Partners weekends away and lack of for me

LegacyUser

Hi,

This is not an issue that's causing any strife in our relationship , Currently married a year with my wife and we get on great, no issues, all good, in our early 30s, if that matters. We have a baby also. My partner had always a large set of friends, she's in a many different social groups where as I have a core set of 3-4 friends. Anyway, all good with my lot. Through our the years she'd be the one more active at xmas with nights out due to these varying sets of friends and that, so lots of opportunities to go out. Weekends away throughout the years and so on.

Anyway i notice this year she had planned a weekend away abroad with some friends, all good, no issue with that. More recently she's talking about 2 more weekends away with other sets of friends. Now, don't get me wrong I'm not the controlling type but i'm kinda feeling bothered by this because I foresee myself being the one stuck in at weekends while she maintains her healthy social life, am I wrong in thinking 3 weekends away is excessive? Not to mention there are also 2 friends getting married next year and the hens will be abroad, though she's not mentioned it yet. I'll assume she'll go, so thats now 5 weekends.

Now, i mentioned my own friends for a reason, basically trying to get these lads away for a weekend is like pulling teeth, for many reasons, it just does not happen easy. So i'm left thinking, i'd probably be okay with a few weekends away (not sure about 5) if I could also get the odd break away, but it's not working out so easy for me. So maybe I should get more into 1 or 2 of the hobbies that I enjoy and use that as an opportunity to escape? I really don't have outlets i can use.

So I'm really looking for a reality check here, I assume this is more my problem right? I guess I don't want a future where I'm basically at home every weekend when she has the opportunity to go away so often. I think there needs to be a balance and I need to create one, not sure how.

athtrasna

I wouldn't be counting minutes but it occurs to me that it should be closer to 50/50 on shared events

CaraMay

You seem to want to curtail her weekends because you're not in the position to go away, due to the fact your friends won't.

I really don't see why you have an issue with this.

intheclouds

My husband has long weekends away with a hobby group he is a part of.

Tbh I love it! I love having the place to myself for a long weekend. I always have films ready and either get a great takeaway or make something I love to eat, or maybe organise a nite out with a girlfriend.

I like a bit of space now and then. I also enjoy the homecoming, usually excited to see each other.

Maybe you don't like it because you'd like to be included or you feel like you are missing fun?

miamee

Why don't you suggest some weekends away together rather than always separately?

Are you genuinely ok with these weekends away your wife goes on? Can you afford for her to be going away so often or is it taking away from cash that might have been sent on a family break away? Your friends being unavailable is not your wife's fault so asking her to curtail her breaks simply because you can't match them woth your own friends seems a little petty.

LegacyUser

How young is your baby OP?

It must be tough always being the one left at home on your own for entire weekends to look after the baby and I could see how a person could grow a little resentful over that.

It would be fairer if there was a more equal split in your socialising, although it's a tough one because your wife doesn't seem to be stopping you it's just your own friends are less social than her friends.

I think you should definitely try to arrange more little breaks or even fun activities for just the two of you to do together if you can manage to find a babysitter. It's important ye get time to spend together as a couple too not just separately.

I also think you should try to expand your social circle and maybe befriend some people who would be more willing to go on an occasional break away with you, maybe through a hobby or just a meetup friend group or something with people who like the same concerts or places or activities that you do.

I don't think you sound controlling at all. If your baby is very young, it's not unreasonable to get a little bit miffed at being the only one who is always left to mind the baby while the other partner has constant fun nights out and weekends away.

I know it's not your wife's fault either if she just has a lot of friends, but it would be nice if ye could prioritise both of ye getting getting a night out together or a small break instead of just one person getting all the fun.

DukeOfTheSharp

This is a tough one, I think the biggest question I have is whether or not this impacts your finances or whether this is a case of her having her own money to do this? After that, I'd wonder why she think it's ok to spend three-plus weekends away, but not one of them involves you? I kind of get a hint of overblown sense of independence off of her from your description; she loves the freedom, but doesn't understand the consequence or what her actions may do to her marriage.

The thing about this that rubs me the wrong way is how ready she is to up and leave you for these weekends, just to saunter back in and continue to take you for granted. Do you often spend weekends together? Have date nights? Go out to dinner? A movie? Or do you feel her 'active' social life is becoming over-active? I'm not married, but I've been in a number of relationships where partners upped their nights out and weekends away and were shocked when the relationship tanked. I think you need to stop the thoughts about your social life and place the emphasis on hers. The fact that you've to qualify your statement about 'not being controlling' is worrying to me, as I've been in that exact state of mind, and yet always felt that any issue I ever had was my own, when the opposite was true. The truth is that you try to say this isn't bothering you, but it actually is; you're bothered that this could become the norm, and you seem to want something a little bit more balanced. Your best bet is to sit down and talk to her about it, and tell her that three weekends in a row is a bit much, that you'd like to actually like to spend time with her and that you're concerned that your marriage will eventually become one-sided. Preempt any rebuttal about this being your problem - it really isn't - you don't mind her doing her own thing, it's the extent that's the problem. You're not asking her to stop outright, but to work with you to actually have a marriage where you're not sitting at home more than one weekend a month alone, which I'd imagine she'd dislike, given her excessive social life.

LegacyUser

I don't really see anything wrong, your wife seems to have a bigger social outlet than you. My hubby is a very outgoing and social and would have a much bigger network of friends than I would. He is always doing stuff with his mates whereas I'm a lot more introverted and just like doing stuff by myself.
Have you suggested going away on weekends together ? Do you have any hobbies or are you interested in taking up anything new that would get you out of the house at weekends?

CaraMay

He never said they were 3 weekends in a row.

DukeOfTheSharp

CaraMay wrote: »

He never said they were 3 weekends in a row.

Ah my bad, from the way it was written it seemed to all flow together, which isn't necessarily a good sign either. Correcting now.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Is it that you have a problem with being left with the baby? I could see how it'd be frustrating that you get left doing a lot of heavy lifting on that front because of the difference in your social lives. But 'stop having more friends than me' probably won't go down well.

But maybe a conversation about how you'd like to take the odd weekend for a bit of personal space, even just to focus on a hobby or just go to the cinema or whatever, I don't think that's unreasonable.

R.D. aka MR.D

To be honest, I think this is entirely your own problem.

It's not your wife's fault that you aren't as socially active as her.

It doesn't appear from your post that she would have any problem with you going away more. It's just that you are begrudging her social life. How is that her fault? Why should she give that up?

Is your ideal scenario that she just sits at home with you and the baby? Growing bored and resentful?

Am I missing something here? Is she not pulling her weight in other ways? IS she spending money that you can't afford?

5 weekends away out of 52 doesn't seem excessive by any means. I mean that leaves you 47 weekends to choose to go away and then if you matched her 5, that would still be 42 weekends spent with the baby. Seems fairly reasonable to me.

melissak

Is your wife a stay at home mother while you work? If this is the case she possibly feels the need to reclaim some of her own autonomy. It can be easy to slip into a rut of just being mammy instead of your own person. This might not be healthy and could lead to resentment towards you in the long run. Does she mind the notion of you going off on weekends. Do you have a fairly even split of childminding chores etc or do you think she feels the need to go away for some time off?