Hubby brought home friend for anniversary

nettie1

So. It was our 3rd anniversary yesterday. We had a little baby during the year which was great but posed it's own challenges too. Hubby decided the best reaction was to work 7 long days per week to provide for the family, despite us having 2 ok wages as it is. He ended up exhausted All The Time and was not in good form but we worked our way through it. Anyway yesterday was our anniversary and he had a funeral which included a trip to the chipper and the pub followed by bringing a buddy home. I'm pissed off. He's being ever so good today helping put up Christmas decorations but I couldn't care less if they never went up. I've left him to it and gone to bed. I don't know how to act. We talked about it and he offered to take me for dinner to make up for it but that's not going to help, who wants to have dinner with someone who doesn't want to be there? I just wanted a quiet glass of wine on the couch to celebrate a very important event in our lives and he ignored it completely. Where's the romance? What can I do? I'd like my husband to do things for me because he likes to see me happy not because he's afraid of my reaction so I don't want to over react but I also don't want to share future anniversaries with his buddies.

Full Marx

Sorry for being a bit harsh but you are overreacting and not being in any way logical about things. He's hardly gonna be a celebratory mood after a funeral in any case. Leave him be and don't ruin christmas by sulking... my advice would be to get over it and go have a nice dinner with your husband and give him a break.

He said sorry and wants to take you out for dinner, what else do you want him to do?

The_Chap

Blimey, my wife went out with her mates for a night out on our 3rd anniversary, I guess I should start divorce proceedings?

If you don't read back what you've written and have a rethink about being rational over what has obviously been a stressful time and support him then something is seriously wrong!

Ann84

Op, no offence but a quiet glass of wine on the couch is not a very romantic way to spend your anniversary, it sounds like a pretty normal night in so why didn't you make a nice plan!?
I imagine going to a funeral doesn't set the scene for love and you guys didn't have plans, did he even know about the quiet glass of wine "plan"?

I'd definately take him up on the dinner offer, it takes two to set the romantic mood and it sounds like you want him to do all the work! Book dinner, dress up all sexy, get a babysitter and celebrate your anniversary! It's not always possible to do it on the actual day and it sounds like he wants to try so why don't you meet him in the middle on this?!

I reread your post and honestly I think your anger here is coming more from a feeling of being abandoned, ye had a baby, he started working crazy hours which you clearly weren't happy about (as ye didn't need the money) and now you feel dismissed in the anniversary department... (Something trivial to most unless there are underlying issues!)

Honestly, I think you need to really talk to your husband because if you do have pent up resentment over his behaviour (why did he start working crazy hours if it wasn't for the money -was it because he doesn't 'want to be there') since ye had the baby, and you don't deal with it, you are going to be angry with him a lot more and it will end up potentially ruining your marriage not just an anniversary...

Pawwed Rig

Is a third anniversary an important event in a couples life?? I know mine wasn't. Don't even recall what we did. Best thing to do OP is apologise for being moody and take him up on his dinner offer. No need for causing hassle in this case.

BreadnBuddha

What should you do?

Be thankful to have him home and safe. Be thankful he's helping put up the decorations. Be thankful he's considerate enough to want to take you out to dinner. Be thankful he wasn't the one being buried at the funeral yesterday.

An anniversary is just a date in a calender. It's a reminder of an event. It's not a marriage. It's not an event in and of itself. Be thankful every day for the good you can see in each other.

Don't be hurt or pissed off. He's an eejit perhaps, bringing a mate back, but we're all eejits at times. Who knows. He only did wrong because you've decided he's done wrong. He's tried to make up for it, and I can only imagine it's because he cares, not because he's afraid of your reaction. Be thankful for small kindnesses where we eejits are concerned!

Go out for dinner. Ask, don't instruct, that the two of you could agree to doing something specific together on your anniversary in future. Accept that you will need to remind him some years and not in others. Take the good from it and don't dwell on things that make you angry, especially not with your husband. Ask, don't instruct, that he shows you the same kindness and understanding, courtesy and respect.

OP, congrats on your expanded family, adapting to that new life and your three years of marriage. Look forward to more happiness. Best of luck and wishes for many, many more years of love filled life, even if the eejit occasionally makes a balls of an anniversary here and there.

Katgurl

OP I think you're probably tired and worn out. I'm sure your husband is too. Sorry the anniversary was a disappointment but you can make it up. Go out for dinner, tell your husband you appreciate how hard he works but you think it's taking its toll with you two never getting time togeyher. Tell him you miss having him around and suggest you two come up with a better solution. Then leave the heavy convos and have a fun evening. It's probably been forever.

