decisions decisions

Burnellboy

Hey guys and girls . Is anyone else in this predicament. Been engaged for three years now and sex has virtually disappeared. I mean she always has an excuse ... I'm lucky to get it once a month.. she spends 5 hours a day at work, 2+ hours watching tv, 2 hours playing on smartphone(Internet, facebook.i.e.) yet 15 minutes sexual contact is like asking somebody to help you move out of your 4th floor apartment. After 6 years I feel like i shouldnt have to beg, yet the rejection makes me feel as though it’s not even worth trying. I’m thinking im going to cheat, I just feel like I’m missing out. I crave the skin contact. Maybe I’m just crazy. What you think ? I keep myself healthy and fit I try look good . I'm not short of attention off girls so I'm beginning to think I'd be better off finding a bit on the side.

Ann84

Have you actually articulated the above to your fiancé... Cause that is really step 1 to resolving it.
I actually don't know why your thinking of cheating, if your that unhappy, why don't you break up with your fiancé and meet someone who does want to sleep with you?

bee06

Why don't you break up with her instead of cheating. You are clearly not sexually compatible and it sounds like neither of you is willing to change so why stay together?

Burnellboy

Well we have a child and a mortgage so breaking up with her is too messy. I love her dearly but she Just ignores my needs . I do dinners, clean up, pay the mortgage, run around after her constantly but it's never enough. I have brought it up to her but I just get the whole speech about how I'm selfish for asking for it. I've gotten that so much I've stopped asking its now been three months and still I'm waiting for her.

Ann84

Op, you didn't really answer the question I asked which is have you actually told her you are considering ending the relationship or looking elsewhere for a sexual relationship?

Also, the reasons above are not a justification to cheat, your just taking the easy road, not having to actually deal with your relationship problems and citing mortgages and kids as a reason to cheat... Come on now,

Cheating isn't going to fix anything and in the longer term, you may find yourself in a messier seperation

discus

Burnellboy wrote: »

I do dinners, clean up, pay the mortgage, run around after her constantly but it's never enough. I have brought it up to her but I just get the whole speech about how I'm selfish for asking for it. I've gotten that so much I've stopped asking its now been three months and still I'm waiting for her.

Read that, do you sound like a sexy proposition for your fiancé? You are basically following her around like a child, doing shit for her, hoping that she will reward you with sex. And it's not gonna happen.

Well we have a child and a mortgage so breaking up with her is too messy

How is it messy? You pay for everything anyway, so even if she stings you for child maintenance and mortgage (which is worst case scenario, in reality you may split the mortgage) you can still split and meet someone new... and learn from your mistakes

LegacyUser

So let me this get this right, your sexual relationship with your fiancé is non existent so you want to cheat or find someone to have sex with, yet you want to stay together because you got a child and house together? That's pretty messed up. Do yous even love each other anymore or are you just staying together for practical reasons i.e mortgage, kid etc ? If you are staying together for practical reasons I think you are likely to end up growing very bitter and hating each other. That's not a healthy environment to raise a kid.

Mourinho

discus wrote: »

Read that, do you sound like a sexy proposition for your fiancé? You are basically following her around like a child, doing shit for her, hoping that she will reward you with sex. And it's not gonna happen.

Ha and yet this one of the constantly adviced things to do on here to do more housework, etc and take the pressure off her.

You can't win it seems. You do nothing your a prick, you do it and your an unsexy wimp.

strandroad

Mourinho wrote: »

Ha and yet this one of the constantly adviced things to do on here to do more housework, etc and take the pressure off her.

You can't win it seems. You do nothing your a prick, you do it and your an unsexy wimp.

Housework should be shared by both parents because it's a fair thing to do, not used as sex currency of sorts... OP's fiance is working too it seems.

OP have you tried couple counselling? She's not just your fiance, you are your child's parents; you should try and mend it and potentially split if it doesn't work. Cheating is the worst option of all!

Mourinho

mhge wrote: »

Housework should be shared by both parents because it's a fair thing to do, not used as sex currency of sorts... OP's fiance is working too it seems.

OP have you tried couple counselling? She's not just your fiance, you are your child's parents; you should try and mend it and potentially split if it doesn't work. Cheating is the worst option of all!

Agreed.

