comes across that I liked him and he ran a mile? Was I too soft? I can't even tell anyone how I am feeling coz there are people going through much worse at this time of year so I just put on a brave face. I just wish I wasn't so focused on something that may never happen. Just hurts a lot when someone just changes so quick and someone who seems to be into it nearly more than I was, looking back on it all.

LegacyUser

Op here. Thanks for the replies. To whoever asked where I meet the guys I have been with, all with the exception of the last two have been in social situation on nights out etc. The last two I met on tinder. My friends don't go out much anymore as they are all settled with boyfriends so I felt for a while if I wanted to meet someone I didn't have many other options.
I checked tinder after it ended with the most recent guy and he had been active on it that day. It still hurts that he never replied to my last message for someone who was so I into things to just drop me like that is so hurtful.
I put on a brave face a lot of the time when these disappointments happen and let on to most of my friends that it doesn't bother me when deep down it really does. I see everyone so happy with their other half this time of the year and few weeks before Christmas I get dumped.
I spend a lot of time when these things end analysing myself and what I could have done wrong and end up driving myself mad in the process. It's like in my day to day life I give the impression that I don't care whether I ever meet anyone but in my own head I often am close to tears at the thought of it not happening for me (sad I know).
The most recent guy I told myself I wasn't going expecting anything and would meet him for the laugh and even after the first two dates I was very relaxed about things. Then as we got on better and better I used to look forward to hearing from him everyday and then when it ended I was just dumbfounded as there honestly wasn't any signs.

OP, the first thing I will say to you is to stop looking. Stop looking for love and instead work on loving yourself.

Growing up with an overly critical parent would have shot your self esteem to pieces. The relationship we have with our mother can set the stage for what's to come. This relationship we is hugely important to how we develop as adults. When your self esteem is low you will put up with all sorts or crap. When you have a deep longing for love and a family then you may overlook many things which don't sit right with you.

I think counselling would be a very good idea to help you work through your past experiences. Rejection is a difficult feeling to experience. Without a strong sense of self and a good dose of resilience it can rip you to shreds. I think you need to develop those two elements before you embark on dating again.

Please be kind to yourself OP. Life can be hard enough without being hard on yourself x

Sleepy

One thing to watch out for OP: I've noticed that people who've suffered from similar overly critical parents tend to swing one of two ways: they either think everything is their fault, or that nothing is. Life is rarely that simple: if you pursue at a guy known to be a bit of a player in the hope you can change him, you have to accept that your own actions were a factor in the inevitable mistreatment you receive at his hands. It's not your fault that's he's an arsehole, but it is your fault that you got into (or stayed in) a relationship with him.

The drunken texts thing rings real alarm bells for me tbh. It's needy, attention seeking behaviour that never ends well and if you find yourself doing it, perhaps it's best not to drink for a while after ending a relationship?

Finally, at 28, you'll find very few lads thinking of settling down and having a family. Some don't want a relationship at all and most that do want someone to have adventures with. Go explore your interests, find some hobbies: discover who you are that's more than a punching bag for an abusive parent and a potential wife & mother.

Think about it, which are you more interested: a decent but dull man who wants to have kids with you or someone with hobbies and life experiences that make him interesting to talk to?

LegacyUser

neverworksout wrote: »

Op here. Thanks for the replies. To whoever asked where I meet the guys I have been with, all with the exception of the last two have been in social situation on nights out etc. The last two I met on tinder. My friends don't go out much anymore as they are all settled with boyfriends so I felt for a while if I wanted to meet someone I didn't have many other options.
I checked tinder after it ended with the most recent guy and he had been active on it that day. It still hurts that he never replied to my last message for someone who was so I into things to just drop me like that is so hurtful.
I put on a brave face a lot of the time when these disappointments happen and let on to most of my friends that it doesn't bother me when deep down it really does. I see everyone so happy with their other half this time of the year and few weeks before Christmas I get dumped.
I spend a lot of time when these things end analysing myself and what I could have done wrong and end up driving myself mad in the process. It's like in my day to day life I give the impression that I don't care whether I ever meet anyone but in my own head I often am close to tears at the thought of it not happening for me (sad I know).
The most recent guy I told myself I wasn't going expecting anything and would meet him for the laugh and even after the first two dates I was very relaxed about things. Then as we got on better and better I used to look forward to hearing from him everyday and then when it ended I was just dumbfounded as there honestly wasn't any signs.

That was me asking about the way you meet guys and it gives me no pleasure to know I guessed correctly, but at least there's a pattern and potential solution. Besides anything I said above, I'd also suggest you change the way you meet guys. Tinder at al are perfectly valid, but the dynamic they foster is "easy come easy go" and you end up with people meeting who have absolutely no investment in each other and who know well they can just hop back on it and find the next one if it ends. That's not what you're looking for, so time to stop that and find an alternative. There may be success stories from Tinder, but they're few and far between.