LegacyUser

What can you do? I think you can say sorry for being so moody, and take him up on his offer of dinner. He has very obviously offered the olive branch, in a few ways, and you're just throwing it back in his face.

Look, maybe there's more to this than you've said: maybe there's something going on about him working all hours, maybe you resent him for that and have jumped down his throat unnecessarily re the funeral. Or maybe he panicked about being a new Dad and went into over-'providing' mode and that's why he did lots of hours in work.

Based on what you've posted though, you should apologise and take the olive branch. Really though, it doesn't sound like you made any effort for your anniversary either, maybe he just didn't see it as a big deal. It's not his job to provide you with the romance! That's a joint thing!

iusedtoknow

so after a funeral you expected to him to be in the mood for a romantic night? Even if it's not someone I know or am particularly close to (i.e. if it's a parent of a co-worker or something) , i'm usually in the mood for a quite night after a funeral.

As for the anniversary itself - I'm married 6 years and can think of only one where we actually celebrated on the night itself - the other times were either missed completely due to work/travel or moved to the nearest possible time (sometimes weeks later) that we could actually relax and enjoy it. While it is a milestone, i'm actually happier with the years afterwards being enjoyed and celebrated rather than the day we signed a piece of paper in front of city official and had a party with our friends.

sserdda

I was 25 years married last month. I bought wife a card and a hand made necklace ~(silver obviously) had both names cut into it along with the date of marrage and date of anniversary, booked a restaurant,
I did not even get a card. I cancelled the restaurant.

Wnt happen again - that includes christmas, Maybe a bottle of black opium for a tenner in Moore Street.

sserdda

<Mod Snip: sserdda - as you are new here we are just removing this post. Have a read of our charter. Basically if you don't have constructive advice then don't post. Inane comments like the one here would normally result in moderator action up to and not excluding a forum ban...

Taltos>

topmanamillion

"Hubby brought home FRIEND for anniversary"

Surely, I'm not the only one who thought this thread was going to go an entirely different way?

nettie1

topmanamillion wrote: »

"Hubby brought home FRIEND for anniversary"

Surely, I'm not the only one who thought this thread was going to go an entirely different way?

Thanks for that all. It was the kick up the proverbial that I needed!! Perspective reestablished, thanks!!

dudara

Please post constructively and on topic. Off-topic posts will be removed and may result in moderator action.

dudara

StanleyOllie

OP sometimes as a new mother... this becomes your whole world. As it should but its a huge and while amazing, it can be a difficult time for everyone.
Your other half may also feel rejected and has chosen to work to support the family instead of looking for attention.
He may be thinking that sitting in having wine is a very boring way of celebrating but may not be saying it. Have you stopped socialising? It happens through exhaustion.
Take an hour or 2 and go out with him. Even for an early bird. It sounds like you need to talk. Your expectations have changed and so have his. This needs discussion. You both need to reassess your roles and by chatting you ll sort it out.
Dont let resentment grow over this. None of us are perfect. Im sure when he wanted to have what a man generally sees a romantic evening (sex) you have been too tired. Its just different for you both. Sounds like he still loves you. So take up the offer and use the time!

Youngblood.III

My wife forgot our 1st, we just laugh about it.

Merkin

Sserdda banned for having multiple accounts, for ignoring Mod warning, for dragging a thread off topic, ignoring the charter and being incredibly rude. Cheerio.

meeeeh

nettie1 wrote: »

Thanks for that all. It was the kick up the proverbial that I needed!! Perspective reestablished, thanks!!

I don't think many of us will empathize with your feelings regarding anniversary but I think many of us would understand if you feel a bit abandoned considering the long hours your partner is working. Don't be fixated on dates that much and try to organize things in advance. I live with someone who works long hours and what works the best is setting the dates and hours and making sure to get some time away from kids every so often. I know surprises and cosy nights can be romantic but that can work only when you are not under pressure and sulking at each other because someone was late. Not just work, kids also kill a lot of spontaneity. Take your time, get a child minder or drop the child on in laws and don't collect till noon next day (my favourite solution) and enjoy an evening off. At least there is no child monitor that goes of every 20 minutes.

fatherted1969

Slight overreaction op, our 20th anniversary is next year and my wife has booked a few days away with her sisters. She tried to get another date but I told her to go ahead. It's no big deal, we'll celebrate it a week or so later. We'll all mess up from time to time.

arayess

i'm going against everybody else's advise here.
your husband behaved like a prized dickhead.

he went to a funeral - there is no obligation to hit the boozer afterwards.
He knew it was your anniversary but chose stay out and bring his mate home.