But unfortunately often I've often seen posts on here where a wife won't have sex with the husband and a common one is oh how would she find you attractive OP if she's doing all the work and picking up after you the poor wee thing is probably stressed and she's basically playing your mother, pull your weight and work as equal partners and you might see a change.

R.D. aka MR.D

Yeah, I would stay away from the cheating especially if you have a child. When she inevitably finds out then it will create a poison that will have an impact on your child.

One day, it might end up with your child hating you because you didn't want things to be 'messy'.

Well, I'm sorry but they'll get messy anyways.

Try counselling and if that doesn't work then break up. A good co-parenting situation will be better for your child than two people who hate each other living under the same roof. Or one parent who resents the other. Or a cheater who either sets a bad example or becomes the source of hate because you've betrayed their mother and your family unit.

strandroad

Mourinho wrote: »

Agreed.

But unfortunately often I've often seen posts on here where a wife won't have sex with the husband and a common one is oh how would she find you attractive OP if she's doing all the work and picking up after you the poor wee thing is probably stressed and she's basically playing your mother, pull your weight and work as equal partners and you might see a change.

Eh there's a difference between "I'm doing housework because it's only fair and hopefully you can relax more" and "see I'm doing housework, when will you put out"...

LegacyUser

There is so much wrong with your thread op, don't even know where to begin.

"Im thinking I'm going to cheat" are you actually for real? What age are you? Grow up and be a good husband and work it out like an adult instead of going behind your wife's back.
Tell her this is a serious problem in your eyes, as sex is a very important part of a healthy relationship and marriage. If she can't see that then get a divorce, it's that simple.

If you are unwilling to do that I don't know what are advice you are looking for

beks101

Don't marry this woman until your sex issues are resolved. If they don't get resolved after reasonable time and effort on both your parts, break off the engagement and call it quits. Show her that you can't and won't accept a life without sex.

Lord knows this place sees enough sexless marriage threads. About one a week I'd say. And a feature of most of them is "things weren't great for a while...but I thought getting married would improve things."

CaraMay

It sounds like a dead duck tbh. If the girl doesn't want to have sex with you op then ye are just effectively flat mates. I don't think chemistry comes back once it's gone. There's no point getting married as it won't change anything. You need to tell her that the relationship is dead and why. She won't listen to you when you try to talk about the importance of intimacy so will she really care if ye break up? Probably not. There's no pint both of ye wasting your lives in a half arsed relationship.

radiata

Dump her

Sleepy

I love how quick some posters here are to advise the OP to break up with his fiancée, move out and get on with his life without a thought for how hard this is for men in Ireland.

Leaving her means leaving his child and becoming a part-time father, if even that! Have you got guardianship OP? Is your name on the birth-cert? Is your fiancée likely to play fair in terms of access or to use the child as a weapon against you?

Financially, can you afford to run two households? Is she likely to decide she's better off on social welfare with you paying maintenance and even palimony? Even though you never married, she may be entitled to this if you've cohabited for any length of time. As you mention she only works 5 hours a day, I'm guess you're the primary earner so unless you've an extremely high salary this should be something you think about.

There's also the rarely-mentioned possibility (likelihood?) of her finding a new partner and him becoming a step-father to your child. Should this happen, he'll see more of them than you, will realistically have just as much influence on their life as you do and even if he's a total scumbag with a criminal history, you have no say in his playing a major role in your child's life.

Leaving your fiancée will "free" you up to sleep with other people but it'll also likely leave you broke and playing a supporting role in your child's life. It's not a choice to be made lightly and of course it can make cheating seem like a viable idea. It's a coin toss as to whether she'll be reasonable if you go for an "amicable" separation but it's almost guaranteed she'll ruin your life should she catch you cheating.

It's a sad fact of life for men in Ireland that if you care for your child(ren), their mother has you by the balls. You need relationship counselling to address the lack of sex in the relationship, it's not healthy (but reading this forum has me convinced it's not exactly unusual either) but be very careful about saying you're prepared to end the relationship if it's not addressed. You might well find yourself in some shabby bedsit longing for the days when you only had sex once a month and your kids still loved you.

Communication is key here. Maybe she's having some self confidence issues after the impact of childbirth on her body, maybe she needs to eat better / get some exercise to boost her energy levels, maybe the pill is killing her libido etc. All can all be addressed with some communication, medical help and patience.

