What qualifies as "alcoholic"??

trixychic

Ok so this has bugged me for years but I don't really know where to go or what to do.

So my mum drinks. I don't know if you would call it alcoholic or not. She would drink everyday but is a major lightweight so only manages 2 (ish) pints. Could be more could be less.

It is every day at night. She heads down to the local and comes home. She will still get up next day at a reasonable hour and so what she must.

I have heard rumors of her drink driving although she claims to be under the limit. Myself and my siblings have confronted her about it on many occasions but she snaps and rejects all notions.

When she is drinking she is generally happy around others but alone she can get very vicious. She has verbally attacked all of us on many occasions but seems to "forget" in the morning or is just not wanting to talk about it.

Would she be an alcoholic??? We are unsure of how to go forward. There is no talking to her at all. And the drink driving scares me. She may be under the national limit but she would still be drunk.

ted1

trixychic wrote: »

Ok so this has bugged me for years but I don't really know where to go or what to do.

So my mum drinks. I don't know if you would call it alcoholic or not. She would drink everyday but is a major lightweight so only manages 2 (ish) pints. Could be more could be less.

It is every day at night. She heads down to the local and comes home. She will still get up next day at a reasonable hour and so what she must.

I have heard rumors of her drink driving although she claims to be under the limit. Myself and my siblings have confronted her about it on many occasions but she snaps and rejects all notions.

When she is drinking she is generally happy around others but alone she can get very vicious. She has verbally attacked all of us on many occasions but seems to "forget" in the morning or is just not wanting to talk about it.

Would she be an alcoholic??? We are unsure of how to go forward. There is no talking to her at all. And the drink driving scares me. She may be under the national limit but she would still be drunk.

in my opinion its some one whose drinking has a negative effect in their life or those close to them

Into The Blue

If she can see it's upsetting her kids and still does it, then yes, she has an issue.

What age are ye? Is your dad about?

jopax

Hi op,

That's a horrible position for you & your siblings to be in, my heart goes out to you.
I don't know whether you can call her an alcoholic or not, she definitely has a drink problem. I don't think there is a big difference to be honest.
The worst thing about this situation is, there isn't anything you can do. The only thing you can do is look after yourselves. I know this sounds really harsh, but I've been there & worn the tee-shirt.
I wasted all my adolescents years and a lot of my adult years trying in vain to help my mother, and the only thing that changed was I ended up suffering with clinical depression.
You can try again to chat & suggest she needs help, but other than that there is nothing you can do.
She has to want or admit she needs help, & she sounds in complete denial.
Also alcoholism is a progressive disease, so although she may only drink 2 pints now, the fact is, it will get worse not better.
Do you have a father in the picture that you could talk to, or an aunt or uncle maybe?

trixychic

Thanks for the replies. I am the oldest at 25. The youngest is 16. There are 4 of us. My dad and her split when I was 10 and they hate each others guts. She is now with a guy who drinks to the same amount as her. So no point in talking to him.

As for other family she has already lost contact with 4 out of 5 of her own siblings and the one she does talk to is the other side of Ireland. They see each other once or twice a yr. I think he prefers to stay out of the way.

I have often just wondered if alcoholic was the right term but maybe not. She is an alcohol abuser maybe.

I have 2 sons so we keep out of her way and see her as little as possible. The next one down to me lives in Scotland now... She had to get out. The next sister down live a mainly with her bf but it is looking like she is living in my mum's footsteps... although she hates my mum for her behaviour. The youngest is still living with her and is in 5th yr. He keeps to his room and plays on his computer but that's it.

Lux23

If she gets drunk at two pints then she is probably the same as an alcoholic that has ten pints! Like another poster said it is the damage you do to relationships that signifies a problem with drink not the amount.

Into The Blue

Would it be feasible for the 16 yr old to live with the dad? Or at least threaten to, might wake mam up a bit?

trixychic

Into The Blue wrote: »

Would it be feasible for the 16 yr old to live with the dad? Or at least threaten to, might wake mam up a bit?