I don't know how you spend your time, but maybe think about spending more of it doing something that will bring you into contact with people over some common ground. Take up anything you fancy, hillwalking, chess, public speaking, volunteering for a charity, whatever really, that will help you meet new people. In turn meeting them will help you meet others and all the people you meet won't just treat each other as pictures to be swiped one way or another, you'll actually form relationships. It requires a little time and effort, but that will be repaid just by the fact of doing it.

And if you think that effort and the change are hard work, think about this, if you do what you always done, you'll get what you always got. Make a few little changes now and you'll give yourself a whole new set of opportunities. You say you've already made some changes in how you approach relationships and you saw some improvement, so you can see that a further tweak will be worth the effort. Best of luck with it.

dimko

I am going to be cynical and brute, as usual guy next door.

Are you pretty? Are you fit? if no in any of those two - you have a major problem.
You have no reason to have confidence. Improve those whenever possible. Getting yourself out of comfort zone is needed to be successful. I am not here to spare feelings, but to help.

Improving fitness, it will help with confidence, may as well help with family issues(compensation).
There is nothing wrong with wanting family, however, don't show it to possible mates.

When comes to dating - it's tricky. Guy who didn't call back - he could have got a 'better one'(not necessary actually better than you). He could realize you are not what he was seeking.(that's what dating is for after all)

Best advises - I don't follow them myself. But forget about guys, become better person yourself. They will come into your life. And if they don't - just blame it on luck They will, if you are fit. You seem to have core of personality.

Have in mind, first guy on a date - is not someone who you will marry and have kids with. Kiss loads of frogs before finding prince.

At this time you sound desperate. People feel desperation. It needs to change somehow.

Sorry for not being all unicorns and little kittens kind, but life is hard. I don't hide from reality and I say things the way I see them.

LegacyUser

Op again. I would consider myself fit and while I am no model or anything close I have been told I am very pretty and when I am dressed up I look pretty well if I can say that without sounding big headed.
I hope I don't come across as being desperate as I think if I was I would be with the first guy who gives me any bit of attention. That would have been me in the past but as I have gotten older I have wished up.
I have gone to counselling before and it really helped build up my confidence and for the first time ever I liked who I was and I felt I was in a really good place. This latest rejection has knocked me back by a long shot so maybe it is time to return to the counsellor. But yet I feel like a I can't go to counselling every time something goes wrong in my life. I don't confide in many people and my friends would have no idea that I get like this.

dimko

neverworksout wrote: »

Op again. I would consider myself fit and while I am no model or anything close I have been told I am very pretty and when I am dressed up I look pretty well if I can say that without sounding big headed.
I hope I don't come across as being desperate as I think if I was I would be with the first guy who gives me any bit of attention. That would have been me in the past but as I have gotten older I have wished up.
I have gone to counselling before and it really helped build up my confidence and for the first time ever I liked who I was and I felt I was in a really good place. This latest rejection has knocked me back by a long shot so maybe it is time to return to the counsellor. But yet I feel like a I can't go to counselling every time something goes wrong in my life. I don't confide in many people and my friends would have no idea that I get like this.

Hey, i am not claiming you are. I am not getting all emotional and abuse you. I just say things the way I see. Perhaps you do need counseling, I am not in position to say that. You can probably know it better yourself. It's good that you are fit. Just get over fact that last a few relationships didn't work. Go on dating sites. As girls - you will have 20 guys to date in one session. So date all twenty of them
If you just do this, I don't think you will need counseling.

Like I said, kiss frogs to get to prince.

blacklilly

OP it's not up to someone else to advise you on whether or not you need counselling.
Some posters here who have posted so called "advice" need to be ignored.
You can do everything possible to "improve" yourself,make yourself a better person, a more attractive person but ultimately, meeting someone is down to luck. As clichéd and annoying as it sounds,it'll happen when it happens.
That's not to say you shouldn't make steps in developing yourself but don't do it with your centre focus being on attracting someone.

R.D. aka MR.D

Hi OP,

Fellow 28 year old daughter of a terrible mother here!

First things first, a husband and kids will not fill the hole inside of you that is left by the abuse you suffered. I know that's not what you want to hear. I read an article recently about 6 terrible reasons to have kids and having someone to love you was number one. The kid is born with a job that it didn't apply for.

You need to find a way to fill that hole on your own (in conjunction with husband and kids if you like) but they won't be the solution to the problem. I think that if you work on building yourself up, it will help in your search for a partner.

It will stop you from accepting less that acceptable behaviour, it will stop you from dwelling on guys who weren't right for you anyway.

You just have to look at a lot of posts on here. Marriage and kids does not automatically equal happiness. You can't rely on outside things to make you happy, it has to come from within. I know that sounds like hippie mumbo jumbo but I can tell you that I am 500 times happier than I was 5 years ago and it's because I focused on working on self and trying to repair the damage done to me when I was child. Within the last 5 years, I've also met my husband-to-be but that's only a compliment to my happiness and not the root of it.

That's just my 2 cents. It might not be what you want to hear but it's worked for me.