Of course it's possible that she just doesn't fancy you any more (or as women are more inclined to put it "loves you but isn't in love with you") but wants the "normality" of the nuclear family, your financial support and is so afraid of being alone she's happy to forego a healthy sexual relationship in order to have a father to her child and someone to sit beside on the couch in the evenings. With proper communication, you might find she's okay with an open marriage or the more traditional "don't ask, don't tell" scenario where she'll overlook extra-marital sex once it's discreet. You may even find that she'll be perfectly amicable and will work with you to co-parent your children in a sensible fashion.

Cheating is entirely understandable in your situation but it's extremely risky and, not really a solution to the problem.

Ann84

Sleepy wrote: »

I love how quick some posters here are to advise the OP to break up with his fiancée, move out and get on with his life without a thought for how hard this is for men in Ireland.

Leaving her means leaving his child and becoming a part-time father, if even that! Have you got guardianship OP? Is your name on the birth-cert? Is your fiancée likely to play fair in terms of access or to use the child as a weapon against you?

Financially, can you afford to run two households? Is she likely to decide she's better off on social welfare with you paying maintenance and even palimony? Even though you never married, she may be entitled to this if you've cohabited for any length of time. As you mention she only works 5 hours a day, I'm guess you're the primary earner so unless you've an extremely high salary this should be something you think about.

There's also the rarely-mentioned possibility (likelihood?) of her finding a new partner and him becoming a step-father to your child. Should this happen, he'll see more of them than you, will realistically have just as much influence on their life as you do and even if he's a total scumbag with a criminal history, you have no say in his playing a major role in your child's life.

Leaving your fiancée will "free" you up to sleep with other people but it'll also likely leave you broke and playing a supporting role in your child's life. It's not a choice to be made lightly and of course it can make cheating seem like a viable idea. It's a coin toss as to whether she'll be reasonable if you go for an "amicable" separation but it's almost guaranteed she'll ruin your life should she catch you cheating.

It's a sad fact of life for men in Ireland that if you care for your child(ren), their mother has you by the balls. You need relationship counselling to address the lack of sex in the relationship, it's not healthy (but reading this forum has me convinced it's not exactly unusual either) but be very careful about saying you're prepared to end the relationship if it's not addressed. You might well find yourself in some shabby bedsit longing for the days when you only had sex once a month and your kids still loved you.

Communication is key here. Maybe she's having some self confidence issues after the impact of childbirth on her body, maybe she needs to eat better / get some exercise to boost her energy levels, maybe the pill is killing her libido etc. All can all be addressed with some communication, medical help and patience.

Of course it's possible that she just doesn't fancy you any more (or as women are more inclined to put it "loves you but isn't in love with you") but wants the "normality" of the nuclear family, your financial support and is so afraid of being alone she's happy to forego a healthy sexual relationship in order to have a father to her child and someone to sit beside on the couch in the evenings. With proper communication, you might find she's okay with an open marriage or the more traditional "don't ask, don't tell" scenario where she'll overlook extra-marital sex once it's discreet. You may even find that she'll be perfectly amicable and will work with you to co-parent your children in a sensible fashion.

Cheating is entirely understandable in your situation but it's extremely risky and, not really a solution to the problem.

This is worst case scenario - if he talks to his partner and they come to the conclusion the relationship is over together then there is no reason they couldn't seperate amicably.

He could get joint custody and guardianship, share parent and both he and she could find new partners.
Yes, he will be a part-time parent but there is no way around that when parents separate, he could end up doing 50/50 though and as for money and maintenance, not all women are money grabbers out to bankrupt their exs, some are fully capable of standing on their own two feet...

Op, at the end of the day, I wouldn't waste my life in an unhappy unfulfilling relationship for any of the above but maybe that's because I'm a woman who share parents 50/50 and doesn't take any money from my ex and is now engaged to someone who makes me happy and visa versa...!

It'll be a lot better than if he gets caught cheating....

Sleepy

Ann84 wrote: »

This is worst case scenario - if he talks to his partner and they come to the conclusion the relationship is over together then there is no reason they couldn't seperate amicably.

