School trying to get son NOT to sing in carol service

Sunny Dayz

I'm fuming here at the moment.
My son's school have been practicing this last few days for carol service at the end of the week. His teacher had asked him yesterday to stay behind in the school on the day of the service with one other pupil (a friend of his) who doesn't want to go carol singing. Himself said he didn't want to stay back in school and he wanted to go carol signing. His teacher then said that he could do the collection bucket instead. My son said to me that he "wants to carol sing with his friends". While it wasn't said outright to him, my son feels he was more or less being asked not to sing because his voice is deepening.
My other half drops him off at school in the mornings and spoke to the principal. He got the impression that she just brushed it off, they said they thought he might like to stay with his friend, their response was: sure isn't he going now, he can sing when he's doing the bucket collection.

Diamond Doll

Oh god. I remember being in school choir, maybe around 10 years old. Singing my little heart out.

The teacher stopped us all. Asked us to start again. And again. Then picked me out and told me to "just mouth it, don't sing, in future." Then continued with the practice for the show.

In fairness I was tone deaf, totally tuneless. But it was a really horrible feeling.

I'm 30 now and it's stuck with me. And actually, you posting this has made me a bit annoyed over it! A kids carol service should be about the kids, they're not supposed to be musical professionals, they're supposed to be having fun. I think you're completely justified in being pissed off over this.

Sunny Dayz

I remember well being his age. I'm useless at singing but I still like to sing in the car on my own. I enjoyed going carol singing each year. I remember the boys weren't fussed about it when they got to 5th/6th class and they used to either mime or offer to do the collections. But himself wants to sing.

LegacyUser

Chalk it down to a valuable lesson in life he is learning from a young age. It will make him stronger and more capable of dealing with rejection later on in life. Teacher also needs to relax, as you say it is a children's carol service.

farmchoice

ya i remember this as well, '' for god sake stop singing just mime'' he was right though i hadn't a note in my head, still don't. i was once asked by my mates to stop signing the national anthem at matches as it was ruining it for them!!

still though i'd hate for my own lad to be made feel bad about himself, but then i suppose we get to an age when we start having to face certain things about ourselves, not everyone can sing, not everyone can be on the starting 15.
if its something he really want to pursue and get better at then singing lessons might help.

bp

I got told the same....honestly never bothered me. Always at the back for dances and told to mime...I cannot sing....the choir sounded better without me

How old is your son? As in primary or secondary school?

Sunny Dayz

Gosh I know about not being able to sing! I can't myself and used to just sing quieter or mime in choir but used to enjoy the music and being with my friends etc. The teacher could have took him to one side and said to sing a bit quieter so everyone could be heard. Not tell him he can't sing and that he's not taking part in the carol singing. It's not the XFactor they're singing in!

Sunny Dayz

He's in primary, 11 y/o.

bp

Sunny Dayz wrote: »

He's in primary, 11 y/o.

Ok I would be annoyed about it too - primary school are still kids and should be included and asked to sing quietly or told his voice is deepening so to sing in a low voice.

Diamond Doll

bp wrote: »

I got told the same....honestly never bothered me. Always at the back for dances and told to mime...I cannot sing....the choir sounded better without me

The thing is, though, kids are different. You were told that, and it honestly never bothered you. I was told that, and being reminded of it in this thread brought back a really deep sense of shame and mortification and unworthiness that I felt at the time. That I mightn't have felt if the teacher hadn't singled me out that time.

I'm battling extreme mental health issues at the moment, and working closely with a specialist counsellor who is really making me focus on my childhood. At first I glossed over it all - "I had a great, happy, healthy childhood." But instances like that choir thing actually really stand out for me, when the counsellor digs deeper.

I'm not saying in ANY way that that teacher, or that incident, or any particular incident made me the way I am now. It's no one's fault. But ... because I remember it, and because I still have very strong feelings thinking about it, I mean it obviously had an effect on me.

Most kids are fine with that sort of (even indirect) criticism, but there might always be that one or two or three children in the class that aren't. I don't think it's worth damaging them for the sake of a perfect recital!

jezzer

Sunny Dayz wrote: »

I'm fuming here at the moment.
My son's school have been practicing this last few days for carol service at the end of the week. His teacher had asked him yesterday to stay behind in the school on the day of the service with one other pupil (a friend of his) who doesn't want to go carol singing. Himself said he didn't want to stay back in school and he wanted to go carol signing. His teacher then said that he could do the collection bucket instead. My son said to me that he "wants to carol sing with his friends". While it wasn't said outright to him, my son feels he was more or less being asked not to sing because his voice is deepening.
My other half drops him off at school in the mornings and spoke to the principal. He got the impression that she just brushed it off, they said they thought he might like to stay with his friend, their response was: sure isn't he going now, he can sing when he's doing the bucket collection.