That has already gone through court. She fought him and lied. My brother and sisters don't want to go against her. She can be very fragile. I don't know if it's fear or pity but they all stayed with her until they got out of school.

She is very manipulating and dad didn't fight hard enough in the custody battle. Mum blames me a bit as she wanted me to testify against him.

He is no saint either. He attacked me when I was 16 and we had a very bad relationship back then. It is much better now. I think mum had turned us all against him for a time.

Things are better now with him but he lives in a 1 bed studio. He isnt in a position to take on my brother. Unfortunately.

jopax

Hi op,

Really sorry to hear that the family is so split, it certainly doesn't help that you have no one inside the family to turn to.
Just do what you can for your youngest brother in the house, very sad to think of him living with that.
The whole situation is very toxic, its just a big mess, I would have found similarities with a lot of hatred and anger growing up.
Also, you don't know for sure if she is only drinking 2 pints, she could drink in secret and just be topping herself up with a pint.
A doctor told me years ago that someone with a drinking problem can be very manipulative too, something keep in mind too.
I do wish you & your siblings all the best, I wish I there was an answer to this horrible situation.

screamer

OP anyone who has to drink every day is an alcoholic and unfortunately there is no helping an alcoholic until they realise they have a problem and that they need help. Every alcoholic has at least one enabler a person who facilitates their drinking by taking over daily duties for them or in your mother's case accompanies them to the pub. Maybe if she gets breathalised one night it may make her cop on. I think the best thing you can do is help your littlest sibling I know if it were me id have them living with me and out of that very toxic environment.

trixychic

screamer wrote: »

OP anyone who has to drink every day is an alcoholic and unfortunately there is no helping an alcoholic until they realise they have a problem and that they need help. Every alcoholic has at least one enabler a person who facilitates their drinking by taking over daily duties for them or in your mother's case accompanies them to the pub. Maybe if she gets breathalised one night it may make her cop on. I think the best thing you can do is help your littlest sibling I know if it were me id have them living with me and out of that very toxic environment.

I have been fantasisng about calling the gardai and telling them to set up a spot check on her road home. Eeek

ceadaoin.

Her behaviour sounds pretty extreme for someone only drinking 2 pints. It would be rare for someone to still have such a low tolerance despite drinking everyday. Are you sure she isnt drinking more than she says?

Diamond Doll

As concerns have been raised about her drinking, and as she's being defensive about it, it's extremely likely that by now she's drinking a lot more than you or anyone else is aware. She could be knocking back any amount of drink before/during/after her "two pints in the pub", safe in the knowledge that any smell of alcohol on her breath or any irrational behaviour can be blamed on what could be perceived as a normal, sociable drinking pattern.

Even if she isn't drinking more than that, alcoholism doesn't depend on the amount you drink, or the frequency with which you drink. It's more to do with your reasons for drinking and your relationship with alcohol. You can be a daily drinker and not be an alcoholic; likewise you can be an alcoholic who goes on a bender once a year but is sober the rest of the time.

In the vast, vast majority of cases, if family members have concerns about someone's drinking - and if those concerns are voiced, and the person makes no effort to address the concerns by stopping or cutting down on the drinking - then yes, there's a problem there.

I've heard the timeline of alcoholism described as follows ... it starts off with a person being a Social Drinker. A normal person, who enjoys a couple of drinks but who can take them or leave them. Then comes Alcohol Misuse, i.e. binges. Isolated occurrences at first, but the incidents become more and more frequent ... until the drinker is in the stage of Alcohol Abuse. The drinker needs to reach intoxication on a regular basis, and prioritises their habits above all else ... until a line is crossed, and they reach a state of Alcohol Dependency.

Some problem drinkers never reach the stage of Alcohol Dependency. By the sounds of it, your mum is somewhere in between Alcohol Abuse and Alcohol Dependency.