I dont think you are over reacting.

getaroom

OP, tell him that while you appreciate that he had to go to a funeral during the day, you thought that at least "we" could have had some "we" time to mark the day that was in it. If he knows you.... he will see that what he did upset you and will have to make up brownie points.

If you dont nip his atitude in the bud he will "forget" every other anniversary.

Figbiscuithead

arayess wrote: »

i'm going against everybody else's advise here.
your husband behaved like a prized dickhead.

he went to a funeral - there is no obligation to hit the boozer afterwards.
He knew it was your anniversary but chose stay out and bring his mate home.

I dont think you are over reacting.

What's the point in staying peed off with each other, though? He acted like an eejit though perhaps he went to the pub to console a friend - who knows. He apologised and tried to make amends, so what more can he do? He's obviously sorry. There's no point in dwelling over this an dragging out the negative feelings between them both. Kiss and make up and move on and head out at the weekend for a nice meal, which is infinitely more romantic than a glass of wine on the couch anyway. No doubt things will be different come next year. This sounds like a deeper issue related to feeling abandoned and the only way that can be resolved is by sitting down and discussing it calmly and reasonably.

Pawwed Rig

I don't think I have ever been to a funeral in this country that did not have a meal and a get together in pub afterwards. Hard to blame the man for a whole tradition.

eviltwin

When you are stuck at home with a young child anything that breaks the monotony is a huge deal. And its your anniversary so extra important. I can understand why you are upset but I wouldn't be mad at him though, coming back from a funeral you're probably not going to be in the mood for celebrating. Its terrible timing but what could he do? Bringing a friend back, well did you ask him why? Was he upset? Was the friend upset? Maybe he was thinking of that more than the anniversary which doesn't make him a bad husband. I think you should draw a line under it and not hold it against him. Don't be petty and not go out, its really important that you have enough couple time regardless of your anniversary.

racso1975

arayess wrote: »

i'm going against everybody else's advise here.
your husband behaved like a prized dickhead.

he went to a funeral - there is no obligation to hit the boozer afterwards.
He knew it was your anniversary but chose stay out and bring his mate home.

I dont think you are over reacting.

So in this situation what's the solution? Surely sulking solves nothing? What pro active steps can she take or is it down to husband to prove his undying love?

LegacyUser

Op I don't know if this is right but it seems from your post you are annoyed with your husband husband as he took to working even harder and longer hours than he needed to when the baby arrived and now he forgot your wedding anniversary.
Before you had the baby did you celebrate the anniversary? Some people are just not bothered about birthdays anniversaries etc and need to be reminded if you want to celebrate them. Maybe he was a bit overwhelmed with the new arrival and took to working long hours to avoid dealing with the reality of being a dad and looking after the baby..who knows ...the only way to find out is ask him and tell him that you need him to be there.
I think you need to have a good chat with your husband and tell him how you feel etc because he is not a mind reader and if you don't tell him whats up he is just going to be wondering why you are annoyed with him.

LegacyUser

arayess wrote: »

i'm going against everybody else's advise here.
your husband behaved like a prized dickhead.

he went to a funeral - there is no obligation to hit the boozer afterwards.
He knew it was your anniversary but chose stay out and bring his mate home.

I dont think you are over reacting.

I understand why someone might be temporarily upset, but there could be a few extenuating circumstances:
- the OP doesn't say if the funeral was a person he was close to, or a person that the friend was v close to. Either one would be v much a 'free pass' in my book
- did the hubby know about the plan for a glass of wine on the couch? And know that he was expected to keep to that plan, i.e.did he know he was breaking a plan when he brought a friend back?
- did the OP do anything romantic for her hubby? V not fair to expect him to do all the work on 'romance' in my book
- how are conflicts normally resolved? The silent treatment and taking to the bed are awful ways of dealing with conflict. Have you calmly articulated why you are annoyed/hurt OP? I can't agree that you are justified in either; but isolating yourself from your hubby is a dreadful solution. It's v passive aggressive. Like trying to make him 'realise' what he's 'done wrong'. Until he bows down and fits with your views of what your anniversary should be. What about his views? Maybe he just doesn't see it as anything very meaningful. Maybe he thinks just being married is way more important.
- what is the pattern of your relationship? Have birthdays/anniversaries always had a big hoopla? Did he treat this anniversary v differently from others, or is he just not into that stuff?