its a horrible situation but in a choir nobody would notice he cant sign so they should just let him, probably a teacher on a little power trip as usual

mordeith

Primary school choirs are in general terrible anyway. Everyone should be allowed sing.

jezzer

mordeith wrote: »

Primary school choirs are in general terrible anyway. Everyone should be allowed sing.

its only for a bit of fun, nobody is actually going to be judging the singing except some fool of a teacher thinks she is the bees knees being in charge

mitresize5

Same happened to me as a kid - told to mime as well one year and given an elephants head as part of my costume another year :-)

My own person opinion, and one I'm sure not shared by others, is its ok for kids to work out they are not good at everything, the aren't always winners and sometimes life isn't all bells and whistles. Life is full of disappointments, but that's just life.

I'm sure your little lad is better than others who have to sit on the side lines in other aspects (sports teams etc....)

In my opinion its all part of growing and I wouldn't be bothered about it.

Milly33

That is horrible I must say, things like this have a real effect on kids.. The one time I piped up and said I would audition as such to sing in a play, I snuck up to the teacher and asked could I have a few moments to audition, she laughed at me and said you sing.. Hence many years later I never sing in public or feel comfortable doing it...

Really nasty of the teacher to do this to your son it doesn't matter if he cant sing, if he wants to sing then he should be allowed to sing...

bp

Diamond Doll wrote: »

The thing is, though, kids are different. You were told that, and it honestly never bothered you. I was told that, and being reminded of it in this thread brought back a really deep sense of shame and mortification and unworthiness that I felt at the time. That I mightn't have felt if the teacher hadn't singled me out that time.

I'm battling extreme mental health issues at the moment, and working closely with a specialist counsellor who is really making me focus on my childhood. At first I glossed over it all - "I had a great, happy, healthy childhood." But instances like that choir thing actually really stand out for me, when the counsellor digs deeper.

I'm not saying in ANY way that that teacher, or that incident, or any particular incident made me the way I am now. It's no one's fault. But ... because I remember it, and because I still have very strong feelings thinking about it, I mean it obviously had an effect on me.

Most kids are fine with that sort of (even indirect) criticism, but there might always be that one or two or three children in the class that aren't. I don't think it's worth damaging them for the sake of a perfect recital!

I agree and it also depends on the age of the child. I was in secondary school at the time, but the OP said primary school after I posted and I think that is too young to exclude a child. A primary school choir is just sweet let them sing their little hearts out.

I assumed it was secondary school as I didn't think it would be done to a younger child

Milly33

Kids are so fragile, you should ask to meet the teacher for a one and one conversation...

lollpop

I think you should approach the school too. It sounds like he is the only child not involved (other than the child who doesn't want to be) and thats very unfair and very isolating.

Sunny Dayz

My mother collects him in the afternoon as we are both in work. She went and spoke to the teacher who said that they have a limit on how many are allowed sing at the venue (!), that most of the other boys in his class didn't want to sing (which doesn't agree with what he told us) and that she didn't meant to offend himself. Well none of this was said to my husband this morning by the Principle...

Milly33

Yeah sounds like they are covering up, I would insist he sings and she should really maybe say something to him so that he doesn't feel bad over it. Evening making something up just so he doesn't take it to heart

KatW4

As a primary school teacher, I'd never do this. Everyone should be let sing whether they can sing or can't sing. He should be allowed to take part! I'd speak to them again and insist that he takes part. I'm actually shocked that a school would do that!

mirrorwall14

I don't want to be on anyone's side here but as someone who often organised carol singing the venues usually do have a limit on numbers. I agree this was clearly not the most diplomatic of approaches to the problem tho

rainbowtrout

Sounds like the school is just making up a BS excuse. Particularly if he was the only one excluded and then the teacher told him he could do the bucket collection, which would mean he would be at the venue with the choir.

The music teacher in my school (secondary) would never do that to a student, even though they are older. I remember a couple of years back we were having a christmas carol service in the local church. One lad asked the teacher if he could sing with one of the groups. He didn't have a note in his head, and also would have been a bit of a messer and not one to sign up for the choir. She was trying to be diplomatic about what to do with him, when he told her his granny was very excited about seeing him singing in the church.

So she put him with a group, made sure the position he was standing in was nowhere near the microphones, he sung his heart out, was beaming from the altar. One happy boy, one happy granny, no bum notes to be heard. Everyone's a winner.

There's always a way if the teacher could be bothered. Personally I think the teacher excluding one child from the activity is far worse than the whole being able to sing or not.