Yes, it is. But it's a very common one. Many people don't do "amicable" when relationships end.

He could get joint custody and guardianship, share parent and both he and she could find new partners.
Yes, he will be a part-time parent but there is no way around that when parents separate, he could end up doing 50/50 though and as for money and maintenance, not all women are money grabbers out to bankrupt their exs, some are fully capable of standing on their own two feet...

Yes, he could be lucky and she won't fight his request for guardianship, will facilitate his access and won't try to abuse him with maintenance orders. My wife is like this with my step-son's Dad but most people express shock at how amicable we all are (he actually stood as one of my grooms-men at the wedding), it's sadly the exception rather than the rule in my experience.

That said, even with the best will in the world, given that the OP's fiancée is only working 5 hours a day it seems unlikely that she wouldn't be reliant on him for a high level of maintenance in order to maintain their current lifestyle or anything close to it so it's fairly likely she'll be financially dependent on him to some extent.

Op, at the end of the day, I wouldn't waste my life in an unhappy unfulfilling relationship for any of the above but maybe that's because I'm a woman who share parents 50/50 and doesn't take any money from my ex and is now engaged to someone who makes me happy and visa versa...!

In all fairness, the important part of that sentence is the three words that follow the word "because". You're a woman. As such, custody is seen as yours to share and you won't be held accountable should you choose to violate access orders. It's great that you're a decent person that chooses not to exploit the advantages the law gives you but can you really advise the OP that his fiancée will do the same?

We don't have the phrase "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" for no reason and while some might regard a woman justified in unleashing that fury when her partner cheats on her, unfortunately there's little a man can do to defend himself or his relationship with his kids should she choose to unleash it when he's reasonably pointing out that their relationship is broken.

marklazarcovic

<SNIP>

Ann84

Sleepy wrote: »

We don't have the phrase "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" for no reason and while some might regard a woman justified in unleashing that fury when her partner cheats on her, unfortunately there's little a man can do to defend himself or his relationship with his kids should she choose to unleash it when he's reasonably pointing out that their relationship is broken.

There is no excuse for a woman to use her child to unleash wrath - however that phase is why I advise the op to not cheat but if he's not happy, he needs to articulate this and hopefully she will conclude the relationship is fixable or is over also which starts an amicable sepetation...
Approaches like cheating or outbursts of 'it's over goodbye' will spark conflict...

Actually trying to talk to his partner and explaining he doesnt want to love unhappily, organising mediation/ counselling and refusing to go on with the wedding will be productive.
No he cannot control how she decided to behave but he can work to minimise anger...
Cheating is not a good way to do this...

Ken.

Couple of questions op.
How old is the child? Post natal depression might be an issue.

Which leads me to question 2. How were things before the child arrived?

dudara

@radiata - one liner posts are not welcome in this forum. Please focus on offering constructive, considered advice to the OP

dudara

Voltex

OP..if you read into your post, Id guess that the concept of cheating is just a way of you vocalising your frustrations, and if it really came down to it you'd actually stay faithful?

The importance of sex in a relationship suffers a terrible dichotomy between male and females. To men its a very important part of the overall relationship..and this perception ranks fairly high on the overall scale of things. To women its a bolt on...its something they will do when in the "mood" (Ive purposely put mood in inverted commas to allow for a range of interpretations).

I suppose from the perspective of the OP - he needs to try and get his partner to accept that a sexual relationship is very important to him..to his needs and his overall sense of worth and value. Now this is tricky..cause without rules set down for how the conversation will be conducted from the outset, these conversations can often descend into rows and arguments. For his part, the OP must be willing to accept that women hold different and higher valuations of their feelings rather than men....and thats its not just about how much housework is done or how much money you put into the kitty this week...its about making her feel loved, valued, cared for..like giving her a hug (with no sexual intent) or just doing something nice like bringing her a cup of tea.

Key to it all is an understanding and acceptance that both your own feelings and needs are just as important hers. OP..the best advice I ever took was when reading a book on Quantum Mechanics. It basically stated that the stuff you read about the quantum world probably wont make sense to you and will often be counter intuitive, but its how it works and you just need to accept it. Ive taken that dogma and applied to my own relationship I'm hoping in a successful way as Ive been with my wife for 14 years now and we have a great relationship overall.