In short, I think you are very unfair in your reaction, and it's going to hurt your relationship, unless there's something you haven't said in your post

arayess

racso1975 wrote: »

So in this situation what's the solution? Surely sulking solves nothing? What pro active steps can she take or is it down to husband to prove his undying love?

i don't know if the answer.

Sure sulking isn't the solution but he hurt her badly and that can take time to get over . Not everybody bounces back within 15mins of being let down badly.
If i'm let down by somebody I don't want to be around that person...imagine the indignity of "i'll bring you to dinner tonight" - he is bringing her out to keep her happy. He could fly in gordon ramsey himself to cook for them but it doesn't get over the fact on their anniversary he made her feel 2nd best - actually 3rd cos the chipper got a look in before her.

That's the crux, it's a trust issue , where do I stand with this guy.
No amount of fancy present can solve that only time , imo of course.

ManOfMystery

arayess wrote: »

i don't know if the answer.

Sure sulking isn't the solution but he hurt her badly and that can take time to get over . Not everybody bounces back within 15mins of being let down badly.
If i'm let down by somebody I don't want to be around that person...imagine the indignity of "i'll bring you to dinner tonight" - he is bringing her out to keep her happy. He could fly in gordon ramsey himself to cook for them but it doesn't get over the fact on their anniversary he made her feel 2nd best - actually 3rd cos the chipper got a look in before her.

That's the crux, it's a trust issue , where do I stand with this guy.
No amount of fancy present can solve that only time , imo of course.

It's a trust issue now? I think you're overreaching here.

Many men have forgotten anniversaries. For no good reason other than it simply didn't register in their heads what date it was. Wife has a bit of annoyance about it, they feel like a prize turd and apologise, flowers etc, life goes on. Let's not forget, and it's been said already - an anniversary is a reminder of an important day, not the important day itself.

In this case, he didn't simply forget. There are extenuating circumstance where the husband was at a funeral burying someone he may have been close to, and mourning their loss. I assume he hasn't forgotten the 1st or 2nd anniversaries as the OP would surely have included that pertinent information, and this 3rd anniversary slip-up is a one-off from him.

I can't see how that becomes a trust issue. He's apologised and that should be enough IMO, no need to beat him up over it. Move on and hopefully the 4th anniversary will include dinner, flowers, maybe even a weekend away and as much wine on the sofa as OP wants.

CaraMay

She wasn't let down 'badly'. There seem to be deeper issues at play here alright and there is no point sulking over Xmas over this. If this is the worst he ever does, then you will be doing well.

gargargar

I would be sympathetic to the OP as I think the issue might be to do with being left to look after the baby, and still work.

I know some lads that when the baby comes along they end up having to do lots of overtime. Often not getting home until after the child is in bed It is really unfair if both parties are working.

osarusan

I wonder if there is something of 'this was the last straw' in this, rather than the night itself being the whole of the problem?

iusedtoknow

A few things to consider wrote: »

I understand why someone might be temporarily upset, but there could be a few extenuating circumstances:

- did the hubby know about the plan for a glass of wine on the couch? And know that he was expected to keep to that plan, i.e.did he know he was breaking a plan when he brought a friend back?

I think that this is the main point TBH. Monday evening is not a high time for romance in many peoples book (unless Monday/Tuesday is your day off). Most Monday's I'm coming in the door hassled from a crappy commute and wanting to catch up on a few things or just sit and read. Throw a funeral into the mix and it definitely isn't the night for romance.

I don't think expectations were particularly set and were unreasonably high

silverbolt

arayess wrote: »

i don't know if the answer.

Sure sulking isn't the solution but he hurt her badly and that can take time to get over . Not everybody bounces back within 15mins of being let down badly.
If i'm let down by somebody I don't want to be around that person...imagine the indignity of "i'll bring you to dinner tonight" - he is bringing her out to keep her happy. He could fly in gordon ramsey himself to cook for them but it doesn't get over the fact on their anniversary he made her feel 2nd best - actually 3rd cos the chipper got a look in before her.

That's the crux, it's a trust issue , where do I stand with this guy.
No amount of fancy present can solve that only time , imo of course.

Oh wow. Im so glad im not dating you.

He goes to the pub after a funeral, he comes home apologises for bringing a friend home (and we dont know just how upset the friend was) tries to make it up her and hes still in the wrong.

OP - I do think there is a deeper issue here and i think its the stress of the baby and hes away all the time at work.

Taltos

Mod note
As the OP seems to have seen the light a few pages back I'm going to close this now before it goes further down the rabbit hole and we end up having to action posters for failing to give constructive advice in a civil manner...