What can you do for her? Very little. Unless she comes to a point where she seeks help herself, she is unlikely to accept it. Consider attending an Al-Anon meeting - these are AA meetings for family members and friends of problem drinkers. They are held very frequently all around the country. A lot of people find them very helpful. A lot of people initially attend them with the hope that they'll find out some "tricks" or ideas to help their loved one stop drinking - this isn't the case. It's more about accepting that their problem is out of your control.

I think the important thing for you to do is focus on your younger brother. Do what you can to support him emotionally, and if possible, have him stay with you occasionally to give him a safe alcohol-free environment. There are also Alateen meetings with he can attend (similar to above, AA meetings but specifically for teenagers) - then again, if he isn't upset about his mum's drinking, maybe it wouldn't be a good idea to draw attention to it - I'm sure you'll know yourself if it's the right thing for him!

There are plenty of resources out there that can help your mum with her problem - if she chooses to seek them. AA, Lifering, and her GP would be good places to start. However it's not going to happen until she seeks the help herself.

getaroom

my father was life and soul of the party when others were around, but at home hed go out of his way to embarrass us in front of others.
Fall up stairs drunk at sisters dancing classes demanding my mother go home and cook his dinner.
Get melancholy when we were in bed (kids), "its just u and me against the world" "nobody like us". Aunts uncles all knew, theyd buy him whiskey. On a Friday have to have a few pints cos it was a good week, next friday had to have a few pints cos he had a bad week.

What is it with the irish and whiskey? Why do people give alcohol as presents? Just thinking about it is giving me an anxiety attack.

trixychic

ceadaoin. wrote: »

Her behaviour sounds pretty extreme for someone only drinking 2 pints. It would be rare for someone to still have such a low tolerance despite drinking everyday. Are you sure she isnt drinking more than she says?

She could be. The drinking started in my teens. It began as one can once a week. Then a can a night. Then 2 cans a night. I was kicked out of the house then when she came home one night. I was 17. So I really do keep as far as possible while still letting her have a very basic and supervised relationship with my sons.

She could be drinking tons more but I wouldn't know. I don't ask and even if I did she is a very very skilled liar. I don't trust anything she says any more. It's a bad situation but we deal as best we can.

intheclouds

getaroom wrote: »

my father was life and soul of the party when others were around, but at home hed go out of his way to embarrass us in front of others.
Fall up stairs drunk at sisters dancing classes demanding my mother go home and cook his dinner.
Get melancholy when we were in bed (kids), "its just u and me against the world" "nobody like us". Aunts uncles all knew, theyd buy him whiskey. On a Friday have to have a few pints cos it was a good week, next friday had to have a few pints cos he had a bad week.

^^ Same life here. I can remember relations bringing my father alcohol in hospital when he was admitted with alcoholic poisoning!

Diamond Doll wrote: »

As concerns have been raised about her drinking, and as she's being defensive about it, it's extremely likely that by now she's drinking a lot more than you or anyone else is aware.

^^This.

My father had "2 drinks" in the pub or at home every night. He also knocked back bottles of spirits behind our backs. The first time he was admitted to hospital after collapsing in the street with alcoholic poisoning I found over 200 empty bottles hidden around his house. Over 200. They were literally everywhere. Pushed down the backs of couches, chairs, in the hot press, behind the plumbing in the bathroom, on the tops of curtain rails, behind food in cupboards, littered throughout his wardrobe, under all the beds, between the mattress and base of many beds, round the garden, under and behind anything you can think of.

All that time (and for years before when he was disposing of bottles further afield) he maintained he has 2 drinks a night.

Your mother has a problem, but you cant help her. Only she can help herself. I would advise you and your siblings to go to Alanon and learn the tools to help yourselves, learn how not to enable her etc...

trixychic

Thanks for all the words of support. My brother should be out of the house in a yr or two and then I'd say we'll all be done there. Just a phone call every now and again.